By ErinBrock
One thing we see over and over from the fallout of a sociopathic relationship is destroyed self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Lacking self-esteem and confidence leads to overlooking behaviors and having a hard time making firm decisions for ourselves.
Destroyed self-esteem makes it difficult some days to even get out of bed, let alone get out of the house and participate in life. It’s hard to plan for meals, school lunches, kid activities, legal angles, financial support and moving forward. We want to hide under the covers and make it all go away.
Okay yes, and justifiably so. BUT ”¦ if we want to get “somewhere,” we must first find our adamant.
Adamant describes a beautiful diamond—very hard, crystalline carbon, impenetrable, impregnable, unshakeable and unyielding. It is a valuable gem.
We must learn to find the gem we all possess ”¦”¦ our valuable adamant.
We must commit to being adamant and NOT allowing destruction. We must be adamant about taking back our souls from a sociopath, protecting our children, our assets and our futures. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We must be adamant about this!
We all possess adamant; we were gifted this beautiful gem at birth. We put it away for the sociopath. Dig it out and reconnect; keep it close and feel it!
Once we find our adamant, we can move forward with a dedicated, “hell hath no fury” attitude. We discover things inside of ourselves we never thought we were capable of. We learn how much power we have over our lives and how much we can change things we don’t like or agree with.
WHY? Because we are adamant!
Adamant is an important and powerful feeling. It’s the empowerment we need to proceed into a custody battle, a divorce with a sociopath, or a family member’s betrayal.
There is no other word that has the same feeling or empowerment attached as adamant.
I asked my kids about what they knew about the word adamant. They responded, “when Moms adamant, don’t try to change her mind, it will never work.”
This led into a great, humor-filled chat. Jr. asked to borrow my car for a long distance drive. He stated his reasons. I said, “I’m sorry, but no.”
He persisted. I looked at him and said, “Jr. ”¦ I’m adamant ”¦ NO!”
He said, “Mom, I’m adamant. I need your car.”
I then explained to Jr. adamant is NOT the same as pushy, persistent, manipulative or convincing. Adamant means there are NO negotiations involved. The buck stops with adamant. Done. Period!
Jr. smiled and went on his way; he understood there was nowhere left to go, mom was adamant.
Once we find our adamant and team it up with tenacity, strength and courage ”¦”¦ we become a strong force. We can pull on our adamant and make strong dedicated decisions, and move forward with confidence.
Adamant is personal, spiritual, professional and human. Adamant encompasses our whole being, once we find it.
Once we find our adamant, we are no longer the victim and we become the survivor, the gems we always were ”¦ finally unearthed and empowered, impenetrable and unshakeable!
Thank you for this article. I have been reading here for some time, but this article moved me to register so I could post and thank you.
I am told that there is this special adamant within me, and all I need to do is discover it. I suppose, bit by bit, I will, but I am having a tough time.
Dear 1day@atime,
Welcome, glad that you felt moved to post. It is TOUGH, but it does get easier (some days at least!) This is a great site and lots of support! Again, welcome! God bless.
1day@atime, hello !! Nice to meet you here in cyberspace! I thought this was a good article too. Yes, bit by bit… we do get better, I am adamant that I am going to be just fine!! I think I gave my power away for too long, it’s all for me now!
1dayatatime:
I am so glad my article inspired you to register. You DO have adamant inside you…..it is only a ‘switch’ we need to flip.
The switch is the emotions…..the ‘I”VE HAD ENOUGH” feeling…..and wanting/making change.
I’ve often referred to it as my ‘fark you’ attitude……but found a better word to describe it…..ADAMANT!
Decide you want better for yourself……MAKE IT HAPPEN!
It warms my heart to know what I wrote brought you to ‘join’ us. What a gift. Thank you!
LF is a wonderful place…..with support, information, and a hand to hold onto during the tough times.
Welcome, welcome.
XXOO
EB
ErinBrock and others who replied: Very nice article. Thanks. I am finding my adamant. I would add that along with low self-esteem, I suffer from learned helplessness, a symptom of PTSD I have un-knowingly experienced since childhood.
I have filed in federal court but am waiting for my IFP approval. I have an annulment of the marriage pending in my county too. I am tenacious, and I refuse to be anyone’s victim anymore. And I will do all that I am able to correct some wrongs. This monster who conned his way into my life isn’t the only person who has rendered me feeling helpless and unable to function. When the people who are supposed to be helping lie and abuse their positions of power it produces the learned helplessness as well. All of you who are keeping going are an encouragement to me when I feel like giving up. This guy has lied enough in court documents that if I can find the strength, I can use it all. It is tedious and I have so much else to do, like help raise my grandchildren and keeping the house! But I will do the best I can. Right is right and it is supposed to be might, as the saying goes.
Wow, EB! I’m going to add my thanks to all the others for a Strong A** post! I had been too down, too confused to come back to LF for a few days, & was missing you all…But when I saw the LF email “Finding our ADAMANT” this morning, I Knew I had to come back today!!
Everything you said was so right on, starting with talking about our destroyed self-esteem & confidence in the wake of a SP, & you said it in just the right way (the “I’ve got my boots on” way). and then what immediately struck me was your saying “if we want to get *somewhere*, we have to find our adamant.” I had just emailed to a dear friend from my SundaySchool class yesterday saying,
“I so badly want to Do Something, & to get SomeWhere—whatever I need to do—wherever God wants me to go, but I just keep running into more & more obstacles, which make it even harder for me to lift out of my depression & Do Something that’ll get me SomeWhere!”
I’ll tell you, Dani, that when I wrote that I was right where you were for a few days “having a shyte couple of days with the inner self worth demons!” Just second-guessing myself like crazy, wanting to condemn myself for all my personal*sins*, all my faults, for any & all of the things he accused me of After He Left, trying Again to take the blame for his desertion—-Even Knowing how J betrayed & deceived me with her for 4 yrs & then ruthlessly abandoned me just as all his promises of a beautiful future were within reach, he married her & she entered the “promised land” with him. Surely, I thot, I must’ve been denied that promise because I just wasn’t a good person, not a loving woman, not lovable enough in all my “awfulness!”
I was So down on myself that I’d been crying all day.
And then, *something* prompted me to get off my butt & go look for that heater in the shed/lab. While moving things around, I noticed his red duffel bag he’d left here (which he was going to get, along with the rest of his things, when his lackeys came to clean out his lab). I thot maybe there were clothes in there that my son might want, so I dug into the bag. And there, buried on the bottom, was a plastic bag of papers in file folders.
There were her financial records & the documents which linked him with her all the way back to 1992! (when she was 27 & he was 35) They hadn’t been together then—they were both married–but they’d been in contact off & on all those years. Of course he lost touch with her while he was in prison 04-06, but yeah, they’d hooked right back up as soon as he got out. Well, I knew that part, but, even tho he hinted at it in his final letter to me in August, I didn’t absolutely know that their involvement went back that far. And her financial records?
OMG. I knew she was wealthy, from a wealthy family, but when I saw her bank & $mkt accounts totaling over $200,000 *currently* (& that doesn’t include her properties!)….well, the blaming myself for just not being lovable enough flew off my head like a hat in a high wind!
And, suddenly, I was ADAMANT! I know we’d all been saying that only a sociopath could balance concurrent serious relationships with 2 women for 4yrs, with that skill & efficiency! Surely, I kept arguing with myself, his relationship with her Couldn’t have been that serious for that long because he was so nurturing, kind, & caring, so I Must’ve been to blame for his leaving. WRONG. It was that serious, & it was that desirable for him—a wealthy woman 15 yrs younger than I, whose family businesses were in his field,(energy, oil, environment), & who already had a home in Mexico—but, for his business reasons, he had had to stay here with me until he was able to move his work to Mexico!
He played me so deftly for 8 years. Just unbelievable, for people who’ve never been involved with a SP…..but here at LF, it’s just one more story we recognize & relate to, but with different details & varied scenarios. We all know that person, & we all share the trauma of their destruction in our lives…..and now we have a new word, a powerful new battle cry: ADAMANT! We can be ADAMANT, we will be ADAMANT, we will NOT be pitiful victims….we are ADAMANT & we are STRONG!
1day@aTime, welcome to LF, darlin….you’ve come to the right place. And, Dani, you said it, “I really needed to read this today!” We all needed to find our ADAMANT!
Thank you, thank you, EB for this inspiring post! Huzzahs!
From the DailyDoseOf Gratitude—-healing & helping words of wisdom to take with us on our journeys to purposeful, ADAMANT Living:
*”Take a moment to stop and think about what you give to the people and life around you. Don’t think about what you’re not doing right. Look instead at all you do that is a blessing. Many of us continually beat ourselves up for not doing or being enough. But imagine for a moment that you are great just as you are. Feel the relief this brings! Now open to the possibility that this is not a daydream. It’s true! Believe it! (Source)”*
*”We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice. (Pema Chodron, from her book, The Places That Scare You)”*
*”Take a moment to step out of the “turmoil” and see beyond the present situation as it is presenting itself to you. Always remember to look beyond what you see with your physical eyes and see from the highest viewpoint that you can attain. Do not get stuck in what you perceive to be “problems” and their relationship to your life as Spirit. The challenges that present themselves to you on a daily basis are not to be looked upon as “bad” things but opportunities for growth. Be grateful for these lessons and allow them to move through your life constantly.
Adopt an attitude of gratitude for the gift of being present during these momentous times on the planet. Release all that does not resonate with the beauty of this life you lead. Cleanse your Self of any unwanted beliefs or attitudes that hinder your own personal growth and acceptance of life as it is at this moment. The expression of the energies of gratitude, peace and joy, at all times, will undoubtedly assist in magically dispelling any turmoil in your life now. (Katrice on Kauai)”*
PS Gemini, thanks for the great post about the roots of “adamant” in Adam Cadmon, & its organic quality. Cool thots!
Whyme,
“and suddenly, I was ADAMANT”.
That’s exactly how we find it…..SUDDENLY……we don’t ‘work’ up to adamant……be find it suddenly.
“working’ up to adamant still leaves room for negotiations….room to wiggle, change our minds……ADAMANT IS THE END EMOTION! PERIOD!
ADAMANT!
One minute we can be ‘worked’…..the next we are adamant we are DONE, we will rise, we will succeed! PERIOD!
You sound so great in your post Whyme……I am so pleased to hear your adamant!
Hestian:
You have found your adamant too……Keep moving in the ‘right’ direction……it WILL lead somewhere, because you are adamant to MAKE it lead somewhere.
NEVER give up……keep your eye on the ‘prize’, and don’t stop until YOU are satisfied.
This is just so wonderful to hear……strong, yet hurting people moving in the right direction of healing…..
TOWANDA TO ALL!
XXOO
EB
After a life filled with abuse from childhood up until recently, I have been blessed with a true sense of self worth. It was a long fought-for commodity and my freedom and self expression are the most guarded of properties.
People have remarked that I was like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes after this bigamy experience. Three years have passed since I threw him out and I am still excited about what life has in store for me. I think I am proud that I survived.
Glad to focus on all the good things that I have left and the life that lies before me. Things could have been so different. everyday I have now is a gift! Even the little things are appreciated. When you come so close to death…….everything changes. Sorry to spoil the well laid out plans of evil people but I am alive and kicking and making plans for new experiences. Trying my hand at painting, writing and photography fill my mind as well as running my business.
Moving on with your life IS the only choice if you are to be whole. However,I still have a court case to go through,I still have a heart for the Lobby Group for Marriage and Divorce Records, and I still leave the web site up and running. These are programs that run in the background while I go about living out my life.
The striking thing about my new life is I can laugh and joke with people while I educate them about the crime of “Bigamy as Fraud”. Bigamy is NOT talked about and it’s time that it came out of the closet. People are stunned at the numbers of cases out there and most go unreported because the victims feel “shame”. Asking attorneys how many cases of Bigamy as Fraud they see in a year is a real eye opener. They will tell you the people keep quiet. I WILL NOT keep quiet. If more spoke out, the public might begin to understand why we need a National Database. “Mr Smooth” may be the catalyst that moves me to do better things with my life, If, I allow it.
Embarking on altruistic endeavors is not “remaining engaged” with “whomever”. It is moving forward with new knowledge that has led one on a new path. A good path. The “whomever” will continue to “do” what they “do”. Crimes,manipulation,etc. No one can stop them from hurting another person. You have to make peace with the fact that you CAN”T devote your life to stopping them from interacting with others. It’s hopeless. Even if locked up in an orange suite…they will still con and hurt others. Living your life FREE is the only sensible conclusion to this whole mess. How one defines that will be constantly debated.
Adamant is definately the right word to use when describing the person that is leaving a sociopath. My spath was very difficult to leave. He broke in my house, I had him arrested for criminal trespass; he called and txt’d constantly, I didn’t respond. My kids and I continue to be bombarded with invites to dinner, shopping trips, amusement parks, and requests to come to the kids games. Adamant is the word. I expected the spath to be difficult to leave but when does it end? I continue to ignore but now I am considering a restraining order or a charge of harrasment.
Girls you have got to have a thick skin when your with them and even when you leave them. You have to be willing to go all the way with them. Be prepared to file charges, buy some sort of protection, change your locks, change your number, do what you have to. The only way to communicate with spaths is through consequences, if it shakes up their world enough then they will leave it alone.