Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Yes sireee: met x online and from there opened a whole
new meaning of the words like ‘liar’; psychopath; ‘user’…
The whole depths of hell itself came with that first ‘hello’.
From that point on it was like trying to get rid of a
cockroach infestation. True: there was a period of
time I didn’t feel that way. A time that I bought into
the whole entire abusive relationship that “I” allowed
to continue because I felt FREAKING SORRY for someone.
Imagine that. No. I don’t deserve the abuse and won’t
stand for any more of it. The blinders are completely off now.
It is true that I implemented NC for the sixth time in 13 years.
THIS TIME I absolutely MEANT it and had back up to prove my
point. With the exception of cyberstalking and telephone
stalking, it has been ‘relatively’ quiet, going on six months.
I don’t believe the quiet. It keeps me on edge. As most of you know,
“IT” was sighted in my town a week or so ago.
There is NO reason for “IT” to be here.
NONE.
I saw it two days in a row through the peephole
and never opened the door. There is nothing left to say.
GO AWAY.
During the initial ‘break up’ stage, where the bottom of my
life felt like it was falling into a dark, deep tunnel – yes, I
followed him online. It isn’t worth it. The more and more
I researched, the more I realized I didn’t want to know
anymore anyways. It just doesn’t matter anymore.
THEY ARE what they are.
THEY WILL ALWAYS be what they are.
THAT IS THEIR CHOICE.
We can’t save them but we CAN save ourselves.
Like a ‘deej-deej’, ‘smack – snap out of it’ moment.
I don’t care what “IT” does anymore as long as it
it is away from me. I want to know and/or hear
NOTHING. The state of upset we have all come
through: that in itself was a calculated outcome.
If that doesn’t make you ‘snap out of it’,
I don’t know what will. Realizing that the
pain and anguish and upset we have all
been through, was a part of the intent.
I have a ‘private’ FB account.
I approve/disapprove/invite who “I” want.
There are settings for that.
NC means just that.
NC. Absolute and complete.
Unless you commit yourself to that,
you will be always leaving yourself open
to become ‘prey’ all over again. And, it
never changes, it just goes on and on,
UNTIL you stop it.
“I” don’t want to be cyberstalked.
I do not subscribe to cyberstalking.
I HAVE subscribed to background checks, arrest records
and court records, before though. Anything that is important
to me and MY SURVIVAL: oh yes, definitely.
The rose colored glasses are off.
Louise, I am sorry that you feel that you are being ignored on LF. I don’t think it is anyone’s intention to shun you.
Not every post is replied to…but there are so many people posting on LF that it would be impossible for anyone to reply to everyone.
I have done my best since I came to LF to “welcome” new posters, because I know I have posted on other blogs and had people “post around me” never “welcoming” or in come cases even noticing me. It was like a Clique of some sort on those blogs.
One of the things I like about LF is that the “welcome” to new posters that I started has become a TRADITION here. I used to have more time to read and post here and I tried to make everyone feel that someone cared what they thought. Fortunately it is not just up to ME alone, as there are so many people here who respond to the posts of others.
If you have felt slighted, I am truly sorry.
Yes, people DO “cyber stalk” the X’s to find out what they are up to and it is a BIG temptation, especially in the early stages of letting go, but like the article says, it does delay healing when we do it.
Some peop-le who are in danger from their X HAVE to find out what is going on with them, or if they co-parent with the X they must have contact, but even then, I recommend that the contacts be limited to the LEAST AMOUNT that is possible under the circumstances. I have NO way to find out anything about what my son Patrick is up to since in prison he has no FB account and I have no one I can trust that is in contact with him to give me information….but even protesting his parole and contacting those that knew his victim and also my attorney, and the media people I am trying to contact is stress inducing. The parole hearing won’t be for nearly another year, but I have to prepare for it and get my stuff in to the attorney by May.
Then I have to WAIT to find out what “set off” he gets (number of years before he can go back to the parole board) or if he is actually going to GET OUT! If and when he gets out, then my danger level goes up even more. Since if he does get out he will be on parole for the length of his life, then I am going to have to deal with his parole officer and hope that the officer(s) will take my danger seriously.
Louise, people do respond to you – perhaps, you’re in a funk, right now. I get like that, sometimes, but I try not to take it personally. Sometimes, these boards fly and comments, remarks, and insight are missed unintentionally.
OxD, the loss of my passie was total pain, I agree! LOL!!!! It felt like the end of the universe, but the earth still spun on her axis and that fact sort of kept me from spiraling into an eternal pity-party. I think my irritation still remains because there will be no consequences for what the exspath did. I’m not talking about his veiled necrophilia or his BDSM games. He won’t face a single discomfort for having forged over 75K in personal checks from my individual account. That’s a fact, and it just doesn’t seem possible that someone can commit a series of documented crimes and walk away from them.
I’ll sort out my emotional recovery, in due time. I think that I’m moving forward, but I’m pretty harsh on myself, so I really need to practice relaxing a bit.
I can’t imagine Patrick ever having a peaceful, “free” day for the rest of his life. My personal feeling is that parole officers are overwhelmed and burned-out, just like social services case workers are. I don’t know how well parole works, but I’ve seen at least one person break every rule of her parole without a problem. She lived in a home where there was copious alcohol as well as firearms, and nobody was ever the wiser.
Justice is an ideal, but I don’t believe that it’s a predictable fact.
Brightest blessings
Stargazer, many things in life are “no-brainers,” and people still do what they do.
Like I’ve posted, before, technology has its benefits, indeed. But, we now live in a culture where nearly every person is carrying a device that connects them with people that are not physically next to them. This device can alert them to the need to pick up a gallon of milk, or it can deliver a message of ultimate tragedy. This device also has the ability to “connect” the user with people who are a world away that they haven’t seen or heard from in decades, and barely any of those “connections” really give two shits about their personal life, whatsoever. Relationships are begun, maintained, and ended using this device, and FaceBook is just one of hundreds of applications that have confused TRUE human “connections” with face-to-face interactions with “LIKE” options.
For people who were born before the technological explosion, it may be a no-brainer because we maintained personal “connections” through direct human interaction. For people who were born and raised with technology as the nanny and absentee parents, it’s not as simple as a “no-brainer.” It’s an addiction, it’s a dependency, and it’s very, very hard to explain to these generations that there is far more to human interactions and “connetions” than accepting a “friend request.”
Brightest blessings
Yeah, people did respond to me in the past, but I didn’t post on here for a long time. Like Athena, I was out trying to heal. Maybe it seems like I wasn’t being responded to just because I hadn’t been around for awhile. OK, gotta go walk and it’s nippy outside.
Louise
I saw your name come up – this is my second time logging in, in as few days – happy to see you are still here. Well, not really 🙂 but you know what I mean. LOL!
So you took a haitus too? Have you recovered any? I have been indulging in books and whatnot and building a life. There was a time that I couldn’t go more than 4 or 5 hours without leaning on LF for support. I am doing much better.
Unfortunately, my spath has resurfaced. I see him for what he is, and have no fantasies any more. Working on shutting him out.
Hugs to you, XOXOX.
Athena
(PS Oxy thank you for the warm welcome back, I have missed you and your wisdom and insights and I really do think you’re an amazing woman, you’ve helped more people than you can ever possibly realize. XOXOXOXOXOX).
Thanks, Athena, I know for a fact that LF saved MY sanity during tat horrible “summer of chaos” when I sat in my RV parked on a friend’s place, hiding out from my family and from the man that Patrick sent to kill me…with my family protecting him from ME. LOL
It was ONLY after his arrest and the arrest of my DIL that he was also screwing that my egg donor and my son C realized that THEY had also been “had”—in a very public way.
Not that it changed the fact I can’t trust either my egg donor or son C…though for a WHILE I thought I could, but you know, I have found that people who sit on the “fence” and KNOW that someone is trying to hurt you and then do nothing, or even HELP the person who is trying to hurt you….I think that they can’t be trusted the next time there is a “problem”
There is an old saying that this kind of person is a “fair weather friend” and they are only your friend if things are going well.
LF has given me major insights and support and if I am able to pass that on to someone else who when they first come here feels like they can’t make it, then I am all for that. That is why I am still here going on 6 years now.
Athena:
Yeah, I have recovered some and I never thought I would. I feel like it was an earthquake and now I am dealing with the aftershocks. Having NC does help so much in the healing process. It hurts at the same time, but…
Yours keeps coming back to you. Mine doesn’t have any feelings for me at all to even do that. They say that when spaths are done, they are DONE. Well, mine is DONE. I am no longer any use to him whatsoever and that hurts. So yours still wants to toy with you I guess, but I am glad you are learning how to shut him out. After so many times, what’s the point? You know what the outcome will be once again. Take care.
Truthspeak,
It IS an addiction. Though I was born in 1960, many of friends my age and older have succumbed to the addiction. I don’t think age or generation have much to do with it. I’m a bit of an internet addict myself, but I have fortunately just said no to FB and also to the cell phone addiction (I don’t own a cell phone). It’s not healthy to be connected to everyone on the planet every minute of the day. I have friends who will answer their cell phones no matter what they are doing or with whom any time of day or night, even if they are on a call with someone else. This behavior appears nuts to me. I just don’t get it. I value my privacy my space, and my quiet time, and I enjoy exercising my choice of when to return a call. I just don’t feel the need to be in contact every minute of the day. Also, if I’m on the phone with someone, I consider it rude to keep them waiting while I take another call unless it’s some important call I am expecting and I let them know upfront. The age of technology to me is not an excuse for people to be addicted or to be inconsiderate. There are still a few who can just say no.
The reason I say “no-brainer” is because I think people who track their exes on FB know it’s not good for them. It’s the same as driving past the ex’s house, only it’s easier to do. It’s just that if you are on FB, the temptation is sometimes irresistible to look someone up.
Stargazer, they may “know” that it’s going to be a bad idea to check profiles, but they “feel” that they “need” to know. I suspect that the victims are hoping that they’ll read how wrong the spath was and how sorry they were for what they did – that they MISS their victims. False “validation,” is what they’re searching for, and they don’t know that’s what’s motivating them. We simply don’t talk about these deep, dark, psychological things with most people because, on the surface, it all seems irrelevant unless it’s a noticable issue.
As for me, I’m a ’60’s kid, too, and I really miss the days of imagination and self-entertainment. I will say that I’m “addicted” to a couple of sites (like LoveFraud), and I check in, frequently. But, I feel that it’s a healthy use of the internet because, without this site (specifically, THIS site), I cannot imagine where I would be, today.
And, internet dating is, FOR ME, absolutely dangerous.
I am 100% with OxD that I have to observe someone in their natural surroundings to determine precisely who and what they are.
Brightest blessings