Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
BBE,
It sounds like to me from reading your posts that there is some underlying pain that is associated with your obsessing about him. The thoughts are pointing to the pain, and the anger is all part of it. Is there any way, when you start obsessing about him and what he does and what he is, etc., to – instead of making it about him – turn the awareness on yourself and go inside and look at the feeling that is being triggered? “What am I feeling?” “Why am I feeling this?” “What happens if I just sit here and continue to feel it?” If you go into the vortex of this feeling, I would bet a thousand dollars, you will have a healing. And when that happens, you will obsess about him less. It sounds like the “story” about him and your focus on him is preventing you from accessing your deeper feelings. That is what is needed in order for you to move on. Whatever you are going through – at its core – is not about him. He is just the trigger. If it wasn’t him, it would eventually have been someone else.
Instead of saying…..”he does this and he does that”, you can say something like…..”I am feeling angry. I am feeling betrayed.” “I am hurt because I feel………” etc. This is a start because it is about YOU. You are the one who is important here. He is just a worthless sack of shit. Who cares what he is doing? YOU are what is important.
Please keep in mind that words are very powerful. Whenever any of you say “It’s hard to move on”, you are actually creating that experience for yourself. On the other hand, every single moment you focus on something in the present moment – listening to a sound, feeling your feet on the ground or your breath as it comes in through your nostrils, feeling a sensation in your body, you ARE moving on. Your life is moving on when you do that. You cannot be stuck and moving on at the same time. You get to choose which one you want. Choose wisely! And if not, at least be aware of what you are choosing. Only when you are aware of your choices can you make different choices.
Star, You’ve come a long way on your journey. You aren’t the same woman you were when you came here. I think I told you a lot of the things that you are now sharing with others. You resisted me so much, and even started ignoring me, LOL….that’s what we do when we don’t want to let go of something….I knew that, so it didn’t bother me too much. I still want to shake you sometimes, though, when I know you’re in the middle of your obsessing the fantasy, but, wow….how very far you’ve come, out of denial, and a lot more self-awareness. Good job, Star. Really.
BBE, “looking for somebody good for me” could certainly be a terrible trigger, on its own. First of all, you could interpret that to say, “Hey, I WAS ‘good’ to him and it wasn’t enough.” This would continue the spiral of his causing you pain, by proxy.
But, I have to ask why you’re still looking up his profile or allowing anyone else to tell you about him and/or what he’s doing? This has been a long haul for you, BBE, and it doesn’t matter whether someone’s gay, hetero, bi, or asexual. No Contact means every possible level.
I don’t “need” to know what the exspath is doing or whom he’s doing it to. It’s not going to change what he’s done to me. And, if I keep obsessing over him, I’m avoiding myself and my own healing needs.
You hold the keys to your own recovery, BBE, NOT the lying predator. Let it go. Let HIM go. Your potential is sabotaged every time you give that jagoff a nanosecond of thought.
Brightest and most healing blessings
I think that the fantasies is more about escaping reality, especially when you’ve been through something like this. When the pain is so big it becomes a mechanism to stay safe and not alone. I’ve never felt so lonely as I did after my spath in my entire life. In my fantasies at least I could dream my self to a better place instead of lying awake every night worrying about my fincial situation for example. The thing is, as the time goes by and we’ve worked hard with our selves, we become step by step more grounded. Now I’ve come to that point where I have to take a good look at my fantasies and start to work on them. They represent lost dreams and goals. I had a dream that I would become married and then the P came into my life. Well, now he’s gone and I’m still not married. Now it’s the furthest thing away. That dream kept me going with my spath. It kept me going for a long time (yes he saw that one and used it against me) and it really triggered fear in me. Would I ever get married? Did I want to get married if it couldn’t be with him? What other man would want me? And so went the questions on and on, just dragging me more down than ever. Then it was easier to go back and stay under the illusion of what had been.
Now I have to let go of it just as I’ve done with the spath so I can move forward. Old dreams belongs in the past and it’s time to let them go and start to create new ones. My dreams were based on old patterns and now that I’m slowly changing with the new information I’ve got about my self and what I’ve been through, I got to figure out what is it I really want to dream about? Is it realistic? Is it something I can live by and not fool myself? How do I feel about my self and what do I really want in my life? Maybe if we put some of our dreams to rest, we just might also put our obsession over the p to rest.
I’m not saying that every fantasy is “bad” and I do very much agree with Stargazer. Some are triggers, some are glorifying others and some fantasies are good so we’ve got something to reach for. Point is that we do have some fantasies that are defence mechanisms that no longer do us any good. Put them to rest and make place for new ones.
Sunflower, holy cow. This is, bar none, the most profound post you’ve ever made and it is thoroughly STRONG and all about recovering YOURSELF!
TOWANDA to you!!!! wow….
Thank you my dear 🙂
I just want to mention something. When I first went into therapy, the first thing my councelor said to me after hearing my P story, was: “You had a dream to be loved. This is what this is about-The good girl syndrome.”
Oh boy how she was right. It sent me into a total crash. I’ve thought about what she said over and over for a year now. It has many aspects in it, from childhood wounds, to shame to self worth, just to mention a few.
In my fantasies I fantasise about having lot’s of friends, a good man, money enough to have a huge bbq party and lots of fun. This really got me into trouble when I tried to make it true. The foundation within my self did not attract the people I dreamt about, but my fantasy kept me under the illusion. I thought the people around me really was true friends. I really thought I had a good foundation in my self as well.
BUT, I wanted to be loved by any cost. I would have done anything to be loved. My P didn’t love me. I had used all my energy to make someone who was not capable of love to love me. I even did it with my friends. I cleaned their houses in the hope that they would like me and be my friends. How stupid is that, hu? Where did it get me? Nowhere. I lost everything I had, and the worst part… I lost my self.
Now that I am putting my new knowledge into action, people around me is not very happy about it. Some “friend/s” are freezing me out when I’m not willing to do what they want, but guess what? I don’t give a frack about it. They are so mad and at first I felt like such a bad person, but then I though: Why should I? What do I get for walking her dogs? She only calls when she wants something from me. She never keeps what she promises, she lies about many things, she never visits me, she doesn’t even know me and she’s never been there for me once. Hmm…She’s not a friend, she’s only using me! When I realized this I didn’t go into self blame, I didn’t go into shame and I stopped the negative thinking. I suddenly felt love for my self. When I put my foot down, I kept my integrety and it felt so good. So she can sit there and bad mouth me, I’ll be just fine without her. It wasn’t about me, it was about her. She’s just mad I’m no longer willing to become used and abused.
In my new fantasies I am a strong woman standing tall and feeling good about her self, I have a new and better dream for a new life.
The hard work is starting to pay off 🙂 It’s been hell, but I’d do it again. It is worth the fight.
Watch your thoughts for they become words.
Watch your words for they become actions.
Watch your actions for they become habits.
Watch your habits for they become your character.
Watch your character for it becomes your destiny.
What we think we become.
Star,
I think you have shown a lot of awareness in your above posts. There is nothing in there that I would disagree with. Actually, it’s like I’m reading stuff in there that I know people have tried to get across for you months ago. So, I agree with Kim here… you have come to self empowering insights about obsessions, blocks, and the deeper emotions. TOWANDA!
Sunflower, you are so right. Integrety. I have been using that word, a lot in the last 24 hours. I think I’m gonna google it on Wikpedia, and post it here. Thanks.
Stargazer;
Some of my comments reflect more of a past mood than anything current. However, I still do admit thinking about the x-spath at time more than I would like.
More important, your words are very wise and worth noting, not just about him but some other situations as well. Thanks.