Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Skylar
I completely agree, it’s addiction to drama. I think this pull is the most dangerous.
I also think there is utter disbelief. Reading BBE’s description – the detailed description – BBE clearly is just baffled and is trying to understand it, look for the patterns, root cause it. And he can’t. Because it makes no sense unless the guy is a spath, in which it does make sense.
To those of us who have God in us, those of us who spend more time in the TRUTH and not swimming in LIES it does not make sense at all.
People gawk at car accidents. We gawk at spaths too.
Athena
Callmeathena;
Yes, one conclusion I drew is that the very nature of all these things I learned make no sense unless you accept the person is a sociopath.
Everything to learn, makes your head spin.
Louise;
We want answers to questions that only the sociopath can answer. But even then, they will pull a Romney…
But I never was addicted to other people’s drama…only his. As a matter of fact, I always hated drama…didn’t want to be involved with it at all. I stayed away from all the gossip at work, etc. I was the quiet one who pretty much kept to myself. And car accidents? I hate rubber neckers! Can’t stand it. Huge pet peeve of mine. THEY are the reason the traffic is tied up because they just HAVE to look!!!!!!! UGGHH. Soooooo, I will never know what it was about this man that made me addicted other than he is the devil in human form.
As a side note…I am at my mom’s right now and having huge issues with her. Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you.
Louise;
Same here. I don’t like drama and never followed anyone else’s drama. I am on Facebook, but rarely look at anyone’s posts or pictures.
I lived in Canada just after the x-spath. Canada has UK style postal codes. I cannot remember mine in Canada but I remember his…
BBE:
I think there is something to the fact that both of ours was English. I think one aspect is we were taken in by that charm. It had to be.
Louise, and BBE,
I think you are both right. I don’t like drama either, never followed anybody elses drama, never engaged in it.
But my spath? I’m still flabbergasted. I have done the FB peek thing. It just flipping blows my mind! I do know that being with the spath caused drama & drama addiction in me. I also know that I am a very curious person and despite reading sooo many books on spathhood, I just can’t emotionally understand it. So I gawk. I say “really?” I look again and I can’t comprehend it. Louise, it’s because it’s exactly what you say. It’s Evil.
Unreal.
Athena
Guys, if you can follow the progress of the spath without being triggered, if it validates you or helps you move on with your life, so much the better. But if it triggers you, why do you keep doing it? Who else is going to take care of you but you? Personally, if I know an event or situation will trigger me when I’m trying to heal, I avoid it if I can. If I cannot avoid it, I try to minimize the damage by anticipating everything that could possibly happen ahead of time so I can be prepared. At some point you have to make a conscious choice to just take the focus off them and put it on you. Addiction is just a place where the mind goes when you are avoiding going inside and experiencing your own feelings. Usually they are painful feelings and they can be tough to go through. I watch my mind go into obsession about men all the time. All the freakin’ time! I physically have to reign my mind in and go inside (where there is usually some sort of feeling I’m avoiding) because the fantasy is much more exciting than the feelings I’m avoiding. This really takes discipline, an act of will, and a understanding of the healing process. The way it works is that if you keep pulling back your energy from the other person, and continuing to go inside yourself and focus on what is going on inside of you, keeping your focus in the present moment, things WILL change. You WILL heal. And then you will lose interest in the obsession. You will not need to obsess anymore because you will be living your life more fully in the present moment.
For me, I still get carried away in fantasies about certain men I want to be with. It short circuits my healing process, but I don’t want to let go of the fantasies. If I could just let them go, I could heal so much faster. But they are delicious and I don’t want to let them go! It’s the same for any kind of obsessing. Obsession takes the mind into the past or the future. It very rarely has much to do with what is going on in the present. Healing happens when you are in the present moment. So as long as you are obsessing, looking on FB and getting triggered, starting a new round of “what is he doing? and who is he doing it with?” then you remain stuck and you delay your healing process. It has to be a choice to quit, just like quitting any addiction is a choice. You make the choice because you want what is on the other side. But it is counterproductive to obsess and obsess and then to ask why it’s so hard to let go! It’s not that it’s hard to let go. It’s just that you won’t do it. Letting go is a conscious choice. The more you do it, the more it becomes habit. It is just where your mind habitually goes. If you changed your thought process from “It’s hard to stop obsessing” to “I keep choosing to obsess”, then you will see your own choice. Only when you see you are making a choice can you choose to make a different choice.
This is my .02. My posts are not the most popular around here, but I continue to speak my mind – not sure why sometimes.
star Iread all your posts. thank you for this. you gave me some new insights.
Iam going to mark this ******* so I can find it again.
hugs
athena
Star;
You are right. It is the “fantasy” thing to some degree. But for me, it is not a physical/sexual fantasy. I am a gay me and see enough of that. No, the x-spath played the “innocent” game and I fell for that hook, line and sinker. But even knowing that he is far from innocent, mostly likely HIV+, a still have this yin-yang for his neediness.
The last trigger even, and this I swear was it, involved the simple fact his entire profile is a lie. His age is lie. His height is a lie. His location is lie. He uses a picture (as usual) in which he appears young. Even his claimed “endowment” is a lie.
Yet, he says he is “looking for somebody good for me.” And there is that part of me that wants to strangle him. He had that. Even if I was not right, he is not going to get somebody good for him via a profile that is a lie…
But this is what sociopaths do…