Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.”
According to my counseling therapist, I became involved with sociopaths as a result of their motivations and their abilities to note my strengths and vulnerabilities. My vulnerabilities were formed during my childhood and manifested as a crippling condition termed, “shame core.”
This core was based upon my experiences in a dysfunctional family environment of alcoholism. For whatever reasons, I believed that I was responsible for the happiness and well-being of everyone, and I mean everyone. This false sense of responsibility prepared me for a lifetime of fear-based decisions and choices that included marrying two sociopaths in a row.
Fear is a visceral response to threat or danger. When a child feels that they are “in danger” of being cold, unloved, hungry, and dirty, the response is to do whatever they can to avoid being cold, unloved, hungry, or dirty. If a child feels “threatened” with abandonment, dismissal, humiliation, abuse, molestation, hunger, or any other negative situation, that child will do whatever they can to avoid the threats.
Childhood threats real or imagined
For me, these fears were based upon experiences that were, at the time, facts. I was neglected, dismissed, unfed, unwashed, verbally and emotionally abused, abandoned, and humiliated on a constant basis. The humiliation of being neglected fed the Abandonment Monkey. The Abandonment Monkey would then pull the tail of the Un-Love-Able Monkey who would, in turn, scream at the Humiliation Monkey. Once this cycle begins for a child, it becomes a living, breathing part of their persona unless strong steps are taken to alter the child’s core beliefs of themselves.
How that fear translated into my core beliefs of myself were that I was abandoned, humiliated, unfed, and dismissed because something that I had done (or, failed to do). That meant that I was unworthy of love, undeserving of nutrition, and that I was, in essence, a waste of human tissue.
Adult threats real or imagined
As I moved into adulthood, these core issues and beliefs became the driving force behind nearly every decision and choice that I made. From partners to college courses, my fears of abandonment and feeling unworthy caused me to make some very tragic choices. In the case of the first abusive spath spouse, I was targeted and responded to the typical spath love bombing and empty promises because the sociopath was himself a tragic figure. His childhood story was appallingly sad and he was always beneath some mystical black cloud that I believed that I could help him to escape. If I demonstrated how much I loved and believed in this tragic man, he would, in turn, love me back and never leave me because I had proven my value to him by sacrificing for him. Well, of course, this course of decision-making was catastrophic on every level for me, and the children produced from this union.
The Self Destruction Exhibit
My fears of abandonment, ridicule, and the rest are what fueled all of the monkeys in the Self Destruction Exhibit, and I remained in an environment of violent abuse because of those fears. I wasn’t worthy of a strong and healthy relationship, nor was I deserving of educating myself and discovering my own independence. The monkeys kept me tied to a co-dependency that nearly drove me to suicide.
There seemed no other way out for me. I couldn’t take care of myself because I had been caring for everyone else throughout my lifetime. Whether it was a violent husband or sick children, I took my own needs entirely off of the stove and honestly believed that this was how it was supposed to be. I honestly believed that martyring myself would, someday, result in a Supreme Reward, and it never happened.
The second marriage was fear-based, as well. I hadn’t recovered from my first disaster and I was targeted by a non-violent sociopath and bought the illusion completely.
Perceived and true threats
What I have learned about my fear-based thinking is that it can truly be rewired. I don’t have to be afraid of things that are not true threats or actual dangers. What are the present threats that I’m facing today? What identifiable dangers must I avoid today? What I might “feel” is a threat, typically isn’t, and the same is true with perceived danger.
Perceived threats / dangers:
- Being alone means that I do not meet anyone else’s approval
- If I don’t tolerate bad behaviors, people won’t like me
- If I don’t give someone the benefit of the doubt, then I’m a bad person and unworthy of love
- If I don’t give someone a second chance, then I will be abandoned and alone
True threats / dangers
- Drunk drivers colliding with my vehicle
- Lightning strikes nearby
- Floods and acts of Nature
- Random acts of human violence
The point is that what my mind created is what disabled me to the point where I refused to construct and maintain strong boundaries. I was afraid to call a spade what it was because, if someone didn’t like the truth, then they wouldn’t like me. If they didn’t like me, then I wasn’t worthy or deserving of approval toss the monkeys some more bananas and the cycle would continue. The point is that, today, it’s not so much that I no longer “care” about acceptance, approval, love, or worthiness, but that I can provide those things to myself under my own power.
If someone violates my boundaries and says or does something that is unacceptable, am I really going to continue tolerating being treated poorly out of fear that this person isn’t going to like me? Why would I even seek the approval of someone who doesn’t really care about how their actions or words make me feel? That doesn’t mean that I’m impervious to the attempts of others to force their agendas upon me that will be a constant for the rest of my life because I finally accept that there are simply bad people out there who have an agenda with everyone, not just me. But, in order for me to avoid being exploited by another sociopath, I am mandated to draw that line in the sand and, regardless of who it might be, if that line is crossed, then the association is finished.
Rewired fear-based thinking
Fear-based thinking was rewired when I finally accepted facts as they are. “Acceptance” does not mean that I am obligated to “like” the facts, by any stretch of the imagination. I often do not like the facts, one iota. It is dreadful and grievous that some things are true. It’s dreadful that there are individuals who do not have a conscience and are incapable of feeling remorse for harming others. I don’t “like” this fact, but it’s undeniable. It is appalling that people produce offspring and have no intention of raising and caring for those offspring with love, nurturing, and boundaries. I don’t “like” this fact, either, but it is indisputable.
Acceptance, approval and love — for me
Accepting facts allows for me to approach any given situation with an objective eye. Rather than running on fear, I’m beginning to experience the liberation and supremely positive benefits that boundaries provide. I finally realize and “feel” that I am not responsible for the happiness, well-being, or success of any other human being on this planet. And, I won’t accept that responsibility ever again because I like myself, I accept myself, I approve of myself, and I love myself.
Of course, the previous statement does not mean that I travel with this backpack of healthy “Self-isms” on a continuous basis. To be sure, I have set that bagful of power down, from time to time, and experienced the reanimation of fear-based thinking. But, when I recognize that I’ve done this, I look back on my Healing Path to see where I left it and go right back and pick it back up.
Grateful for everything — including my sociopathic experiences
There are too many authentic fears and threats in life without my core issues creating ones that are not based upon facts. My perceptions are constantly evolving and becoming based more and more upon facts. So, the monkeys in the Self-Destruction Exhibit are starving, and they want to scream for sustenance, but they’re slowly beginning to lose their energy. For this, I am grateful and, as odd as it may sound, that gratitude extends to my spath experiences.
Had I not experienced the painful betrayals and subsequent carnages, I would not be at this point today. I would still be making fear-based choices and decisions, and I would still be the whipping post of every disordered individual that I came into contact with. Today, my sense of gratitude is colossal and I am understanding that all things happen for “A Reason.”
Adelade, a MOST EXCELLENT ARTICLE! I can so much relate to being “responsible” for everyone else’s happiness, and putting up with bad behavior so that others would like me. Well, I no longer suffer fools gladly or abusive people at all.
Thank you very much for sharing this article. God bless.
One of my BIGGEST lessons in all this is something that another taught me:
NO ONE is ENTITLED to do the carp to others.
I learned I was NOT responsible for someone else’s FEELINGS, that I didn’t have to tip toe b/c someone screamed VICTIM.
I AM responsible for the consequences of my behavior, but then again for those awful moments of messing up, DECENT people allow for remorse and contrition. After all, it’s called REDEMPTION.
It was SUCH a trap being caught and blamed for not GUESSING all the possibilities of someone else’s FEELINGS and being BLAMED for guessing WRONG!!!
FREEDOM!!! It’s about seeking EMOTIONAL health!
What a wonderful article! I must add, that’s the way to distinguish yourself off from others. What is yours and what belongs to them. Meaning pushing back what’s not yours. When you take responsibility for someone else (because that’s what we do when we are fear driven) , it’s easily mistaken that their problems are your problems disabling others from their own responsibility for their own actions. In that, you loose your self because you’re so bizzy caring for others than your self. Also, disable your own fears and taking responsibility for your own line of thoughts means that a spath will never ever have control over you because fear is what they prey upon. Fear is what keeps one bound with them in most occations.
I’ve recently learned that once you’re no longer fear bound in toxic relationships, have taken back your own control over your self (your boundaries, what you like/want and do not like/want and you know who you really are) they become very small when they realize they no longer have no control over you. They become hysterical, playing their victim mode to reel you in. When that no longer works… you are free.
I’ve just seen how that works when I met a former (toxic) friend recently. When I understood the game she was playing I realized I had a choice and I chose to walk out on that friendship, my integrity grew in a way I have never experienced before. The sense of achievement grew on me and I understood what it means to love my self. I did not mourn the friendship, what could have been and it felt very strange. However, why mourn over something that’s toxic? I desverve better and I can walk out with my head held high.
A little piece of my past life:
When my daughter was in grade school, a new girl came to town and joined the class. I saw that little girl waling alone and I knew IMMEDIATELY what her life was going to be like at school. I took my daughter aside and told her, “you don’t have to be friends with her, but you don’t have the right to make her life more miserable than it already is and I’d better never see you pick on her.”
Whether I put the fear of God in her or whether my words made her step back and look with different eyes, my daughter heeded my warning and she actually ended up befriending that girl, the only friend that girl had until her parents put her in a school in the neighboring town.
You see, in our little town conformity was key. And that little girl didn’t have the clothes or the family to fit the conformity. It was a few years later when my daughter mentioned why she ended up being her friend, she said mom, “she turned out to be really smart and funny and I liked her”. But she was Never accepted in our little town b/c she didn’t have the social skills necessary to fit in. She, like me, was raised isolated and with thugs for siblings. She grew up tall and slender and yes, she became a model for a few years. But she never forgot the friendship of my daughter and hanging out at our house. And she NEVER turned into the kind of person who said, “I’m a victim and entitled to treat others badly.”
Instead, she looked for people who were like her, people with good hearts who cared and gave. She came back to our area, went to university, got her degree in chemistry and became a lab rat. Nothing exciting, but WONDERFUL b/c she is NORMAL, she LOVES, and she has a family of her own. There was NOTHING wrong with her morals, nothing wrong with her heart. She just lacked social skills and she needed time to figure it out.
It’s a life lesson. We are abused by spaths. TERRIBLE things were done to us. BUT…. we are NOT then entitled to be mean to others. How many of us ASSUMED that someone was our enemy b/c they FAILED to understand our pain? FAILED to give us what we needed? Like we were entitled and THEY were SUPPOSED to fix our NEED?
I LOVE This article! WE MUST NOT ALLOW SPATHS TO ABUSE US!! And then… WE are NOT ENTITLED to do to others what SPATHS DID TO US!!! NOTHING entitles us to demand that someone suck up and give us what the spath didn’t. What we need to do is GIVE IT TO OURSELVES, and Then, GIVE TO OTHERS, Treat others with what we did not get from the spath: Kindness, compassion, understanding. Only then are we on the other side of the tunnel, reconnected to our humanity and moving in to the light.
I saw it in an article today. “the beatings will continue until moral improves.” YES! STOP the beatings. Don’t give ANY power to SPATHS.
RE-Claim your dignity. And then go be the person who doesn’t do that CARP to others. B/c being a victim of an spath does NOT ENTITLE ANYONE to harm another. FEAR is NOT AN EXCUSE.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I heard my mother-in-law and my brother in law tell me that my former spouse (their son/bro) was mistreated by his deceased father. I had never met the father as I came into monsters life after he had already died. And yes, apparently since he was a victim of his father’s mistreatment all these years he felt entitled to mistreat and bully others – However especially just me in private but not in public Since that would ruin his image as a great guy. By the time I started really pushing back, standing up for myself, it was a little late to start developing firm boundary lines. He was particularly worse after we bore three children since my devotion to being a great mother made me more vulnerable and weak in his eyes. I definitely wanted his approval in the worst way. I worked exhaustively hard at being a better person thinking that he would like me. Only when it became so painful, was I ready to give up the intact family I had created. Monster clearly ruled me by fear. I was so afraid to make him mad I was so afraid to see him rage, thus I was responsible for keeping him happy. What a revelation that he is responsible for his own happiness. All the while I felt responsible for my happiness, his, and his mother’s. I was carrying quite a big load.
At one point the article mentions feeling dismissed. Monster was extremely skilled at dismissing me. When I would call him out on something that didn’t add up he would simply change the subject or quietly go off and do something else, making it seem petty of me to pursue- but that is how a Spath rolls.
Thank you Adelaide for this wonderful article that carries so much truth and wisdom.
HonestKindGiver
That was my family legacy too, and I saw it over and over. That b/c they were harmed, they felt entitled to get back at others. But sometimes people are just clumsy or thoughtless. They need us to assert boundries. They need to explain themselves. But we are NOT entitled to abuse willy nilly just b/c someone triggered abuse feelings in us.
My mother was not kind to me. Once I became an adult, I did not let her abuse me anymore but I also did not “get back at her”. I reasoned that it was NOT MY PLACE to make her life more miserable than it already was.
I taught my daughter that same lesson. That she was NOT to let anyone harm her, but SHE was NEVER to make others lives more miserable.
It’s one way I connect to my humanity. Not perfectly, but it is what I strive for, and when I make a mistake, it’s the horse I get back on to, Connecting with my humanity by treated others with DIGNITY as opposed to what my spath did, what he FELT ENTITLED to do.
My mantra became “NOT LIKE THEM”. It means more than to not allow harm to me, it ALSO means I am not entitled to harm others. I am determined to stop the family legacy.
Best, Katy
KatyDid, what a beautiful thing you did for your daughter, and that little girl! That befriending just may have saved her life, in a way. I always had a hard time fitting in as well. Dysfunctional family, i was a chubby, 4-eyed nerd, that was one of those little ones that was always picked on, and was always picked last on a kick-ball team. And to this day, at 52 yrs old, i feel most at ease, being alone. This is another great article!
Really good article; and put a new perspective that I hadnt really identified before…had never thought about it in this manner. Abandonment issues are abundant with me and it was only recently that I realized that yes, I have been abandoned many times (as a child, teen, in my 20s, 30s, 40s… some in nightmarish ways others just horrifying) but ya know what … Im still alive. Disappointments will happen but when I let go of ‘looking’ to live in fear I actually ‘live’ life. Lovefraud has been essential in helping me identify potential spath encounters, and Ive been able to extract myself and gain safety, so Im very thankful.
Great article Adelade!The monkey analogy does help one visualize the evil that is taking place!And the fear does start in childhood.
My thinking has had to be ‘rewired’ too.I always felt responsible for making people feel better and happier.Thus,I fell right into the target of the spath!And he used that thinking against me ‘to the max’…to the point of even making me guess what he needed;what would make him happy-I felt tortured!But now,I feel really free,as I realize that his problems belong to him and him only….now I take care of myself!Of course,I remain a compassionate person towards deserving people.
Adelade, this article is awesome and really spoke to me about my own fear based decision making. It could not have been timlier for me. I realized I was embarking on a new “friendship” with a complete a-hole based ob my need to feel accepted and approved of. This guy has no approval/acceptance to give. I was, of course, assuming something was wrong with me until yesterday when he behaved egregiously bad toward my two year old daughter, and when I confronted his inappropriate bevahior and let him know I was angry, not only was he completely remorseless, he blamed me for not being able to take a joke. This was so reminiscent of my spathy ex. Your words about boundaries and drawing the line in the sand were so helpful to me. I was actually at the a-holes house yesterday when I read your article and decided i, too, can make those decisions for myself and end an association at any point. This guy is actually a member of my reserve unit, and might feel awkward, but I will only deal with him if I absolutey have to and only regarding professional matters. I went to his church twice, which was an excellent place. Im wondering if I should alert the female pastor of the three that he was inappropriate toward my child. Im afraid of not being believed or trivialized, but I also belive its worth that risk if ut might potentially protect cgildren. Its up to them to belueve me or not. Ive only been there twice. Hes been there for years and sees ti have his nuce guy persona down pat! I see that I have grown in that I spotted the red flags in a matter of weeks this time, not years!