It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
nancy,
interesting article. The part that stood out for me most was, “they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—”. That’s what I did.
But I always knew I was a better person than he was. and he KNEW that I knew. It made him hate me all the more. The reason I kept striving to be a better mate to him, was for me. Knowing that I was the “adult” in the relationshit, I took responsiblitiy for making it and him and me, better. Not knowing the depths of his disorder, I thought I could carry the burden of keeping us emotionally and financially afloat. Really didn’t mind, I wanted to make “us” happy, and knew he was not capable of doing his share of the work but, just like I did my sister’s homework, even in college, I took on this extra burden.
So what you said, Nancy, is true. I had an EXCESS of confidence in my abilities. In the end, he cut me down to size. I was willing but not able. Oh well, at least now I have more humility.
The thing about P’s is that you have to follow the 180 rule. Whatever they say, or represent, it is 180 degrees to the truth. Everything is backward with them, like a mirror image, it is the reverse of the truth. They appear confident, but they are just a shallow lie. We appear unconfident, but it’s because we have taken on more than we can handle. They project their evil on to us and slander us. the 180 rule. remember it because you can count on it.
OMG…..this is so completely right on…..
I see myself completely with my Spath. I thought he was GOD”S GIFT in the beginning, that he had something to offer that was so special and outstanding…..and he chose ME. He KNEW that and fed off of it and I fed off his approval of me. That was in the beginning…but when the abuse started three months in, in a way that was completely devastating (is three months the magical marker or WHAT), I automatically assumed it was me. I had no idea what I’d done wrong. I had no idea I was being set up and that it had nothing to do with me at all. I just couldn’t figure out why my little God was so unhappy with me…
I wanted his love and acceptance because I loved him dearly. He knew that……………
Wow, he knew that….and it was that very thing that kept me sucking up and trying to please him…and i remember GREAT fear in displeasing him!!
UGH
Lesson,
I think this lesson is one of the top “hardest” lessons learned while recovering from an spath. Because we live in denial and keep trying and trying and trying to please a person that can NOT be pleased and will NOT allow you to please them. They love their web of misery and want us tucked in it with them.
Soimnotthecrazee1!
If the X is demonstrably and substantially ill (and this is usually I gather from drinking too much for too long) then it is hard to deny them medical help this was my major downfall and it happened to me twice. I’m a bit programmed to help the disabled. However i did not try too hard to please in other ways, and very quickly got sick of the drama and endless demands and opted out But man has he held on like a limpet. Saying he had weeks, months at most a year to live, Filling my house with his essential papers mixed with a truck load of newspapers, to try to block eviction, trying to move in his girlfriends and a brother even now he’s been moved on still leaving a truck load of stuff behind and continuing to have mail addressed to my home. They are cocky when they have your adoration, when they have lost it, and they know they have lost it and you will not even attempt to be pleasing, then they resort to infantile and obvious means of harrassment and attracting attention. In the back of your mind you probably fear this final stage of stalking, blocking, stonewalling, or whatever form the end game takes, plus the effort of surgically removing them from your life and this is another reason for trying to please and trying to repair.
Skylar,
you just described the dozen years I spent with my spath perfectly, echoing my thoughts about being the adult, and working to make us better, and knowing that I was more capable, and knowing that he knew it too, and thinking somehow, that if I kept loving and supporting and celebrating him, he would move past that outer confidence to a place where he could find his inner confidence, and realize that I was not a threat, but an ally. Silly me, little did I know his failure to reciprocate, his failure to support me, his tendency to withold praise or assistance, or throw spanners in the works did not stem from a lack of confidence hidden by bravado. But really, I couldn’t see how it could be anything else at the time – I simply couldn’t imagine that he acted that way on purpose – I rationalized that if he acted like that, there must be a reason, and it must be from a place of hurt, not a place of rage and jealousy…Silly Rabbit, Trix are for Kids. LOL!
And Dancing, thanks for your post – as Skylar mentioned, I had previously had a decent level of confidence in myself, while also being a pleaser. And while I may not have been the most gregarious in the group, I don’t think your average person perceives me to be particularly lacking in confidence. But, I realize a tendency to embarrassed by attention, and a tendency to be be self-deprecating, and I think a spath would hone in on that, and play on it, and be attracted to someone who would get the job done, and happily share the limelight, and even stand just outside its glow. Perhaps it is not just an obvious lack of confidence these predators look for, but perhaps a combination of capability, that exists in conjunction with some other innate or situational vulnerability – such as my previous experiences with a narc father and subsequent “pleaser” behaviours, or the death of my mother shortly after our introduction….
Denise – He drank, he knew the consequences, he had a choice. He chose to drink and the consequence of that was that he was ‘substantially’ ill. His problem, he had the solution.
The mail keeps coming for a while. I just had a phone call from him from a car company, I just say he no longer lives here. He took out a couple of car insurances in this address so I rang the companies and let them know the score.
I like your phrase ‘surgically removing them’ 🙂
Going through the motions
funny thing about that post is that I only vaguely remember writing it and although it is true, what I wrote, I had forgotten those feelings and that lesson. I can see that I’m starting to slip back into that old habit of taking on more than my share of the burden. There’s nothing like seeing your own words Telling you what you need to know and remember.
Another interesting thing about this article Is that steve said the psycho is not looking for the perfect mate, he’s looking for the perfect scapegoat. That is what is wrong with all of us. we were brought up to the scapegoats. and we are more than happy to shoulder more responsibility than is actually ours. isn’t that the literal definition of a scapegoat?
my god, the aha! moments just keep coming and coming.
Sky, that’s so true! Every time I pushed the envelope to please my psychopath, after a brief few hours or days of glee, he demanded more boundary violations. Same thing with his wife, who bent over backwards, exercised like a race horse for 4 hours or more a day, left her job, moved to another state to set up a second house: all of these sacrifices and efforts just to please him. Ultimately all her efforts are in vain since he emotionally abuses her anyway. They love seeing their victims jump through hurdles because it shows them their power over us. How did you manage to resist 25 years of jumping over hurdles for him? You must have conserved your energy some of the time, otherwise the psychopath would have sucked all the life out of you.
I found this article and BINGO. This is exactly my problem. I have been going around and around with my mother the last few weeks to the point of almost being depressed. I was starting to believe she was starting to take some of the blame or at least understanding how she set me up for abuse by her constant criticism, but no, I was feeling guilty today and wanting to apologize to her.
I always wanted to please my dad. I believe now that when she would say things like “Your father thinks, or your father is not happy with… such and such that it was she who was not happy and was just using my need to please.
When she remarried, I was 50. She tried that crap on me with my new step dad. He was painting the inside of my house after my husband left. Yes, he was doing me a favor, but one day I told my mother that I just needed a break and wanted one day to myself. She said “Do you want me to tell XXXX that? I said YES. Why should I want to please him? Her manipulation and mind games run very deep.
I am starting to see now how I tend to fill in the gaps and explain away bad behavior in men, or brush away red flags. I want to be helpful. I want to please them. Even when I KNEW that my boyfriend was a sociopath, I felt more nervous canceling the 4th of July Weekend, not because I was afraid, but because I didn’t want to displease him. When he hung up on me on Christmas Eve, when my husband left and hung up on me almost every time I called him…….When my mother insinuates that I am interrupting their dinner, or Jeopardy, or I ALWAYS call at the wrong time, I put up with the damn abuse and kept going back for more. Why the rejection? They were rejecting me because they couldn’t use me anymore, not because there was anything wrong with me. How is my mother using me? She isn’t now, but she did when my dad died and I had to babysit her. Now that she doesn’t need me anymore I am in the way.
I don’t need to fix it, I never did. I don’t even need to apologize to my mother for making her feel bad. (I wish I could really believe that) The part about my mother.
True-to-Self
More…..the article talks about spaths and narcs sometimes just need a scapegoat. I believe I successfully learned to quit taking the blame for BF’s and husbands, but I sure make a good scapegoat for my mother.
The thing I finally stood up to her about was that I am tired of being the butt of the joke. She may or may not realize that she is doing it. She asked me why I was bringing this up after all of these years, and don’t blame her for my bad marriage. I actually told her that I did blame her for setting me up for abuse because I was used to criticism. I have walked on eggshells for years trying to please her. It is very sad that now that she is old I feel like I am picking on her. The truth is, I really am tired of being picked on.
TTS