Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Thought I’d post this link about C_PTSD.
http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/PTSD.html
Truthy,
You can’t “observe” what people are thinking, only what they do and how they act and what they say…and sometimes what people say is not true…so a trained therapist or psychiatrist will interview the person, listen to what they say, as well as sometimes talk to family members and take a “history” as complete as possible….and sometimes the therapist are FOOLED and HOODWINKED by the client/patient…psychopaths are good at it.
The “diagnosis” in psych is made by a list of “symptoms” and there may be 5 to 25 “symptoms” and the criteria may be has exhibited 5 of the following symptoms in the last 30 days or last year or whatever, but does NOT also exhibit X, y or z.
It is VERY subjective in most cases, so different therapist might take the same history and “label” a client/patient with a different diagnosis depending on how they interpreted the information.
This is called interrater differences….
Also, in some cases, such as psychopathy, the professionals can’t even agree on a NAME FOR THE CONDITION, and currently it is “Anti-Social Personality Disorder” which is not exactly like the criteria that Hare calls “psychopath” and others call sociopath.
Plus, the “general public” thinks of psychopath or sociopath as “serial killer” because of the media hype and reporting.
So there is truly no way to tell actually if a kid is just acting like a “borderline personality disordered” person because of prior childhood and/or sexual abuse at an early age, or if they are REALLY a female psychopath without a conscience acting out.
Confusing? Yep!!!! Absolutely!
Plus, there are differences in the levels of empathy that are possessed by all of us and psychopaths are generally on the lower end of that spectrum but again, some psychopaths become president of the US because they are socially skilled and others become Charlie Manson, though actually while Manson is not “main stream socially skilled” he was and is very cunning about manipulating others.
But that is why there is a great deal of disagreement both in the layman aspect and in the professional aspect of psychopathy, labeling etc. concerning ALL the “personality disorders” (and there is big over lap in the qualifications for each category)
I’ll tell you about a class review meeting I had today, with regards to the upcoming report of the progress of the pupils, their first of the year.
In last-but-one grade there is a young man (age 16, and at right age for his year). Supposedly he’s of “high intelligence”. At least he has been guided by a center specialised in this, and yet there’s no paper attesting that he tested a score of 130. The reason why he’s supposed to be highly gifted is because he’s seen as an “under achiever”.
However, the latter can interpreted as “lazy” too (though he’s smart no doubt about that). He refuses to do any task or take any notes. I have managed to get him to do tasks for me, including homework. He tried to return a half finished task, and I told him I could not grade what wasn’t filled in by him, and since he refused to finish it in class, I told him he had until the next class to finish it at home. I also warned him that if he did not copy the crumpled task and did not finish it by the next class at home, I would make him do it at the after-school study. Of course he tested me on my warning, and of course I obligated him to do that late study hour. Then he tried to stir things up by seemingly tease me about my last name as if he was trying to create a nickname for me within earshot. This I ignored. Lately he’s doing all the required work for me, make sure he made his homework, makes his class work AND his homework already in math class, etc…
He’s quite manipulative, tries to get attention in negative as well as “look I’m working for you” way (but still comes across as fake) and his presence has an immediate influence on ALL the other pupils in class.
I don’t trust him, nor do other colleagues… but the other colleagues have their hands in their hair about him. They’re upset and disgusted with him. It was quite emotional. In one way, they want him gone and feel they can’t do a thing for him, on the other hand they are very emotional and defensive about it.
Monitoring reports on his order and behaviour (like I explained in another thread about the anti-social order) has no effect on him, a behaviour contract is not something he holds up to. And in his self-assessment report with his appointed teacher coach he said that “he didn’t have any issue or problem, and was not the problem at all, but that most of the teachers were.” That “he worked for the teachers he liked and not for those he didn’t like”.
I suggested how I handled him, and a colleague of mine I normally get along with said, “You must be one of those taechers he likes then.” I think I’ll get her apart tomorrow to respond to that. I don’t believe what he said, and I certainly don’t believe he “likes” me. I’m pretty sure he worded that to create a wedge feeling, to manipulate all teachers into feeling either rejected by him or approved by him. IMO he doesn’t do his work with the teachers who seek confrontation with him, who are angry and upset with him. I know from my own past that their upsetness, anger and confrontation attempts is a sign of them feeling responsible for him, for thinking they can somehow make him do what they require if they are so upset about it. It’s exactly that what feeds him.
Why does he work for me? Because I’ve never been upset with him at all. I’m in no way responsible for what he needs to do. I just gave him choices: you either do what I require you to do, or you have to stay longer at school and still do the work. For now he finds it is to his benefit to do it. Do I even believe this will work permanently with him? Nope. Last week he tried to put on charm. I suspect he tries to win and appease me temporarily. I have given him positive remarks for doing good work, but again without much or any emotion.
The same colleague argued about his “high intelligence” linked to his behaviou and the principal seemed to agree with that, and I told them… High intelligence is not a determinant factor of being amanipulative personality. A colleague of mine who doesn’t teach that class, nor pupil, but who’s the taecher expert in psychology, repeated my argument, using the words “It sounds like his personality, not his intelligence.” He had some reason to say something, because he attempted to be his coach last year and failed. Anyway that colleague and I seemed to be thinking along the same lines. Anyway he hinted privately to me at the early display of someone who might later be diagnozed with a cluster b disorder.
Afterwards another colleague told me that last year this pupil had given her a box of chocolates and had been very charming. She said, “He’s problematic and beyond our power, but not a bad person, not really.” And I thought, I’m not convinced of that.
Then the colleague who gave me a lift home said, “I think he just has a strong personality.” I did contradict that by saying, “I don’t think so. Refusing to look at your own flaws and weaknesses and blaming all the teachers for making trouble for him is not a sign of character strength for me, but exactly the opposite of that.” That made this colleague think and say, “You have a point there.” I did agree “he comes across as self confident, but someone who believes there’s nothing wrong with them and everything wrong with others, usually acts very self confident. It’s not confidence, but rather narcistic.”
Anyway, I think this pupil certainly is a candidate for cluster b diagnosis, and I’m one if not the sole teacher who’s teaching him that realizes this. And the sole reason he functions with me and not seeking to upset me anymore is because I Grey Rocked him from week 2 on.
Wow Darwinsmom,
it sounds like this poor kid is on his way to becoming a spath. I find it very sad, though I think that my pity would push him further into the disorder – no doubt in my mind.
You are doing everything exactly right: Gray rock, not taking responsibility, not being manipulated in any way.
You are doing much better, IMO, than I could do. My emotions, especially pity, get in the way for me.
Your colleagues are presenting the typical reactions to spaths, reactions which only make it worse because it feeds them.
I know you have to be very careful with how much of your knowledge you share with the colleagues, but perhaps you can guide them to recognize the subtle ways he manipulates ad teach them not to react emotionally. It would be interesting to see how much this affects the young man and whether he begins to treat them all with respect, the way he does you.
I always hope that a young person can find their way out of that slippery slope.
Darwinsmom,
That is really interesting and you are very insightful. I am not around enough kids at that developmental age to know but you sure have the edge with your knowledge and no hair loss! lol
Skylar, “I always hope that a young person can find their way out of that slippery slope.” Yeah for all of our sakes!
I would be so curious about the outcome of this kid, I would probably get caught following up on him in the future just trying to find out what he grew up to be. 🙂
I saw on the news a while back, this young lady had like 9 thousand friends on facebook, she let them all know her every move..”Hey everybody Hubby and I are going to the Bahama’s for a week”..they get home and her house is empty…hidden cameras proved it was one of her facebook friends…that robbed her..the young lady was busy texting while being interviewed by the police..
bless her heart..duh
Hens:
I heard that story, too. Not very smart!
I have been meaning to comment on this article and now I have the time. I have mixed feeling with Facebook and the internet as a whole regarding the x-spath. Without the internet, I would not know the truth about him. With it and his presence, my recovery was delayed.
My first internet discoveries about him were by accident and the very first one was in such an unexpected place, I did not realize why I would stumble upon him on what was mostly a domestic USA site, given he is from England.
Had I not been in such a state of denial, his one profile on that dating site, and its associated profiles in various porn sites, should have been enough for me to realize he was a lying manipulator. In addition, on that site, I found very compelling evidence that he was a dark past, but did not make the connection.
It took me about two months to stop looking at his Facebook and to delete my account on that dating site. In that time, I did not directly contact him, nor have I contacted him since.
Six months later, I was going over to Europe, including a stop in England. For that, I decided to use the internet to perhaps meet some people beforehand. I steered away from the most popular UK, knowing he had a profile there as his friends joked about it. I admit to trying to find that profile, but I was not successful.
There is another gay site very popular in the UK, one where I actually met a nice guy several years before for what became a non-sexual friendship. This guy even came to stay at my place in New York. Since I remembered this site being more of a “sporty” type guy site, I felt it would be the last place where the x-spath would have a profile, but he did. One that was so offensive to me that I was triggered unlike I ever remember.
At this point, I now had unambiguous evidence that he was a liar, in a way that was both offensive and humiliating to me. Yet in the depths of both serious physical and mental health conditions, I could not emotionally accept the obvious. Under the same profile name, I found one on the other gay UK site but neither was active.
Right then, I should have made the final connection but did not. However, I felt angry enough at him that I did one smart thing: right before my open heart surgery, I decided against contacting him.
Somebody made the comment that the Internet can be used as a virtual “drive-by.” I could not agree more. But why do we do it? Certainly, in my case I wanted to find answers to a myriad of questions, with the internet raising more questions than answering. In addition, I think internet checking is indicative of not wanting to let go, perhaps even of a desire to have one last chance to make it right.
One last “revelation” can in February, when I was planning a trip to Prague. Again, I went to very population European gay site and found a profile of his there. It was very, very active but none of the details were true. And his photo was barely recognizable, so much so that will the wrong age, location in London, height and “private” details, I was at first convinced it was not him, but it was.
I finally got it — by only being active on non-UK sites, my x-spath clearly has something to hide. Perhaps this is the real reason with he became a flight attendant. For all this, again I am thankful. The gay world is a small one and I intellectually know that if I ever bump into him again anywhere — run.
At the same time, I wonder if I would have been better off without the internet, since I am still bothered by the fact that up to about April this year, his Facebook Profile picture is one taken the day we met.
Given he lives in London, without the internet, I could not “drive by” or do anything that broke even “virtual” contact. But I would not know the truth about him and would be vulnerable to future manipulations.
All I want to know is WHAT is it about THEM that makes us not want to give up? What is it that we can’t forget about them and still want to check up on them? Sometimes I think it’s something more about them than it is about us.
Louise,
it’s both. it’s our addiction to their drama.
Like when you have a favorite drama series or soap opera on tv. You get addicted to the cliff hangers, you just HAVE to tune in every week to get your fix.
Spath’s are the same way, except that their drama has evil intent. DON’T look!