Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Tdpprocessing1, is your daughter still a legal minor? If not, what she does are her own choices.
As for this neighbor, why are you even allowing such a toxic situation invade your life when you have enough on your own plate to manage? Yeah, I would feel badly for her and her baby, but I sure as heck wouldn’t get involved with someone who is clearly choosing a very, very damaging path.
It may be a good option to consider counseling therapy for yourself, if you’re not already involved. Having a spath child comes with a whole host of issues, especially when he/she attempts to play games with non-spath family members. My eldest son was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder Cluster B, and he has such a strong trauma-bond with my younger son that it’s incomprehensible. The older son still tries to maintain contact through my younger son, and I give him NOTHING to give to the spath sibling.
Spath children can be extremely destructive because they use their parent’s sense of family to the Nth Degree in their mainpulations and games.
Yes – No Contact means none, of ANY sort. Even Third Party contact when people deliver messages and updates. NONE. And, the way to put the brakes on THAT little tactic is to firmly state, “I don’t want to know what he/she is doing, and I won’t entertain any discussion of him/her. That’s FINAL.” What is the Third Party going to do??? NOT LIKE ME??? Disapprove of me? ROTFLMAO!!! I hope so! Then, they’ll move on to another dramarama and get the hell out of MY life.
Brightest blessings
Louise, you didn’t obsess over someone else like the last one because the last one made you believe that you were The One. Well, if you were The One, how could he have done the things that he did???
When we are entangled with spaths, we cannot see that they’re mirroring our own desires or wants, and that they are chameleons that have the ability to alter their superficial appearance to suit each individual. When we finally discover their betrayals, we believe that those betrayals were a result of OUR failures to please THEM. Hence, Stargazer’s very apt reference to our wounded “inner child.”
For whatever reason, the spath was able to hone in on an issue or vulnerability and exploit it to meet his needs. Once those “needs” were met, Louise was discarded. And, it HURT because the discard somehow fell onto YOUR shoulders. Either by direct accusation, or proxy, YOU were blamed for HIS choices, right? THIS is why we obsess.
“Darling, darling….I’ve changed to suit you, now. I’ve cut ties with everyone that I know and I’m emotionally invested in you. I’ve put ALL of my trust and feelings into YOUR hands. Will you validate me, now? Will you love me, now? I’ve done what you asked. I’ve given you money, changed my appearance, and put everything into YOUR hands. WHY won’t you love me?”
That’s what our psyche goes through when we are entangled with spaths. And, that’s why we become obsessed with them, IMHO. We’ve done everything that they’ve asked us to. Why don’t they love us as much as we’ve clearly loved them? Yepper….it stinks.
Brightest supportive blessings
Star:
Thanks for the reply. I will look into this healing…thanks. 🙂
Oh, and to clarify, Louse…..I was “The One,” too. I was called “soulmate” and every other endearment, and I totally believed what the exspath was telling me. After all, I wouldn’t make such statements unless I truly “loved” someone, so why would someone that I care about NOT make the same claims if they didn’t “love” me as much as they said that they did?
It’s all a part of that cog/diss, and I hated it. Wrapping my head around the absolute fact that, “I love you,” held as much water as a paper bag took a lot of painful time. So, be good to yourself, dear one. We’re all here on this site because we believed the illusion, just as you did.
Brightest blessings and big hugs
Truthspeak:
Thanks for the explanation. You know, I posted this a long, long time ago long before you were on this blog so I will write it again. Something very interesting the spath said to me. He said to me and I quote, “I don’t know anything about you.” Get it??? He was trying to do exactly what you were describing above, but I was not feeding him anything. I confused him. I was not like other women just spewing all my hopes and dreams so he really had nothing to scam me with. He couldn’t mirror my desires and wants because I didn’t let him know what they were. I think THAT is why he left so early…seriously. I did not fit his script (those are actually words of a therapist I saw only twice). She said there was something about me that didn’t fit his “script.” He even told me months later down the road that I was mysterious. Sooooo, I was not and am not the typical woman. BUT…I do admit that there was “something” he saw…some vulnerability and he worked on what he could. I believe it was just my sweetness. OW helped out on that one…she told him I was “sweet.” Oh, great…thanks a lot for that one, OW!!! She just gave him fuel. He thought (and I guess thought correctly) that if I was sweet, he could swindle me. Sweet yes, but not so forthcoming and telling him everything about me. I told him nothing. He also told me that same night that he was “different.” I will never forget that. I think he was trying to tell me what he was. Isn’t that crazy?
Also, that’s not really true about someone else not making me feel like I was the one. Other men have made me think that…I just didn’t feel it for them. They felt like I was the one, but I didn’t feel they were.
I appreciate you taking the time to post to me. If there is anything else you think of, please type away! I like taking in all the advice and trying to figure out where it fits in with what happened to me.
Truthspeak:
We posted over each other and I just read your second post.
I know, I get it. In hindsight, mine only said what he did to get what he wanted. The first go around was for sex and the second time it was to keep me from reporting him. He is the perfect example of what Donna said in her 10 thing spaths want. In Number 1…Sex…she mentions how they want sex, but yet they are not slaves to their urges. They will use sex as the tool to get other things they want and that’s exactly what he did. The second time around there was no sex (looking back, thank God for that), but he always dangled it above my head. It was manipulation big time.
Yep, the cog/diss is absolutely horrible and the biggest thing I have struggled with. That alone is what has made me ruminate for over two years now, but it is waning. Thank God. There will be an end to this misery.
FB can be a good thing, I have met new people and carried over friendships from myspace, I have warm friendships with people all over the world, like anything you have to monitor and set boundaries, 1 of my FB friends was the one to say, “you need to look up sociopath” THAT changed my entire world. I used to stalk like a crazy woman on the internet, I found a lot of “stuff” that hurt but at least I knew the truth then, after enough stalking and triggering from looking at the ex’s page, I now can proudly say I rarely do, the ex owes me thousands of $$$$ so I keep an eye out………..I know I will probably NEVER be repaid but…….. I have de-activated my fb page from time to time, to much media coming at me really triggers me when I am at a low point, I have found out who my friends are, hence I have a very small amount of friends, I know they care, most dont understand but they try to be patient and comforting, I would be lost without them!! As for the groups, was in a few, I find now being anonymous is better for me!! and Yes all the pictures, updates, what people had for breakfast lunch and dinner and everything they do in between riles me, it just shows me all types of mankind, for the most part I my “likes” are for animals, the planet and optimistic messages!!! Yes I am hooked on FB but now it’s a good thing!
Louise,
Why him? After all those years of singlehood… I had a relationship of 5.5 years from my 19 until 24 (the first man I ever slept with), then a very long distance one for 0.5 a year with the biggest love of my life when I was 27 (the third man I ever slept with). After that NADA, no relationship at all for a decade! In that decade I did date, had one-night stands, friends with benefits, but nothing ever led to anything: either they weren’t interested in anything serious, or I was closed up with commitment angst and shared NADA about my emotional inner life and dreams. There were a very few guys I started to crush on or sometimes thought ‘maybe I could fall in love with him’, but usually by then it was over. And then came the spath.
And the attraction was very VERY hard to resist. At first I didn’t like him and told myself to stay clear of him. But circumstances threw me together too often irregardless and I put a huge x-mark on my forehead by challenging him. I picked up on his spathhood from the get go I’m sure, but I didn’t know what a spath was and I was curious, studying him. Within a matter of days the attraction flared like nothing else.
I had no commitment issues anymore, he had none either (well faked the opposite), for once I did not have to struggle through the painful initial period of “he likes me, he likes me not”, and he was so much like me: highly extraverted, easy going, adventurous, and the magnetism was exhilerating. I didn’t know these traits were pathological though: as in extreme extraversion, irresponsible, reckless and using sex to make me bond.
Louise, have you read “Women who love psychopaths” yet? If you haven’t it is one of the best reads I can advize you to answer your question “Why him?”
darwinsmom:
No, I have not yet read, “Women who Love Psychopaths.” I have read many of the other books recommended on here, but not that one. I need to get it!! If it can answer “why him,” I need it. Thank you so much.
Louise,
it seems as if you are very reserved and not the type to attract attention from spaths, usually.
So it’s possible that you hadn’t encountered one before, at least not one that took notice of you and targeted you.
What happens to me when I meet a spath who targets me, is that I instantly trauma bond. I like them because I know they are dangerous and that is a survival mechanism human beings who are helpless use to not get killed by spaths.
It’s possible that you became trauma bonded to him because you sensed that he was dangerous and you needed to survive. The fact that you kept yourself a closed book, sort of indicates that. That is what I do too.
When it comes to spaths, I can’t really trust my emotions to steer me correctly because of my trauma bond tendency. That’s why I need to be able to spot them by the red flags. It’s easy now. In fact, one red flag is my attraction to them.
And they always seem to target me. I rarely slide under a spath’s radar. I’m not sure why that is.
My advice to you is to get to know yourself better. Also, learn the red flags so that you can spot them, they are everywhere, so it’s not hard to find a spath. Then observe yourself and your own response to them. This could reveal a lot about youself to you.