It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I am feeling upset, angry, frustrated. I went to therapy bec. I couldn’t DEAL with his convoluted , manipulative, bullying mind. I wanted real proof of things changing. We saw three therapists: a woman, whom he hated bec. she challenged him, a different woman he ran after 2 visiss bec. she was conflict oriented therapist, then the man who used to be his indiv. ther. and he was bad bec. he called H’s father an “a***ole”
HE wanted to end tharpy as he couldn’t wouldn’t do any more work.
I flet devastated bec. finally the truth was here, and I had to acdept the loss. I avoided divorce as long as I could.
Felt terrified driving to lawyer’s to get it going. Now that the divorce is in process, he won’t let me go.
I do really feel such a terrible grief and am like a zombie each day, lonely, frightened, lost. But I am willing to go through the pain, and then move on. But I can’t even feel what I feel as he is like a horse fly after me and annoying me constantly.
The worst of it is that I actually SECOND GUESS my decison with his taunting me.
That’s my freaked out self talking. The reasonable self –tell him you’ll talk to him about taxes only. Tell him to get Family Wizard for child communication. Tell him you won’t respond about other things. Step it up with lawyer if he goes beyond emails. i.e. phone calls.
Please humor my need to ven about his last coupldof days emails:
1)Sunday he wrote:
I really know how hard all this is for you. Daughter cancelled a couple of appointments with me and today she said she can’t go to b/f’s. It’s good that you want to meet him. I met him and he seems like a sweet boy. Do you think we can keep some direct line of communication open? I think it would help us in our divorce, raise D. and how we relate. I sincerely understand how difficult all this is. Please understand that.
THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT THIS–I feel angry at his selfishness:
**translation**
“HOW HARD THIS IS FOR YOU… BUT i DON’T GIVE A DAMN BEC. WHO CARES WHAT YOU FEEL, i AM MORE IMPORTANT. DAUGHTER BLAH BLAH BLAH I SOUND SENSITIVE AND CARING DAD. PLEASE UNDERSTAND WHAT I WANT FROM YOU AND THAT YOU ARE THERE ONLY TO FILL MY NEEDS. DON’T YOU GET THAT YET?”
2)MOnday he wrote:
This is all true (referring to the do not call email i sent him); but I have never felt worse , have you? so maybe it is the wrong decision? I am sorry too but I am in love with you and respect you and want to save our family and I need your help. Please talk to me and try to help me understand and love you and, if it doesn’t work, I will understand that we have no choice. Your H.
THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT THIS–still angry at his control:
**translation**
“I FEEL TERRIBLE AND THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS SO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. NOW!! YOU ARE A DUMB SUCKER SO I’LL SAY THE CODE WORD THAT’LL HYPNOTIZE YOU–I LOVE YOU–HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH ARE YOU SPELLBOUND YET? I WILL UNDERSTAND “WE” HAVE NO CHOICE TILL i’LL GET IT THRU YOUR DUMB HEAD THAT YOU’LL NEVER GET RID OF ME. NEVER, SO DON’T EVEN TRY.
3) Tuesday he wrote:
You deserve better than our last session at Therapist’s. Please allow me to talk with you.
THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT THIS–I feel like I live in a different universe! Last session at therpist’s HE said he couldn’t do anymore work, all sessions he was jerking me around, attacking therapist, inventing things to be angry at me about
**translation**
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN OUR LAST SESSION–I CAN DO A BETTER ACTING PERFORMANCE NEXT TIME, YOU’LL SEE. I CAN PRETEND REALLY WELL TO BE A CARING SENSITIVE HUSBAND WHO CAN LISTEN. I’LL EVEN PRACTICE IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR BEFORE EVERY SESSION. HONEST. PLEASE ALLOW ME IN SO I CAN GET UNDER YOUR SKIN AND ALL WILL BE WELL AS BEFORE WHEN I CAN HAVE YOU UNDER MY COMPLETE CONTROL. C’MON. YOU KNOW THAT’S THE BEST FOR ME!!
Warrior.
He’s a needy clingon…..maybe it would be better to NOT read his emails for a while….
your D is teenage…..so it’s not pertinent currently.
You’ve traslated his emails welll……
But, I don’t want you to fucus on HIM or his words…..
And besides….he’s gonna have a heart attack soon, or a mental breakdown, or a terminal illenss…so what he says is redundnat anyways ;
🙂
Stay strong….your in it for the long haul…..
ErinBrock,
What if he doesn’t respond to lawyer till next court date with family masters?
Can he drag me through this endlessly?
Should I just file my own taxes separately? Forget him? Or try to get him to send me his paperwork?
DancingWarrior,
You really are doing so WELL. You just need to see this in yourself and validate yourself for being so “right on”.
You answered your own question. Your quote: The worst of it is that I actually SECOND GUESS my decison with his taunting me.
Thats ALL he is after….He wants you to second guess EVERYTHING. And he wants to keep you off balance.
That’s his game, taunting. Keep seeing through him and you will do just fine.
Don’t be sucked in by his guilt trip. The writting is on the wall (in his emails).
You can do this 🙂
Witsend,
Thank you. And that’s why I feel angry, feel something is wrong, but my poor mind is so confused and stressed, that I wonder which was is UP!
This article about exploiters says what you say:
“The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.”
His object is to engender hopelessness and depression and weakness in me. That’s why each time he prefaces his calls with “I hate to do this, but” or “I know how hard this is for you, BUT” or”This is all true, but” and so on–these phrases so anger me.
Please hear this dream I had:
I was with some unknown friends, but turns out I needed to have a sudden ob-gyn exam and as the doctor examines me in the personal way–what seems to be my husband, is lying right there underneath me during the exam–totally weird. And the dr. leaves but leaves the instrument in, and then the husband is leaning his horrible weight on my hip, and I keep telling him to GET OFF ME, but he is heavy and won’t go. Then I pull my strength and scream out GET OFF ME when I woke in that nonverbal middle of the night scream that goes “AAAHHHH!”
thanks witsend.
Warrior…
I’m goinmg to move this conversation to another thread….look for my answer there….
Reading this is an AH HA moment for me. No matter how much I loved, how much I gave, how much I forgave and how much I conceded it was NEVER enough. I was never good enough. Pleasing him and making him happy became a full time job all by itself.
At the back of my mind I have wondered what it is that everyone who is here on Lovefraud have in common. I do not believe that everyone who is here have low self-esteem issues . But reading this blog by Steve may have answered my question. The overriding need to please our partner.
I never thought that was a bad thing. After all, when you love someone you do everything in your power to make them happy AND keep them happy. But I learned that so much giving can be so easily used aginst you too and work against you. It seems like people who are on LF are here becuase of the inability to set proper boundaries in their relationsips. I know I am such a people pleaser to my own detriment. But I have always equated love with making sacrifices for the ones you love. So my question is how do you know where to draw the line? When does too much giving become a bad thing? Now I’m confused.
Deceived,
Good post! I agree that we all don’t have a low self esteem before spath. In my case, I was promised so much that I became an “spath pleaser” in order to satisfy the idiot, only to find out that I had been deceived and the promises I was told were not true and were never going to be able to materialize because he is an spath. As much as he may have wanted to in his little “fantasy mentality” be my Prince Charmimg, his lack of ability of truely being so, it wasn’t going to happen. To sum it up, I think we think that if we are perfect we will get what we were promised!!! LOLOLOL WRONG!!!! We have boundaries, we are convinced to expand them…. in the name of love! We are chasing the pipe dream we are promised. It’s almost like a dog waiting for his treats after following a command and never receiving the treat and the dog tries again(without being given a command, becuase he wants the treat so bad) for the treat with a different trick you have taught him and on and on and on. No matter what the dog does…he will never get the treat…… the TREAT is not really in your pocket and you have fooled the dog. THE DOG HAS BEEN TRICKED/DECEIVED!!! Like we have been!! The treat is not really there! Quit doing tricks and jumping backwards through hoops was my answer.
soimnotthecrazee1 !!!!
Thanks for letting me vent!
Deceived,
The answer is that a good relationship involves both giving and receiving. If the relationship is unbalanced – with you doing all the giving and the other person all the receiving – it is not healthy..
Deceived, I think this a question we all struggle with. Giving so much has landed most of us in hot water – time and again.
I think we have to evaluate this giving/receiving paradigm. I am a very giving person – and now that my ability to trust is so ruptured and i am walling people out as my boundaries are so messed up, I see my impulse to give is disconnected from my feelings. They will come back together at some point.
I walked up to a stranger on the street today – she was wearing a backpack and looking at a map – i offered to help. last week a young guy on a bike asked me if i knew where the youth shelter was. I stood well back from him and as i was giving him my answer i was evaluating him, and the danger level. There was some – don’t know what it was, but i was ready to sprint. My ability to sus people out – well, i don’t trust it these days – i am highly suspicious of people. of everyone. even people i know.
i think we have to take a close look at what being giving has meant to us – look at literature on compassion in buddhism, look at the book the betrayal bond, look at work on codependency and addiction (ACOA or Al Anon)…read and think, and see where it takes you.