Since the last round of my “Custody War” with Luc (my ex psychopath), I have thought a lot about the flaws in our legal system. I run the events of the trials (“battles”) over and over in my head. I still can’t understand how such a disordered man like my ex can be allowed to have unsupervised access to a child. I know it is not healthy to think about it so much, but I can’t help it when the thoughts creep into my head. I keep trying to put my finger on why this process left me so incredibly disturbed.
Even after hearing disturbing testimony from several of Luc’s previous victims (who graciously agreed to testify against Luc during my Custody War), I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was looking at an empty human-like shell that slightly resembled the man I thought I loved.
The Analogy
During the opening and closing statements of my Custody War with Luc, my attorney described Luc as “The Man Who Never Was”. As I am a child of the 80’s, I didn’t understand the reference my lawyer was making at first. He explained to me that he had taken this phrase from the title of a 1956 film that was based on World War II. In summary, the film was about “Operation Mincemeat”, which was a 1943 British Intelligence plan to deceive the Axis powers into thinking Operation Husky, the Allied Invasion of Sicily, would take place elsewhere.
(Stick with me here, I promise that this has relevance for even those non-history buffs.)
As part of this attempt to deceive the Axis powers, the operation involved dressing up a human cadaver and creating a fictitious story around a man who didn’t really exist. This whole thing was an attempt to manipulate the opposition. Unfortunately for me (and my son), I believe this analogy may have gone completely over the judge’s head. In the past few weeks, however, I have thought more and more about this analogy and I think it may resonate with many who have been in similar situations with psychopaths.
The Plot:
Though Luc is most certainly “the evil” in this scenario, his deception against me was like his very own version of “Operation Mincemeat”. His objective was money. He had run through his previous victim and needed a new income source. He would find his target, listen to her hopes and dreams, and create the story for his “cadaver” based on her version of Prince Charming.
My Conclusions:
Family Court can be incredibly intrusive. Many people (who aren’t dealing with psychopath ex’s) likely decide to settle out of court so that they can save themselves the expense and the relentless exposure of their personal lives. That being said, this “exposure” only really applies if you are playing by the rules. For example, I provided the court copies of my taxes, bank statements, pay stubs, property information, and a complete history of my education and family background.
Luc, on the other hand, remained “The Man who Never Was” throughout the entire trial. His lies seemed to evolve and morph as time went on to further prove that not only was he “The Man who Never Was” to the court, I wasn’t even sure if HE knew who he was by the end. He presented clearly fake tax statement and pay stubs for a job he has never held. The court, however, accepted these documents as truth and never questioned how a man got to be middle aged without ever having a legitimate job.
The reality of Family Court is ugly. It takes a special person to be able to see through the smoke and clouds that psychopaths create in the courtroom. From what I have seen, most judges do not appear equipped (nor do they care enough) to filter through the lies and deceit in order to protect these innocent children. Why then do we waste the time and money to go through the court system if these psychopaths are not going to be held to the law and forced to present proven and factual information?
A Media Example:
Just as I was pondering the above analogy, one of my friends posted the following link to her Facebook site.
Two American Kids Shipped to France in One of the Worst Custody Decisions. Ever.
While the term “psychopath” was never used in this article, the point that stuck out for me was how Actress Kelly Rutherford explained that she STILL did not know who her ex husband was. After his U.S. visa was revoked, a judge ordered Kelly Rutherford’s children (American citizens who had been born and raised in the US) to live in France with her ex because he was unable to travel to the US to see them.
Kelly Rutherford likely had the best lawyer money could buy and it didn’t do a bit of good because the lawyer in her case refused to ask the obvious question — “Who ARE you Sir? And why was your U.S. Visa revoked?” The State Department refuses to issue this man a new visa. His lawyer claims that its Rutherford’s fault his visa was revoked. Even if this were possible, which it’s not because a private citizen can’t cause the US Government to deny someone entry, it doesn’t explain away the fact that this man was not required to present to the court how he made his money and who he really was.
Family Courts in America are in crisis.
Thanks Radar_On for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about your son.
It is interesting what you say about how you are trying to “isolate” your overly-romanticized world-view (which you want to keep). I feel similarly. It’s hard because some of the things that make me who I am and some of the things about myself that I was most proud of (my nurturing nature, my ability to love, my trusting nature, compassion, and passion) also set me up to be a very good target.
One of my friends just heard my story for the first time yesterday. He is still in a bit of shock, but he said, “wow…you put up with all that? you really were trying to hold onto that relationship weren’t you!” Hearing it put that way actually hurt because at the time I was really just trying to survive. It didn’t feel like I was working to hold onto the relationship because so much of what I felt was how I was internalizing the abuse and taking personal blame for things I should not have.
Dear C-Queen,
I didn’t read the link you posted to the children being shipped to France, there are things that trigger my anger and rage, and that kind of story is one of them. I am finally telling myself that I cannot read them, I MUST NOT read them.
Your point about the “man who never was” is so valid and what you mentioned about his FAKE tax forms and pay stubs and the judge never questioning them….like the judge saying, “BUT HE’S UNDER OATH so they HAVE TO be real and I have to accept them.”
Ox Drover, I completely understand not wanting to read these articles. I imagine I will eventually have to get to that point because they make me really angry too.
And yes, this whole idea that people automatically tell the truth under oath as if being under oath is some sort of truth serum. What I find interesting is the fact that we caught Luc bold face lying under oath in that we had proof that on another occasion (under oath) he told a completely different story about a particular event. While my lawyer attempted to make the judge understand that he SHOULD NOT believe anything Luc said on the stand as truth (without evidence from a valid source), the judge didn’t seem to care. His attitude was that unless Luc had been convicted….he didn’t care about anything else. He didn’t care about the obviously doctored documents and the bold faced lies he told. To him, this was inconsequential.
We all walked out of the court room and Luc remained “The Man Who Never Was” but the judge went home and likely slept well because he just didn’t care. It wasn’t his child and he made sure that since Luc hadn’t been convicted YET…nobody would look back on his decision and accuse him of being negligent if something ended up happening to my son – or me for that matter.
Afterward, my lawyer said, “well I guess I could have made him feel bad or pushed him by telling him that this could be a case he reads about in the paper if he makes the wrong decision and trusts this man who hasn’t proven to be anything but criminal.” This statement had me screaming at my attorney as I said, “what good is it to tell me this after the fact if you didn’t have the courage to say it in court!”
Family court sometimes feels like this ridiculous place where there is a giant elephant sitting in the middle of the room. The lawyers tap dance around the elephant so not to offend the court with bold statements. The psychopath flat out denies the existence of the elephant and says things like, “that isn’t an elephant…its a special pattern in the floor.” Meanwhile, us folk who actually see the elephant and have the elephant sitting on our head and squashing our freedom…we try and scream out that everyone is nuts who doesn’t see the obvious. Then, at the end of the day…the court makes the decision to ignore the obvious because its easier than addressing the giant elephant in the middle of the room. I hope that made sense. LOL
C-Queen, of course it made sense…that elephant was in my living room, a convicted 3x pedophile and I had proof and his rap sheet and none of my family except my son D would believe a word I said…they believed a man they KNEW had served tiime in prison for a “misunderstanding” the girl said she was 18 but she was 3 days shy of it so he got sent to prison. ELEPHANT!!!!
Dr. Amy Castillo is a pedi doc that told the judge her husband threatened to kill the kids if he gave him unsupervised visit to “get even” with her The judge wouldn’t listen and the FIRST visit the guy killed his kids. At the time Donna and Dr. Leedom published that here on LF I thought this was some sort of a one time thing, but it is ALL OVER THE NEWS parents killing their kids to get back at the ex spouse. It is NOT A ONE TIME THING. I got to where I could not read the stories without wanting to go out and start shooting up some court house. LOL It made me so angry that these children were being so abused not only by the psychopathic parent but by the court’s failure to protect them.
All that said, look at that article about the Afgan dancing boys who are sold by their parents to be dancers and bed partners to rich Muslim men.
But at the same time…how many of those parents had to make the decision to sell one child in order to feed the rest? Sometimes I think there are whole CULTURES and subcultures that are psychopathic in nature.
All that trauma and I can’t do anythiing about it except vote, and believe me I DO vote (for what that is worth) but I think that we should educate others about the existence of these perversions of justice here and abroad.
Good articles and comments C-Queen, glad you are here on LF I think you have a lot of good stuff to share with us…even if I can’t look at some of it. (((hugs))) and God bless.
OxD, I believe that spath/ppath parents are killing their children because they can. There is no acknowledgement that socipathy exists in Family Court – just “desperate” parents and wild-assed stories by a bitter ex-spouse. They DO NOT GET IT, on any level.
Aside from the most horrific outcome, the collateral carnages caused by spaths cannot be adequately calculated. Every level of society is thoroughly damaged by spathic behaviors: businesses, individuals, children, families, credit ratings, employment security, finances, spiritual and religious beliefs….. “The System” just does not get it. Does………..not…………get………..it.
And, the worst part of why they “dont’ get it” is that the system simply doesn’t care. Clear the docket before lunch and get the parties OUT of the courtroom – there’s a 3pm tee off scheduled!
Brightest blessings
OMG,
I finally had the nerve to leave my first love from high school 8 years after on and off abuse. I hung on to that relationship for dear life. Luckily it spawned no children but when I finally tore myself from that relationship and felt as if I severed a limb or limbs doing it and I promised myself just one year of an attempt to live without him as I didn’t understand the abuse or why “I made him so angry”, I said one year and if at the end of that one year I couldn’t live without him, I would crawl back on my hands on and knees. It was the only way I knew how to get out of the clenches that picked up where my family of origin left off. I was healing.
I pulled up to my house where I lived with friends who I’d known for many years and a song was playing. The band was “Boston” and the song was “The man I’ll never be”. I sat in front of that house with that song cranked and cried. I had heard it a multitude of times prior but I heard the lyrics loud and clear and cried.
I still didn’t get. I just knew it was “him”. Part of me probably didn’t want to believe it and another part of me didn’t understand it as I had no concept of “psychopath” or “sociopath” but to this day it was “him”.
I so get it now and it ended up being the father of my child in the future of which I am fighting for my childs life against in family court.
Reading this and the references just brought that all back to me. They know. They always have and they act with intent. They do know what they do contrary to “he knows not what he is doing” statement my mother always said.
WOW!
Thanks for helping that get completely through my thick my skull decades later! lol
Lillian,
Don’t succumb to those thoughts of the ropes and such. I saw myself swan diving off the overpasses of the freeways for the first 2 years of family court and was scared to drive on the freeways. It passed and I never thought it would. I am ok and I am not recovered but I am not there anymore and it is amazing how many times we’ll make the mistakes in this life before the pieces come together but believe me, they can come together late instead of never. I am living proof. When you are in the thick of it, it seems like there’s no surviving it but there is. Food tasted literally like cardboard and I would chew and swallow just to stay alive and so I wouldn’t look too broken in court to care for my child. Somehow somewhere food tastes like food again. I never thought I would survive this. Really. But I have and bit by bit it’s getting better.
Be well and kind to yourself.
Eralyn
Oh one more thing, I stayed away that year and built a life for myself. I had one catastrophe after another, 2 car accidents, hit by a boat but kept going without him and then a huge family of origin came to the forefront 5 years later and I got back together with him. For the next 2 years he gave us his best shot but was still him. Still angry and scary. In the end we broke up. 5 months later he knocked on the door and beat the living heck out of me and I ended up with a knife wound that could’ve killed me. I was a successful business owner and 5 years into counseling but I still had issues.
I survived that attack and then a year later I allowed myself a fling. I had no family during the holidays and it was out of character. He was great looking, younger and I was guarded and up front about no commitment. I became pregnant. (he poked holes in the condom!) He was the worst psychopath/sociopath I had ever even imagined. Made my ex look like a saint. It’s been one heck of a ride and I am tired.
Stick with this website as we all understand and have made mistakes over and over trying to get life right. You did nothing to deserve this except believe in people and they preyed on you. That’s it. Nothing you did as a kid or teen which you have regrets from warranted this horror story.
Nothing. I can give examples of why I fully believe this if you want.
With best regards and the utmost respect,
Eralyn
I can’t thank you all enough for your amazing comments. From those who are still in the fight (like myself) to those who have moved on and are “rebuilt” if you will, you ALL inspire me to back back to who I want to be.
I have been thinking a lot lately about where I have come from and where I am going. After all of the horror that these people cause, there is an element that makes us stronger because of the test. I look at pictures of myself years ago and you can see the naive innocence almost jump out of the picture. That innocence is gone now, but I need to remember that I am still beautiful despite what Luc has taken from me. I may not be as “shiny and new” looking – but now I am wiser and more mature.
It’s been said on this site so many times, but I really think the key to happiness is just living well. Whether you are constantly dodging bullets in family court, living out of a garage and forced to rebuilt financially…or whatever the sociopath tornado did to you…at the end of the day, the best thing we can all do is find our “happy” again and get back to the good parts of who we once were.
I just found this — thanks for posting it. Yes, they lie, lie, lie. And yes, the courts are filled with sociopaths. I would even go so far as to say that much of our court system IS sociopathic. So, since we are swimming in it (like fish swim in water or we are breathing in the air we don’t see nor think about), people do not recognize this!
Until they finally DO. Like us, we got a very rude awakening. So now, we see it. Bless us for our painful experiences. Bless them, that they have not experienced such pain (yet?) to force an awakening.
Well…. I just came across a very interesting website which applies to all this, and it applies to where I am with it all now (some distance from it, some of the time, still processing, still trying to see the whole thing with absolute clarity and Truth). So for anyone who is interested, check it out and start at the beginning, with info about the different belief systems we are all caught up in at one level or another:
whatonearthishappening dot com (dont’ know if I can post an actual link here or not — just type it in).
It is the introduction which I am hoping to draw your attention to. It is about some of the things which lead to sociopathy and victimization, and a way out of it. As it goes farther, the other stuff on the website is up to you. The first part is really good and applicable to our experiences.
It is my experience with sociopaths which has led me to this (mental, emotional, spiritual) place I’m in now.
Lillian… my heart goes out to you. What a tough place you are in. I think you can do it and hang on. I don’t know how old your teenagers are, but you are right to fight for their stability and their relationship with you, their mom. You seem very brave — you have made it this far. Keep going. The love between you and your kids is what matters most.
cappuccinoqueen… you are right, there is such a beauty in innocence. But there is a different sort of beauty in wisdom. I see the innocent beauty like a butterfly, and the wisdom-beauty as a deeply-rooted tree that is allowed to unfurl to its greatest potential.
My divorce and custody fight went on for years, with the spath ex continually claiming that I was victimizing him. EX: He hadn’t paid any child support for five solid years, but it was MY fault because I hadn’t given him my new address. When I told the judge that I had a file folder containing the greeting cards he had sent to the children during the five year period, PROVING that he HAD known the children’s address, he went off on a rant saying that the fact that I had the cards PROVED that I had been intercepting his letters to his children.
Every time I said ANYTHING in court, he twisted it to make me look terrible, and even when I was represented by an attorney, the attorney couldn’t keep up with the endless stream of false accusations. The bottom line is that men who seek custody are always given the benefit of the doubt. A woman who wants custody is ordinary, but a man who wants custody is a super-duper involved daddy!
The court will NEVER take enough time with the case to figure out which parent is telling a believable story, and which one isn’t.
By the way, I watched “The Man Who Never Was” on Netflix a few days ago, and it is a very good movie. The book is excellent, too.