It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Thanks Donna. I agree. But I guess this can only apply if you are in a relationship with someone who is emotionally/psychologically healthy?
Because I have found that the lines got blurry when I was with the ex. I felt compelled to work so hard to please him and concede to him just to save the relationship. I had to keep proving myself and my worth that I was worthy of his love. I have never ever reacted this way or been this way with any other man until I met this person. I don’t know what it was or what caused me to behave this way but with him I was fearful of displeasing him not out of fear of being abused physically because he never abused me physically.
Until now I don’t understand what it was about him that made me so fearful and so consumed in pleasing him and meeting his expectations – no matter what they were. He never threatened me physically and yet with him I had to “perform” and jump through hoops for him and for the relationship.
What would cause someone to behave so differently and endure so much for this one person when they were never that way in their past relationships? It still doesn’t make sense and as a result I have learned to keep men at bay and I have closed myself off from any other possible relationships. How do I know I won’t behave that way again? I have become fearful of letting other men get close to me again.
Dear deceived,
This may sound crazy, but I am an animal trainer (among other things) and INTERMITTENT REWARD is what is used to train animals to do “tricks” or behaviors.
If a rat pushes a lever and gets a food pellet EVERY time he pushes the lever and then 2-3-4 times go by and he gets NO pellet, he will quit pushing it and give up.
However, if the rat gets a pellet every other time, or randomly every 2-4 times he pushes the lever, even when he has not had a pellet in 1000 times he will keep on pushing it thinking “this NEXT TIME IS A PELLET FOR SURE.”
That is the same principle on how a SLOT MACHINE works and why people keep putting money into them.
The psychopaths INTERMITTENTLY REWARD us with an “atta girl” for “pleasing” them, but then when we DON’T get a reward we “pound on the lever” over and over thinking NEXT TIME I WILL GET THE REWARD…
I use this when training animals to do tricks and they are ever so hopeful of getting a reward that even though they may not have had a “treat” or food reward in YEARS they are still hopeful and will continue the behavior.
Humans are animals and we are suceptable to the same systems of behaviors vs rewards and reinforcement that any other animal/mammal is.
There is also the “trauma bond” that people can be bonded with, google “Stockholm Syndrome” in which release of pain is used to train people (or animals) The bit in a horse’s mouth causes a small amount of pain, and when we put pressure on the reins and cause that pain, the animal’s REWARD is that when he turns and goes in the direction we want, we RELEASE THE PAIN as his reward. That is a sort of trauma bond.
If you do what I want you to, I will stop hurting you. There is a good book here in the Lovefraud bookstore about Trauma Bonds.
I hope that gives you some idea of where to start looking for possible information about why you reacted the way you did with THIS man and not others. Keep digging, it takes time to find the answers we seek and if we keep on turning over stones we will find those answers eventually! (((hugs))))
Oxy, thank you for illustration. Do you think these people are aware that they are doing that to us or is it possible that they are unaware that they are doing this? Sometimes it is hard for me to say I was abused when he never was physically abusive to me. He cheated on me repeatedly and lied to me but truth is I would not leave him and kept staying with him no matter what he did. Because he kept saying he loves me and he will never do it again. I wonder sometimes if I was abused when I was the one who chose to continue to stay with him regardless of his misdeeds. Was I really abused? When I try to make sense of what happened, what he did and how I responded many times I just end up even more confused.
Do you know if there has ever been a study of people who ended up on love fraud who ended up getting hooked by another abuser when they got into a relationship again ? That thought terrifies me.
Dear deceived,
YEP!!! Many of “us” get into MULTIPLE SERIAL abusive relationships, that is why it is SO IMPORTANT to learn what it is about OURSELVES that makes us potentially vulnerable as victims of these people.
Do they know? My answer to that is yes and know. Do they know it is called operant conditioning and B F SKINNER wrote about it? Nah, probably not, but they know what WORKS.
“Abuse” is how you define it. Is abuse ONLY physical violence? I don’t think so. To me abuse of TRUST is ABUSE and is emotional RAPE (use of our emotions without our informed consent.)
Yes, we “stay” even after they hurt us, we stay because they SAY “I love you” or “I’m Sorry” but the truth is that they are lying and WE are choosing to believe their lies—over and over again because it is TOO PAINFUL to face the truth….that they do NOT love us and that they are not trustworthy.
Our reaction is called DENIAL. Denial is a normal and natural response to a LOSS SO HUGE WE CAN’T ACCEPT IT IN ONE SWALLOW. So we nibble at it but DENY it is completely true.
For example, if I told you that you had to EAT an ENTIRE COW you would say “I CAN NEVER DO THAT” but actually in your life time you have probably already eaten SEVERAL COWS if you are a meat eater at all….ONE BITE AT A TIME.
I was trained from childhood that my opinion didn’t matter, that I had to be PERFECT in order to count, and since I never could get to be perfect I wasn’t OK. I was also trained that I had to FORGIVE (pretend that it didn’t happen) when someone else did something bad to me or others—and I had to do that or the PENALTY WAS HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE FROM A VENGEFUL GOD.
Set me up for becoming a “people pleaser” and to put others before my self to the point of self abuse, and self neglect.
So, when the psychopaths happened along, even my own P-son, I couldn’t give up the MALIGNANT HOPE that they would “repent and get better” and stop hurting me. I stayed in DENIAL, “Oh, it isn’t all that bad, they are really sorry” over and over and over….and blamed myself if someone was angry/abusive at/to me, rather than put the responsibility where it squarely should have been ON THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR, I kept trying to find ways that I COULD FIX THE PROBLEM.
Well, I can’t fix their bad behavior no matter how hard I try. I can only change my RESPONSE to it.
NOW I choose to not have anything to do with DISHONEST and abusive people in my close intimate circle of friends/family/trust.
Sure I have a psychopathic neighbor but I stay away from him as much as I can…which is pretty close to NC. I live on the same farm with my egg donor, but I am NC except occasional business e mails confined to BUSINESS only. I have very little contact with my biological son C since almost a year ago he LIED TO ME. He sent me an e mail asking me a medical question the other day and I answered him, but he is NO longer an intimate part of my life, because I realize I can’t trust him to be truthful with me, and it wasn’t just the ONE lie he told that made me exclude him from my intimate circle of trust, but the one lie was the FROSTING on the “cake” of the thousand other previous lies he had told me that I had “forgiven” or “overlooked” or accepted a half arsed “apology” for…but he KNEW WHEN HE TOLD THIS LAST ONE, that the BOUNDARY was there, that there would be NO MORE OVERLOOKING ANY LIES OR DISHONESTY.
A philosopher (cant remember who) said “It isn’t that you lied to me that is the problem, it is that I can now no longer believe what you say.” (or words to that effect)
I do not want or need in my life ANYONE who is dishonest or lies (we are talking about adults here now) and there are no second changes for those who lie as far as I am concerned now.
I expect that people treat me as well as I treat them. I expect that people treat me with respect and kindness. I no longer give people a chance to treat me with disrespect or rudeness a second time either.
Recently my best friend was passing through this area (she lives in another state) and her sister was with her, and they spent the night here….the sister is a “drama queen” and while she was here she had her little dog with her. The dog pooped on my back deck, she didn’t clean it up, the dog chewed up and scattered a paper food bowl out there too, she didn’t pick that up either. She left the light on and the fan going and the bedroom she slept in a mess.
Nothing BIG mind you, but just “not good manners” to say the least. Just this sense of entitlement I guess you could say that someone else could clean up behind her and her dog.
I didn’t say anything about that to her or to my best friend, but it will NEVER AGAIN BE CONVENIENT for that woman to stay in my house over night again. She mentioned when she left here that she intended to come back up here and ride my horse sometime in the future. Not ASKING if she could but INFORMING ME of her intention.
Well, to start with, I do NOT LOAN MY HORSE OUT to anyone any more than I would loan out my toothbrush or other intimate personal equipment and if I DID, it would NOT be to her! LOL
I understand your terror at thinking you might get involved with another one of the psychopaths. I HAVE HAD THAT TERROR. However, I realized that the terror came from my LOSS OF CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF TO KEEP ME SAFE, so now, I am REGAINING that confidence in MYSELF, learning to trust ME again.
It takes time, so give it time. Too many times I see people who have had a run in with a psychopath JUMPING RIGHT BACK INTO A NEW RELATIONSHIP in an effort to make themselves feel better and it SEEMS TO ME that more times than not, they pick another psychopath because they didn’t really LEARN what the RED FLAGS are. The signs that you are dealing with a psychopath.
GIVE yourself TIME to heal. Don’t be in a hurry to get into another relationship. Set boundaries for people in your intimate circle of friends and relationships.
Matt, one of our posters here set the TION list.
They must have an educa-TION
Transpor-TATION, habita-TION, etc etc. and eliminate all people who are DIS-honest, liars, ex convicts, druggies, etc. Not that there are NO reformed addicts or convicts but WHY TAKE A CHANCE? What’s the odds? Most “ex” convicts are STILL DISHONEST. Why have someone who is dishonest in your life? Not any good reason I can see.
Give yourself time, and learn to trust yourself again, it isn’t easy but as you take baby steps in that direction it will get easier.
Right now you are gob-smacked and not sure what truck ran over you, and that’s okay…it WILL GET BETTER. Knowledge is power, so get all the knowledge you can! (((hugs))))
Deceived…I was a sociopath magnet. I’ve gotten involved with a bunch of good looking, charming, lying sociopaths in my life. I read The Betrayal Bond and learned why.
The key is to work on your self esteem and get tough and strong.
I always KNEW they were lying and yet I gave them chances over and over….
I have to go out..will write later.
Finally I found people who understand me and is listening to me. I felt so alone for 2 years until I found LF. This is all new to me. I have never been involved with someone like the ex who was such a liar, cheater and consumate manipulator so this is all new to me. The sickening behavior of the man I was with and your ex’s treatment of you is bewildering to me and none of this makes sense to me. a Oxy and Tobehappy – thank you so much. I am learning so much from all of you. And as you all share your own stories, I am encouraged and strengthened. I thought I was all alone. You women inspire me. I thought I was all alone and I am shocked to learn that there are so many others out there who have been treated so horribly like me. It is SHOCKING to know that there are so many of us with such similar experiences. I had no idea. It had been a lonely road to travel. No one seemed to understand what I was going through and why I found the lies, betrayal and manipulation so devastating. I have been told by others to just get over it and move on. If I could just get over it, don’t they think I would have done that already? But I want to…I NEED TO understand what happened to me, why I was treated this way, why I allowed it and why he thought it was okay to treat me that way. For the first time I have found people who don’t tell me to just suck it up, get over it and move on. I am getting feedback from people who also felt the same hurt, anger, betryal and outrage at what was done to them too. I am glad I found this group here at LF. I feel like finally someone understand me and is listening to me. Thank you all.
Dear Decieved, Welcome! I know where you are coming from. I had no idea what a sociopath was until I was fooled, slandered, and stalked by the ex-spath. I thought he was my FRIEND! I don’t even remember how I found Lovefraud, but it has been such a blessing.
It was NOT your fault! Just because you were targeted by a spath I’ll bet you are just a darling sweetheart. We all have had bittersweet endings to love affairs…but NOT the betrayals like this! They are CRAZY, evil nasty people.
So glad you are here! I post in dribs and drabs, but I often come here to read and get strength and validation for my horror and anger at what has happened to me.
Dear Deceived,
When I came here to LF and realized I was NOT alone, there were other smart, educated, strong women who had also been hood winked and who were having difficulty “just moving on”—It was such a BLESSING to realize I was NOT ALONE.
I wasn’t in the company of a bunch of “losers” I was in the company of a group of SUCCESSFUL women (and men) who had been beaten to the ground by EVIL DOERS without consciences.
I knew instinctively that there was a common theme of why we stayed, just like there was a common theme of why they do what they do.
No, we are not identical people, and they are not identical, but there are similarities between each of us (former victims) and the way they, the ABUSERS, are similar to each other.
We can draw on those similarities to help each other, to reach out a hand in understanding and compassion…Donna has given us a great venue here to do just that. I am glad you are here as well, because by reaching out to each other, we reinforce our own healing and growth. It is a process, and not one easily or quickly accomplished but DON’T BE IMPATIENT WITH YOURSELF, cut yourself some slack and start out just being kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Put yourself first. The healing will come.
LEARN LEARN LEARN, about them, and about yourself. (((Hugs))) and My prayers for your healing!
“But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.”
I’m slightly at odds with the terminology here. Forgive me for being nitpicky- lol that’s not my intention. What i mean though is because I think this is often a misconception, that sociopaths prey on unconfident people, not that you implied that here, but I also wanted to add that the sociopath’s so called “confidence” is pathological confidence, and as such I don’t believe can be construed or viewed as true confidence. ( And as such, can’t necessarily be interpreted as “greater” than the healthy individual’s ) I don’t think for instance, masturbating to a false image of yourself is confidence.. but anyway there’s a lot of nuances of pathology that can exactly be expressed in the most correct of words, can only be hinted at or kind of given to analogy.
But people with high empathy ( as per the usual victims of sociopaths ) are also given to caring about others, you might say more than your average person- or at least more willing to make efforts, and so thus more willing to go to lengths to make that person happy. Even if those lengths are extraordinary ( which is unfortunate ) . I don’t think that high empathy tends to mix in with low confidence. But given, once you care about someone ( empathy ), of course you are going to be more susceptible to self-doubt when exposed to a pathological persona… “What am I doing wrong?” .. so I think for the most part saying that sociopaths prey on less confident people primarily is incorrect ( again not saying you made the implication because you haven’t. Someone who believes in their right of way and is absolutely not given to any disagreement- that might be interpreted as confidence. And surely, will foster self-doubt if this type of individual became intertwined with an empathetic one ). I do think they look for vulnerable people ( if you have PTSD or anxiety you would be vulnerable ) and people that generally have an innocent worldview. Like you said in another article they are cowards because they take advantage of a healthy inclination in other people ( the desire for a relationship )
And just to add- the idea that S/N/Ps prey on unconfident people is a huge misconception. I think this is addressed in Women Who Love Psychopaths though so..
( In the aftermath of the Psychopath, you see a frail, “weak” woman, who has been subject to much mental and emotional torture, and researchers erroneously interpret this as their having been unconfident… well of course they would because they didn’t know these women BEFORE the psychopath had entered into their lives! That’s why so many people refer to S/N/Ps as vampires.. because S/N/P’s attempt to bleed the vital, healthy, vibrant, gregarious energy out of their victims… to leave a hollow shell that doesn’t even know what hit it, so the S/N/Ps can merrily and without second thought move onto their next victim )