Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Stargazer
Truthy, I also spend a bit of time on this and my reptile site, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing either. 🙂 Do you really think all spath victims are looking for validation of some sort? I think it’s just an addiction to pain and drama sometimes, like looking at a trainwreck. You know you’re gonna see something you don’t want to see, some evidence that he’s moved on to a new romance. This is usually what I’m expecting when I’m looking for an ex on FB – I want to see if he’s married or who he’s dating. It has never occurred to me that he would advertise on FB that he’s gotten his due karma. Usually people don’t post negative stuff on FB. I wouldn’t expect my exspath to get on FB and talk about how he was in prison or had a dishonorable discharge from the army. But anyway, I give people credit that deep down they know what they need to do, but they don’t do it because that’s part of the addiction to the spath, seeing what he’s up to, etc. Just a way of maintaining contact while making it appear to him like there’s no contact.
I totally understand about your fear of internet dating given how many predators there are on dating sites. After doing it for many years, I have never had a truly bad or dangerous experience on a dating site, so I don’t have that fear. However, I much prefer to meet someone in person anyway and have that face-to-face contact. Trying to find a good match from a one-dimensional profile for me is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I’m having much better luck just going dancing.
Truthspeak
Stargazer, yeah, I do think that victims are looking for a false validation in conjunction with feeding their addiction to spath drama/trauma. If THEY hurt so badly, then the spath MUST have some sense of the harm that they’ve caused. The problem for these people is that they likely don’t yet understand what they’ve been dealing with and, more to the point, that the spath never cared, to begin with. The addiction aspect is interesting because, once the phone is turned off and the FB page deleted, there really IS a withdrawal process. Whom that withdrawal might center around isn’t the point. Technology has made it very, very easy to remain “connected” without any personal effort, at all. They use the word, “connect,” as if choosing the “accept” option for “friend requests” creates some sort of bond.
People surely use internet profiles to post negativity, even if it’s simply by way of “I’m sad.” What I noticed about this was that people who felt the need for attention would post random remarks like that and, suddenly, half the people on their “friends” list would respond with some sort of attempt to lift their spirits. It’s a narcissist’s playground, IMHO. Some of the people who were on my list of friends had hundreds on their own lists, and I never recall having any of those people actually make a random, personal post, unprompted, on my page – ever.
For me, I’m just trying to recover and the social networks offer nothing for me in the way of assistance. I’ve got a furnace that needs to be replaced – it’s too dangerous to light and the damage is too great to repair. My hot-water heater went, last week. And, I don’t have a safe propane hookup to use the stove that the exspath found on the side of the road. None of these people know or care about my current situation, and I’m not interested in whether or not they “like” Tide detergent or WalMart! LMAO!!!!!
Brightest blessings
Stargazer
Wow, truthy, it’s hard for me to imagine having the time or the desire to post about my daily emotions on the worldwide web. I am such a private person.
And yes, you’re right, the person who is grieving over a spath may not yet realize what they were dealing with and still project human feelings onto them. When you really get what you are dealing with, you wouldn’t want to waste a precious moment of your time on a spath anymore. At least I didn’t. Once I figured it out, I was completely done. If I wanted to, I could probably still call his old platoon sergeant (she and I became friends at one point) to find out whatever happened to him. But honestly, I just don’t care. I don’t want to know.
Again, I think this advice of staying off FB is good no matter who you are breaking up with. FB has destroyed so many relationships and has prevented so many people from moving on. I know I could easily “stalk” my salsa crush guy on FB. He has an account – I’ve seen his picture there. But I refuse to go into his profile and account. I figure if there is something he wants me to know about him, he’ll tell me. That is the old-fashioned way of getting to know someone, and I think it’s much healthier. It IS an addiction, and the point of an addiction is that it helps us avoid dealing with our own pain.
Louise
I guess this makes me feel like “what’s wrong with me?” I KNOW what he is…I KNOW what he has done…I KNOW he never cared for me and I still want to KNOW what’s going on his life…why?? I do NOT want him back, I really don’t, but I still feel this obsession to know what is going on his life…what is he doing?…is he still scamming other women?…is he still living at home? I don’t know…I guess it’s just the residual feelings I am having. I trust that it will all leave me in due time.
Louise
Another after thought…I guess it’s because the bottom line is I loved him. Plain and simple. He didn’t love me, but I loved him and when we love someone, we want to know what’s going on in their lives, don’t we?
darwinsmom
I don’t think it’s about love, Louise. If it’s a residue of love you would just hope they’re having a happy life.
I think it’s a residue of the addiction to the drama they brought in our lives as well as them. You’d be amazed though how easy it becomes though if the addiction has eased to not check once you block it all. These people occupied our mind, body and soul for close to 100% during the relationshit. It’s simply not something you can switch off with a fingersnap. Shutting them out of our physical life is the first step. I think that people compensate this by keeping online tabs. However, just like we decided to go NC in a physical way almost pure rationally, against our addiction desires, it’s also best to go NC in other ways too not soon after, because in a way I think it keeps a minor part of the addiction fix going.
Louise
darwinsmom:
I agree. It’s just tough. Time heals all wounds.
kim frederick
Loise, I had a 7 year long, on again-off again trauma-bonded relationship that I just could not shake. I realized it was addictive, and I knew it was bad for me, and I knew I wanted it over. I would end it, and then the cycle would repeat. I didn’t use face-book, but the behavior was the same. I used mutual friends to keep in touch….to keep the door just slightly open, so I could keep tabs on him…and, of course, he did the same thing…it’s like a drip, drip, drip of the addictive substance, and keeps the addiction going.
I think, this desire to keep tabs, comes from a residual glimmer of makignant hope…..that the jerk will change, or that he has changed, or that he misses me, and realizes the error of his ways…This time it will be different, kind of thinking. It may also be that we want to get a glimpse of the truth, that he hasn’t changed, that he’s still a jerk and that he isn’t treating the new girl-friend any better then he treated us…all pretty justifiable desires, but, the truth is, it hurts, more than it helps. It fuels the addictive process and the dramatrauma….keeps the cycle going. The only way to stop it is to suffer through the with-drawl of cold-turkey. You may obsess, and ruminate, feel sad and heart-broken, feel angry, and wretched, but all that passes away, eventually. The trick is to get through it without giving into the addiction.
I have been out of that relationship for 6 years. I have not entered into another relationship, and have had about 2 dates. I rarely think about that BF anymore, and find that now, if I run into a mutual friend who fill’s me in on what he’s doing, It doesn’t cause any emotional energy, at all. In fact, his SIL, and Neice came in the restaraunt to eat last night, and told me that he is about to be homeless again. My response? I just smiled, looked her in the eyes and said, “He’ll be okay…he’ll just find another woman.”
Apparently he had asked them if he could pitch a tent in their back-yard. LOL. Nope. They never change.
Stargazer
Louise, I honestly don’t think you have really wrapped your mind around what he is. Once you do that, even if your heart and your emotions tell keep you attached, your mind will tell you it’s completely useless to stay in any kind of contact whatsoever. What would be the point? Yes, he has more victims, yes, he is probably playing someone else. Why do you want to see it? Do you think he will somehow change or have remorse? Or that he is different with the next person? If you are still thinking this, you still have some denial and have not completely wrapped your mind around what he is. The vampire already took a big chunk of your life? Why give him one more second of it? This is how I felt when I went NC. Once I knew for certain it was not workable, I knew I would never want anything to do with him again. It took my emotions a little while to catch up with my head. It was a mental decision. Eventually, my heart followed and I moved on. It took a long time, but it happened more quickly once I stopped googling him and trying to find out what happened to him. I really didn’t care. All I cared about was that he was out of my life and wouldn’t likely reappear.
darwinsmom
Star, in my experience, even when you fully accept who or what the spath is and have wrapped your mind around it, there still is a compulsive urge to keep tabs. The addiction to these people creates a compulsion: originally to be with them, talk with them, touch them… and when there is nothing else to watch them.
It’s a bit like Monk who has this compulsive urge to touch every pole on his path. It feels easier short term to give in to that residue compulsion, than it does to ignore it. It requires energy for the one feeling the urge not to give in to it… independently of what they think and know of the object.