By ErinBrock
One thing we see over and over from the fallout of a sociopathic relationship is destroyed self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Lacking self-esteem and confidence leads to overlooking behaviors and having a hard time making firm decisions for ourselves.
Destroyed self-esteem makes it difficult some days to even get out of bed, let alone get out of the house and participate in life. It’s hard to plan for meals, school lunches, kid activities, legal angles, financial support and moving forward. We want to hide under the covers and make it all go away.
Okay yes, and justifiably so. BUT ”¦ if we want to get “somewhere,” we must first find our adamant.
Adamant describes a beautiful diamond—very hard, crystalline carbon, impenetrable, impregnable, unshakeable and unyielding. It is a valuable gem.
We must learn to find the gem we all possess ”¦”¦ our valuable adamant.
We must commit to being adamant and NOT allowing destruction. We must be adamant about taking back our souls from a sociopath, protecting our children, our assets and our futures. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We must be adamant about this!
We all possess adamant; we were gifted this beautiful gem at birth. We put it away for the sociopath. Dig it out and reconnect; keep it close and feel it!
Once we find our adamant, we can move forward with a dedicated, “hell hath no fury” attitude. We discover things inside of ourselves we never thought we were capable of. We learn how much power we have over our lives and how much we can change things we don’t like or agree with.
WHY? Because we are adamant!
Adamant is an important and powerful feeling. It’s the empowerment we need to proceed into a custody battle, a divorce with a sociopath, or a family member’s betrayal.
There is no other word that has the same feeling or empowerment attached as adamant.
I asked my kids about what they knew about the word adamant. They responded, “when Moms adamant, don’t try to change her mind, it will never work.”
This led into a great, humor-filled chat. Jr. asked to borrow my car for a long distance drive. He stated his reasons. I said, “I’m sorry, but no.”
He persisted. I looked at him and said, “Jr. ”¦ I’m adamant ”¦ NO!”
He said, “Mom, I’m adamant. I need your car.”
I then explained to Jr. adamant is NOT the same as pushy, persistent, manipulative or convincing. Adamant means there are NO negotiations involved. The buck stops with adamant. Done. Period!
Jr. smiled and went on his way; he understood there was nowhere left to go, mom was adamant.
Once we find our adamant and team it up with tenacity, strength and courage ”¦”¦ we become a strong force. We can pull on our adamant and make strong dedicated decisions, and move forward with confidence.
Adamant is personal, spiritual, professional and human. Adamant encompasses our whole being, once we find it.
Once we find our adamant, we are no longer the victim and we become the survivor, the gems we always were ”¦ finally unearthed and empowered, impenetrable and unshakeable!
Dear Hestian,
I clicked on your name (in red) and went to the site you are connected with. VERY INTERESTING!
Susan Murphy’s site is linked to mine on FB, a friend of mine is a close personal friend of hers! She’s a great gal I’ve heard!
It is very frustrating when anyone with a criminal VIOLENCE crime gets off with a slap on the wrist! Or the DA won’t even prosecute! The way the DAs are set up, you could have a VIDEO of a person killing a child and if the DA decides not to prosecute, there is no one who can make them!
One of our posters here Silvermoon had a bigmy case and her DA refused to prosecute, said “If he had two wives, he’s already been punished enough!” How is THAT for more abuse???
Anyway, glad you’re here! Keep up the fight!
Shojo, also glad you are here at LF, good post! God bless!
Dear I married Maurice,
I tried to get your site to load and it wouldn’t load it kept saying I needed some “plug ins” so not sure what was going on. Looks like from what little I could see of the opening statement and photo you have been married to a bigamist!
Welcome to LF, glad you are here! Sorry that you have reason to “join our club” but sounds also like you are going about your life after being involved with a psychopath.
Again, welcome!
I was with a sociopath for years and was warned by his sister in law to stay away since he had issues. Do not let this man move in with you, do not marry him, do not buy a house with him, etc. But, I did not listen. He had a pathetic passion for pornography and had a profile of himself and even took naked pictures of himself in my home to post (he said my place was nicer looking). It took a long time to break free. His sister in law said that the only way to break free is to get him to hate you – which I did. I am on the road to recovery and dating a very nice man. This sicko is now on Plenty of Fish dating site, lying already about himself and I hope his next victim gets away quick. He is about to lose his job and looking for a “Fish” to hook into… Beware ladies of Ray from Plainfield, NJ.
Dear Czarinamom,
Glad you have broken free! Glad you also found LF, there’s lots of great information to help us heal and to learn to “spot’em in the wild”! Again, welcome! God bless.
Dear Czarinamom-my ex spath was also into internet porn. Well, not into so much as ADDICTED! One day, when he was supposed to be watching our 2 year old daughter while I went to the gym, I came hoome to find m house a complete and utter disaster (2year old got into everything-he obviously wasn’t playing with her) and found the tripod set up in the hallway. I saw, by accident!, about four naked pics of him. he flew to theh computer to close the screen. I said what is THAT? he said he was taking “before and after pictures” of himself as he was “training” for a biking thing he was doing. He then said “If you tell anyone I will KILL you”. I just was mortified. (Later I did get to embarass him with it, but now realize that only fueled his anger and need for vengenace towards me) At that time I believed him but thought it was weird as no one else was training for this thing. (And his muscles and body never changed at all). I understand now that he most likely was posting his pics to someone or some site or some porn thing. UGH!
Well! OMFG. I knew J was a creep, & was almost convinced that he’s truly a sociopath, but I’ve seen it all in black & white today!! I was going page-by-page thru the 3″ of financial & other docs I found yesterday…..I was still looking for that ONE personal correspondence between him & her. I just had to see it to make myself believe that he was totally false the whole time, & that I had no blame to shoulder.
And there it was. One stray piece of paper, one little copy of one email exchange, dated 12/06—-6 months after he came “home” from prison.
She had written to him, offering all kinds of $$help, & apparently they’d already *consummated their love* by then, judging by the tone & the words they used. And he replied, saying,
“Of course I need stuff, like decent shoes….I’m living in a pair of sneakers from my son & I get by with what I’ve got.
C would rather buy stimulants than take care of the basics. I even missed one restitution payment because of an automatic check withdrawal for face creams==$180 that caused checks to bounce. I had to take the cash from firewood sales [an odd job he AND I were doing to get by after he got “home”] that I had saved for the fine & cover her checks—she’d used the other 100 from her stipend to buy stimulants on the black market. It really causes me massive anxiety to not be on time & correct with the important stuff.”
[*Note: I hadn’t done “stimulants from the black market” in 2 yrs then,& had used them only occasionally in the 2 yrs before that, & was completely physically & emotionally recovered by 2007! And, keep in mind, the term “stimulants from the black market is coming from a man with a Far more extensive drug history than mine…who’d gone to prison for mfg massive amts of Ecstasy!! And I’d never in my life spent $108 on face creams, & Certainly Not when we were barely getting by back then!!]
Then he went on to say,
“I admire your persistence & frankness. I love that about you. You can be delightful, flirty, sexy & very frank & practical at the time. It is a beautifully real & delightful set of attributes in a potential partner.”
Then he gave her my mailing address, saying, “I wish I had a different mailing address….it’s very dangerous to send stuff here for me right now. Use company stationary & business envelopes. Like manilla envelopes.
There is a Western Union here in town. This so soooo embarrassing. Love, J”
We met with our minister 6 months after this, to discuss our wedding plans! And he continued to deal with me & his embarrassing & difficult relationship with this obviously hideously vain drug addict for the next 3 1/2 yrs that he lived with me (in addition to the 2 yrs he’d lived here prior to prison)…nurturing, caring for me & my dog in every way, attending to our every need, going to church with me every week, helping my son & gkids with whatever they needed, & showing his love for me in every way except sex, remember? his “low testosterone” problem!
Bless his heart! What a patient, self-sacrificing, saint of a man, so hard-pressed in his life with me in my home on the river, where he lived without rent or utility payments for 67 months, & where he had his free lab space! He managed to *tolerate* the situation until he & she were totally free of his business constraints & (possibly) her lingering divorce, & he could escape to Mexico with her!
And, you know what? I misspoke earlier when I said her financial worth was a petty $200K—going thru the docs today, I find 5 different $mkt, investment, & bank accts totaling over $700,000!!
Sociopath recovery == ADAMANT! Yall won’t hear me whimpering again about how I wanted to take part of the blame!! #$%***#+
Dear Whyme,
ANGER IS OUR FRIEND!!! Get angry!!! You don’t want to stay that way forever, but for right now!!!! RAGE!!!! VENT!!!! it is perfectly okay and GOOD!!!!
Not only did he know what he was doing to you was wrong, but SHE KNEW TOO—and you know what, she got what she deserved! She allowed him to con her with her eyes open!
She didn’t get a prize—well, yes she DID get a prize—the BOOBY PRIZE!!!!
You are well rid of that piece of trash! CELEBRATE!!!! (((hugs))))
Oxy,
how right you are! You know they always tell ya, “if he’s cheating on her when he met you, he’ll cheat on you, too!”
But you see, she’s a very straight, very fundamentalist Christian, & all he had to do was tell her the most outrageous lies about me to get her sympathy & love & support! A primo SP play! How frickin Obvious was he in the “I can’t take care of my financial responsibilities because I’m stuck here living with a vain, self-centered addict!” And, “I only have this pair of hand-me-down shoes!”
And all the schmoozing he did—-all the “delightful” attributes! F’pete’s sake, he said almost the same exact words to me when we first were together (& even after that–& especially when he was in prison! no surprise there!) I remember the first time we spoke on the phone & he said, “Oh my, your voice is even lovelier than I imagined.” Lemme tell you, I do NOT have the voice of angels! It’s more like “gruff & gravelly”, but not deep enuf to be as cool as a whiskey voice! So, of course, that line got me right away! ….~he said my voice is Lovely~….LOL!
Now I’ve seen the proof: he IS a CREEP, a profound Sociopath, & worse trash than what’s in my dumpster right now! I am Liberated, ladies!! WOOOO HOOOO! Some people don’t understand how hurtful words can be so welcome…..well, they just don’t know how GOOD it feels to be able to out the SP in your life!
But what you said about ANGER being our friend, yeah! It’s like my long-time BFF always says, “Ya gotta get mad before you can get glad.”
Wow is this article timely! This is also my first post, but I have been reading the blog for a week trying to gain strength and courage and understand what in the world happened to me.
I am leaving my SP tomorrow and I will be adamant!
WELCOME Holly!
Glad that tomorrow is your liberation day!!!! Glad you landed here too, sorry you needed to be here, but if you need to be here, this is the best place to be. God bless! KEEP STRONG!!!