Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Truthspeak
Donna, THANK you for posting this invaluable article.
Spaths COUNT on misinformation and blowing things out of proportion, in Real Life. Using social media to further damage is a given. They are counting on their targets to check up on them.
I mentioned this on another thread, but I finally deleted my FB profile. It’s a narcissist’s playground and I don’t buy the bullshit about reconnecting, etc. I’ve “reconnected” with ONE person via FaceTube, and nobody that has insisted that they would miss me when I left has made an effort to contact me, personally. They post their pictures, their outings, their whereabouts at a tavern, and their personal injuries. But, they never ask me if I’m recovering.
I don’t WANT to know about the exspath. The day that I unzipped his nastybag was the day that he ceased to exist as someone of importance to me. I “knew” it, academically. It just took me a few weeks to “get it” about what he’d actually done.
NO CONTACT means just that. None. Nada. And, not in any form – checking profiles or third party contact is STILL contact.
Again, thank you for posting this VERY important article.
Brightest blessings
Ox Drover
I’m glad to see some real DATA and articles for the general public about what WE KNOW is the ONLY WAY to really totally “get over it.” I know there are some people here who are FORCED to have contact with their ex because of “co-parenting” and I also know just HOW MUCH IT HURTS THOSE PARENTS AND THEIR KIDS.
When many people first come out of te relation-shit they seem obscessed with knowiing what is going on…is the new person in the X’s life making them happy etc.
Those of us who are FORCED to deal with the spaths have nothing but triggers from doing so. Even as far along as I am in my own healing, this upcoming parole hearing, and going over all the stuff again…and again…and contacting people and telling them “my story” to get them to help me or write letters to the parole board is wearing on my nerves. I’m “making it” but it does take a toll even on me.
Sometimes even now when I am telling this whole sordid story to someone new,, like I just did this past week to a nice lady at Parents of Murdered Children, I broke down and cried….having contact even THINKING too much about it all can be counter productive to healing.
I hope that thhe “new” people here on LF who are still trying to keep up with what is going on in the life of the spath unless there is danger and they MUST or unless the courts make them, I strongly suggest you don’t “back door stalk” them, even on FB.
God bless.
Truthspeak
OxD, it’s such a temptation to “check up” on the spath AND their new targets – I’ve made lame attempts to find out information, but it has always come at a serious emotional price.
I was trying to find out information about the exspath’s retirement and, through hours of searching, discovered the roster of employees where he works. Like an adolescent busybody, I looked down the roster and discovered that his plaything was a coworker that he had met in his office, some years ago.
Now, this may all seem inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but this knowledge cut me to the core. While the exspath was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, he was also busy juggling his affair with this coworker. It was something that I already “knew,” to an extent: he had relieved me of my personal finances through coercion and forgeries, and he had engaged in a thoroughly repulsive series of extramarital sexual encounters. This was really all I needed to “know.” Knowing more about this whole situation didn’t alter any of the facts, nor did it pay any of the bills that he left me with, nor did it satisfy the mortgage that he ran out on, nor did it pay for my prescribed medications. “Knowing more” about the exspath and his activities did nothing but harm me more, and it was a self-inflicted harm that I did to myself.
It’s been over a year since I discovered what the exspath was, and nearly a year since he left me holding the proverbial bag. Am I still tempted to check up on what he’s doing? Sure, I am. But, I have a tool in my belt that shuts that temptation down, post haste. That is the simple fact that he is a childish, foolish, irresponsible, lying, deceptive twerp that has no ability to provide anything meaningful, even to himself. Whammo……the temptation evaporates, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
And, this whole social networking thing…..people post their photos, the fact that there was corn in their waste, and that they’re “sad today.” When do these people EVER post a direct personal comment on MY page that encourages or “validates” my very existence? When? Uh…..never.
I actually felt much better after I deleted my FB page. Yeah, it’s also a temptation to check up on those people that were “friends” to see if they actually even notice that I’m gone, but who cares in the long run? They certainly don’t, and I have a whole lot more important things to do than to see who’s drinking a Mojito at the local tavern.
It’s all about choices and choosing to set boundaries for myself. I don’t need to know because it’s unimportant in my recovery.
OxD, you’re one heck of an inspiration and recalling your experiences always is a keen reminder of how courage and resolve can take even the most horrific experiences and turn them into growth and healing. Whenever I start feeling REALLY sorry for myself, I think about your experiences (along with so many others’) and it puts things into perspective for me
Brightest blessings
Ox Drover
Truthy, the thing we must keep in mind is what Dr. Viktor Frankl wrote in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” after he got out of the Nazi prison camp with NOTHING left except his life. Family all gone. Home and career gone, friends gone…EVERYTHING gone….Yet, he found meaning.
He said that pain is like a gas. It can be “big” or “small” but it expands or contracts to fit the space it is in. So ALL pain is total pain. Even a baby dropping his passie cries like he has lost the world. He FEELS like he has lost the world. Of course we know he hasn’t but HE FEELS LIKE HE HAS.
Same thing with our losses, they are TOTAL, they are PAINFULLY TOTAL…even if they are “minor” in the grand scheme of things.
So there is no need to feel that your pain is less than my pain, because it wasn’t/isn’t—it is all TOTAL PAIN and LOSS.
But we can realize that like the baby losing his passie—IT AIN’T THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD!
Stargazer
I would think this is a no-brainer, not just for a sociopath but anyone you are breaking ties with. I think if you are on FB, the temptation is always there to check on exes or someone you have a crush on. That’s why I just say no to FB.
Ox Drover
Star, to those of us along a ways in our healing it IS A NO BRAINER…but to people just starting out, still wondering “was it ME?” those people don’t yet know that NO CONTACT is the best way, and that NO contact means no “back door stalking” no allowing mutual “friends” to give you information about them, no contact means NO CONTACT, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NONE!
Louise
Of course it’s a no brainer. But sometimes when we are in the throes of things, we just want to grasp whatever we can even if it means “stalking Facebook.” It’s extremely hard to let go and we all know this.
Stargazer
I wasn’t trying to be condescending in my comment. FB is a temptation for anyone, no matter where they are at in their healing. There are people I honestly don’t want to see or hear from, but when I’ve reactivated my FB account, they pop up as “recommended friends”, and it’s upset me. I think having such a public life takes away so much of your control over who contacts you and who you see and hear about. Even just seeing certain people’s image on FB is traumatizing. I tried FB for a short while but found way more negatives than positives.
Louise
My comment wasn’t targeted at anyone. I was just being general. I am sorry if it was taken that way. No one usually replies to me anymore on here anyway. Just trying to live my life…
Stargazer
No, louise, I wasn’t offended at all – it had just occurred to me that someone might take my comment as condescending because I said it was a no-brainer. I just wanted to clarify that the internet makes it very easy to cyberstalk an ex and it’s tempting for all of us, not just those in early stages of recovery. I’ve googled all my exes over the years, and fortunately none of them seemed to have a FB account, including the spath. I don’t even google him anymore because I really don’t want to know.