Since the last round of my “Custody War” with Luc (my ex psychopath), I have thought a lot about the flaws in our legal system. I run the events of the trials (“battles”) over and over in my head. I still can’t understand how such a disordered man like my ex can be allowed to have unsupervised access to a child. I know it is not healthy to think about it so much, but I can’t help it when the thoughts creep into my head. I keep trying to put my finger on why this process left me so incredibly disturbed.
Even after hearing disturbing testimony from several of Luc’s previous victims (who graciously agreed to testify against Luc during my Custody War), I couldn’t shake this feeling that I was looking at an empty human-like shell that slightly resembled the man I thought I loved.
The Analogy
During the opening and closing statements of my Custody War with Luc, my attorney described Luc as “The Man Who Never Was”. As I am a child of the 80’s, I didn’t understand the reference my lawyer was making at first. He explained to me that he had taken this phrase from the title of a 1956 film that was based on World War II. In summary, the film was about “Operation Mincemeat”, which was a 1943 British Intelligence plan to deceive the Axis powers into thinking Operation Husky, the Allied Invasion of Sicily, would take place elsewhere.
(Stick with me here, I promise that this has relevance for even those non-history buffs.)
As part of this attempt to deceive the Axis powers, the operation involved dressing up a human cadaver and creating a fictitious story around a man who didn’t really exist. This whole thing was an attempt to manipulate the opposition. Unfortunately for me (and my son), I believe this analogy may have gone completely over the judge’s head. In the past few weeks, however, I have thought more and more about this analogy and I think it may resonate with many who have been in similar situations with psychopaths.
The Plot:
Though Luc is most certainly “the evil” in this scenario, his deception against me was like his very own version of “Operation Mincemeat”. His objective was money. He had run through his previous victim and needed a new income source. He would find his target, listen to her hopes and dreams, and create the story for his “cadaver” based on her version of Prince Charming.
My Conclusions:
Family Court can be incredibly intrusive. Many people (who aren’t dealing with psychopath ex’s) likely decide to settle out of court so that they can save themselves the expense and the relentless exposure of their personal lives. That being said, this “exposure” only really applies if you are playing by the rules. For example, I provided the court copies of my taxes, bank statements, pay stubs, property information, and a complete history of my education and family background.
Luc, on the other hand, remained “The Man who Never Was” throughout the entire trial. His lies seemed to evolve and morph as time went on to further prove that not only was he “The Man who Never Was” to the court, I wasn’t even sure if HE knew who he was by the end. He presented clearly fake tax statement and pay stubs for a job he has never held. The court, however, accepted these documents as truth and never questioned how a man got to be middle aged without ever having a legitimate job.
The reality of Family Court is ugly. It takes a special person to be able to see through the smoke and clouds that psychopaths create in the courtroom. From what I have seen, most judges do not appear equipped (nor do they care enough) to filter through the lies and deceit in order to protect these innocent children. Why then do we waste the time and money to go through the court system if these psychopaths are not going to be held to the law and forced to present proven and factual information?
A Media Example:
Just as I was pondering the above analogy, one of my friends posted the following link to her Facebook site.
Two American Kids Shipped to France in One of the Worst Custody Decisions. Ever.
While the term “psychopath” was never used in this article, the point that stuck out for me was how Actress Kelly Rutherford explained that she STILL did not know who her ex husband was. After his U.S. visa was revoked, a judge ordered Kelly Rutherford’s children (American citizens who had been born and raised in the US) to live in France with her ex because he was unable to travel to the US to see them.
Kelly Rutherford likely had the best lawyer money could buy and it didn’t do a bit of good because the lawyer in her case refused to ask the obvious question — “Who ARE you Sir? And why was your U.S. Visa revoked?” The State Department refuses to issue this man a new visa. His lawyer claims that its Rutherford’s fault his visa was revoked. Even if this were possible, which it’s not because a private citizen can’t cause the US Government to deny someone entry, it doesn’t explain away the fact that this man was not required to present to the court how he made his money and who he really was.
Family Courts in America are in crisis.
http://www.patriotledger.com/news/cops_and_courts/x1526495302/Judge-orders-sex-change-for-Mass-murder-convict
I was looking for a spot to post this under ‘stupid judges’ Here is a man who murdered his wife who now has been granted a sex change operation by a stupid judge.
The womans family is reeling…and their(and mine) taxes are going to pay for his sex change….arrrgghhhh
Thanks for listening.
Cappuccino Queen – the link you included in your story is absolutely unbelievable. That judge made the most idiotic decision ever. Even the rich and famous can’t win in family court.
Yes! That is exactly my point. I don’t understand how the judge overlooked this woman’s obvious accomplishments and abilities to take care of her children. The fact that the judge sent them overseas before anyone really understood why it was that he was expelled from the US blows my mind!
So many of these people get away with giving ridiculous explanations for their bad behavior and the court just accepts them. I couldn’t believe that his lawyer was allowed to blame Rutherford for unilaterally revoking his visa (last I checked she didn’t work for the state department). His bad behavior and all around shady character was thrown onto her!
In my custody case, the judge told Luc he was “deplorable” and then turned around and questioned my character because I “chose” him. It’s interesting how often the terrible behavior of one parent can work against the healthy parent.
Ana, thanks for sharing your link. Yes, this most certainly is appalling. I don’t even understand this…
CappuccinoQueen, I used to believe that our Justice System approached all issues with an open mind and a fair decision. At my age, I’ve finally come to the painful conclusion that it is merely a circus, of sorts. Even Criminal courts are circus events.
Nobody is prepapred for the realities of Family Court – nobody. There is nothing “fair” or even “reasonable” when a socipath is involved in Family Court issues of divorce and/or custody/visitation. It’s all about getting them in and getting them out.
I just posted this truth on another thread with regard to repeating the events of the last year, over and over, to agencies for temporary assistance. Judges, like agency employees, are simply not interested in any facts or truths. They just want parties out of their courtroom in time for lunch. The “best interests” of children are never, to my knowledge, taken into consideration because there is the horribly mistaken belief that a child needs BOTH of their parents, even if one is depraved, dishonest, murderous, criminal, and “disordered.”
Donna, you are right: even the rich and famous can’t win in family court. And, that fact speaks volumes.
Brightest blessings
Good Morning,
CappuccinoQueen, I will pray for peace for you and your child.
This statement you make shows very clearly that judges, folks in general have no perception of the M. O. of Pathologicals in terms of the process of their deception with regard to their victims, and in turn why we so easily fall for and fall in “love” with them. Our “choice” to be involved with them was based on their fraudulent love bombing and deceitful tactics.
In reference to your statement;
“In my custody case, the judge told Luc he was “deplorable” and then turned around and questioned my character because I “chose” him. It’s interesting how often the terrible behavior of one parent can work against the healthy parent”.
Best wishes to you ~
Shane
Hi it’s me Lillian, oh boy this is one E Ticket Rollercoaster ride of what is now going on beyond a decade. Somebody get me the seasick pills please. The house was foreclosed & I had to be out by July 16th. I rented a garage. Yes. Who else here has the ability to open one whole wall of their home I ask? It took 4 very long days & six people to move me from my 4,000 sq ft4 bedroom 3 bath home to my 1500 ft garage with a ½ bath.
We started on Day 1 unfortunately about 5:00 pm & worked late. There were 4-5 teenagers & 3 adults. I hadnt even begun to bring myself to packing.
On Day 2 the garage sale day I woke vomiting. it was the garage sale where no one came because my daughter had not as I asked put the sale signs about town. we moved in the afternoon until mid evening 3 adults that day with me vomiting on & off. by midnight i had the worst head cold i’d had in years. in fact i hadn’t had a cold in years.
I woke the next morning Day 3 or so I thought hearing my girlfriend packing in the kitchen thinking at 9:00 am I got up said hello got cleaned up & realized she & her husband had been there sine 9:00 but it was NOON now & they had just let me sleep. I was terribly ill with my cold but I was horrified. There were only 3 of us & we quit early. Work for them on Monday & I was so sick.
Day 4 I called in the teens & again 4-5 of & 2 adults slaving away from 9:00 am to 2:00 am until we were done we had to be out & we did it somehow. I slept the next entire day & people were worried about me cuz I had disappeared. Boxes boxes boxes boxes & furniture took every square inch of space you could not walk & had to climb over things. I thought this would take a week. It’s been 7 weeks I’m still not done & at 4 weeks I had spinal chord surgery – scheduling thinking I’d be long done with unpacking.
My first day back to my 1500 square ft garage after surgery my ex husband had filed & slid the order for for 100% child custody since I was living in unfit conditions. This is a man I paid $3,000 a month for 8 years & has not paid me any child support whatsoever since I’ve been unemployed.
Status ten years after our divorce & five years after the boyfriend spath left: In debt to credit cards $60K, my family $50K, IRS $30K, other friends $10K. My house foreclosed, my bank account attached, unemployed again. not speaking to my parents because they are mad at me for my situation & think I should give my kids up. There’s a lot of rope around from the move & very very high ceilings & I think about hanging myself a lot. I do wonder why me. I feel like I must have done something to deserve all this. I just played a very high stakes game of chutes & ladders & got to the very very end space right before you win & slid back to start. It just keeps coming & coming.
I managed to get rid of almost half of my things but was able to divide the garage up with a small entry & living/sitting space, a small bedroom area with the big desk/bunkbed style beds, a kitchen (no kitchen sink) but i have a refrigerator & a convection/microwave oven. A den / dining area for hanging out & eating right across from the kitchen, a bedroom for me divided by a huge shelf & curtains. I put an oversized utility sink in the bathroom which works fine for washing hair, washing up by just putting a towel down & for doing dishes as it’s right next to the kitchen. I’ve TV & Internet & the TV swivels so you can watch it from the den area or my room. The areas are mostly divided up by large shelves, venetian blinds, curtains & artwork. The bathroom is private & has a door, walls & ceiling. A family friend allows me to do my laundry & calls the spare room mine. Our kids have known them since they were born & our daughters are best friends. We are welcome to stay there & shower any time or all the time. I put the garage space together so my kids who are teens & only have a few years left before they go off into the world & I would have a place to be together. My ex wants to take them away.
I will not have a lawyer for this custody battle nor for the bankruptcy I have got to claim but I’m going to try. The hanging isn’t an option because i couldn’t do that to my kids. But I am still consumed by the most amazing anger. It is my fear of prison that keeps the ex & the spath safe from my wrath. In order of fears prison is worse than suicide so I wouldn’t do either to my children. Who may not be living with me & will be gone into the world in the next couple of years. & I wonder”.
”.. why I make the same mistakes, it seems i never learn. always give way too much for little in return. i haven’t changed a bit I’m still not over it. my friends think i’m a drag, i wanna stay up late, i walk the streets alone, thinking of things til dawn, i make the same mistakes—.
Lillian,
Thank you for sharing such a painful situation. I can certainly understand your anger. Right now, that is the hardest part. Trying to pick up the pieces of the financial and emotional ruin these people cause….all the while dealing with the extreme anger you are left to face. Stay strong! One of my favorite quotes is from Nelson Mandela. He said, “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, its from rising every time you fall.”
All of us who “fell” for a psychopath have fallen. It is now time for that “greatest glory” – rising back up after such a fall.
Lillian, I am so sorry to hear of your situation – I truly am. I was in a similar situation, but at least I had a room with a bathroom separate from the landlords.
Spaths exercise limitless audacity, and it’s a form of emotional terrorism, as far as I’m concerned. It’s a constant climate of anxiety over court appearances, hearings, and disappointments. And, they “act” like such victims that they are actually convincing!
I will keep you in my most positive thoughts, Lillian – you , and your children. You’ve come this far with courage, determination, and dignity.
This may help, to some degree. I was in class, once, and my instructor was doing a demonstration and she had just done that same demonstration a couple of weeks earlier (or, so). Of course, I opened my mouth and asked why she was repeating the demonstration….a hush fell over the class and I realized that I had made a faux pas of the worst kind. She stopped what she was doing and replied that people generally need to see or hear something no less than 6 times before it sinks in. Okie dokie….class continued and life went on. I recently saw a statistic for domestic violence/abuse that stated that most abuse victims keep going back a total of 6 times before they never return to their abusers. When I read that, the faux pas came flooding back and I had one of those moments of clarity.
And, you’re allowed to feel the anger, Lillian – you are. You “should” feel angry! But, feel it and move on from it or it can become an absolute obsession. Anger is tremendous energy and it can be channeled into something positive. I’m getting there, myself, but it’s sure tempting to direct my anger at the exspath. I remind myself that the exspath never cared when I was angry, before – why would he care, now?
Brightest blessings to you, Lillian
Dear Lillian, Much admiration to you and your children in a most difficult situation! I know it is hard! I’ve been in some similar situations with my children back when they were younger, and was married to their dead-beat “sperm-donor”. You said something that struck a chord, you said: ” why I make the same mistakes, it seems i never learn. always give way too much for little in return. i haven’t changed a bit I’m still not over it. my friends think i’m a drag, i wanna stay up late, i walk the streets alone, thinking of things til dawn, i make the same mistakes… I to have asked myself those same questions. This is my 3rd marriage, and the spath was/is the worst one of all! I ran across an article that is really helping me……(excerpt of article)— Abused women make up a significant proportion of any community. And it tends to be their gentler, more feminine qualities that put them at risk. By acquiring self-awareness and learning to ring-fence their frailties with strong boundaries, they can safeguard their specialness. At the same time they can protect themselves from further abuse.” So what are the characteristics that set an abused woman apart?
� She’s a naive romantic. She believes that love, her love will conquer all. It takes her the longest time to learn that love doesn’t excuse her partner from being accountable for his actions.
� She doesn’t know when to give up and walk away.
� She is a natural at guilt, apologies and shouldering the blame for whatever goes wrong.
� She takes responsibility for anything and everything. Hence my concern that writing an article aimed at revealing the specific characteristics of abused women might benefit predatory men.
� She doesn’t believe that she is good enough. Her low self-worth, progressively lowered in an abusive relationship, means that however imperfect her man is, she still feels inferior to him. She sees him as compensating for her own inadequacies.
� Her ’no’ lacks authority. In other words, she is easily bullied and put upon. She may sound strong-minded, but her wants, needs and reasons never carry the same weight for her as those of her partner.
� She has little or no idea of boundaries. She has little instinct for self-protection or self-preservation. Her best ’strategy’ is often to hope that others will do right by her. (This strategy causes frequent, painful disappointment.)
� She believes in gender stereotypes. Men are the strong, powerful ones. Women can’t manage on their own. Women need a man to complete them and to manage the challenging areas of life.
� She’s really into rescue. A generous soul, she may well yearn for a rescuer, but she can’t resist running to the rescue of anyone in distress. (This is often part of what attracts her to an abusive partner.) She’s slow to learn that the people she rescues are more likely to turn aggressive than to show gratitude and loyalty in the long term.
� She believes that she is entitled to far less from life than other people. Other people have rights, she only has wishes that she believes are probably unreasonable.
� She’s a generous, long-suffering person. A poster…FortuneCookieDad said in a post:I believe that I was mourning not so much the death of a relationship, or even the acknowledgement of allowing myself to be abused and marginalized for two decades, but more so the potential death of my entire worldview that people are innately good; that “happily ever after” is possible; that a soul-mate exists for me; that true love (a la Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly in “High Society”) is desirable and happens for people in real life.
Like so many others here, (everyone?) I am now trying to isolate the part of “me” that lies at the heart of my prior overly-romanticized world-view (but which I want to KEEP). Then, I will work on a way to protect that essential “me” and raise it again in the “real world” which is more hostile than I imagined, but in which I must live. I was just WOWed by that! Thank you for sharing your painful situation here with us. Wishing you the very best, strength and endurance to rise up and stand strong!
Dear cappuccinoqueen, Much admiration to you also! Your analogy and plot in your post left me breathless!!! YES!!! Operation Mincemeat! Just OMG! Can I ever relate! Those of you (both genders) who are dealing with these types of monsters…and situations, who still have children to care for, my utmost admiration goes out to each of you!!! All four of my children are grown now, with their own lives, however I have grandchildren that concern me now. But I do remember all of those years and the things we went through, very vivdly…and most of those years are riddled with grief and pain. Fortunately, 3 of my 4 children are doing alright. Unfortunately, my only son….well, lets just say he grew up, and ended up much like his “father”. Appreciate your post cappuccinoqueen, and do hope the best for you and your son!