It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
TTS,
your mom sounds so much like mine. My condolances.
Oxy,
I would like your opinion on hypnotherapy.
I’ve always had an aversion to that kind of thing, but I feel I have to try because I’m not moving forward on my own.
I GET everything about sociopaths and trauma bonding. But I just can’t get past this thing with my parents. I can’t seem to internalize what I KNOW.
Do you have any knowledge or experience on hypnosis?
Sky~ I know you didn’t ask me, but I do have just a little experience with hypnosis.
I went to a hypnotist about 25 years ago to help me quit smoking. I think it would have worked if I had been truly ready to quit at the time. The reason I say that is because it made my smokes taste like chit!! Of course, being the dedicated smoker I was at that time, I kept right on a smokin’. dumb ass, I know.
So, in my opinion, if you are someone who is susceptible to hypnosis, it will help you.
BTW, I have been a NON-smoker for 4 months short off 11 years now. YIPPEEEEE!!!!
Sky,
I’ve not been reading much here, so if you’ve mentioned this, I’ve missed it, do you still have contact with your parents?
LL
Hope,
thanks, I’m not sure how suceptible I am but I’m willing.
Hi LL,
No, I am NC mostly but I went to see my dad on his birthday, March 1st. I can tell you LL, that no amount of NC will eradicate my love for my parents. It’s a trauma bond. My father has the same trauma bond for his mom and she has been dead for 25 years or more. He still worships her as a saint (she was an evil witch) and she still controls him from the grave. He believes that all good things that happen to him are because of her. (excuse me while I puke).
My mother, whose father died in 1970, is similarly controlled by him and her deceased mom. I come from a long, long, long line of spaths. There is no question of that now. They were all professional trauma bonders. Almost the entire family is poison but mostly in very subtle ways. I’m desperate to remove that from me.
Dear Sky,
Hypnosis works for some and doesn’t for others—there is nothing magic about it. I don’t think it would hurt if you went to a reputable therapist, don’t go to just someone who is ONLY a hypnotist but go to a therapist who does hypnosis.
I used it once to quit smoking and didn’t smoke for 9 months then started dating the P and he smoked, ,and I went back to smoking, this time I just quit smoking on my own.
I think the ABSOLUTE BEST way on the parental units is to GO NO CONTACT….and stay that way. As long as you insist on trying to educate them you might as well be pounding your head on the wall, they don’t have to be full blown psychopaths in order to be dense and unchangable. Not having the enablers and the Ps and the other dysfunctional and drama queens in my life is making life really NICE FRANKLY!!! People come to see me and are glad to see me, they smile and are nice to me. I go to see them, they are glad to see me and they are nice. WOW! No one to tell me what an arsehole I am or what a biatch I am…can’t imagine! lI didn’t know life could be this neat and tranquil.
Sky,
That makes me more curious about trauma bonds. I NC’d my bio fam awhile back. NOT having contact with them is painful at times, but more in a reminiscent way. Being completely NC with them and now with ex last toxic spath, I think contributes to the breaking of the trauma bond. I don’t feel trauma bonded to my parents. I do still to spath though.
I wonder if it might be more about acceptance, rather than a trauma bond? Or if the two go hand in hand in some way?
I still have yet to heal the wounds of what the spaths DID to me, but I have complete indifference to them now insofar as wanting contact or that a trauma bond exists at all. I think total and complete NC helped that and accepting that these people are spaths and that the only way to get free of them was to get completely free.
NOw with LAST spath on the other hand, not there yet….
I think you just enlightened me with your post, Sky. I don’t “Love” my parents anymore. I feel no bond whatsoever for or to them.
I wonder if that’s cruel? Or if that means the trauma bond is broken and acceptance was the key and removed whatever love I thought existed?
Lots to ponder here….
LL
Thanks Oxy,
they are very nice to me. That’s the problem. Throughout most of my life, my S/P/N’s have been soooo nice to me. They are mirroring me.
So the way they all get me is with the pity ploy and an overwhilming sense of responsibility. I feel like I have to sacrifice for everyone – even spaths. That programming is deep. All my knowledge is not extricating the slime.
They are taking care of my cats, they know how grateful I am for that. and the cats are indoors and have made the downstairs into a cat lair – complete with cat piss smell.
Then there is the fact that I haven’t done their book keeping or taxes for the past year+. I can’t focus or think about them without being traumatized, so instead I do nothing. Got to let go of those emotions so I can function.
Sky,
I have a tendency to agree with Ox on this one about going completely NC and not trying to educate your parents.
I tried to “educate” my psycho daddy ROFLOL!!! Um, yeeeeahhhh…
Granted, he was a psycho, but even, just as Ox said, enablers can be very toxic to you, particularly if they did not protect you…which it sounds like they didn’t especially about ex spath.
I think letting go of your parents is a really tough and long process, but one day, you’ll get tired of the educating and the hopeless frustration in wanting to grasp for one second that they get it or that you were loved like you were suppose to be in some way.
When you said no amount of NC will eradicate your love for your parents. I don’t agree with that Sky, in fact, I’d be willing to go out on a limb and say that projecting that for yourself is self defeating in your ability to let go of them, and while you hang onto even a glimmer of hope that they will see the light, you’re sabotaging yourself and your life. That love will become something else if you give up your hope….and that trauma bond will be gone sky, but not while contact of any sort or that hope remains.
HUGS
LL
Sky ~ I agree with Oxy. I think it’s a matter of truly believing that it can work. I guess that’s what I meant by being susceptible to it. I really don’t know HOW it works, I just know that it CAN.
I believe that the therapist you see for hypnosis, must be someone with whom you can feel comfortable and relaxed. It probably wouldn’t hurt to do a little research on therapists in your area, first to see where hypnosis is offered, and also to check their reputation. (((hugs)))
Thank you, Hope, LL and Oxy.
I have checked out a hypnotherapist and she seems good. I spoke for a while with her and read her blog. She looks like Donna (from her picture)!
Anyways, I have stopped thinking about educating my parents but there are times when I have to deal with them. Very rarely, about once every 3 months or so. I just want to rid myself of the trauma bond. It’s worth almost any sacrifice to not feel for them anymore.