It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
kim frederick
Hi, EB. Been missing your input these last few nights. What happend to the queen of SNLF?
Damn. Feel like I can’t identify.
I’m thinking about writing a memior, “Life Without Bisquits: learning to love yourself”
Twice Betrayed
This is so good! It is exactly what/why they do these things.
ErinBrock
Hi Kimmie….I’ve been around But…..had a ‘family’ issue to deal with….
My son decided to try some Vodka on Sat pm…..like 6 shots…..EEEsssh!
So….yesterday he called me to come get him….and told me he was sick because he ate some steak…(Red Meat allergies)….once he walked in the house (IN HIS BOXERS)….I said….Okay…ya wanna tell me the real reason your sick????
He looked at me and said…can we talk later…..I said….give me the short version….and out it came….and then right into the bathroom hugging the toilet…..He puked until 3am this morning…..
He was crying all day and night….saying…I’m a failure….I let YOU down….blah,blah,…..I said….NO, you let YOURSELF down…I ain’t hugging the toilet….
He must have really dug in….to be sick soooo long….
He was really scared, and so down on himself.
I told him….ya know….this is to be somewhat expected…..but I can’t believe your so down on yourself for THIS….when you very well might NOT graduate….NOW….that’s something that will have long term effects on you…..THAT”S A POOR CHOICE….
He had the hangover apiphany….Now….let’s see if it sticks….
he came right home from school today and had been doing homework ever since…
We even talked about this kid he was going to see….I told him I am not feeling very confident in this kids choices, according to his mother…..he said yes, but you KNOW I am NOT inot that and I make better social choices….(true…)
I said….yes…but you are ‘sober’ and ‘drug free’ unitl YOUR NOT! It’s changes overnight….in a minute….
Well he found out a natural consequence allright!
Did a doozy……
one/joy_step_at_a_time
wow, eb! a llittle puke turns into a whole lot of wisdom. sending my big wishes that it sticks.
came in his boxers, eh. snicker…
kim frederick
EB, I think you handled that so well, And I think your son is well on his way to being a real productive member of sosiety…He suffered his consequences, You let him. That simple. You didn’t stop loving or believing in him, but you weren’t gonna pick- up the mess for him either! Very good.They’re planning a party on another thread….if we want any say we better get over there.
ErinBrock
a little puke……dang girl I’ve never seen him HURL so hard!!!
I couldn’t help but laugh…..
I must have heard I’m sorry, Ilove you and your the best mom and hugs a million times……
At one point I asked him if he wanted a bloody Mary (ha!)…..sent him right back to the toilet….and in tears…
on Friday night I turned into Nazi Mom….had em all cleaning, deep cleaning…..dog hair and crap on the baseboards and dorrs etc…..he cleaned his bathroom (own bathroom) like a maid would……I said to him as he became one with the toilet…..dang….I bet your glad your bathroom is lclean!!!!
🙂
one/joy_step_at_a_time
EB – EVERY opportunity for a teaching moment has been SEIZED!! 🙂
ErinBrock
TOTALLY!!!
DancingWarrior
Went to court.
Your encouragement means a lot to me–Silver, ErinB, Kim, Flower, Star, One Step, thank you.
H came late, wore the tie I gave him for Xmas. My lawyer offered to talk to him in an office about proposal. He whined how he is emotionally incapable of advocating for himself, he hoped for a change of heart, he is 56 with failing health, not able to work as he is much longer, hoped to retire at 60, exaggerated his heart arythmia/sleep apnea condition, made sure to mention that he could lose his job TOMORROW.
In response to my request for alimony he said he’d give $0.
About the house he said “when DW was in country for a year, we didn’t have a pot to piss in, my dad bought us the house, then we mortgaged it with curtain rods and bullshit like that” Interesting.
I was married to him seven years, and had a 1-yr-old baby, his dad wouldn’t loan him $ for a downpayment before bec. they have a terrible relationship and his dad kicked him out of the house at 21, and felt he was untrustworthy for a house loan/purchase. I doubt he’d ever have given him any $ had he not seen a positive stable influence I had on him, and that we had a family together.
I let the lawyer negotiate with him, then interrupted him and asked, if he will hire atty. who’ll advise him, and if he is emotionally incapable of advocating for himself now, then he’ll change his mind tomorrow, are we wasting time here? He’ll hire this baracuda vicious aggressive EXPENSIVE atty, whose name he gave my lawyer. Whatever.
At the end of this I TOLD him, don’t call me anymore to tell me this is hard for you, I can’t help you, and it’s hard for me too.
He then wanted to talk to me now since he can’t otherwise. He wanted to try couples therapy one more time. said, “I am SO SORRY…” I interrupted him, and said, it’s ok, it’s too late for that.
You know, guys, as much as I doubted myself, did not want to face the end, it was like something was talking out of me despite me–like I stayed calm and observed, but the voice came out and spoke for me. “It’s too late.”
The other unsure side of me would be thinking,” he gets it now, give him a chance, don’t be so mean, you’ll be sorry later that you didn’t give him a chance, you’ll pay the price.”
I saw him in car as I exited court with atty. and I walked away with atty. across the street to his office.
I hate this. But I’ll fight for myself.
ErinBrock
WARRIIIOOOR!
GREAT….good job….TOWANDA!!!!!
I so understand the “,” he gets it now, give him a chance, don’t be so mean, you’ll be sorry later that you didn’t give him a chance, you’ll pay the price.” Oh how I do…..I didit forever!!!!
Ya know the difference….it’s in your gut, your heart and your being….YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT, what is necessary for you and child to be able to have a life you seserve!!!
When you sit back, calm and in control…..it slides out….things go in the right direction, YOU dothe right things, say the right words etc….YOU ARE INCONTROL.
NOW….who cares who/what he hires……
His words thus far….the health comments, the may lose job tomorrow….he ain’t saying anything any other S man who walked before hasn’t said before him…. (YAWN)
I want you to remain strong…vigilant and keep your head up….the court process is very emotional rollercoastery…..keep busy the next few days…..and keep telling yourself to remain balanced…..DON”T let anything he tells you intinidate you….when you get attorney docs from his new attorney….don’t let it intimidte you…..
Your gonna see a change in him soon…..expect it….plan for it….and be ready for it….EMOTIONALLY! He’s gonna get aggressive….how he spoke today is the sign….poor him….he mortgaged the house for curtain rods…and he’s in such ill health!!! It’s the design….
All you can hope for is a HEART ATTACK before the idvorce is final! 🙂 Stranger things have happened!
BUT….I’m proud of your courage…..and I see so much growth in your journey!!!
TOWANDA…your the WARRIOR!!!!