Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Interesting Louise,
Spath had the hoarsest voice I ever heard, low and rumbling and hoarse. Almost EVERYBODY made a remark about it the moment they heard it. And his voice was hypnotizing as well.
Sky, exactly… which man would isolate a woman first, and make some remark about the ‘possibility of unsafety’ and then do something non threatening? Same thing as… “Which man proclaims about himself that HE dosn’t hit women!” Duh? I’ve never considered anyone I dated to be someone who’d hit me. No other man ever suggested or spoke about men who hit their girlfriends. The only guy who ever did that… was the spath. It’s NORMAL not to hit your partner!!! It’s not heroic or something to get a medal and pats on the shoulders for. Sheesh!
Louise and Sky, I don’t like competition either. On the one hand I can’t stand losing, and on the other hand I felt guilty for winning. As a child my mom was often home (as a teacher) but rarely had time to do games with me (she never was muhc of a gamer anyway). So, I played card games and monopoly and cluedo all by myself. My opponents were a favourite (dead) aunt and so. You would think it’s the perfect setting for a child to make sure it can win. But that’s not how I played it at all. I played my best for each imagined player, as if I was playing for myself. If I didn’t I felt completely guilty about it.
Louise,
There are a few things I would never do: no bungy jumping for me! It’s less scary to jump from a 10 rock into water the first time around… but once you know what it feels like… hmmm, not so much fun. But I love the canyoning where you get to jump in the river and follow the stream. And while I have no issue with rafting and canooing, there’s no way you get me into a kayak. I nearly drowned in one once when I was 12. Rafts and canoos are open and if needed I can jump out (balance is different anyway). In a kayak I remember a trapped feeling with my legs.
bluejay:
Peace to you also! So sorry you have to deal with those idiots at work. It was a nightmare for me…I was miserable. I was just VERY blessed to be in a situation where I could leave. It shocked everyone. No one could believe I was doing it. I worked there 12 years in a huge corporation. It defined me; it was who I was and it took a long time to get over that. It was two years in August that I have been gone and just now do I really feel like I have adjusted to my “new” life of leisure.
Funny to hear that your spath also has a soft voice! Skylar knows her stuff, man. Totally. Isn’t it amazing that so many of them are so “soft?” That’s how they hook us and they know it. They use it. Mine is also very outgoing…very interested in people. Now I know why…he is reading them to see what he can glean.
Louise,
I am a capricorn with libra rising, so I have many libra qualities.
Bluejay and Louise,
I think the voice is a redflag, but not always obvious. They don’t always use it. Mostly in a one-on-one interaction. There’s a lilting to it as well, depending on what they want.
Honestly, I think the reason we think they are so hard to spot is because we don’t WANT to believe that there are so many of them. We write off the red flags because to acknowledge them means acknowledging that humanity is peppered with rot.
so be it. I don’t mind facing it now. Because it also means I can see the good people. Yeah, the ones I never noticed before because they didn’t grab my attention. They were too boring. Boring is good.
Edit:
Darwinsmom, I just saw your post about how you played games with dead people. ROTFLMAO.
I can just imagine too, your guilt if you won. You cracked me up.
I’ll bet there are lots of us spath victims who have this same mindset of not liking to win. Well, I finally found one place where i do like winning: against a spath.
I know it’s not good, because it makes me become like them and that’s what they wanted in the first place.
It’s a character flaw, I guess. I’ll have to work on it some more.
skylar:
I just thought of something else about OW and jealousy. Do you know that she actually used to tell me that she was NOT jealous???? OMG…the total opposite again! She told me that many times…how she was not a jealous person and if a man wanted another woman and not her, she was fine with that because if it was meant to be, he would come back to her and on and on…wow, she is soooo messed up. That is why her and him were so suited to one another…they were so much alike. I think at one point, he was obsessed with her, but he would never admit it. I don’t believe he ever loved her (far from it), but I do believe he related to her because they thought the same.
Yep, boring is good. I need to drill this in my head.
skylar:
Me, too! I don’t like winning AT ALL, but I sure would love to win against these spaths and yes, it does make me like them and I hate that, but…
Louise,
you already won. you won when you walked away and they never thought you would. you won when you learned about spaths so you never have to play those games again.
moving on is winning. You’re doing that.
teaching other people about spaths and how to move on, is also winning. You do that when you post your story here.
I guess we can win and teach others how to win, then we don’t have to feel guilty for winning. lol.
Skylar and Louise,
The good people (on this earth) are sincere, not playing any type of games with others. They’re the true gems in the world. The ex-spath has a voice, a way about him that can be mesmerizing. I remember watching him and hearing him talk to another mother (I was just learning about his disorder at the time) and he reminded me of a snake charmer – when he spoke, there was something emanating from him, something going on, trying to draw the listener toward him (what he was saying to the lady was total b.s., the words sounding right and sincere though). It was fascinating, realizing at the time that this was clue to me – he is indeed a charmer, a spath.
skylar:
Yeah, there is one area where we won’t feel guilty for winning and that’s teaching! Yay!!!
bluejay:
Yes! WE are the gems. Good people with no agenda whatsoever.
I can only feel that what these spaths have as far as this charm is evil. I am convinced it is connected to the devil.
skylar,
You mentioned liking to win against the spaths – yes! One of the spath women at work (the pastor’s wife) was on the phone with her daughter, trying to clear up some complication that her daughter was creating. She calls up a mechanic (on her daughter’s behalf) and tries to get the daughter’s problem settled. This woman turned on the charm (it was like a light bulb went on, her personality changing in an instant) when talking to the mechanic. As soon as she got off the phone, she was back to her usual self. She calls up her daughter and refers to the mechanic as stupid, etc. Well, I overheard her conversation with the daughter and the mechanic and I inquire about what has gone on. She tells me the story and I LOVED when she said to me that her daughter is 26 and “she drives me crazy.” Privately, I thought to myself, good I’m glad she drives you crazy because you deserve it.