Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “lostgirl.”
I fell hopelessly in love with (read as I would have given him my real heart and died for him) a sociopath/psychopath.
Skip the details.
I am four years divorced.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t grieve the loss of the relationship I thought I had. I cognitively know that the person I married was not who I thought he was and I even believe I know how he came to be. Unfortunately, I have never felt anger, only sadness for what I viewed as the person he could have been that was taken from him long ago. I see him as an addict and myself as having been addicted to him.
Somehow, now, I still cannot move on. I have been through many short relationships, all ended well for me and usually I ended the relationship when I noticed red flags, the ones I kept close at heart. Again, I am in a new relationship and experiencing all the anxiety all over again (each new relationship triggers this). Including nightmares of the ex-sociopath and agonizing over how to know when someone is genuine. Good words are empty and promises of future fall on my deaf ears because I was disheartened so gravely before.
I have become cold and detached. I feel less emotion for every single thing in my life than at any time ever. All things I own, animals, family, I feel as though I am in a stage of suspended life, I cannot bond. I take care of my animals, I take care of my parents, nothing I own feels as if it’s mine, only borrowed, including relationships. I feel fake and alone.
I truly liked the person I met that I am in a relationship with now, but as with all the others after a short time (three months), I begin to feel less and look critically at their words and life as if I am subconsciously talking myself out of taking the risk of succeeding because of the pool of “thought I had’s” that live inside my head.
I know that a good relationship takes time to grow. How can I give myself the time to grow a relationship when I am so busy still flashing back to a relationship that was agony? He compliments me and I toss it aside. He talks about his life and experiences and I’m trying to assemble timeframes in my head to make sure he isn’t lying to me. It’s as if I’m trying to analyze my way in to a sincere relationship by slicing and dicing all the input/information I’m given. In the meantime I’ve dehumanized the relationship in my head and nearly severed any chance at bonding.
I have read post after post from people and articles all over the internet. What I haven’t found is any truly helpful advice for someone like me.
I fear I have lost the ability to connect permanently because I cannot logically define what is not deceitful at the moment it occurs. What is unselfish, I look for selfishness in. All good is lost because I have become obsessed with what is wrong with what is right.
How do I get back to identifying reality and trusting when it is proper? I feel that my mind was raped and I have lost the ability to connect on any level with anyone. I feel like a shell and I can see through everyone in my life, it would be so easy to be just like him (the ex) but I am not driven to “want” like he did. I see the holes in people and it is so easy for me to identify what is exploitable.
I hate this person I’ve become. I want to climb out of the shell and return to who I was before I fell in “love.”
Help I’m lost.
Realm of Numb
A very wise spiritual counselor once said that unresolved anger becomes rage, and unresolved rage becomes numbness. I think that’s what has happened to Lostgirl—she has moved into the Realm of Numb.
She was so in love with the sociopath that she would have died for him. In effect, that is what she did. Her life spark is gone. She no longer finds joy in her family and animals. She looks for deception in new relationships. She no longer trusts herself to know when she can trust another human being.
The Realm of Numb isn’t a place of pain. It’s a place of emptiness, of nothingness, of void. And it’s a place where none of us should be.
But how do we escape? How do we leave behind the feeling of fakeness, and recover the feeling of authenticity?
Search for meaning
One of the books that Lovefraud recommends to everyone who has experienced the trauma of a sociopath is The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the circumstances that can cause us to form traumatic bonds with an abuser, and provides exercises to help readers unravel those bonds.
When I read the book, I highlighted only one sentence that Carnes wrote, and this is it:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
This is the key. This is how we truly recover. There is always meaning in what has happened to us, although it can be difficult to find. In fact, that’s what makes the destructive relationships with sociopaths so excruciatingly painful—we can’t figure out why they happened. We did nothing to deserve the betrayal. Our intentions were honorable. So why did this happen to us?
Answers in the past
For many of us, the answer lies in our past. If we’ve experienced an abusive relationship, and were not able to recover, we are primed for another abusive relationship. The problem is even more insidious if we were abused as children, because our whole idea of what is “normal” in a relationship is terribly skewed.
But issues of the past need not be as overtly damaging as abuse. Perhaps our childhoods were basically okay, but we’ve always felt somewhat insignificant, or undeserving of love. We may have had “good enough” parenting, but our parents focused on achievement, and we grew up believing that we were loved for what we could do, not for who we are. Beliefs like these, even when they’re unconscious, can create vulnerabilities for sociopaths to exploit.
It’s also possible that there is a deep spiritual reason for becoming involved with a sociopath. This is what happened to me. I believe that we all come into this life with lessons to learn, and sometimes the lessons are painful. I discuss this more thoroughly in another blog article, Why did this happen to me?
Some people may not be comfortable with the idea of searching for the meaning of the entanglement with a sociopath. It may feel easier to think we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and ran into the wrong person. We just want to brush the encounter aside.
I think this attitude is only a band-aid, and sooner or later, if we don’t find the root cause, we’ll repeat experience. There is meaning, and discovering it leads to healing.
Research, therapy, introspection
So how do we do this? How do we find meaning in what may appear to be a random victimization?
Here’s an important point: True healing doesn’t just happen by itself. True healing requires personal effort.
The first step is to be willing to look for the meaning. Sometimes this, in itself, is difficult. We may be afraid of the painful memories. We may have tried to shove the experience into the past. We may be afraid that if we start crying, we’ll never stop. By being willing, we face these fears, and we may discover, to our surprise, that we can overcome them.
The actual process of finding meaning will probably involve some combination of research, therapy and introspection.
Research: This means educating ourselves not only about the sociopathic disorder, but also about the characteristics and attitudes of a whole, healthy person. We need to understand what we’ve been through, and what we want to become.
Therapy: By therapy, I mean seeking support from other human beings. This could mean working with a therapist or counselor. Or, it may simply be seeking the advice of an understanding, trusted friend, or other members of Lovefraud.
Introspection: Somewhere, deep within us, we know the answers. If we can quiet our minds, with meditation or just sitting in stillness, information will bubble up into our awareness. We may become aware of the mistaken, limiting beliefs that we didn’t know we had. We may receive intuitive guidance about what we should do. If we allow ourselves to seek the truth within, we will find it.
Emotional experience
We cannot expect the process of finding meaning to be simply an intellectual exercise. The bottom line is, we are in pain, pain that may be so entrenched that it has become numbness.
Pain is emotional. The release of pain is also emotional. Therefore, the search for meaning is an emotional experience. The meaning may be buried under anger, hatred, disappointment and fear, and we need to plow through all those emotions in order to find it. And this isn’t a one-time event. We may release anger, only to find more rise up to take its place. This may happen again, and again, and again. The truth is, we are all walking around in pools of pain, and draining the pools takes time.
The expression of these emotions is not pretty, and many people may not have the strength to be with us as we do it. I found that I could only do it with my therapist, or alone. So I sat in my spare room, which I call the meditation room, crying, pounding pillows in rage, and recording my rants in my journal.
But once we release the emotions, they’re gone, leaving room within us to fill with other emotions—like hope, love and joy.
To Lostgirl
Lostgirl, here is what I want you to know: You were betrayed by a sociopath. This is an experience that happened to you. It is not who you are. You are you; the experience is the experience. Do not confuse the two.
There is a meaning for the experience, and it will help you to discover it. This will require effort and commitment on your part. Take the steps. Make a commitment to yourself, to your own growth and happiness. What better commitment could you make?
Find the meaning. But don’t go on a self-help expedition to the exclusion of all else. Here’s a secret: When you focus on any joy in your life, no matter how small, and feel gratitude for the joy, you create an internal energy that attracts more joy.
Healing our hearts is always the answer. To heal, unearth the pain, and replace it with joy. The process may take time, but eventually the life spark will return, brighter than it ever was.
2b, this is one of those all-too-familiar situations, and I am so sorry that you’re going through this.
The suggestions and insight above are pretty doggoned sound, especially with regard to forced “intervention.” I completely agree that it would be harmful to yourself to put too much hope in the mandated counseling – once patterns are forged, they often continue unless the individual has incalculable courage and self-awareness.
I had to walk away from my eldest son as per his spathy, and it was almost as if he had passed away and I grieved over who he could (and, should) have been. Then, a series of events brought him back into my life on a long-distance peripheral basis, and I do not reach out to him or give him any part of myself, at all. He’s just this disembodied voice over the phone that I have no real connection with.
For what it’s worth, 2b, I would urge you to seek individual counseling beyond that which is Court-mandated, stricly for your own needs. Search for a counseling therapist (psychologist, not psychiatrist) who is familiar with family violence, PSTD, sociopathy, and malignant narcissism. You can get the names of several prospects by calling your insurance provider, as well as your local mental health (I HATE THAT MISNOMER! It should be “emotional health!”) hotline and speaking openly and honestly to the intake person.
As parents, we desperately want our children to be successful and loving, just as we are. Sometimes, and, for whatever reason, they do not develop into what we expected. Because of our experiences with the spath(s), we feel somehow responsible for this condition, and we just aren’t. Knowing that on an academic basis and feeling it on an emotional level are two very separate things. One does not always preclude the other. So, to sort out these feelings, processing facts, and reconciling the two often requires the help of someone outside of the “circle,” so to speak.
Brightest healing and courageous blessings to you, 2b.
Truthspeak ~
“He’s just this disembodied voice over the phone that I have no real connection with.” EXACTLY – what a great way to put it into words. This is exactly what my relationship with my 32 year old spath daughter has become.
Thank you for putting it into words.
Bless you
Milo, I lost the thread where you and GS1 were talking and can’t find it now! CRS! I want to comment on it, do you remember what the thread was?
I read through it and wanted to comment but ended up going to another thread and lost it somewhere….
Well I am facing down the land agent from the pipe line company to get them to fix the 40 acres they have totally devastated! At least so it will grow GRASS at the very least. As it is now, with nothing but shale on top of the ground, you might as well throw the seed out on the freeway and expect it to grow grass on the concrete! Talk about a stomach churner, this guy is such a slime bucket, liar and tries to con the old woman! Hee Hee– hasn’t had much success with me but he did get the egg donor to sign a BLANKET RELEASE OF LIABILITY so that if he had driven a bull dozer over my house I would have had no recourse, and when I pointed that out he said “Oh, well, we wouldn’t DO that!” LOL ROYTFLMAO Go back and fix the contract arsehole! He was SOOOO mad! Came back with another one he had written and said “this is just like the origiinal contract and you can BACK DATE signing it, we’ll just substitute it for the original” I said to him “GO BACK AND FIX IT RIGHT, I WILL NOT SIGN SOMETHING AND BACK DATE IT” (it was stupid because the original was filed at the COURT HOUSE so there was NO SUBSTITUTING for it. DUH!!!! He finally fixed it right, but danged if I didn’t have to stay on his arse….what a yo-yo. Not real smart either.
Well, will see what happens when he comes today. I’m getting my ADAMANT ON! as Erin B says. LOL
I can’t say it doesn’t bother the hell out of me tho think that we can here from this invisible distance know whether a child is pathalogical or not.
Maybe yes, but we can not know. And there are so many things that can and do go on with children who come from very dysfunctional situations.
I know there are people here who have suffered that great loss because their children are indeed spathalogical.
And I know from my own experience that there were people who urged me to discard a child who was not, but who does suffer from a rare disorder that makes his life and mine pretty difficult,
2b, I am not judging your daughter – i can’t. But I can say that the good news sounds like the intervention you needed has come and that an opportunity exists to break the deadlock you have been in.
There are horror stories and successes all around us. And when you are in the place where it can go either way, its scary. Given that you have been unbalanced already per your posts, I hope that this will help you right your boat so to speak.
The stories I have heard about pathalogical children don’t sound like your daughter to me. She got a job and a place to live and started advocating HARD for herself when she left your house. That is kind of impressive.
She was mean to you in what she said, That sounds like an embittered shild. Not unusual for a kid who isn’t getting their needs met. So I wonder?
I hope, for both of you that there is a lot more to the story and that a pathway to peace between you can be found.
It is sound advice for you to get a counselor who can help you navigate because it won’t be easy, but the results might be better than the situation you are in.
Try to stay open to that possibility.
I am reminded of the Japanese poet Basho who wrote
Bend with the willow
all the desires of your heart.
The poem if referring to the idea that when you are flexible, you will not be broken but able to bend with change.
Sometimes it takes a lot of strength to bend. And I hope you will use your fortitude to see clearly and find a path for bringing your family back together in a healthy and healing way for all of you.
I operate on the idea that there is a 95% chance that an individual is not pathalogical, but there is a chance as small as it is. However, there are a vast number of neurological problems and physical problems and emotional problems that are a lot more common.
A difficult or strong willed child isn’t a monster but a conflict of wills without intervention can be a monsterous situation.
How fortunate you would be to discover your situation is monstrous and your daughter is not? I hope for that. And for you.
Good luck- and ttfn!
Silvermoon ~ You are so right with your above post. When I posted to truthspeak above, I mentioned my daughter’s age – 32. She was 26 when I finally felt I had exhaused every avenue to help her. Even then, it was a matter of saving and helping Grand, or continue to try to help her. To me, at that point, the decision was an easy one BECAUSE I knew I had done ALL I could and anything further would be “malignant hope”.
The term “incorrigible teen” has been used. I think to get some perspective on that term, a day sitting in JV Court, observing, might be a good idea.
silver – i posted although i knew what i had to say might be contentious. I understand your p.o.v. And am thankful that your situation with your child is something different.
here’s what mine boils down to: 2b protecting herself and her other children. 2b breaking through malignant hope. i know that breaking through denial – and seeing things as they really are (WHATEVER they are) is critically important. When 2b starts reporting behaviours from her D that suggest the validity of hope, I will adjust my approach. In the meantime I am going to continue to support her efforts to act as if the child is disordered – as her d is def. toxic. It’s so easy to want things to be different, and so destructive to deny what is.
Silvermoon,
whether the daughter is pathological or not, is not really the point. She may have that “bent” genetically but she is too young to be diagnosed because her mind is still plastic – as it should be.
The point is that she is acting spathy and 2B has an opportunity to nip that in the bud WHILE the child’s mind is still able to be molded. The child has been EXTREMELY manipulative of 2B’s emotions. She is very intelligent and can see exactly how to get 2B’s emotional reactions. If I remember your son turned out to have a sleep disorder? 2B’s daughter doesn’t have health issues. She is just a young woman trying out her power and doing it without empathy.
I think the question right now is, “what’s the best way to deal with her?” IMO, the best way is the same way you would deal with a spath: DON’T REWARD THE SPATHY BEHAVIOR.
I’m not saying that 2B has been a perfect mom, but she has done her best and she is willing to try harder. 2B has the rest of her life to improve herself (as we all do) but her daughter has a short window of opportunity to make a vast change in her perspective about what is right and wrong. It’s going to be a challenge for 2B, in which, I think she’ll learn a lot in her own right but that is secondary to the main goal which is helping her daughter learn empathy right now.
Silvermoon – LOVE the poem quote and it is so true: bend, or break.
MiLo, JV Court is harrowing, desperate, and sad beyond description. Domestic Violence Court is another place where an observer just leaves shaking their head and wondering, “What the hell is wrong with people?”
I am SO needing this site, today. Brightest blessings to everyone.
Truthspeak – “incorrigible teen” is harrowing, desperate and sad beyond description. Sometimes things need to be put into perspective.
I am sorry you are in a bad way today. We all have them and boy does this site help. A couple of days ago I found out my D was in jail for prostitution and drugs. She not only is my Grand’s “mother”, but she has a little girl who will be 3 in a couple of days.
If you need to talk, I am here to listen.
((((hugs)))))
Hi One! Best to you!
I am reminded of the difference of approach taken by Frankllin and Amundsen in searching for the Northwest Passage.
Why did one fail and the other succeed?
In harsh climates, the aproach and the decisions it drives makes a huge difference. I am thinking on this piece of history a lot these days.
But what is true now is that the ice has melted and the passage can be navigable. People have been doing it since 2007.
The climate has changed.
There are so many things to consider….So many lessons to learn.
But I wish that the hope will stay alive and that it continues to be that guiding star in leading me and all of us who seek healing to keep going and striving for it and not give up in the middle or break under the burden of the fear and distress.
We can do it. And we can do it for our children. And that changes the history of generations. It changes the climate and makes the impossible, possible. Therein is the promise of future.
But these are my thoughts these days.
🙂
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVY8LoM47xI