By ErinBrock
One thing we see over and over from the fallout of a sociopathic relationship is destroyed self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Lacking self-esteem and confidence leads to overlooking behaviors and having a hard time making firm decisions for ourselves.
Destroyed self-esteem makes it difficult some days to even get out of bed, let alone get out of the house and participate in life. It’s hard to plan for meals, school lunches, kid activities, legal angles, financial support and moving forward. We want to hide under the covers and make it all go away.
Okay yes, and justifiably so. BUT ”¦ if we want to get “somewhere,” we must first find our adamant.
Adamant describes a beautiful diamond—very hard, crystalline carbon, impenetrable, impregnable, unshakeable and unyielding. It is a valuable gem.
We must learn to find the gem we all possess ”¦”¦ our valuable adamant.
We must commit to being adamant and NOT allowing destruction. We must be adamant about taking back our souls from a sociopath, protecting our children, our assets and our futures. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We must be adamant about this!
We all possess adamant; we were gifted this beautiful gem at birth. We put it away for the sociopath. Dig it out and reconnect; keep it close and feel it!
Once we find our adamant, we can move forward with a dedicated, “hell hath no fury” attitude. We discover things inside of ourselves we never thought we were capable of. We learn how much power we have over our lives and how much we can change things we don’t like or agree with.
WHY? Because we are adamant!
Adamant is an important and powerful feeling. It’s the empowerment we need to proceed into a custody battle, a divorce with a sociopath, or a family member’s betrayal.
There is no other word that has the same feeling or empowerment attached as adamant.
I asked my kids about what they knew about the word adamant. They responded, “when Moms adamant, don’t try to change her mind, it will never work.”
This led into a great, humor-filled chat. Jr. asked to borrow my car for a long distance drive. He stated his reasons. I said, “I’m sorry, but no.”
He persisted. I looked at him and said, “Jr. ”¦ I’m adamant ”¦ NO!”
He said, “Mom, I’m adamant. I need your car.”
I then explained to Jr. adamant is NOT the same as pushy, persistent, manipulative or convincing. Adamant means there are NO negotiations involved. The buck stops with adamant. Done. Period!
Jr. smiled and went on his way; he understood there was nowhere left to go, mom was adamant.
Once we find our adamant and team it up with tenacity, strength and courage ”¦”¦ we become a strong force. We can pull on our adamant and make strong dedicated decisions, and move forward with confidence.
Adamant is personal, spiritual, professional and human. Adamant encompasses our whole being, once we find it.
Once we find our adamant, we are no longer the victim and we become the survivor, the gems we always were ”¦ finally unearthed and empowered, impenetrable and unshakeable!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Eb – i thought for a few years that i might be an eyore. but i found out a few years ago, that i am def a tigger at heart. now i want my bounce back.
kim frederick
One-step, LOL. Ain’t that the truth. The eyore in me comiserates with the Eyore in you. But I’m with you, I’m cultivating Tiggerism. Be one with the Tigger. Become the Tigger! Great mantra.
I always loved Daffy-Duck, too. No matter how indignant he was: how hard he shook his fist; or how far he slung spit from his LISP, demanding justice for himself…his bill invariably fell off! No pomp and circumstance, for no real aparent reason, it just fell on to the ground at his feet with a soft “plop” and he’d be standing there, staring down at it, wondering WTF?
I LOVE DAFFY.
Ox Drover
Dear Kim,
Can’t get on the longer treads, (computer problems) but just wanted to tell you I’m rootin’ for you!!! keep on keepin’ on!!! (((hugs))) and my prayers!!!!
kim frederick
Thanks, Dear Oxy. Your friendship means a lot to me.
Ox Drover
Ditto, Kimmie, and I want you to know I am 110% behind you (never mind that I have a big skillet hidden behind my back, “this is hurting me more than it is you!” @ LOL and a big HUG!!! We can get through ANYTHING together!!! Love Fraud is is an ARMY!!!!! of friend!!!!
tami
I read this article the first of this week and the morning right after having a long discussion with my husband about how much I hated myself. I have been divorced from my ex S/P/N for nearly 4 years now and find that I still allow what he did to me to affect my self-esteem. I am married to a wonderful man now who was also married to a diagnosed sociopath so he has a great deal of understanding as to what I endured.
Some of you are familiar with my story. My ex was leading a double life as a chronic cheater, would not work, used MY money to treat his women with, and managed to convince me to buy him anything he wanted. I was his “soul mate” for nearly 8 years…the love of his life. He was the perfect husband in my presence. You all know the drill. Anyway, he got up loving me one morning and later in the afternoon suddenly told me that he was leaving me for a woman 18 years my junior. After he made his announcement, he turned into someone that I did not know at all.
He cheated on her with multiple women just as he did me, convinced her it was her fault and then she married him. She’s a beautiful girl with a good job. He still doesn’t work. However, I find myself straying to her Facebook page from time to time and I see that she’s treated him to a cruise, how great she looks in a bikini and wonder why SHE can’t see what he is doing to her. He’s robbing her of her youth as he did me. She’s blowing up her credit cards buying him expensive clothes and gifts just as I did. My logic tells me to thank my lucky stars that it’s HER instead of me. However, I just can’t manage to feel good about myself because she’s still so young and pretty. I’m an attractive woman or so I’m often told but I’m 50 and she’s 32. Why do I allow my vanity to continue to play such a huge role in this? My husband and I are the same age and he compliments me all the time. So, why do I see an old hag when I look in the mirror? I was never concerned about my age nor my looks until I was victimized by a sociopath. No, I have never wanted him back after what I learned about him AFTER he left but I still somehow feel like damaged goods.
Ox Drover
Dear Tami,
Glad to see you back.
I can relate to you feeling “old” and “damaged goods” I will be 64 in a couple of months and I sure don’t look like I did at 30 or 40 or even 50, but I have come to love the skin I am in. AND not compare myself to younger women etc.
First, let me ask you a question. Do you have any friends that are morbidly obese or are very elderly? If so, what is it about these people that makes you like/love them? Is it their great good looks and looking young and “hot”? Of course not! So what makes you think that you SHOULD look “young” and “youthful” forever in order to be OK?
It isn’t a LOGICAL THING, it is an emotional thing, and I think this means that you have got some EMOTIONAL HEALING TO DO YET.
First off, STOP going to her face book page, that is CONTACT, and every time we break NC it re-injures us, brings back those feelings of pain. STAY NC.
After my husband died it “dawned” on me that I was no longer “young and beautiful”—and I started to feel “old, fat, undesirable” and “No one will ever love me again”—and then I got hooked up with a psychopathic guy who saw my neediness and he “needed” a respectful wife so it was a perfect match. He needed a victim and I needed to be “loved”!!!!
YOu said “He’s robbing her of her youth as he did me.”
That to me is a telling sentence. First you are feeling the desire or need to rescue her from being “robbed of her youth” and you STILL feel ROBBED of your youth.
Darling you can’t save her from him “robbing her of her youth” any more than you can go back in time and “save yourself.”
My “youth” is gone as well, but I still have a lot of living to do and whether or not I am happy depends on ME not on what I LOOK like at 63-4 it depends on who I am INSIDE.
A friend of mine years ago said “we need to pick our lovers by their personality, because in the end, we all end up looking like YODA” and you know, that’s true, if we live long enough! Outside LOOKS are NOT who we are.
You are a lot more than a 52 year old body–enjoy that body even if it isn’t 20 or 30—it is yours! LIVE every day, tami, and work on healing yourself and “forget” about saving her or seeing what he is up to! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
hens
It would of been better if the spath had been older and uglier than me, but he was 12 years younger..big mistake for anyone with self esteem issues to begin with..lesson learned…as far as the new victim’s they get what they need, a life lesson – as for the bikini girl she’s gettin what she’s paying for – been there done that..
holly
First of all I would like to say thank you to everyone and their encouraging comments. It is nice to know that there is a safe place out there where people can go can get support for what they are going through.
Wednesday was the day that I left my SP. I am not married to him, but I have been dating him for 10 months. Right now he is away on a business trip, so that makes it a little bit easier knowing that I will not see him or run into him. This was much more difficult than I ever imagined. I have experienced every emotion in the book over the last few days, and right now I am just numb. I go through bouts where I feel weak and want to call him or text him.
I also find my self missing him, but I have found it helpful to write things down that he has done to me. I printed out the signs of a SP and I was able to find examples for all of the different categories. It helps to go back and read that.
I think what hurts the most is knowing that he does not care about me and he will just move on to the next victim and start all over again.
Thank you for all of the kinds comments and thoughts.
tami
Oxy, what would this board do without your wisdom? Not saying that everyone else here isn’t wise but you always manage to put things into perspective. You are SO very correct about my older friends. I actually ADMIRE them much more than my younger friends simply for their wisdom. Thank you! I’ll write more later.