Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “lostgirl.”
I fell hopelessly in love with (read as I would have given him my real heart and died for him) a sociopath/psychopath.
Skip the details.
I am four years divorced.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t grieve the loss of the relationship I thought I had. I cognitively know that the person I married was not who I thought he was and I even believe I know how he came to be. Unfortunately, I have never felt anger, only sadness for what I viewed as the person he could have been that was taken from him long ago. I see him as an addict and myself as having been addicted to him.
Somehow, now, I still cannot move on. I have been through many short relationships, all ended well for me and usually I ended the relationship when I noticed red flags, the ones I kept close at heart. Again, I am in a new relationship and experiencing all the anxiety all over again (each new relationship triggers this). Including nightmares of the ex-sociopath and agonizing over how to know when someone is genuine. Good words are empty and promises of future fall on my deaf ears because I was disheartened so gravely before.
I have become cold and detached. I feel less emotion for every single thing in my life than at any time ever. All things I own, animals, family, I feel as though I am in a stage of suspended life, I cannot bond. I take care of my animals, I take care of my parents, nothing I own feels as if it’s mine, only borrowed, including relationships. I feel fake and alone.
I truly liked the person I met that I am in a relationship with now, but as with all the others after a short time (three months), I begin to feel less and look critically at their words and life as if I am subconsciously talking myself out of taking the risk of succeeding because of the pool of “thought I had’s” that live inside my head.
I know that a good relationship takes time to grow. How can I give myself the time to grow a relationship when I am so busy still flashing back to a relationship that was agony? He compliments me and I toss it aside. He talks about his life and experiences and I’m trying to assemble timeframes in my head to make sure he isn’t lying to me. It’s as if I’m trying to analyze my way in to a sincere relationship by slicing and dicing all the input/information I’m given. In the meantime I’ve dehumanized the relationship in my head and nearly severed any chance at bonding.
I have read post after post from people and articles all over the internet. What I haven’t found is any truly helpful advice for someone like me.
I fear I have lost the ability to connect permanently because I cannot logically define what is not deceitful at the moment it occurs. What is unselfish, I look for selfishness in. All good is lost because I have become obsessed with what is wrong with what is right.
How do I get back to identifying reality and trusting when it is proper? I feel that my mind was raped and I have lost the ability to connect on any level with anyone. I feel like a shell and I can see through everyone in my life, it would be so easy to be just like him (the ex) but I am not driven to “want” like he did. I see the holes in people and it is so easy for me to identify what is exploitable.
I hate this person I’ve become. I want to climb out of the shell and return to who I was before I fell in “love.”
Help I’m lost.
Realm of Numb
A very wise spiritual counselor once said that unresolved anger becomes rage, and unresolved rage becomes numbness. I think that’s what has happened to Lostgirl—she has moved into the Realm of Numb.
She was so in love with the sociopath that she would have died for him. In effect, that is what she did. Her life spark is gone. She no longer finds joy in her family and animals. She looks for deception in new relationships. She no longer trusts herself to know when she can trust another human being.
The Realm of Numb isn’t a place of pain. It’s a place of emptiness, of nothingness, of void. And it’s a place where none of us should be.
But how do we escape? How do we leave behind the feeling of fakeness, and recover the feeling of authenticity?
Search for meaning
One of the books that Lovefraud recommends to everyone who has experienced the trauma of a sociopath is The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the circumstances that can cause us to form traumatic bonds with an abuser, and provides exercises to help readers unravel those bonds.
When I read the book, I highlighted only one sentence that Carnes wrote, and this is it:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
This is the key. This is how we truly recover. There is always meaning in what has happened to us, although it can be difficult to find. In fact, that’s what makes the destructive relationships with sociopaths so excruciatingly painful—we can’t figure out why they happened. We did nothing to deserve the betrayal. Our intentions were honorable. So why did this happen to us?
Answers in the past
For many of us, the answer lies in our past. If we’ve experienced an abusive relationship, and were not able to recover, we are primed for another abusive relationship. The problem is even more insidious if we were abused as children, because our whole idea of what is “normal” in a relationship is terribly skewed.
But issues of the past need not be as overtly damaging as abuse. Perhaps our childhoods were basically okay, but we’ve always felt somewhat insignificant, or undeserving of love. We may have had “good enough” parenting, but our parents focused on achievement, and we grew up believing that we were loved for what we could do, not for who we are. Beliefs like these, even when they’re unconscious, can create vulnerabilities for sociopaths to exploit.
It’s also possible that there is a deep spiritual reason for becoming involved with a sociopath. This is what happened to me. I believe that we all come into this life with lessons to learn, and sometimes the lessons are painful. I discuss this more thoroughly in another blog article, Why did this happen to me?
Some people may not be comfortable with the idea of searching for the meaning of the entanglement with a sociopath. It may feel easier to think we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and ran into the wrong person. We just want to brush the encounter aside.
I think this attitude is only a band-aid, and sooner or later, if we don’t find the root cause, we’ll repeat experience. There is meaning, and discovering it leads to healing.
Research, therapy, introspection
So how do we do this? How do we find meaning in what may appear to be a random victimization?
Here’s an important point: True healing doesn’t just happen by itself. True healing requires personal effort.
The first step is to be willing to look for the meaning. Sometimes this, in itself, is difficult. We may be afraid of the painful memories. We may have tried to shove the experience into the past. We may be afraid that if we start crying, we’ll never stop. By being willing, we face these fears, and we may discover, to our surprise, that we can overcome them.
The actual process of finding meaning will probably involve some combination of research, therapy and introspection.
Research: This means educating ourselves not only about the sociopathic disorder, but also about the characteristics and attitudes of a whole, healthy person. We need to understand what we’ve been through, and what we want to become.
Therapy: By therapy, I mean seeking support from other human beings. This could mean working with a therapist or counselor. Or, it may simply be seeking the advice of an understanding, trusted friend, or other members of Lovefraud.
Introspection: Somewhere, deep within us, we know the answers. If we can quiet our minds, with meditation or just sitting in stillness, information will bubble up into our awareness. We may become aware of the mistaken, limiting beliefs that we didn’t know we had. We may receive intuitive guidance about what we should do. If we allow ourselves to seek the truth within, we will find it.
Emotional experience
We cannot expect the process of finding meaning to be simply an intellectual exercise. The bottom line is, we are in pain, pain that may be so entrenched that it has become numbness.
Pain is emotional. The release of pain is also emotional. Therefore, the search for meaning is an emotional experience. The meaning may be buried under anger, hatred, disappointment and fear, and we need to plow through all those emotions in order to find it. And this isn’t a one-time event. We may release anger, only to find more rise up to take its place. This may happen again, and again, and again. The truth is, we are all walking around in pools of pain, and draining the pools takes time.
The expression of these emotions is not pretty, and many people may not have the strength to be with us as we do it. I found that I could only do it with my therapist, or alone. So I sat in my spare room, which I call the meditation room, crying, pounding pillows in rage, and recording my rants in my journal.
But once we release the emotions, they’re gone, leaving room within us to fill with other emotions—like hope, love and joy.
To Lostgirl
Lostgirl, here is what I want you to know: You were betrayed by a sociopath. This is an experience that happened to you. It is not who you are. You are you; the experience is the experience. Do not confuse the two.
There is a meaning for the experience, and it will help you to discover it. This will require effort and commitment on your part. Take the steps. Make a commitment to yourself, to your own growth and happiness. What better commitment could you make?
Find the meaning. But don’t go on a self-help expedition to the exclusion of all else. Here’s a secret: When you focus on any joy in your life, no matter how small, and feel gratitude for the joy, you create an internal energy that attracts more joy.
Healing our hearts is always the answer. To heal, unearth the pain, and replace it with joy. The process may take time, but eventually the life spark will return, brighter than it ever was.
“A very wise spiritual counselor once said that unresolved anger becomes rage, and unresolved rage becomes numbness.”
I look forward then, to the realm of numbness. I was angry for the betrayal. I was enraged when he then ruined the relationship I’d built from the ashes. The anti depressants encouraged that rage to burn.
The meds are being reduced now, as I almost got me fired over the mood swings, paranoia, and hostility. But then it’s hard NOT to be paranoid when you are forced to walk into the lie he as built around what happened at work.
I have been told that I will continue to hurt until I forgive. I spent over 2 yrs blaming me, and not him… apologizing for my anger over his lies. Obviously it was MY fault he couldn’t love me… right?
I have come to the place where my form of forgiveness is simply the realization that he could easily have used, lied, and injured me more then he did, and yet, for what ever reason, he chose not to. Perhaps it was too much like taking candy from a baby, but for what ever reason, I am thankful for it.
I can not apologize again, and will not. My reactions and anger where valid. I will not play into his game, that says you can do ANYTHING to ANY ONE, and in 2 yrs the other person will HAVE to forgive you, or every one will be on his side, and reject the victim. It is TRUE… and yet I would rather be rejected by all my co-workers, and ex friends then to live by the rules of life that play to HIS favor.
I look forward to a future where I can be numb. Where I can walk into work and hear his voice, and not cry in quite at my desk. When I become numb, maybe I’ll finally be able to find a job somewhere else, as I wont throw red flags up in interviews because I’m DAMAGED GOODs. Or perhaps it wont matter that I work with a sociopath that used and abused me, who has more honor then me, and who I helped to MAKE into the power that now makes my life a daily hell.
I am remarried. I also LIKE the person I’m with. I simply am not able to love unconditionally and innocently as I was able to 5 yrs ago. I am changed. I don’t like the person I’ve become either, but it’s who I’m stuck with. Feeling affection for my husband and being able to trust him, is better then slowly killing myself, “or quickly” over a man who simply wanted another notch on his belt, and didn’t bother to tell you for years after you’d given up your life for him.
Woodrow, What a great post! I can so identify with it. I was married for 25 years and he left me. I felt there was some mistake. It has taken me 3 1/2 years since the separation and going through the divorce process to realize just how defective he was.
Tobehappy, Your quote:
“I don’t fear the future”I like being unattatched to a man right now. I fill my days with things I LOVE”.I am taking better care of myself and my body than I ever did. Its all about ME and when I am totally healthy and happy, THAT is when I may someday attract a man who is where I am at.
I believe I have honestly come to that place myself. It seemed I had non stop dated since the separation replacing one person with another until I found the spath boyfriend. He was the hardest one to break free of even though he is so empty. His life is NOTHING.
Changedforever, I sing, talk to myself, or God. I know he is listening. I journal. Sometimes I just talk out loud instead of writing it down. My sense of humor has sustained me. I was always able to laugh. I came to the point where I was not able to cry. I am there now as emotions and memories are rising to the surface. I just don’t want to lose my joy…..and SATAN will not steal it.
Deceived, I was where you were at at one time while I was still married. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I found that I didn’t pray to live either. The person who kept me going was knowing that my daughter needed me. There is hope. Really there is. The sun is starting to come out in my soul again.
Sherry Winter, Anger is a valid emotion. You do not need to forgive until you are good and ready. Maybe you will never be ready. The forgiveness part is for you and not them anyway. Having affection for your husband without losing yourself is good. Hang onto yourself. The only thing I would like to ask is is it possible to get another job or are you stuck in the one you have with the Sociopath Boss?
This has been such an encouraging thread.
Lostgirl, I hope you are getting a little encouraged now just knowing that you are not alone. We are all at different stages in our realization of what happened to us and in our recovery. Everyone goes at their own pace. I remember the anger and the rage. My husband used to throw little verbal darts at me and watch me blow. I did. Now I have to remind myself that anger is all right. I do not have to go with the agenda of other people including my mother (a story for another time) but I need to do what is best for me now.
TTS
I really looked forward to reading this article, as soon as I saw the title! I’m looking for meaning in all this and sometimes I find it, only to lose it again, in anger or sorrow, at all the betrayal and fraud. Especially, how easily they just move on, to the next victim, after years in a marriage, family, children, as if it’s nothing. They don’t waste any of their time crying over lost time or trying to learn WHY-it’s onward to the next victim, that can introduce them to a whole new world of ‘worship’. We’re the ones left in the wake of all that destruction. They shake it off like water off a duck’s back and keep moving. Still; we would NEVER want to be them!
I really enjoyed this letter and Donna’s responses and poster’s comments! Thank you so much!
I’ve been numb and I don’t want that void again EVER! I’d rather be angry or hurt because I am feeling, at least, and I can deal with that. I know how to cope with emotions, it’s lack of them that threw me for a loop! Thankfully, that has passed now.
Oxy: as usual, a fantastic post regarding spiritual!
Sky: I relate! I don’t want to manage anyone’s emotions again-I’m all burned out. Still: my kids come at me to dump and wring me out to dry. Sheesh: the reaches of these P’s is genetically waaaaaay out there! *sigh
Since we’re dealing with abnormal people, our reactions are normal. The article was another one that was so helpful. I go through the motions of life, being numb most of the time, but having times where I can glimpse how things could be emotionally. I feel like I have been run over by a train – it’s taking more time than I want to recover (and I truly wonder if that will ever happen). In the end, I want to win, become a better me, not having this awful disorder take me and/or my children down.
I’ve been looking for a job since BEFORE I found out he was a lying cheating jerk… since his con was that we couldn’t let people know about us because we worked together. He’s a lead worker, and is not held accountable, but protected by the same union I belong to. He knew NOT to get into management, having lost many MANY jobs over taking advantage of employees, back when he worked in the restaurant business. Of course no one here checked those references, since his brother in law, and mother both worked for the agency, and were big wigs. Back when it started he was not my lead worker, then when I found out about his lies, I had a break down and management sent me off to “cool down,” at another agency.
Well, the COOL DOWN time was for almost 2 yrs, and don’t you know the statue of limitations with abuse of his position ran out after 2 yrs. I am told to LET THE PAST STAY IN THE PAST… blah blah blah.
The job market is hard. And I’m damaged goods. If I quit, I would lose the only thing I had left after he destroyed my life, my job and my farm. I’d rather burn in hell right next to him, then give him one inch more of this lousy life then he’s already taken.
OK, obsessive there. However, he’s spent 50 yrs taking advantage of people like me. KNOWING that they will either go away by choice, or others will run them away when after 2 yrs they are still complaining of his abuse. He just uses people, never confesses, and waits knowing that after time every one including the victim will get sick of it.
He ruined my life. Lied to me. Cheated on me. And had every one believing that I imagined we had a relationship, after I’d divorced a man who worshiped me for his lies. My fault, my problem, blah blah blah. I was going through an emotionally unstable time, and he totally pushed me over the edge, and then stomped on me. I have been trying to get a better job, or even a demotion for 5 yrs now… and the insecurity, and head trip he’s given me, make me a time bomb to employers. That and I’m old enough, employers would rather hire someone at my stage of training and experience that are 20 yrs younger then me.
Sorry, I’m sitting here, listening to the jerk talk to my boss within ear shot. It makes me sick.
GoingThruTheMotions,
you just wrote the story of my life as it is these days:
“…as if I am a fraud, a fake ”“ not so disimilar from him. And with family and friends telling me how strong I am, how far I’ve come, how better things are out there for me”how to explain to them that despite all the foundations I am laying for the future, sometimes it seems like little more than “busywork”, and that sometimes I don’t even do it for myself, but for them, for their sense of peace, building for a future that I do not entirely believe in…”
Yep, they all tell me the same things, & I’m doing all those “busywork” things, & all the time I’m doing them, I feel like they’re only “gestures” for “them”: the people who tell me how much they believe in me. Far more than I believe in myself!!! I made an attempt to get back to my artwork about 10 days ago: I got a nice sketch down, hit a few licks at the shading, & laid the pastel on the page, & there it sits….not more than 3′ from my elbow as I write.
Gestures. I try to see them as more than that, but all the time, I feel like “the fraud”. I really DO want to get on with my life, a new & improved life, but like you, I have to honestly question myself about how much I believe in it….& to convince myself that YES I DO believe in myself & in life!
I’ve been applying for jobs online for months now….but, seriously: how many people want to hire a 66yo woman who hasn’t had a “job” since 1976 (when I took up my artwork full-time). So yesterday I went to an in-person interview for a restaurant hostess job—after all i had Playboy training & 10 yrs of upscale restaurant experience…BUT IN THE 60s & 70s!! It was horrible. I was just awful. Instead of telling them how good I’d be at the job, I kept APOLOGIZING for not having had a job in 35 yrs! I was so embarrassed at my inability to present myself confidently, that I just fled from probly the shortest interview ever!
….& yes, Gem, I know it’s because of the same thing you expressed:
“The pining is over but the thoughts are there constantly, I am empty inside I look in the mirror and see an old ugly person (even though people compliment on my youthful looks). I am still vibrant to the outside world but inside I am dead.” And, as SueK talked about, my “permanently sad & angry face”. I don’t know if that’s what other people see, or if it’s just the way I feel that I MUST look, since that’s the way I feel inside.
It’s all but destroyed my already-unsteady sense of self-confidence! I don’t feel attractive any more—my body looks great (if you don’t glimpse the suddenly saggy skin on my arms….arghhh), but I’m so paranoid that my inner turmoil is showing in my face. I’m so paranoid that my inner turmoil is audible in my voice & that the things I say are tinged by the sadness, bitterness, depression & loss that’s so dominant in my psyche. And so I’m not only obsessed by the constantly repeating thots about what happened between J & me & the lies & betrayal & lies & abandonment & the lies & what & why brot me to this place: I’m also obsessed by constantly 2nd-guessing everything I’ve just said to people! I’d always been known for my personality & sense of humor & intelligence, & now I feel like the village idiot. And I’m so concerned about it—so frickin paranoid—that I can feel it tripping me up in all my exchanges, even with BFFs & family!
So THAT’S what THE BETRAYAL did to me. I don’t meet that many new people, especially new men, so I don’t have any occasion to mistrust others’ motives or to wonder if they’re going to betray me. I don’t trust MYSELF anymore! I didn’t have a Great sense of self-worth when I met J, but I felt like I’d done fairly well in my life, in spite of my rotten childhood….And so for 8 yrs, he constantly reassured me of how perfect I was, how much more lovable & likable than other women, such a perfect companion. And then he walked out & turned around to reiterate again & again what an unlovable & unlikable person I was….that “not one day in the past 3 yrs had been good enough” for him.
OMG. I was just going along, being who I am, thinking life was good & about to get better & better as he was about to finally hit success in his work & we’d be living our dream in Mexico….& I’m told that none of it was true. That’s what the betrayal did to me. So the meaning I’m trying to find is the same Oxy quoted from Frankl: I’m trying to find new meaning in my life starting with new meaning in who I am. As you’ve all said, it’s not easy, it’s not fun, in fact it’s HeLL…..but it has to be done. And one of these days I’ll look back at where I’ve come to & realize that this period of time was probly one of the most vital periods in my life. At least that’s my hope & my prayer.
Donna — This is an excellent article, helping people understand how to find meaning from any difficult life experience.
The power of emotional healing is very real. It (not just intellectual awareness) shifts our psychological DNA at levels that can truly transform us. How we get from point A to Z is not easy, but it is a truly incredible process. Amazing and awesome, this access to invisible resources (God, universal love, etc.) that provide assistance in our ongoing personal growth is both humbling and empowering.
Profound stuff, with potential for much joy to emerge at the end of painful experience. I have been privileged to witness such healing and growth in other people. And I am so grateful for my own journey of ongoing healing from family-of-origin issues (having grown up in a family damaged by abuse and alcoholism) as well as subsequent encounters with pathological narcissists, both professionally and personally.
For these and other reasons, as seems to be the case with OxDrover, “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Frankl is one of my favorite books.
Sherry winter,
YOU ARE NOT “STUCK WITH” who you are now, you can experience joy again…but you must BELIEVE YOU CAN. As long as you think you are “stuck with yourself” where you are now, you will make that very thing come true, be true.
I have been in the “stuck” phase time and time again, and crawl out and then fall back into the pit of stuck again, but keep on crawling out of the pit, do not think you can’t get out. DO NOT GIVE UP at “stuck”!!!!!
Fallling back is part of the “process” but eventually you can and will get out if you keep on working on it and BELIEVE you can.
Fannie, yea, great book, huh? It turned me around and started me on the journey that led to LF and to healing.
Dear Yes, YEPPERS, THAT IS IT!!! But next time you will do better at the job interview….this was just a trial and you will make it next time! As for the wrinkles and such, you know, I saw Ann Margaret on the TV the other day and she has had so much plastic surgery—BAAAADDDD plastic surgery, I might add, that you know, I’d rather have my authentic wrinkles than her “melted Barbie Doll” plastic looks. LOL So churp up chickie! Put on your bouncy hair and go get’em at the next job! ((((hugs))))
When my life as I knew it, blew up in my face, I immediately began seeing a therapist. After a few sessions of hearing my story (but, not nearly all . . . because even then I was still in the dark as to the lies and deceptions), I asked my therapist, “Why did this happen?” Because I’m one of those people who genuinely believes that all things happen for a reason.
I asked this simple question, because this time I was stuck . . I could see no reason why it happened to me. Because in my heart of hearts, I believed I did everything “right.” I did everything you do for a person you love, for a marriage, for a family. I did everything that God expected of me, that my marriage vows said I should. I gave up my career for him, I moved for him, I raised the kids alone for him, I took care of the house/finances for him, I was the pretty wife on his arm for him. So if everything that I did was for HIM, then why then would he leave me?
My therapist’s response was rather simple and it hit home big-time . . . “Because God was protecting YOU. He saw you were in a bad situation and you were never going to get yourself out, so HE got you out.”
Wow! it was powerful stuff . . . because that was the first time I saw that maybe someone was looking out for ME, and not me looking out for the other person.
I am trying to find meaning in it…. but when I realized he PLANNED this and was “working it” behind my back for months I wanted to die! That loss of innocence, trust, and the overwhelming unbelief that evil is THAT EVIL!!
BUT: I can’t find meaning in losing my children and Grandchildren to his lies.
How would you ever find meaning in that??????????
I was married to a Psyco man who I was his “image” and “mother” for 29 years,but I raised a beautiful family. I poured my life into them. Cookies out of the oven in the afternoon for the smell…..field trips, hmeschooled, We became missionaries while husband would not tell me what was causing my colitis, panic attacks, anger….I knew there was something wrong! But I was always told …nothing!! !! So smile some more and pray that God “heals” your husband. My “rage turned to numbness” and I died a slow death married to him. I thought we were to “lay down our lives for our friends” and I took it literally!!!!….. until i died spirtually, emotionally and in every way. I was 110 lbs. and had huge sores in my mouth and throat and Mono-like symptoms. Just today I learned that was probably the toxins generated through stress leaving my body through open welts in my mouth. I sat in a chair in the backyard. Numb. Then his double-life came open, Porn addiction, leaving for 3 nights at time…. lies, money gone, terrible abuse!! I divorced him but still loved him. Thought it was best for my children. I built a business, healed. Prayed. Thought I knew the signs of abuse to look for…..Then i met Satan himself.
He makes my first husband look like a walk in the park! He deliberately takes anything and everything that means anything to me. Poisoned my kitty that I loved and now it is brain-damaged and mean. He convinced my children that my responses to my first Psyco husband were really that I WAS CRAZY,that there was NOTHING wrong with that husband. It was all me!! Even after 15 marriage councelors, a Dr. that diagnosed him pathological, he stole 100,000 dollars from me. etc. But he convinced them that the first hubby was fine and I am the one with the problem. Ladies…I did not even fight, raise my voice…I would take 2 weeks to think about how I would approach him on a subject because of his rage!!!
…but my RESPONSES to the lies when you are believing them and rallying all your strength and doing everything for them….. and then the rug would be pulled out again….and they #$@.......% with your mind!!!! The SHOCK, HORROR, UNBELIEF, CONFUSION….. they were responses. I did not cause what happened. I was too busy being Mom and wife, and Missionary, and everything else everyone needed.
So, my precious childen were told that these things were happening in my marriage to Satan as well behind their back,….which is a lie!!! I loved him, cherished him and would do nothing to cross him….. When I did cross him once. He went to all their homes crying about how he loves me, and is sooo worried about me but that I show all the signs of BPD. He bought books and underlined them and gave them to friends and family. Emails showed he was spreading these lies for months while I was trying to be the best wife in the world. One way to my face…another to my back. We were only married 10 months! It was all a game to him. Control. Manipulation. Destruction. Lies. We were pawns in his game, while I was believing in a future……and nearly worshipping him!!
So….my children began to believe this “wise, caring, man who cries for their Mom…but just can’t help her” Who is so believable he could sell ice to an eskimo!!
So, I am trying to heal from the realization of the evil, and what he truly was. But, then, and so much worse is ………the loss of my daughters and Grandchildren. “He told them to cut me off and protect my Grandbabies from me.” It’s almost a year now…….
I do not believe there is sense is losing your life’s work, love, devotion and treasures ( your babies) to lies. You know what…. I had natural childbirth for 4 children because I didn’t want anything “bad” to get into them. But I brought this Demon into our family, and they were so nieve, gullible and vulnerable they belived him!!!
I hope heal from him. Learn. Let God use it for others. At least, that’s what I tell myself……
But I can’t heal from knowing that I am me…the same loving Mom that gave her life for them, and they won’t even look in my eyes to see it for themselves!!! Everyday is robbed from me!!! Mornings are a slap in the face.
So, I understand. Nothing matters when every person you have ever loved is ripped from your arms. When you have kisses and hugs, and prayers that go up to heaven every minute of everyday….and they are believing you are crazy.
Even Job had 3 friends! I have 2 sisters in another state….and a 16 year old son. I am serious, that’s all that’s left of a huge influence of people over my life!!!
But nothing takes the place of your daughters and precious grandchildren. I walk around dead. I got a job. but i only exist after him……
if there ever is an “after him”…… he lives 3 states away and I have caught him stalking me 2 out of the last 3 weekends. That’s a 10 hour drive!! Yesterday he stalked the people I work with to 4 places and finally they helped me call the police to make a report, with them as witnesses. As he was parked not even 30 ft. from the front door of my work, where i am in an office alone.
I have lost my abilty to feel “scared”. I almost wish he would just get it over with….but that would be too easy. He likes to see me die a slow, lonely death instead.
Thanks for listening…… hugs. and thank you, your posts are so helpful!!!