It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
yeah, me too.
my dad started crying last time I saw him. This from the macho “head of the family” who once told me that the only god I needed was him.
Mom on the other hand, just sits there looking somber. no emotion except when she started to talk about a soap opera and how in the story, the young man finds out where his mother was buried. His mother had died in child birth and he finally finds out where, but the grave marker is gone and he starts to kiss the dirt. Then he feels his mother’s caress and love. So my mom was telling me this and she starts crying.
WTF? Is this a spath thing?
My uncle, several years ago, was also relating the story of a soap opera he watched and he started crying. This from the man who cheated on his wife to torment her into cancer and death. He did it to her face. And he treated me like shit when I was young too. He was supposed to pick us up after school but if I was late coming out of the classroom, he would make me run behind the car to catch up.
TTS – QUOTE: I was used to criticism. I have walked on eggshells for years trying to please her. It is very sad that now that she is old I feel like I am picking on her. The truth is, I really am tired of being picked on. << your words really struck a chord with me, like a blast from the past!
Oh my, these words, almost exactly have come out of my mouth SO many times. My husband, who rarely says anything negative about anyone, has commented on the way my mother treats me.
I too, was there for her when my dad was sick and dying. Taking time off from my job to drive them to Dad's appointments with the Oncologist, then of course, to the infusion lab.
I have made comments to her at times with regard to the way she is always so critical of me. Nothing I do is ever quite good enough. Although, I'm always the one she calls upon when she needs help with anything. Even though her darling son lives right next door to her, and I live over 300 miles away.
I remember one Christmas… actually, I'll never forget it. She had bought a pair of re-tread snow tires for me, and a king-sized water-bed for my 13 year old brother. Gee, do you suppose there was a bit of favoritism there?
That was the most blatant example when we were kids. There have been many more throughout the years since we've been adults.
The scars are still quite raw sometimes. Although, most of the time, I'm able to live in the present and not dwell on the past hurt.
I guess that all we can do is try to remember that we are not the unworthy or unloved people that they make us feel we are. They probably don't even realize what they do. Too self-absorbed, I think. (((hugs)))
Dear Hope2Heal,
My egg donor plays the “poooor little sweet old lady who is mistreated and abandoned by her only child”””””boooo hooooo booo hooooo wahhhhhhh Oh, pity her!!!! (excuse me while I PUKE!)
Well, just because they are old and/or infirm doesn’t make them suddenly SAINTLY….just pathetic. My egg donor canceled my power of attorney and told her doctor that I could not see her medical records though for years I had either BEEN her medical care provider or I had supervised her care and been to every medical visit for 10 yrs, was her “live in nurse” driver and maid for nearly 18 months when my step dad was sick (I did it for him because I loved him) but I also did it for her out of a sense of duty that I am her only child. But you know something?
When she canceled my ABILITY to care for her (canceling the power of attorney) she also CANCELED MY RESPONSIBILITY to do so. So SHE SHOT HERSELF IN THE FOOT AND I AM NO LONGER OBLIGATED TO TAKE CARE OF HER. I am sure she thought I would beg her to get the POA back and the medical oversight, in fact she called me some times and tried to tell me about her latest doctor’s visit. I simply told her I no longer needed to know about this as I had no permission to know it any longer.
Yes Oxy,
that’s what I’m trying to say: they cry for themselves, they’ll cry for a character on tv, but the scapegoat never gets any tears. We are seen as able to shoulder the responsibility. We are stronger and bigger and should just let everyone else’s blame ride on our shoulders.
This is such a crock. I won’t do it anymore.
Dear Oxy ~ your egg donor actually sounds very much like the lady that was my mother’s best friend for 30+ years. Only had one child, a son, who sat very high on the pedestal where she raised him to be. She was one of those women that treated all males as if they were royalty, and all females, with the exception of my mother, as if they were the servants.
I am very glad that your egg donor removed the legal obligation from you. It would not be a good thing to have the responsibility of POA for someone who has treated you so poorly. Talk about FREEDOM!!
It amazes me, the chit these people will try to pull to keep us under their control!! You are an incredibly strong woman. I wanna be like you when I grow up!! (I’m just shy of 51, not sure I’m ever going to grow up)
All kidding aside, I really admire your strength and very much appreciate your insight. You are truly inspiring! I’ve been spending at least a couple of hours reading here each day. I am gaining strength and with that a feeling of calm. In the past week, I have slept much better than I had in the previous 6 months!
THANK YOU to everyone for sharing stories and insight. I wish that I could remember all the names… Oxy, Star, Sky… and many more… believe me, I appreciate you ALL!!!
(((hugs)))
Sky ~ I so hear you!! I have also been the one expected to shoulder the blame and been held responsible for the mistakes and /or misdeeds of others. From my mother, to some of my in-laws. Thankfully not MIL & FIL, they are great.
I WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE!! Song lyrics just popped into my head:
“We’re not gonna take it! No, we ain’t gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it anymore!!” (from a song written by D Snider of Twisted Sister)
Dear Hoope2,
Thank you very much….don’t “feel” strong sometimes, but we are ALL stronger than we even realize ourselves….
Yea, the egg donor (I think) did not realize that she would end up alone. She couldn’t control me so she devalued and discarded me in favor of the Trojan Horse and my son C’s P-wife to be here slaves, but then when they got arrested—she wanted to come back to me and have me “get back on board” but I refused. She literally told me “let’s just pretend none of htis happened and start over.” NOPE!!!!! NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
But I also realized that my OBLIGATION as her only child to care for her was CANCELED when she made it impossible for me to legally do so. My cousin had taken on the “responsibility” of her POA and I refused to take it back. She did it to “punish” me and as a sign of “no confidence” but I would not PRETEND it didn’t happen. I had no authority, and without authority you have no obligation….she did it, but it “back fired” on her when the psychopaths turned out to not be trustworthy. Oh, well…that is the consequence of her choice. It was a load off my back though when I realized I did not have the responsibility any longer.
I am also an only child. My mother has 5 living sisters who live in a southern state. She also has some grown step children now. The interesting thing about having step siblings is I finally get some validation as she treats them somewhat the same way.
Her husband had a really bad first marriage…..so bad that he got custody of the children. When he married my mother I believe he got another Narcissist or BPD not sure which. I didn’t know any of this until very recently. Heck she could be a spath fo all I know.
When my father was alive, he seemed to be a buffer between my mother and myself and did stand up to her. My step is an enabler. I actually am starting to feel sorry for him now.
It is interesting what you say, Oxy, about your mother taking away your right to handle her medically. That is my greatest fear is that I am going to be responsible for her. If something were to happen to her husband than all of a sudden she would be my best friend again. Oh well, I will worry about that bridge later as right now I am having enough problems dealing with my own health and have my autistic daughter to think about.
TTS
Dear TTS,
YOu know I did not realize it before all this, but we are NOT RESPONSIBLE for either our parents or our children after they are 18 unless we have a need….and just because we gave birth to them or vice versa does not make us “responsible.”
Your daughter who is autistic is one thing, but your mother who is abusive is totally another thing.
My egg donor taking away my POA at first hurt because it showed she “didn’t trust me.” But later I saw it as a BLESSING because it also made me see that I had NO responsibility, no obligation to take care of her…she is well enough off financially to hire someone to take care of her when she is unable to do for herself…or she can go to a nursing home. It isn’t like I am throwing a helpless old woman out on the street to starve. SHE REJECTED ME….to start with….but even if she hadn’t rejected me, I have NO obligation to care for her, legal or moral. It just so happened that her rejection of me SHOWED ME THE LIGHT. Made me realize that I really don’t have an OBLIGATION to care for her. I’ve supported myself since I was 17…I am and have been totally independent from her since then. I do not OWE her anything financially, and I have gone NC because of how she has treated me, because of her CONTINUED lying to me, etc.
Just like my oldest biological son C has lied to me, again. He knew that I will no longer tolerate lies and he chose to lie to me, showing me that he did not respect my boundaries. I asked him to leave my house, and then he lied to his friends, our friends, and his boss about why I asked him to leave. Another lie. I have no contact with him that is not necessary to coordinate our mutual efforts to keep his P-brother and my P-son in prison. I do not owe him anything, and he doesn’t owe me anything, but because he has chosen to lie to me, I have chosen to be NC with him. He isn’t a psychopath, but he is not the kind of man I want in my life—the fact I gave birth to him doesn’t give him any special dispensation to be in my life as well as lie to me. Ditto with the egg donor, blood doesn’t count above behavior.
I am glad that I finally “saw the light” as far as my obligation to others for THEIR PROBLEMS and bad behavior, for their needs etc. I am NOT OBLIGATED to endure abuse and then “pretend it didn’t happen and endure more.” That may sound pretty hard nosed, but there are consequences for abusing others and being shunned (NC) is one of those consequences where I am concerned NOW. I’m done with the enabling.
Oxy,
My Autistic daughter is in a good group home. She comes home every other weekend. I am happy about that. I have even talked to them about would she be able to stay there if something were to happen to me. They said yes.
I am an only child and she is an only child.
My mother has been smothering through the years. She was not the kind of abuser that anyone would notice. What she did instead was not teach me how to do anything and then treat me like I was stupid for not knowing how. Although she prides herself on always telling the truth and instead “catches others in lies” I caught her in one the other day. She was again making me the butt of a joke. I told her I heard that. She said she didn’t say it. I told her that was “crazy making” to deny something that happened two days ago. Her favorite thing now is “Why am I bringing all of this up after all of these years.” The reason is twofold, she is still doing it, and in reading books on Emotional Abuse, I realize that she was the original abuser. The hardest thing I had to deal with that may have been somewhat similar to yourself is that my stbxh before he was my ex and my mother seemed to gang up on me in their put downs.
It was very surprising to my husband that she took my side during the divorce. She did help me financially with my lawyer and buying my H out of his share of the house, but I feel I earned every penny of that money. I also did not put her on the title to my house as she thought that I should.
The truth is I have had a lot of growing up to do in a very short time. I pride myself on still being sane. However, she may be the one who will finally send me running to therapy.
TTS