It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I did the same…..
THEN, when it became clear he wouldn’t reimburse me….OR if the house sold and we split 50/50 I wouldn’t get an inequitable distribution of funds…..I STOPPED payingthe mgt.
I knew it would take some time to foreclose…..so kept an eye on it…..
now it forced the mtg co into modification given my circumstances…..
FIRST thing you must do is decide if your going to stay or go…..
if your going to give the house away….stop paying….you will have plenty of time to find a relocation area.
The bank is reluctant tohelp if your current on payments.
If you don’t have a ‘trade’ (ie stock account, cash) either of you…..your not going to be able to be bought out of home….and if your upside down….stop paying.
Ya gotta work out a concrete strategy….THEN move on it.
Dancing-
I would talk to my banker and its all around what you need to to do with the loans you have.
What I will do is say that in the 11th hour of my divorce, I found out my soon to be ex was sucking the equity out of the property and for all intents, it was upside down so I had to spin and change directions.
The more you know the sooner, the more you have to work with.
If I had it to do over, I would have collected the info sooner and then met with my fiancial planner. The problem is that it is really, really hard to be up to speed on all this stuff. Input helps.
Ultimately they are all going to turn to you and ask what you want. Find out what is in your tool kit before you make that decision.
What Erin is talking about is one of those tools.
Taking a lesson from her, get a big bat and then SWING HARD!
I raise a glass every St. Patrick’s Day, to the Irish of my family:
To my mother’s father, a brilliant depressive violent alcoholic, small, wiry and dark haired, who beat his son and wife. Who was, in the end, shot and killed by his 15 year old son, as he tried to snap my grandmother’s neck, in the crook of his arm. My mother continue to pine for him for ”“ years of delusion and dementia binding her to a belief in his goodness.
To my grandfather, my grandmother’s second husband, a big lumbering man, given to incessantly jingling the change in his pocket, and extreme generosity. He swayed like a willow and engaged with children with respect, sprinkler parties and ice cream. After a long happy life with my grandmother, his heart broke one day after a nice lunch out, and he toppled to the floor, dead as a door nail.
And to the spath, who pretended to be Irish, of my heart and as fey as the length of the afternoon sun. I will raise a of shot of whiskey to you, let it burn down my gullet with a prayer, that you too will die as you live…
I’ll drink to that-
silvermoon – and so I did. 🙂
Tryingtoheal:
I just saw your post to me, THANK YOU FOR the kudos…..and for bringing your dad along! 🙂
I HAD to do it! I’m glad I did it…..and I left the whole deal WITH NO REGRETS…..only grins and great satisfaction.
In a community property state…..I was able to show a gross misappropriation of funds, illegal activities and abuse suffered to walk out of court with a SEVERE inequitable distribution of assets…..which in the end totaled 100%~! Along with FULL LEGAL custody of the kids. An extended order of protection AND a stalking and harassment extended order in place for kids and me.
THIS WAS/IS VERY SATISFYING!!!!!
AND I know he’s TORN up and will live with this FOREVER! (not losing the kids….but the assets)
It’ll be GUT ROT HEAVEN IN HIS BOWELS!!!!!
It’s NOT easy……but the lessons were/are great!
I’m still in clean up mode…..but at least I didn’t have to ‘buy’ a new mop …..I USED HIM AS MY MOP!
I feel it’s the least I could do to him…..for 28 years of lies and manipulations, STD’s, abuse, drug deals and predatory games….putting me and the kids at great risk and in harms way.
Now I KNOW what I’m capable of and I can take this empowerment and confidence down the road of life with me…..
It is my wish to let others know…..that an S CAN be beat up and exposed in court……I think it’s a very effective way to SHUT EM DOWN and RUN EM OFF!
My ultimate goal is to feel confident that HE WILL NEVER, EVER come around me or kids EVER again……He’s done his damage……
It also means ALOT to me that your dad would of been proud….because MY parents sure didn’t give a damn about what we went through!!! Thanks for mentioning your pops!!!!! I have a visual of his hat tipping…..and I LOVE IT!!!
Oh, and guess what….you can see it….my county records all proceedings on DVD!!! I ordered the videos! 🙂
Thanks again….I hope I can help others through my journey!!!
XXOO
EB
Silver and ErinB,
I’m clueless how to go to status report to court on Tue. Do I go with my lawyer? Husband hasn’t answered the lawyer’s proposal yet. He’s stalling and begging me to tak e him back.
I made an appt. to talk to my mtg. bank. Mtg is lesser than equity, I’ll find out if I can afford to borrow more against house to buy his share of equity.
What exactly should I ask the bank so I am informed about what things would cost, or how much principal I’ve paid down in past 2 yrs?
He emailed today, “DW, um…How are you? I care.”
I haven’t had the courage yet to email him NOT to call or email anymore, just to talk to my lawyer. I got rattled with his pleas last Wed, been paralyzed with depression all weekend, and couldn’t sleep Mon worrying about telling him to stop emailing me.
I am just not straight in my head and in my feelings. I realize I have to grab the bull by the horns, and PLOW through, but with his pleas I think he touched the guilt button, or something.
Any feedback and suggestions much appreciated! Thank you guys for your support.
DANCINGWARRIOR:
GIRL……just look at that name you chose!!!!!!
Detach the guilt button and collect yourself!!!!! You must remove any ’emotions’ from / about HIM…..
Think of it as….YOU are at war. Are ya gonna give your enemy ANY info on anything.??? NO……Are ya gonna chat strategy over with the enemy to see if they are in agreeance and okay with your plan of attack?? NO….
He can’t use you as a therapist and you cant use him…..thats the rules of divorce….Your NO LONGER a support system…..
The enemy sends in the pretty women to seduce the troops…they have sex and a fun night of drinking …..only to have the whole unit murdered by morning….because they had a weak moment.
He’s sending the naked ladies your way darlen…….
If it was going to work….then it woulda worked in the last 2 years…..(or longer). RIGHT?
You need to ‘sift’ through your memories and pick ONE statement….you KNOW FOR A FACT IS A LIE…..AND HOLD ONTO THAT….as a reminder….so you can move forward.
Yes, anything to do with your divorce you will appear with your attorney….S has a certain period to respond…..and if he doesn’t show up…..well….ALL THE BETTER FOR YOU to hurry on down the road to divorce!
This is the point of service….legal service.
The house may be a mute point……if he doesn’t follow the legal divorce process…whether he ‘wants it or not’.
As far as the bank goes….if your upside down….the bank won’t loan you any money against it….there is no equity to loan on……
You need to sit down and look at hard figures/numbers and really decide if the home is worth keeping, if you think you can take a gamble and continue to pay a mtg for the next 8-10 years to recapture anything from property?
It might be worth your while to get out, GIVE him the house as a token of your good faith (he feels he wins)….AND there is NO eQUITY FOR EITHER OF YOU to necesitate buying either out…..
You only ‘buy out’ of equity…..Equity is…Current home value minus loan(s) amount= equity and if you really want to dig you deduct what you’ve put in in upgrades and down payment.
It’s gonna take a while for the market to turn around and it might be worth your while to walk ‘give it to him’…..but ONLY YOU can decide that…..for YOU….not for HIM….but YOU.
Dancing,
You don’t have to tell him anything. Just erase the text. Quit talking to him.
I have love letters that would make your heart bleed they are so utterly tender and they were written from a place where people don’t get to come and go as they please…
All it takes to remind me is to go look at those same words methodically applied to 100 other women.
So lets translate Um, I care… It means Sex feels good. I want something from you.
Not hard to delete that rubbish is it?
The SPATH is haunting you like a ghost.
Its hard, really hard. We all go through it. Being haunted, bargaining for a way to believe in the fantasy we don’t want to let go of because it met our needs in a fundamental way even the the SPATH feeds like a vampire.
So, here’s a clove of garlic: Go to the event with your attorney and let them do the talking. Tell them you can’t handle it. Funny thing about attornies in divorce cases, they really prefer you to stand back and be quiet.
And just don’t talk to him. Actions speak louder. NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT.
You don’t have to explain it to him. The lawyer has sent him a letter saying that he represents you. His phone number is on the stationary. Grownups know what that means.
Its just a ghost. And most of us are kinda scared of ghosts anyway. Sleep with the lights on if you need to. Write to us over and over if you want to. Write a journal. Write letters and then tear them up.
‘jes don’t go back to the briar patch. They us nuthin’ in it you want to pull out!
We will be right here.
Warrior: (I’m changing my abbreviation…..cuz your a warrior!)
Silver is right….ACTIONS SPEAK VOLUMES!!!
YOURS TOO! It goes both ways…..
You don’t need to ‘announce’ or send out a formal declaration recorded with the county…..of your intent to go NC….
JUST GO NC…..and aleviate your anxiety….
He’ll ‘get it’…..cuz your actions will yell it from the mountaintops.
🙂