It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I always value your opinion Beverly – and I do hope he loved me – but it was the way we started up together that set the stage for failure – he always would say” I wish we had met under different circumstances” – we never dated – he never courted me – he just got kicked out of his situation and saw me as an opportunity – and I do “FEEL” like he came to care for me more than he had ever anticipated – if that makes any sense – and dont hit me on the head when I say this – but part of me hopes he will realize we had something special – and some day he will try to capture that chance – that chance that maybe we both regret that it didnt work – but that is my heart talkin – my intelect and mind knows he has problems big problems have to run for now bev take care
Henry, I love having a ramble in the dark, when there is no one therel Here goes, Yes a part of you was naieve, but a part of you was very knowing, knew why you were getting involved. Please dont throw the baby out with the bath water. You loved, because you are a loving person. Remember back, you were very protective and loving to Mike, especially as an older man. What did Mike bring you?? You made no mistakes Henry in the light of the day – realise the picture and reclaim your knowledge.
Henry, my ex said, he had wished he had met me ten years earlier. But you know, i think that is because they know they are different, just they dont us that. We have to pick it up.
Bang on Dr. Steve. That dynamic is probably also what makes the “relationship” so enthralling and special during the “idealize” stage. That, OMG, someone as self assured as the P could find us to be the “one”.
I come from a German background and my mother taught me that one “must have shame” and “one must be humble”.
Shame is tough when you are young and innocent, and “humble” is an efficient way to keep you in your place. Look up to your betters, respect class and cultural lines etc. was the etiquite I was taught.
None of that translates well at all in our North American culture, being “humble” is percieved as weak and is readily exploited.
The combo as described by Dr. Steve is , when engaged with a P, at first electrifyingly fabulous ( both partners get their needs met- the one dominates the other feels validated by the attention of the P) but when the bloom is off the rose – look out.
If as and when I ever have another relationship I will be very guarded about how that person makes me “feel” – and how they go about making me feel it.
Henry, I really think, that no matter who they meet, or whatever happens to them, they think about us and have a place for us in their heart as special – as special as Henry to Mike.
Dr. , REV. ,jere Is IN THE HOUSE:)~
Nope No HEART
NO SOUL
I like your emotional language eyeswideshut – I will call you, eyesverywise!
LEGEND -TOM CRUSE- TIM CURRY
What is light without DARKNESS
I AM APART OF YOU ALL I WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS
dID i TELL YOU mY ( it ) is red and has a tail and horns?