Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Sunflower
Speaking from my own experiences, I’ve began to notice that I don’t feel as attracted to them anymore. The more I work on my self something is shifting, what it is I’m not sure of, but as I said, I don’t feel as attracted. I’ve never really liked any of the spaths I’ve been with, but something has sucked me in. I guess it’s the trauma bond. I used to feel like something had cast a spell on me (feeling paralyzed), but I didn’t recognize it as being in love or a crush. However I did fool my self into loving them because they felt familiar. Now I can stop my self and rethink if I really like the guy. If I really don’t it’s a red flag.
I have a hunch it has something to do with seeing the protector as an attacker to protector – dissonance from childhood trauma. I too still obsess alittle, but the more work I do, the less I think of him. He is just the freshest part of the wound therefore he slips first into mind.
Louise
skylar:
I think you have nailed it. Wowwweee! That makes total sense as to why I trauma bonded with him. I knew he was dangerous because the OW warned me and therefore, I distinctly and consciously remember how I was not going to give him anything to feed from.
I can spot the red flags now…you bet I can. I see it all the time now and steer clear. Ooooohhhh, you are so right…that is the first red flag…the fact that I am attracted to them in the first place! So true!! There’s a certain feeling I get and I know right away I need to squelch it.
Extremely useful information. Thank you so much for writing to me!
skylar
Sunflower,
me too. once we learn what the trauma bond is and how it is experienced, we don’t need to act on it. It’s just old programming from a time when we WERE helpless children. Or perhaps a genetic survival mechanism.
We can protect ourselves with knowledge. Learning is the path to healing and wisdom. You sound like you are getting there. good for you!
skylar
Louise, yes it makes sense. A trauma bond is much more difficult to get over than regular love bonding.
It also skews your perception. I found that I could focus on the good stuff and totally forget the bad stuff, like HE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME AND HE POISONED ME!
But by focusing on the good stuff, I could make myself miss him and remember the warm fuzzies. it’s sick. very very sick.
I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this. Hopefully you will find a way past it or through it, IDK. It’s one of those things that I really don’t have an answer to.
Maybe just time?
Louise
skylar:
I agree, very, very sick stuff. I also find/found myself focusing on the good stuff instead of his horrible points. Yeah, yours was trying to kill you…how absolutely horrible!!!! Wow.
This also makes sense as to why it has been so difficult to get over…it was a trauma bond and not a normal bond whatsoever.
Yes, time. Time has already been my friend. It has brought me a long, long way from where I was. I truly thank God for that. I was an awful, dreadful mess. Now I feel more like I am dealing with the aftershocks just like with an earthquake. The major part is over…it’s just the remaining ripples that I have to deal with.
Blessing to you!!!!
kim frederick
Yep, me, too. That’s part of the reason why I opt out of romantic entanglements…..because I know, if I’m attracted to it, it’s toxic. Sad, but true. I have come to a point where I can spot a spath in the wild….it’s a physical feeling, a quessiness in the stomache…..butterflies? like falling in love?
There was a study done where people were walking across a hanging bridge…scary and perilious, and when they met up with a member of the opposite sex, they rated them as far more attractive then they would have, if they had met them on a country road or a walking path. Why? Because of the fear factor. Fear feels like we need to bond to save our lives. Ye gad.
I was set up to bond with my narcissistic x hub.
Isn’t it in our best interest to look for someone with a good job, who is reliable and who tells us how much they love us.
One of the reasons I trusted my hub, and married him was because of how much he loved me. My mother told me, it’s better to marry someone who loves you a little bit more than it is to marry the one you love a little bit more….
Not her fault, she had reason to believe it was true. But, wow, enter the idealizing narcissist with the love bomb, and the C-PTSD survivor and what a train-wreck. Oh, F-ing my.
kim frederick
Skylar, I went to Tarotsmith’s web-site about a week ago, and asked for a free reading. I chose the Golden dawn method, using the Biefrost deck. My significater came up as, the devel, the nine of swords, or “cruelty” and the two of swords, or “peace”. The devel can be seen as “bondage”.
I am trauma bonded….absolutely, but making my way out, for sure.
kim frederick
Here is an article that sites the bridge study, and also talks about the chemistry of love and bonding.
http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/5492
skylar
Louise,
there is one more element of your story that is different: the OW.
She is definitely a spath, IMO. She was interested in him, but her desire was to triangulate you into wanting him. She needed to have a rival in order to keep her interest going. That’s spath.
I don’t remember all the details of how it happened, I just think that perhaps it may have also fueled your bonding.
Kim,
hopefully you can figure out a way to notice men who don’t make you feel the trauma bond. So many of our habits are like a rut, you have to work hard to get out of those patterns, but once you do, you’ve got new patterns. This time the brain wiring is going to be one that you consciously chose.
BTW, thanks for reminding me to go check my horoscope. 🙂
Ms_Snowhite
That’s a very good article!
I stopped stalking my ex’s profile after I followed the advises here at LF.
Before that I was checking his profile on Facebook at least once a day for a year. It only made me mad watching at his happy pics, looking at the new women he was flirting with, I just couldn’t stop… It was like an addiction. Maybe I had the hope that he would miss me or I thought that by watching him happy after all that he did to me I would finally hate him and forget about him, I don’t know… It only made things worst. It made me feel desperate and like I was going crazy.
Then I had followed the advises here at LF, Truthspeak’s, Darwinsmom’s and everyone else’s, and I deleted my Facebook profile. Now, I haven’t checked his profile for 2 months and although it was very difficult at the beginning I’m so glad that I did it. It made me see things clearly and understand that he never loved me. It was not easy to think clear while I kept checking his profile.
It’s not easy at all. The first month of NC I was crying everyday and I felt desperate and lost…
Then, the second month I had started to feel anger and rage against him… Every time I thought of him and the things that he did to me I got mad and I wished him the worst. That was for 2 weeks until I got very sick and I had to get to the hospital. I guess that all those negative thoughts and feelings, it had affected my health… Now I try not to feel mad at the spath, I just hope that someday Karma will strike him back and someone treats him in the same way in the future…
I still feel very sad and I cry every night but the pain is different than in the beginning… Now I grieve about the years that I lost with him and not because I miss him.
I don’t love him anymore but deep inside in my heart I still have the hope that someday he would understand what he did to me and he would apologize… I don’t know maybe it’s a naive thought since I know that he doesn’t have any feelings.
I would never take him back and if he ever tries to contact me I would not respond, it’s just that the thought that he was lying to me for 2 years and feels no remorse, it’s just unbearable…