Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
you know what’s strange?
When my spath reappears, for a moment I am tricked, as if his mere presence implies everything is okay, that he is good, that he cares about me, that he is REAL.
And then the minute he leaves I want to throw up.
Athena,
Wow, it’s as if your body is holding back all the anxiety so you don’t appear nervous. You calm yourself while in his presence. Then the moment it’s all over, you lose it.
I’ve had that happen when I was in dangerous situations.
One specifically was when a semi-truck crashed through the concrete barrier on the interstate. It was headed on a trajectory crossing my own and since I was doing 75 and so was he, there was no time to stop. In just a few seconds it was all over, but everything went into slow motion and I seemed to have an eternity to calculate and consider the odds, then decided that if I was going to hit the truck, I’d rather hit it at 100mph than 75. I didn’t want to live as a cripple because life with the spath was already unbearable. Also, I had a very fast turbocharged eclipse so I calculated that by speeding up, there was a 50/50 chance that I would get ahead of the truck and cross the intersection of our trajectories before he did. I just barely did. I watched in slow motion as the truck, on it’s side, slid by me just inches away. I was calm and in complete control.
When I stopped and tried to call 911, I could only speak gibberish. literally. I completely lost it.
Athena,
the same was happening to me, until I decided to follow the advises here and cut all contact. It was very difficult at the beginning but as the time passed I started to see things clearly and now see him for who he really is. A coward and a liar who had never loved me and was never straight to me. That’s not a real man. A real man would never treat a woman like that, real men are honest and true. I think it’s not fair to lose your time and energy over someone like that, it’s not fair to the real men out there who are able to love and a respect a woman. Those people don’t love, they just see us as supplies. Something to use until they get bored of us and then they move to the next victims…
It’s adrenaline that slows perception of time. It’s as if there suddenly are more secs in one second, and we can think more thoughts in one moment than at other times.
Sky, I had that during the accident when I was 14. The car hit my bike crossing the street and i fell on top of the motorshield and hit my head against the front window. While he hit the brakes I was already rolling back off the motorshield. My mind was racing!!! I knew there was a risk that I would fall in front of the car and he still might not have come to a standstill, so I risked getting under the car once on hte ground. So, it was important to jump to the side of the road as soon as I hit the ground. I twisted my body so that I landed in a way on my hands and feet that I could veer up instantly and jump to the side. And veering up and jumping to the side is what I did.
My friend who witnessed it all from the other side of the street later remarked on this. To her it looked as if I was moving like a puppet on strings, that while I fell on my knees and hands, I was at the same time also already standing up. She even said that in a way it even looked comical, if it hadn’t been such a dangerous situation.
BUt it’s adrenaline that causes this: it makes us more aware of every tiny detail of our surroundings, more than we normally do. Since we see more in the same amount of time than we normally do, then to our mind that feels like time sowing up.
Sky, DarwinsMom,
Yes, I think there is something to be said for adrenalin run making everything seem slow – actually, I think it brings us from being lost in our thoughts to being VERY PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. Sort of like orgasm. There is a reason the slang is when you “come ” – I think it means “come to the present” as opposed to your mind wandering.
In any case that fear, that adrenalin, whatever it is, focuses you on the NOW and everything else is blocked out.
Then when it leaves, you want to throw up for realization of what happened.
My spath showed up recently – twice in a week – I asked him to leave me alone so he has complied – so it’s only been no contact for a day or two — and yet today I am sitting here STILL with a pit in my stomach and feel like I want to throw up.
Why?
Athena:
Because you are addicted. Plain and simple.
I was, too and still am, but I had to make a conscious effort to STOP it and never again look back.
Snowhite:
Another thing…beware and be ready. You said that all those women he told you were crazy, etc. are now again his friends on Facebook. If he did that to them, he will most likely do it to you, too…come back. Be prepared and don’t let him. It will be the hardest thing ever to tell him to go away, but you must.
Athena,
I think your adrenalin is still with you. He says all these cryptic things about death and destruction just to keep you on edge. He knows normal people react with alarm to things like that. Just like the dude in the cafe who talked about killing kittens, he does it to get a rise out of you. Later, you are on edge for a long time just thinking about it.
The only “relief” you get from that fear, is when you twist it into love in your own mind. It’s a neat little trick, but it isn’t necessary. You can also detach from your emotions and see how you are manipulating YOURSELF.
In the end, sadly, these spaths are worms and they aren’t even worth getting our panties in a bunch over. Walk away and commend them to God.
skylar:
I am really trying to wrap my brain around this one…this thing about fear. Thanks so much for the explanation and using King Henry VIII. Hmmmmm, very interesting. I guess I can’t understand it because I don’t literally “feel” scared. I can’t get it that it is being turned around. Wow. You are right, I wasn’t aware of the fear so I didn’t feel it. I still don’t. It doesn’t feel like “fear” to me at all. It feels more like anxiety and obsession…like I said, if I can’t see him or touch him, I am going to die. It has subsided somewhat though.
Do you have anymore on this topic?