Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Star,
I do not dispute what you’re saying about “normal” men, but I find that fits more in the 20 something and early 30 something years, and only with a certain type of men.
I think it’s more important for any partner (male and female) to not let everything else in their life drop for another person, but keep their course, interests and personal interests in their free time. It heaps all the responsibility of happiness, inspiration and growth all on one person’s shoulders. That’s not realistic. Not one person can ever be all that for another person. Nor is it wise to share too much information too early, for possible mirror risks. But the “hard to get” and “mysterious” act is just passé for me. I think it all depends on the motivation. If it’s an act in order to keep a man’s interest, then it belongs more in early dating experimenting in the younger year. If it’s something you do, because you feel it’s best for yourself, that’s the healthiest and wisest motivation.
Star:
Yes!! I have the clothing addiction. I literally have so many clothes I would not have to ever buy a thing ever again to wear and I would be fine. Shoes, too. It’s awful! And I don’t like cheap stuff sooooo…
My birthday is not until Tuesday the 16th, but I am going for a massage and a nice steak dinner. Can’t wait!
skylar:
Oh, it’s me again. I have so many questions about this pushing away thing. I get that about them wanting us to be addicted to them and all that. And how they definitely can’t keep up the game for long before the mask will slip and they don’t want us to see the “real” them. They want to keep us in an idealization phase which mine accomplished big time. That is where I am stuck.
I also agree with Truthspeak that they push us away when they are DONE. From everything I can gather, that is what mine did to me. As long as I served a purpose for him, he kept me around. But when he was DONE, he was DONE. I agree…I saw the glee on his face…no doubt.
But you said something in the first sentence of that post…”They push us away after they are sure that we want to be with them.” This is where I need insight. Mine actually did the opposite with me. The first time around with us, he did not know I was in love with him. Remember? I kept my cards very close to my chest and let him know nothing. And after awhile, he left because I think it became boring to him…I wasn’t playing the game. But when I was leaving my job and he came back around, it was obvious I must have been head over heels to give up my whole career because of him so he asked me, “So you fell in love with me?” I just shook my head yes. Once he knew that, man…he ran with it! He started coming around all the time, texting me all the time, he even told ME that he could see himself with me. So what was that all about??? It was like once he knew I had feelings for him, he opened up, but at the same time, he was only toying with me. None of these things he ever said or professed ever culminated, but he was married so it wasn’t able to. But I am so confused!!!!! I just want answers and I will never get them and I hate that.
Another thing that always haunts me (and I’ve asked this question probably about 50 times)…how does someone like him who gets so bored and plays games and on and on stay married for 20 years? I will never understand that. I used to think it was because of the children until I realized that he doesn’t love them either; that they are also only objects and pawns to him. One theory I do have is that he is staying married because of the inheritance that his wife is going to get when her other parent dies (I believe one is already gone).
Another thing…he told me once very early on that I looked a lot like his wife, but he didn’t need a “wife replacement.” Uh, yeah. Now I get that on so many levels. First, he didn’t need a wife replacement because he had no intentions of getting divorced even though he had been separated a full year. Secondly, maybe this is cog/diss, but looking back on it, I think that meant that he saw me more of marriage material and not a tramp. Remember the pearl and him KNOWING that I didn’t just give up my body that way so he knew I was not that kind of woman. Long story, but I told my ex husband the whole story and he said, oh yeah, you are marriage material and he knew he couldn’t do that so he pushed you away. Maybe not even on a conscious level, but a sub conscious level? Who knows. I will never know, but it kind of does make sense to me. Your thoughts, please??
Louise,
I LOVE your questions. They make me think and question my assumptions. They are excellent questions. But I want to think about it a bit before I answer. (though I think I answered somewhat on another thread) I still want to answer because you made me think about how my own spath treated me and why. It’s hard to keep track of their craziness. I know that my spath kept me because I was good supply and an excellent mask, but then I forget about the money. I keep forgetting about that. The money is a MacGuffin and spaths can’t resist the MacGuffins.
It’s so interesting.
Loise, I always fall back on the theory of primary and secondary supply. Primary supply is the supply of the new love affair. It is ideal, and secretive and highly addictive. It is what the narcissist lives for; adulation.
His wife is boring, and probably really tired of his self-important bravado, but, she is tried and true, and does provide him with some creature comforts, such as, hearth and home…she will always be there, to provide just the right amount of stability, without asking much from him in return. He can seek out primary supply, on and on ad infinitum, but, he won’t leave his wife…he has the best of both worlds, this way. And he can torment not just one woman with his self-centered entitlement, but two, or three, or who knows how many. This makes him powerful.
It’s all about what they derive from any relationship. While his newest conquest is heating up on the stove, his wife is cooling down on the back burner, but she can sit there and rot, as far as he cares, as long as she’s available for a rainy day when supply is low. They usually don’t divorce their wives. Just a fact. Their wives divorce them.
And he’s everybodies Macguffin. Puke.
Kim,
you so NAILED it.
🙂
Edit:
WAIT! you forgot the money, just like I did.
Louise spoke about money.
if you aren’t a spath, sometimes you forget about the money. It’s so important to them.
Edit again: hmmm… did you ever think that maybe your exspath had a life insurance policy on you?
And here’s a thought: the affair partner actually acts as a buffer that assuages the Narcissists engulfment fears with his wife…it allows him to stay married, while the wife acts as a barrier to engulfment by the new romantic interest. He can’t marry you, because he’s already married…but, his wife can’t really have him either, not completely because he’s got you. So, he never really has to commit, or have a genuine (scary) relationship with anyone.
Kim,
Exactly. It’s so bizarre.
We can analyze it to death but never really understand the mentality. It’s like one of those knots that can’t be untangled.
kim:
What you said here is so true. I see the primary and secondary supply with him so clearly now. And absolutely they never (or almost never) leave their wives. It’s the wives who do the leaving. I am actually wondering if this has happened. Because I don’t know what is going on with him (and that’s a good thing), I have no idea if he is even still married. I know HE wouldn’t be the one to initiate a divorce because he apparently “fell in love” with someone far away from where we are and he wanted her to move here and she said she wouldn’t unless he got a divorce and he said he would not get a divorce. Well, that was four years ago and I just found out two months ago that woman is now living here! Sooooo, does that mean he is getting a divorce? I have no idea, but if she moved here, I would assume something happened. So I wonder if the wife is the one who pursued the divorce (because she finally had enough of his crap) and this left the door open for this woman to come here. But I could also see him using this woman as a way to get back at his wife for initiating the divorce…after all, that would be a HUGE loss for him and remember, he is ALL about winning so I could see him using the OW to get back at the wife. Sick stuff.
I love how you said he could torture not just one, but two or three or how many ever women with his crap. And torture it is…pure torture. Power. Total power. You are so right. I so hate it all…
Thank you so much for your insight.