It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
No, No. Henry, in spiritual terms, you did not unknowingly become his victim. You both synchronised, fused, sizzled, because there was more to be learnt through your union. If there is anything more to be learnt, we have to keep digging, keep asking what the lessons are – then we know there was gold in the pain.
Yes, Henry, I understand what you say, but if you look at your relationship in that way, it is a one dimensional cardboard cutout (can I be bold please?). You were just as powerful and I want you to realise and reclaim the power that you went into that scenario with. You can do it.
You can only reclaim your power – when you accept and embrace responsibility. Nothing less.
yes i accept responsibility and i have regrets i should not of done what i did – i think i have learned from this – i know i have learned – i dont want to break my own heart or someone else’s – the question is did Mike learn anything from this???
We only felt powerless, because we were coming from a place of hurt, which made us feel weak. That place, being, perhaps our upbringing, the protectors that we thought we looking out for our best, had their own problems. We have to be looking outward beyond, at (as Wini puts it the whole picture) to realise that our weakness was tapped into. Love and Peace.
Henry, dont have regrets. Embrace the whole lot of it. You really loved him – I know and i can feel it and that is real, you cannot deny that, that is the loving and real part of you. You, like me, have been held back by weakness from the dysfunctional family. Repair that and all will be well my friend.
I never love people by mistake. I really loved Steve, probably as much as you loved Mike – and that is a good thing. There was no mistake about that – you are a loving person, just that Mike is on a difficult path to feel it.
Thing is, Henry, as you grow through the experience, you will always have a tender place in your heart for Mike (I feel it), but your perception will be so much broader and will encompass your own wellbeing and the people you draw to you. Love to you Henry.
Henry, you are a loving person and you did your best.
Henry, realising that we have to let go of Mike and his learning. Your life path is yours – and his is his – you cannot be responsible for his development. I think what you are asking me, is whether he really loved you. I have asked myself that many times, and I can only feel the answer rather than think it. I think he did love you, but your time and his time were in different places and I think you will both evolve in different spaces, but there will always be a thread of love between you. If you want my honest opinion.