Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Yeah, I understand the compulsion. My ex that I lived with many years ago who hurt me very badly……when I moved out, I lived only a few miles away. I would still occasionally drive past his house even years later to see if his cars were there. This was before the days of FB. Thank god FB wasn’t around then.
I think to recover, your mind and your will have to be stronger than the addiction.
darwinsmom, kim, Star:
Love this conversation. I am going to respond and have so much to say, but don’t have the time right now. I will be back later this evening or tonight to share my thoughts. Thank you all!
Louise, I just wanted to add that there is more to it than just being strong and staying off FB, etc. That is not enough. If you do the inner child work, you will begin to break the addiction. There is a reason we get addicted and can’t let go. It’s because there is pain inside and unmet needs, and we have not accessed it. Sometimes we just want to avoid it, and sometimes we don’t know how to access it. It drives us to obsess about people or activities that are maybe not good for us. You don’t need to stay stuck in the addiction forever. You can proactively do things to break it. Doing the inner child work is the best way I know to clear the pain. That’s really all I have to offer at the moment. I don’t know about you, but I’ve gone through many break-ups with guys, some of them from being dumped. The point of moving on usually was when I could feel that last bit of pain. Accessing the pain is always the turning point to moving forward. There is a difference between real pain and the pain of obsession, which is basically an avoidance of pain.
I think healing involves a roadmap so you know where you are going and what you are trying to do. If you are still obsessing over someone after a really long time has gone by, you may be “stuck” and need some help getting “unstuck”. This is how I regard my healing process anyway. The help is usually in the form of looking at something inside. Sometimes I can access the repressed feelings by myself through meditation. Sometimes it takes a very skilled professional. But there *should* be movement. I don’t consider it normal to spend year after year obsessing over someone. If this is the case, there is something going on besides it just taking a long time to heal. New, healthy positive experiences should be replacing the old memories and helping you to forget and move on. But you cannot allow these things into your life until you make room for them by clearing out the old pain that is buried in there.
Just knowing you are “stuck” can be very enlightening. Knowing you are stuck is different from saying, “Will I ever get over this? Will I ever feel better? I am a mess.” It is saying you are bigger than the stuck feelings. Just realizing this in and of itself will raise your consciousness, which is what needs to happen in order to heal. If you know you are stuck (but that you *can* get unstuck with the right help), you can now ask the universe for help in getting unstuck. Then be open to the form it arrives in.
kim:
Thank you for sharing your story about that addictive romance. I agree about the glimmer of malignant hope. I have it, but then I tell myself no…stop. I am aware and talk to myself a lot…trying to talk myself out of my feelings. I think what you described as far as trying to stop it is actually what the spath did. I believe he saw it as something that could go on and on if we both let it, but he wasn’t going to let it anymore and so he actually did me a favor by stopping it. I think I have gone through great pains to also end it. I didn’t contact him for seven whole months at one point so I can control myself when I really want to and really concentrate on it. So in essence, I have gone cold turkey more than once, but this last time is the LAST time. There is no going back. It just was what it was and it was over a long time ago, but we both kept it going for whatever reasons. Him because he thought I was going to report him so I believe he kept me on the line and I am still angry about that. And me just because I had so many feelings for him. It is amazing how much better I really am doing compared to a year ago or geez, two years ago…HA…I was a MESS then. So there is testament to the fact that time does help. It just does. I mean, what else can we do? Especially when we come to the realization of what it really was all about. And what it was all about was us being scammed and them doing the scamming. It was all a game. I am so very glad to hear you have blissful indifference to that old boyfriend now. That’s funny about him pitching a tent…haha. I know I will get there. I truly don’t feel the same way about him as I did say a year ago or even six months ago…something has changed and I think the change is just the beginning of the indifference that is coming. I also have had about two dates in the past almost three years. Not sure when that will really change, but it will if I’m meant to meet someone. Thanks again for your post to me.
darwinsmom:
Yep, that is so true. I love how you put it as far as wanting to be with them, talk to them, touch them…and when there is nothing else, watch them (from afar)…OMG YES! I felt like if I didn’t do all those things I was going to die…literally die. I am pretty much past that now. Not 100% completely, but way on my way. I haven’t seen him in 15 months so that’s a pretty long time. Haven’t talked to him either…only texts of trying to get closure which it originally looked like he was going to give me, but then of course, did not. So I have made my own closure.
Stargazer:
Let me say first before anything else…I don’t look up the spath on Facebook. He has a blank profile so there is nothing to stalk. He has had a skeleton profile for over two years. I admit I would if there was anything there to stalk, but there is not other than he has one lone friend now who I believe is the woman he was supposedly in love with in Puerto Rico who is NOW living in our city. So there is nothing there to check. Other than me turning up at a bar he frequents (which I don’t do!!), there is no way for me to know anything about him unless someone from where he still works (where I use to work) brings up something about him and tells me. And no, I will not go no contact with a lot of these people because a lot of them are good, true friends to me. I am not going to get rid of them because of him…that would be horrible. Now…there are a few people who I don’t talk to now because of him, but they were never real close friends to begin with. So, now that we have all that out of the way…
To your point about why keep in contact after knowing what he is…I don’t keep in contact anymore. I stopped it awhile ago. I guess one of the reasons I kept it going as long as I did is because I didn’t want to give up…I didn’t want to be a quitter. I say that because I quit my job because of him and he knew it. I gave up everything because of him so I think he saw me as a quitter. I thought if I gave up on him loving me, that is what he would have expected…wanting me to give up and I didn’t want to do that, but like you said above, it got to the place of being what’s the point?? It came to be not a point of giving up, but a point of being smart. And also to address your point above, I can’t see it. I can’t see anything he does. Yes, he probably is still scamming someone and I think it’s the poor Puerto Rican woman who moved here to be with him. Is he still married? I have no idea. Is he separated and with her? I have no idea. But if he is, I have no doubt that he will not change and will do the same things to her that he has done to me and all the rest of his victims.
I KNOW I am or was stuck. Trust me. So I am enlightened in that way. I am not blind to that. It very well may be that there are other hidden things that I don’t realize that made me obsess about him, but I do have one question. If that is the case, why him?? Why didn’t I obsess over some other guy? Why did I barely even date in 20 years and then he came along and he was what I always wanted? I guess that’s where I don’t understand. I would think if I was trying to reach unmet needs, this would have been a pattern…man after man, but that is not the case with me. I am also not addicted to other things like alcohol, drugs or smoking. I hate to admit it, but I think it was just him. Something about him. BUT…I am willing to explore the possibility of healing the inner child…so how do I do this? Do I have to be hypnotized? Because I don’t want to do that…haha! 🙂
Louise, that’s a good question you ask – why him? I don’t know the answer. I also have no other addictions (unless you count the internet addiction), but I’ve had several guys in my life I’ve obsessed about in an addictive way. Meditation is the best way I know to do the inner work. But it’s easier said than done. I learned how to meditate at a Buddhist retreat many years ago, and I did it for weeks/months at a time, so it became a permanent practice when I was in my 20’s. Most people don’t have the inclination, the time, or the discipline to do something like that, but if they did, it could possibly cut through years of therapy. Another way to do it is finding a very skilled therapist, hypnotist, or NLP practitioner. They are not cheap either. If you are ready and in a space to be regressed, you can go back to the cause of your addiction and fix it. It can happen very quickly if you’re ready and motivated. If this is not in your budget, I recommend at least reading some of Eckhart Tolle’s books. I can’t recall if you are a fan of his or not. If you are in a place to hear his message, it can activate the healing process for you. It will raise your consciousness just to read his writings. I’m sure there are many other books that will do the same thing. I get that effect when I read anything by Chogyam Trungpa, who was a Buddhist teacher. But not everyone relates to the Buddhist teachings.
I’ve been doing inner child work for many years, but it’s not always easy to do on my own, especially in dealing with the very early years. Recently, all the fears of rejection started surfacing along with my new social life, and I knew I needed help. A close friend gifted me $300 to use for some sort of therapy. And as if by fate, that same week, another friend mentioned a hypnotist that is recognized as one of the best in town. He does a series of sessions for $300. I had a gut feeling it would help and it did. You need to go with your gut about what feels right to you. But when you do clear the childhood issues (or they can even come from past lives), your life will dramatically improve.
For my 3 sessions, I chose to remove the blocks to having a healthy and happy relationship in my life. Since I completed the third session, I suddenly am having a lot of attention from men, and they have all been very kind to me. It’s like some portal has opened or something. I am meeting men my age and really enjoying and appreciating them. I feel I am attracting men who are appropriate for me to date. If you recall, a year ago I was ready to move to Costa Rica because “there were no men here.” I was addicted to the drama with my rock star neighbor (remember him?) and it tormented me that he lives next door. NOW, he and I have become close friends, and we hang out together all the time. I never thought this would happen. He takes me out to dinner, calls me for advice about his life, and stays in touch with me throughout the week. My attitude toward men and relationships has completely changed, and I feel I am much closer to attracting one than I’ve ever been. I believe it’s just a matter of time now. Of course there’s my salsa crush who is the man I truly believe I’m going to marry. But he’s not ready yet. So while I’m waiting, I’m just out there dating and open to someone who IS ready.
I got off on a tangent and I’m sorry about that.
I guess no contact means NO CONTACT. Something like FB is providing supply to “things”. They count on us checking on that, just to hurt our souls even further and just to be the ARROGANT bastards they are…then deny and lie to add major f*cking insult to injury. I have a 19 year old neighbor with a baby and I know for a fact her bf that is also my neighbor is a THING…i can see it in those reptilian eyes and also everything he has done to her like cheating, beating her, taking her money…just normal things that THINGS do. I try to explain to her what THINGS are, but it takes too much energy. She follows his FB and just the other day, she came over crying about how she saw messages of him and his wife that he was supposed to divorce, canoodling….and new pics of some new hot item he is seeing (all within 2 days of her tatooing his name on her back in a tramp stamp). And I am too damned embarassed of telling her how he cornered me and exposed himself to me when he knocked on the door to bum a cigarette. (choke, spit, gag) Makes me sick. Especially energy absorbed in warning others what they are dealing with, like pulling out Dr. Hare’s book and showing then lovefraud.com. I just wish there was like a star trek “beam me up” device to educate them totally without spending hours of explaining what they are dealing with. I’m freaking TIRED of pointing out “THINGS”.
full-fledged no contact.
all the way no contact.
no cheating. no peeking.
no emails, texts, phone calls.
nothing.
just silence.
over and done.
NO CONTACT means just that: NO contact.
It’s the only thing that really works.
It is like kicking an addiction and committing
yourself to the process. YOU MUST TAKE that
first step in order for the healing and newness
of life to overtake you.
In that NC you will find yourself.
I agree Back_. No ONE could have said it better, except maybe Ox (snicker…smooch smooch). But it makes me ill that I MUST maintain contact with my daughter somehow in some form or fashion so that social services won’t interfere with the custody of my son. Right now they think I just ABANDONED her. FU*kers say she isn’t doing well in the facility, yet say that I have some part in not working with her therapy and reunification. I have even emailed social services links to here…..they are clueless zombies. She has them all fooled that she is REALLy gotten better this time. Almost month 3 with no contact. But FUUUU****k, I gotta go put on one of the masks that one of the THINGS in my life dropped and pony up and go pretend like I am making an effort.