Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Louise,
he had become friends with his exes as soon as he realized that I had left for good. I don’t know why but I feel that he did it for to hurt me more: “Look at her, she is the evil one and she is on her own, and I have everyone, even my exes by my side to support me”!!!
So, now I am the only one from his exes that I am not a friend with him and I’m not planning to be his friend ever.
I’m sure that he wants to hurt me more and he hates me about leaving him, but I’m not sure that he would try to contact me… I think that he feels it by instinct that he can’t fool me anymore… that’s why he hates me so much.
One thing I know for sure, just like you said, I took a conscious decision to leave and I I will never go back.
Louise,
I think your body knew you were in contact with an evil person. You probably didn’t think that he would actually KILL you, nor is he likely to because he doesn’t want the consequences. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t like to kill you. Or, better yet, to destroy you to the point that you kill yourself. That seems to be a favorite method for the spaths I know.
There is a sixth sense that warns us. Unfortunately, we ignore it. You did do something though, which I also do, you kept your cards close to your vest. You didn’t reveal your true self to him.
Spaths do this too. That’s why they lie all the time. They are afraid of revealing ANYTHING about themselves to us. They don’t want to be vulnerable. They will even lie when it seems the truth will serve them better, that’s because in their minds, nothing can serve them better than to mislead you.
I was talking to a friend who has been through a spath encounter. She reiterated that she just couldn’t get past the hurt and the anger over how her soul was violated. As we spoke it dawned on me that she was violated in a way that I never was. She let down ALL of her defenses and showed her true self to a person who seemed like a soulmate. Then to learn that the soulmate was nothing but a spath who was toying with her, was devastating. She showed the spath her secret “pearl”, the very best part of her, and it was dismissed.
Luckily, you kept your pearl. Now this guy is just someone who ALMOST had your pearl. You know he was after it and you feel offended that someone would try to take that pearl just to smash it. Especially since you would have gladly given it to him if he would cherish it as much as you do.
But spaths don’t want what is freely given. They only want what they can steal or con out of us. Jesus said, “don’t throw your pearls before swine because they will only trample them.”
I guess I went off on a tangent, so to bring it back to the question of fear, I’d say, you don’t need to fear for your life, it could be fear of having your pearls trampled.
I think that you can pretty much trust yourself to be able to protect yourself. You passed with flying colors, you escaped and you never let him really know you. Under the circumstance, not knowing about spaths, I’d say your instincts were very good.
Skylar,
the description that you did about the pearl reminds me so much of myself…
It’s funny that while I was still with the spath I wrote a poem. The poem was about a shell and a pearl. The shell was me and the pearl was what I was hiding from the world, the best part of me, the innocent part of my heart that I was afraid to show to others, my vulnerable side…
He was the only person that I took the decision to show this pearl to… I showed him all my weaknesses and fears, all my hopes and desires…
That’s why I gave that pearl to him, as a gift that he could value, cherish and carry with love… It was my most precious gift to someone I have been waiting for all of my life…
When I read him the poem he just looked me with a cold, unimpressed look like if it was nothing to him, although he said that he liked it.
I should had known from that moment that I was nothing to him…
He didn’t shattered my pearl. Although he had tried so hard to… The shell is closed tight again, tighter than before and is waiting for that special someone who would be able to value it.
Only that someone has to be me this time.
Louise,
I think it’s like the fear I didn’t feel when ex-spath led me outside of a bar, away from people and around the corner with nobody there. I didn’t “feel” fear, but just a short twinge of anxiety and had the thought “hmm, this could be possibly dangerous.” I didn’t feel the fear, since I actually followed anyhow to see for myself what he was up to. If I actually had felt fear, which I rarely ever do, I would have retraced my steps, which I rarely do since I’m a fight, not a flight person. But my body was on high alert that moment. I knew who was present on the street, how far away they were for me, etc… If you are more of a fight than flight type of person, explorative and prone to keep your head cool in situations where others panick: then exporing, and studying and knowing and observing is your natural way to try and regain control.
It doesn’t have to be fear for physical harm as per my example, but it could also be anxiety over other harm: have your heart broken, being betrayed, emotional harm, etc…
That is what the checking up on the spath does: gives you a momentarily feeling of control over the anxiety you have regarding him by watching him. That is how your fear/trauma bond with him works.
Snowhite,
that is so beautiful. “Only that someone has to be me this time.”
You are so right. That is what I strive for: to value my pearl. I need to work on that each day. It’s so hard when you were brought up to believe that you weren’t important. That others were more important than you.
I think that is why I’ve always hidden my pearl. My parents didn’t value it, so I didn’t think it was worth showing anyone, assuming it would be ridiculed.
Now I’m sad.
🙁
“The shell is closed tight again, tighter than before and is waiting for that special someone who would be able to value it.
Only that someone has to be me this time. ”
Snowwhite! That is so beautifully said! TOWANDA!
(((((((((((((((sky)))))))))))))
You are such a beautiful pearl to many people here. It is very sad when people of your past made you feel unimportant, but the beautiful thing is that we can all surmount our past and realize we are important.
In any case, you are important to me!
Darwinsmom thank you… I know I have a long way to walk and I have just started, but I guess that’s the most important part, to make the first step, even if it is smalls steps at a time and even if there are steps back sometimes too…
We will get over this, otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now talking about it…
We all had the strength to decide that we want to get out of it and live again…
Skylar, no don’t be sad… 🙁 ((hugs))
We are probably living in different sides of the world but our stories are much similar…
I wasn’t valued by my parents so I wanted someone else to value my pearl… So, true…
The spath had opened those old wounds of ours and they had started to bleed again…
but you know, it is never too late and maybe it has to be that way, to get through all that pain for to finally get healed. Maybe someday we will be happy and we would be thinking about all that as an important lesson which has helped us to get over the emotional pain that we have been carrying for years and we were hiding in the deepest parts of our souls, afraid to face them…
P.s I just read about what you said that we usually get married of someone who reminds us of our parents…
My dad was a spath. It is something that I had found out while I was making the research about my relationship with the spath…
So, now I know why I was so much attracted to the spath. Although they don’t look like each other on the outside, he always reminded me of my dad.
I couldn’t understand what that “something” was… Now I know.
I just wanted to say “guilty”…I hate the obsession with looking at the “P” profile picture…I think how the craziness looks reversed just the way he would love for it to be seen. … We were blocked but he unblocked me partially so that I could see that he was he was friends again/still with the 2nd other women/girl. He wanted me to hurt but because I was viewing her YTube diary, I already knew she was out of use for him and she is in deep deep addiction/pain and the more. I blocked him from my FB and Oh, I did not know that I was on “public” (i’m not computer savvy) and that he was viewing my fb all along. I have since learned how to change that.
I have started volunteering for the YWCA/Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Programs and I am presently in the Temporary Protection Office screening clients to see if they qualify or not. I cant tell you how empowering this is and how I can see the “dysfunction” so clearly…Seeing how victims get lost in the pain and feel powerless when they hold the power within them…they want it to stop but continue the dance…..I have challenged myself not to google him or ytube her anymore. I was glad to see this article because I knew the damage it was doing and yet, like the people I see that come in that TPO office, I could not remove myself. I wanted some type of connection still. It comes down to a decision… I feel like I am growing into who I am suppose to be….life is simple and short..it is not as deep and critical as we make it…it is honoring your Red Flags……I am grateful for what I went through because I dont think I would have ever seen the world for what it is….good and evil are amongst us. We choose..
I will continue to fight emotions and know that emotions are lies and that Truth is available if I choose. … .. However, I know we are human and under construction:)
((darwinsmom and snowhite))
thanks for the hugs. It does help.
my problem is that I’m still trauma bonded to my parents. They mean the world to me, although I accepted my status as inferior from them. I hid my pearl and never attempted to show it to spaths. Oh once in while I gave them a peak, but it was met with what appeared to be indifference. As it turned out it was envy. That was enough clue for me to hide the pearl.
I guess I just need to grow up and stop being the little girl who was trauma bonded. *sigh*
Darwinsmom, you are important to me too. It is ironic that the worst thing that ever happened to us, also left a gift: connection to some of the best people on the planet.
I want to reply, but I have to get ready to go out to dinner. I will be back later to reply to this and other threads. So much learning going on here for me. Invaluable lessons that I will keep with me forever.
Please don’t be sad, skylar. We love you!