Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “lostgirl.”
I fell hopelessly in love with (read as I would have given him my real heart and died for him) a sociopath/psychopath.
Skip the details.
I am four years divorced.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t grieve the loss of the relationship I thought I had. I cognitively know that the person I married was not who I thought he was and I even believe I know how he came to be. Unfortunately, I have never felt anger, only sadness for what I viewed as the person he could have been that was taken from him long ago. I see him as an addict and myself as having been addicted to him.
Somehow, now, I still cannot move on. I have been through many short relationships, all ended well for me and usually I ended the relationship when I noticed red flags, the ones I kept close at heart. Again, I am in a new relationship and experiencing all the anxiety all over again (each new relationship triggers this). Including nightmares of the ex-sociopath and agonizing over how to know when someone is genuine. Good words are empty and promises of future fall on my deaf ears because I was disheartened so gravely before.
I have become cold and detached. I feel less emotion for every single thing in my life than at any time ever. All things I own, animals, family, I feel as though I am in a stage of suspended life, I cannot bond. I take care of my animals, I take care of my parents, nothing I own feels as if it’s mine, only borrowed, including relationships. I feel fake and alone.
I truly liked the person I met that I am in a relationship with now, but as with all the others after a short time (three months), I begin to feel less and look critically at their words and life as if I am subconsciously talking myself out of taking the risk of succeeding because of the pool of “thought I had’s” that live inside my head.
I know that a good relationship takes time to grow. How can I give myself the time to grow a relationship when I am so busy still flashing back to a relationship that was agony? He compliments me and I toss it aside. He talks about his life and experiences and I’m trying to assemble timeframes in my head to make sure he isn’t lying to me. It’s as if I’m trying to analyze my way in to a sincere relationship by slicing and dicing all the input/information I’m given. In the meantime I’ve dehumanized the relationship in my head and nearly severed any chance at bonding.
I have read post after post from people and articles all over the internet. What I haven’t found is any truly helpful advice for someone like me.
I fear I have lost the ability to connect permanently because I cannot logically define what is not deceitful at the moment it occurs. What is unselfish, I look for selfishness in. All good is lost because I have become obsessed with what is wrong with what is right.
How do I get back to identifying reality and trusting when it is proper? I feel that my mind was raped and I have lost the ability to connect on any level with anyone. I feel like a shell and I can see through everyone in my life, it would be so easy to be just like him (the ex) but I am not driven to “want” like he did. I see the holes in people and it is so easy for me to identify what is exploitable.
I hate this person I’ve become. I want to climb out of the shell and return to who I was before I fell in “love.”
Help I’m lost.
Realm of Numb
A very wise spiritual counselor once said that unresolved anger becomes rage, and unresolved rage becomes numbness. I think that’s what has happened to Lostgirl—she has moved into the Realm of Numb.
She was so in love with the sociopath that she would have died for him. In effect, that is what she did. Her life spark is gone. She no longer finds joy in her family and animals. She looks for deception in new relationships. She no longer trusts herself to know when she can trust another human being.
The Realm of Numb isn’t a place of pain. It’s a place of emptiness, of nothingness, of void. And it’s a place where none of us should be.
But how do we escape? How do we leave behind the feeling of fakeness, and recover the feeling of authenticity?
Search for meaning
One of the books that Lovefraud recommends to everyone who has experienced the trauma of a sociopath is The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the circumstances that can cause us to form traumatic bonds with an abuser, and provides exercises to help readers unravel those bonds.
When I read the book, I highlighted only one sentence that Carnes wrote, and this is it:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
This is the key. This is how we truly recover. There is always meaning in what has happened to us, although it can be difficult to find. In fact, that’s what makes the destructive relationships with sociopaths so excruciatingly painful—we can’t figure out why they happened. We did nothing to deserve the betrayal. Our intentions were honorable. So why did this happen to us?
Answers in the past
For many of us, the answer lies in our past. If we’ve experienced an abusive relationship, and were not able to recover, we are primed for another abusive relationship. The problem is even more insidious if we were abused as children, because our whole idea of what is “normal” in a relationship is terribly skewed.
But issues of the past need not be as overtly damaging as abuse. Perhaps our childhoods were basically okay, but we’ve always felt somewhat insignificant, or undeserving of love. We may have had “good enough” parenting, but our parents focused on achievement, and we grew up believing that we were loved for what we could do, not for who we are. Beliefs like these, even when they’re unconscious, can create vulnerabilities for sociopaths to exploit.
It’s also possible that there is a deep spiritual reason for becoming involved with a sociopath. This is what happened to me. I believe that we all come into this life with lessons to learn, and sometimes the lessons are painful. I discuss this more thoroughly in another blog article, Why did this happen to me?
Some people may not be comfortable with the idea of searching for the meaning of the entanglement with a sociopath. It may feel easier to think we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and ran into the wrong person. We just want to brush the encounter aside.
I think this attitude is only a band-aid, and sooner or later, if we don’t find the root cause, we’ll repeat experience. There is meaning, and discovering it leads to healing.
Research, therapy, introspection
So how do we do this? How do we find meaning in what may appear to be a random victimization?
Here’s an important point: True healing doesn’t just happen by itself. True healing requires personal effort.
The first step is to be willing to look for the meaning. Sometimes this, in itself, is difficult. We may be afraid of the painful memories. We may have tried to shove the experience into the past. We may be afraid that if we start crying, we’ll never stop. By being willing, we face these fears, and we may discover, to our surprise, that we can overcome them.
The actual process of finding meaning will probably involve some combination of research, therapy and introspection.
Research: This means educating ourselves not only about the sociopathic disorder, but also about the characteristics and attitudes of a whole, healthy person. We need to understand what we’ve been through, and what we want to become.
Therapy: By therapy, I mean seeking support from other human beings. This could mean working with a therapist or counselor. Or, it may simply be seeking the advice of an understanding, trusted friend, or other members of Lovefraud.
Introspection: Somewhere, deep within us, we know the answers. If we can quiet our minds, with meditation or just sitting in stillness, information will bubble up into our awareness. We may become aware of the mistaken, limiting beliefs that we didn’t know we had. We may receive intuitive guidance about what we should do. If we allow ourselves to seek the truth within, we will find it.
Emotional experience
We cannot expect the process of finding meaning to be simply an intellectual exercise. The bottom line is, we are in pain, pain that may be so entrenched that it has become numbness.
Pain is emotional. The release of pain is also emotional. Therefore, the search for meaning is an emotional experience. The meaning may be buried under anger, hatred, disappointment and fear, and we need to plow through all those emotions in order to find it. And this isn’t a one-time event. We may release anger, only to find more rise up to take its place. This may happen again, and again, and again. The truth is, we are all walking around in pools of pain, and draining the pools takes time.
The expression of these emotions is not pretty, and many people may not have the strength to be with us as we do it. I found that I could only do it with my therapist, or alone. So I sat in my spare room, which I call the meditation room, crying, pounding pillows in rage, and recording my rants in my journal.
But once we release the emotions, they’re gone, leaving room within us to fill with other emotions—like hope, love and joy.
To Lostgirl
Lostgirl, here is what I want you to know: You were betrayed by a sociopath. This is an experience that happened to you. It is not who you are. You are you; the experience is the experience. Do not confuse the two.
There is a meaning for the experience, and it will help you to discover it. This will require effort and commitment on your part. Take the steps. Make a commitment to yourself, to your own growth and happiness. What better commitment could you make?
Find the meaning. But don’t go on a self-help expedition to the exclusion of all else. Here’s a secret: When you focus on any joy in your life, no matter how small, and feel gratitude for the joy, you create an internal energy that attracts more joy.
Healing our hearts is always the answer. To heal, unearth the pain, and replace it with joy. The process may take time, but eventually the life spark will return, brighter than it ever was.
Dear Lostgirl,
I am so sorry. I am only 2 years divorced, and already know that I “see it” everywhere. And live in fear that I won’t “see it” when it matters. And I rage about yet another thing that he has stolen from me, another thing I will have to fight to find again. As you said, utter psychological rape – and we perpetuate it ourselves in the aftermath. And I too feel “numb” sometimes. My screen name is not a reference to my ex spath’s behaviour – it is a reference to how I feel – disconnected. It feels like my own dirty little secret – as if I am a fraud, a fake – not so disimilar from him. And with family and friends telling me how strong I am, how far I’ve come, how better things are out there for me…how to explain to them that despite all the foundations I am laying for the future, sometimes it seems like little more than “busywork”, and that sometimes I don’t even do it for myself, but for them, for their sense of peace, building for a future that I do not entirely believe in, as a sort of therapy, but secretly fearing that once the last brick is in place, I will freeze. I used to feel so sad for what happened to my family, to my marriage, and would find myself saying “if only he recognised what we had”, “if only he could have been open to counselling”, “if only he would have allowed himself to be vulnerable”, “if only I had insisted”, “if only I had not allowed him to”, “if only….”, and then I read an article that made me understand that it all boiled down to, “if only he was not disordered…”.
The sadness brought on by that realization was overwhelming. Sometimes it still is. More often than I would like actually, and more often than I dare to admit, even to those who recognize what he is.
But I notice that my sadness has shifted – away from sadness for him and what he could have been had he been able to appreciate everything he had, to sadness for myself and my children and what we have experienced, and have yet to experience with him still in our lives. And then comes the fear and the anger again. Cycling back and forth. But I consciously refuse to waste more time being sad for a person who knew better intellectualy, if not emotionally. Now I just protect myself as best I can from him and my own pre-dispotions.
But a good friend told me that after a regular divorce, bank on at least five years before you feel normal again. Splitting with an s/p must surely take longer to recover from? That same friend told me to “fake it, til you make it”, which initially I recoiled from, as you can imagine, but actually, “going through the motions” has helped in so many ways. Though at this point, I still have trouble imagining myself entirely re-connecting with my life, without feeling “different” from “everyone else”, or ever connecting with a new partner the way I thought I had connected with him. The thought of such intimacy actually makes me feel nauseous – it feels like his disorder has spread to me. But I think it is just fear. I hope it will go away in time.
As for what Donna said, about finding the meaning – that is so hard – sometimes it makes me want to scream that there can not possibly be any meaning in something so cruel and senseless. But over the last two years I have come to realize that I should have had therapy 20 years ago, as a child of a narcissist. Well, two abusive marriages later, I finally have had that therapy. So maybe I take that away as my “meaning”. Just wish it didn’t take so long, and risking my own children to find that path.
Wish I could be of more help – but you are not alone.
GoingThroughTheMotions:
Thank you so much for sharing your story and perspective. Time and time again, Lovefraud readers have thought they were the only ones who felt a certain way, or struggled with a certain issue – but then, here at Lovefraud, found that they were not alone in their experience.
And yes, by realizing that you are a child of a narcissist, and you need to recover from that relationship, you have found your meaning.
I am fortunate that my experience with a sociopath was followed up six months later by meeting an exceptionally good person.
The good person helped me retrospectively realize not only that the x-spath was utterly manipulative and emotionally unavailable and that nothing I did in my relationship with the x-spath was my fault. I was not moving too fast, I was not “revealing” too much too soon and I was not being “overly” romantic.
The good person reminded me how a normal, nonsociopathic person treats you. There is no hot and cold. There are no WTF??? moments. There are no communication gaps, with “disappearances” and sudden reappearances. There is no covert aggressive behavior. There is no mirroring. There is no sense from a normal person that they are hiding something.
Normal people are, open, honest and expressive of their emotions. They tell you they care about you, that they feel connected to you. They do not shower you with shallow flattery.
However, certain aspects of the x-spath also helped me understand why I could never be in a relationship with the good person and one characteristic they both shared is something I must be very wary of in the future. The most important “positive” thing I learn from the x-spath was that perhaps I do need to be with somebody with shared experiences, both good and bad, but *without falling for a pity play* or a reclamation project.
Thus, while my interests and values were closer to the good guy, my life experiences were closer to the x-spath and that is an important positive lesson. Since both were long-distance relationships, I need to understand why I considered both these guys and acknowledge such relationship mostly don’t work.
Most important, my relationship with the x-spath reminded me that toxic people do exist and that they can come wrapped in a very benign and “chilled/calm” exterior. My subsequent recovery and introspection made me realize that when I take care of myself and when I have proper boundaries, I do not fall victim to such people.
But why did I? Simple. I was needy and fell for somebody who, based upon my own personal boundaries, otherwise would not.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience Lostgirl. I can relate to some of what you have described and for awhile I thought it might just go away, but it doesnt. Honestly, at times I have felt really tainted and stupid for feeling this way .I recently found a therapist to help me with what I am experiencing and that has been very helpful. Its been 6 years since I had an active relationship with my ex, but the memories and flashbacks remain, the good thing is I am working on it.He is a stalker and I discovered that he kept tabs on me and found clever ways to let me know he was doing it , the sense of knowing someone is watching what you do created alot of anxiety for me, for many years. He’s in jail now awaiting trial on murders charges. Realizing that a person I was involved in a relationship with and was at one time in love with stabbed a man to death over 80 times after stalking him is really hard to wrap my mind around. I feel a sense of freedom knowing he is behind bars and likely will not be free anytime in the next 25 years. That still does not take away the feelings of self doubt, doubting my own perceptions, wondering if someone is genuine or trying to manipulate me,wondering if I am being lied to, and sometimes I just feel anxiety for what seems like no reason. I have to remind myself what I experienced was a trauma. I still have trouble with that, but I am working on it.I felt really responsible for many things as he blamed everything on me. I am so grateful for this website, I am learning so much from Donna and everyone who has shared their experience. SO many things that I have been carrying with me for several years are making clearer sense to me. Lovefraud has allowed me to realize that although I did some really hard work when I terminated the realtionship with my ex, theres still leftover stuff that needs attention. It is hard, but judging from my past success by staying away from my ex,working with a therapist at that time and focusing on what was best for me, I know I can do it. I dont want the negatiity that I continue to carry with me to run my life. Theres hope, i really believe there is:)
GREAT ARTICLE, DONNA!
During my own numb times, when little held any interest for me, I realized that I was numb. (Which is also a sign of clinical depression). I started searching for meaning. I wanted to NOT be numb.
I realized I had lost my ability to TRUST–mostly to trust myself to keep myself safe. I HAD failed to keep myself safe. But, then I realized that as late as I had started to protect myself, I DID start to protect myself, that I did CARE if I lived or died even though I felt numb. I did care for my animals and get my own life out of danger.
I found a book that helped me more than anything I had read about self help, or even the stories here that let me know I was not ALONE in my feelings.
It was written by Dr. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who spent 3-4 years in a Nazi prison camp. He wrote this not as just a journal of what happened to him, but his EMOTIONAL responses and his observations of how others EMOTIONALLY responded to such OVERWHELMING LOSSES as they experienced. “Man’s Search for Meaning” was the name of the book.
Dr. Frankl lost EVERYTHING except his life. He lost a manuscript of a book he was writing which he had hidden in a coat. He lost his wife, his home, his health…yet he found MEANING in the losses he suffered. He also observed that some others did not find meaning and they literally lay down and died, not of physical stress so much as just giving up in finding meaning to their suffering.
Afterward, when he was free. He noted how some people became bitter over their losses and lived unhappy lives because they found no “meaning” in their experiences.
Dr. Frankl also talked about how our own losses, our feelings of betrayal and pain could help us to find MORE MEANING IN LIFE. How our pain was no more or less than his, even though he “lost” more than we did. His concept is that pain is like a gas, and it expands to fill —completely fill–whatever size container it is in, whether it is a “little” gas or a “lot” of gas. His pain filled him entirely. My pain filled me entirely.. Your pain fills you entirely.
But we CAN find meaning, and his concept and mine, is that humans are not just physical and mental, but we are also spiritual. We must address the spiritual concepts. Dr. Frankl was Jewish, but not particularly religious or observant, but he tapped this spiritual aspect of his humanness of his Jewishness to help him heal.
Dr. Frankl’s book helped me a great deal to see that how much or how little I lost is not the point of the recovery, but that it is a learning process, a spiritual as well as a physical and emotional journey.
I am more cautious in my relationships now, I tolerate less “drama” in those close to me, and have “weeded” my garden of “friends” of those people who are less kind and considerate. I have totally blocked out those people who are toxic, and those who do not treat me as well as I treat them. For the few people I have to associate with that I find less than desirable, I keep them at an emotional distance. This allows me to feel closer to and value the friendships and love of those who ARE trust worthy who have shown me that they can be trusted. I no longer feel terrorized or hyper vigilant and am much more peaceful and calm and enjoy the simple pleasures of being with people who are warm, caring, and trusting. People who care about me.
I want to share that I was in the ER til 5:30 am with HIVES.
Looked like a leper. They were everywhere on me.
I personally think it is nerves. I have never been allergic to thing.
Have been having constant anxiety over P.
I am now on steroids and benedryl.
anyone ever had these?
Any suggestions Oxy?
Lostgirl,
While I’m not as far out of this experience as you have now walked, I relate to every single emotion, or lack thereof you are experiencing and struggle with the “meaning” of it all.
While intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are a regular occurence for me right now, I work VERY hard at trying to find the meaning of it all. I’m unearthing what I hope are many GEMS in a pile of garbage. Myself. My past. Shame and guilt long suppressed. These things are excrutiatingly painful, but necessary in moving forward. It is frightening and it is filled with grief. My past a lifetime of abuse, my future uncertain, my present a consistent nagging oscillation from pain to numbness to anger and back again. What I’ve come to realize is that the reality that I feel anything at all, is truly a miracle in itself. Why is this? Because even though it is very painful, and very frightening, the OUTCOME will be worth the pain. It is hard work, lostgirl, very hard work. I often wonder, during those times of feeling the void and feeling numb are times to which my mind doesn’t want to bring up very painful memories that need to be exorcised. Perhaps this is an area where you are stuck, but that does not mean you are beyond hope. That you can’t move past it. Perhaps work in therapy to bring up the pain of what happened to you, and perhaps uncovering the layers as to why, would free you from the numbness you are experiencing.
I hope to see more of your posts here. Moving beyond the spath is VERY hard work. I think that this is also a matter of choice. I don’t want to be stuck in this place. The search for meaning means going through what frightens me the most. Pain. It’s easier to be numb, than it is to walk through the pain.
I want to share with you that I believe you are stronger than you think you are, simply because you recognize that something isn’t right within. That is a GOOD sign! The fact that you’re reaching out, I believe, is your spirit wanting freedom. LISTEN to that. You have awareness now. It all begins there.
God Bless, lostgirl. you can do it 🙂
LL
Donna,
Ironically, this article is well timed for me. The struggle for meaning is what I was thinking about this morning, prior to coming to the site.
In a sense, all you’ve written is a validation of my process and my desire to move forward, albeit slowly.
Thank you,
LL
Huge hugs to you LL!!!!
Sometimes I don’t have the best advice cuz I am hurting myself. Not as painful today however- so I do feel hope.
One day we will look back and see these guys as losers– as hard as that is to believe now. I know– I have been thru it before.
Akitameg,
There was a time, while going through the trauma with the sociopath, when I broke out in pimples all over my body. My therapist said that it was my body purging the toxins generated by my stress however it could – through my skin.