Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
kim frederick
No, Skylar. I know he didn’t….but there was a time when we were on a walk in the woods….the Apalaichian trail, and we standing on the edge of a cliff, he stepped behind me, and I got gooose-bumps, all up and down my spine…it was really creepy. Why woukd I have that “gift of fear” if he hadn’t just thought about pushing me?
It isn’t always about money, Skylar. Sometimes they just want to disappear you. Like Scott Peterson disappeared Lacy and Connor. I read a really good book, last winter, entitled, “Eraced”….there are eracer killers, who just want you gone.
Louise
kim and skylar:
Exactly! That is a fear of intimacy. They don’t want to be close to anyone. Yep, he can’t marry the mistresses because he’s already married and yet by having the affairs, he also keeps at arms length with the wife.
Good stuff here!!!
Louise
Yes, the money! I need to hear thoughts on the money. Especially because money means a lot to my spath. Remember, he lives in a $800K house, they drive BMW’s and Mercedes, he has a big six figure job, he wears expensive clothes (but wears them to death). Money is VERY important to him. I believe he married into money with that wife and he is/was trying to hold on to it for dear life.
skylar
Kim,
OMG.shit.
You triggered me.
He had a hanger at the airport for his helicopter.
A guy who had the hangar 2 doors down was an “eraser”.
He had worked for the Feds, before he retired, as an eraser for the federal witness protection program. Spath got friendly with him and the eraser got 2 tee shirts for him. The teeshirts said, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME” on one side and “FEDERAL WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM” on the other side.
So when my spathsister married her spath trojan horse, they wanted to marry in Hawaii and I was to be the maid of honor. So I had to go. Spath got mad. so he said, “give them this for a wedding present from me” The two teeshirts were the present. And spath said, “tell them, they don’t know me anymore because they made you go to hawaii for their wedding.”
There were so many 180 degree tells going on, and I’m not going to explain them all here. But when I gave them the tee-shirts, trojan horse BIL was so excited. He and spath sis put them on and demanded pictures. They posed as if they were hiding in their tee-shirts.
It was all a big tell. I wonder how much info the erasor gave to spath about erasing people. sick sick sick.
Louise
kim:
That is so chilling what happened to you on the trail….ooooooh. Horrible.
Louise
skylar:
I remember you telling that story a long time ago. Whew! Wow!!
kim frederick
In my experience, they want to experience intimacy…desperately, but, they fear it, also desparately, so they distance, but maintain a status quo…the exact amount of intimacy that they can tolerate, and they always maintain the upper hand. That is why they create trauma bonds….that is what a trauma bond is. That is why they stay in a marriage for 20 years, but have affairs.
Louise
kim:
OMG. That is so the one I was involved with. To the “T.” I guess that is what I was trying to convey (in a way) when I was posting earlier about him pushing me away…the distance you are talking about. It all makes sense…he does want the intimacy, but fears it and with being married, he couldn’t have it with me anyway, but then, he can’t have it with the wife either due to all the affairs. Sad.
Edit: And the upper hand. The power. He always controlled the situation with me. It also makes sense as to why he has never told me to get lost. He would never tell me it was over. He is trying to keep the door open.
skylar
Louise,
it’s so hard to come to terms with this stuff. No matter how much I accept it, it still triggers me. I wonder if I will ever not be triggered. Remembering it, makes me sick all over again. He was “telling” everyone that he was pretending not to know the trojan horse, when in fact, he sent the mofo to my family.
Well at least my parents are aware, in a limited sense.
About the money: they use it as a score board. Money is a universal score keeping tool. So spaths know that everyone values it and they go after it. It’s different from emotions because they don’t have to watch our faces to know if they have achieved their goals. They can actually count the scores in dollar signs.
Remember, spaths have no values except the ones you allow them to know that YOU have. except for money.
Louise
skylar:
I am so sorry you are triggered and I agree…I also feel like no matter how hard I try to get past this, it still comes back to me via triggers all the time. It’s been almost three years for me. If I haven’t gotten past it yet, I am not sure I ever will 100%.
Good explanation about the money. Hmmmmm.