It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dancing Warrior 🙂 🙂 😉
such big steps! i am so fortified that you stood so strong. that nasty doubt in your head will dissipate over time. it may really rear up again (especially when he ups the game – as EB says, expect it and plan for it), but keep ignoring it, you are so on the right track.
i am so proud of you. so relieved that it went well.
Dancing Warrior,
Those three little words (its to late) enpowered you. Because you stood up for yourself and didn’t allow yourself to weaken.
Someone very wise told me once that it is very important to stay focused, calm and unemotional when going through a divorce (in the courtroom)….Because after all the hours spent in the process and money spent on attorney fees, you really only get a few minutes “time” when the judge actually makes the decision.
And in the end it is that decision that counts.
Towanda 🙂
ErinB, OneStep, Witsend–thanks for being there, witnesses to my facing the ugly dragon.
I want to tell you this–I hope you don’t think I’m crazy. I tried to take in many clues without really looking at him–such as how he pulled his chair to the angle away from the table as if to say he has no part in this discussion.
I did not make eye contact with him (until the end of interaction). It’s like he has some kind of mind control if he can tap into my emotional state, he knows how far he can prod, where exactly my Achilles’ heel is today, and how he can attach like a leech to suck on my blood. So I just looked straight ahead of me.
I looked at nonverbal cues–the tie really got to me. I got him this tie and daughter and I gave him a couple of symbolic presents. He then took the tie around his neck, and pulled it in a mock strangle motion as a joke. His humor is very blunt–and he hates me for calling the shots during separtion, hates me for not being the little woman, and the strangle gesture was to tell me–“you have castrated me, you bitch” There was contempt for the present then, I think. And now, to wear it! So totally manipulative. To soften me because he wears MY tie.
Meanwhile–and this is most important–he did not skip a beat to hear how much I have in savings, and did not skip a beat in checking out how much I now have in IRAs compared to what he knew I had, or how I have no basis to ask for alimony, or to question lawyer’s comment based on the circumstances of the breakdown of your marriage, “What are they in your opinion?”.
I am afraid I showed my cards too soon by saying how much I have in savings available as cash, because that tells him how much I can spend on the lawyer, and how far he could go to push me.
Witsend–about those three words. I thought, should I have LET him finish, and just listen to his “sorry” and then say thanks and move on? I just stopped him–couldn’t stand hearing empty words at this point. For what reason?
I am just wondering how to use his emotional instability against him in court where he can flip out. Because in a no fault state, all the crap he did, emotional verbal abuse, rejection, aggression–when other women come in with a black eye and broken arm, I don’t think the judge would be so moved by my story. I’d like to hear how others told the disproportionate contribution to the breakdown of marriage, so he is really more at fault for refusing treatment.
ErinB, OneStep, WItsend–thank you so much. Your words are like a beacon of light helping me find my way.
Warrior:
List out your assets….separate property and all….
List out your community property…values and all….
First step….lookat it on paper, and you can go from there.
In community propery/no fault states….the emotional ‘why’s don’t matter….affairs, aleination, yada….
UNLESS….there is a substantilly documented abuse or substantial misapporopriation of funds wasted situation.
IF you have this all documented…police reports, bank accounts and other proof….use it!
I’m not so sure i’d keep ALL my money in a bank account…..i guarentee he isn’t.
Now that’s not to say you go drain the account….but start using cash instead of cc’s…mix it up…to account for the cash leaving the account.
If you recieve any checks ….cash them at the bank of issue….
There is gonna be a time where you’ll need some cash….
Are you at the financial declaration point yet?
has your attorney asked for this yet?
You need to keep an expense report for what you spend on your child….hircuts, food,medical,clothing, education, insurances, tuitions, recreation, dining out etc….itemized monthly. You;; do this one….but DON”T stop after the one time….do it monthly until divorce is final….I assure you there will be delays….
IF you think you can settle with him…..great option….I knew mine woulnd’t settle unless he came out with 10000 percent of me and everything…..You know your guy….and they usually don’tfollow the rules….
Decide what your entitled to and what your needs are….based on your situation and be fair to the situation…..don’t take anything less….
That said….divorce is the negotiation of ending a business….THAT”S IT….stick to the points.
If he has way more than you….stock accounts etc….then shoot.
IF you have more….watch out….this is where you must negotiate.
It’s not an easy process…but you must take all emotions out of it….you wouldn’t cry with your biggest client at a board meeting….right?
Don’t concentrate on the tie thing….Yes…it was a message….so what. It give you an inight….but don’t get caught up there….
Don’t feel odd about maintining eye contact with him when you have your attorney speaking….you want to appear as confident as humanly possible….
And how you noticed his chair positioning…..if you position YOURS facing him…with your body….facing his direction…not necerily straight head on….but not away like his was….you wnt him to know yOUR ENGAGED and in control.
Think of it like dealing with a child and wanting to get a point across….you look directly at them, with a IM TALKING look….and you posture your body language as being in control….yoiu don’t give them an out to argue or disobey you……..so they listen….and they know you mean business.
If you turn your back to someone or avoid looking at them….they can take over quick….
I think it’s great you cut him off….what he had to say didn’t matter anymore….it wasn’t business realated….you probably shocked him with that….GOOD!
You don’t want to be predictable, you want to apear to be opposite of what they think you are emotionally….NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT!!!
Sweat later…..
By you taking control….it’ll freak him out….then brace for the games from him….this will drive him over the edge and his behaviors will not be controllable by him…..but by you.
It’s a game….BUT YOU need to make the rules….study him like you have….and hit the weakpoints….
I knew mine would go nuts if I dressed like a homely woman in court….He expected me to pull out all my jewelry and dress to kill….look hot and business like….HE EXPECTED THAT….
I showed up in a nice, but frumpy lime green sweater with an over sweater, hair in a clip, no jewelry and a skirt with pantyhose….(I haven’t worn a skirt in YEARS) very conservative but nice. NOT HOT….and NOT sending him a message I was hot and fine without him…
HE WAS THROWN when I arrived….it set him off balance before we ever even went into court…..
He shows up ….unemployed (suppodedly)NOT…in a nice business suit…nice tie….hair slicked back and even carrying a MAN PURSE!!!!….THIS appearance was to tell me….see I still look good…..but what did it tell the judge….Unemployed…I think NOT…CON…and watch this guy…YES!
I didn’t care what the hell he looked like….I didn’t want him anymore…
I wanted him off balance…I wanted to control him and his emotions the way he had me, for 28years…..and I did it subtly.
Once you get em off balance…(think of all the times you were off balacne due to what he’d done and how you reacted chaotically)they can’t think straight….they can’t keep track of their lies or story….they contradict and it’s your job to point this out to attorney or judge and KEEP TRACK! Okay sir…what’s the real story….
Take it slow and plan plan plan….
After the talk w/atty. today, and H’s questions about my $$ and how to equalize our accounts, I went over the figures at home, added up all I have and compared to all he has, and it don’t add up right.
He is 13 yrs older, has been working much longer than I have, earns more than I do, plus gets bonuses. When I add up both our net worths, the difference between how much he has and what I have is negligibly small, and that seems wrong to me.
Even with the salary discrepancy, during the separation I managed to save a decent amount of change, but he, nothing except the retirement IRA.
I don’t know how a lawyer can discover whether and where he may be hiding money. I pointed out to my lawyer what seems like an odd discrepancy and can he verify it. But if the guy doesn’t know what bank he has accounts in, how can he even subpoena records???
I feel so dumb not to have a clue roughly how much he might have.
I don’t know HOW to “play” this with him–he’s way smarter than me about money. ANd he’s hiring a friggin’ baracuda foaming at the mouth rabid lawyer.
Hello all,
He was parked in my driveway for 15 minutes when he brought back daughter, with her in car. I didn’t mention it to her, but was very uncomfortable with him sitting there for so long.
What would you do about this? He has acted childishly in past, provoking, whetehr it’s conscious or unconscious, like an obnoxious kid trying to get attention, annoying the parent. I’d hate to GIVE him the bad attention, but at the same time, I DOn’T want him hanging out on my driveway. And I don’t want to go out there and talk to him.
What a pain!
DON”T respond….he’s trying to ‘catch’ your attention. Just try to ‘carry on’….
Pick your battles……as much as this bugs you…..ifhe knows it bugs you….he’ll notch it up….
Take away from him to come to your house
have transitions take place at a neutral location
block the driveway and make him park on the street
The answer is not only no, but HELL no!~
5 more days…5 more days…he has only until Monday at 10:00 am to respond and then we can set the date….and two of those are the weekend…
My case is almost ready to go…I am also in a community property/no fault state but have police reports, hospital records (his commitment to the mental health facility), wasteful spending proof – he wrote checks directly to the bank for “cash” and the prescription receipts proving he picked them up early instead of waiting for the insurance to kick in – and two in one month, equaling 240 Xanax on top of all the rest…how the heck did he do that???
And the pictures…plenty of pictures depicting the destruction of the property and belongings…and the fact he let my car get repossessed and the home going into foreclosure as he explicitly told me that they could NOT speak to me…looks like I will get everything else and be able to put the majority of the marital debt on him…
MAJOR YARD SALE!!
I can be divorced as early as April 19th…and get on with my life…oh how I want to get on with my life…
my dreams are even starting to change…lately they are of finding new love and being happy and secure…
5 more days…5 more days…5 more days…:)
Myboys:
Don’t let this ‘high’ get to high….keep a balance….I don’t want to be a buzzkill…..but I also don’t want you to get real down IF he responds……PROTECT YOUR EMOTIONS!!!
Remember (analogy)…”you don’t have the cash….until the check clears”…..
i also want to point out the ‘order you listed your changing dreams….
“finding new love and being happy and secure”
Switch it around….to BEING HAPPY AND SECURE…..THEN….waiting for love to find you!!!
Your worthy!!!
I’m keeping my fingers crossed……for ya!!!