Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
Star, that is CREEPY! I remember you mentioned it before that you kept the guitar… but you’re right… How did he know?
Thruthspeak,
I think part of our attraction is that we come across as ‘helpful’… Last week with the quality game, my colleague had 3 other colleagues than myself he could give ‘helpful’ to. They’re all helpful, and some work there longer than I do, and all have a full time and so are often more involved in projects than I am. And yet I received the ‘helpful’ quality. He told me that I ALWAYS would try my best to respond to a request of help. He said I could not always come with a result or follow up on it, but I was consistently willing to consider helping out and make some effort.
I also got the “attentive” card, from the same colleague. His feedback for it: I would regularly ask how my colleagues are doing, in passing by their class or in the teacher lounge. He joked I was the sole one who’d listen to his stories. It kinda baffled me: it’s the most normal thing to say hello to a colleague and inquire with them as they stand next to me, or if I pass their desk when there are no pupils in the class. I ended up thinking: I can’t be the sole one who does this, right? But when I thought about it, aside from my neighbour colleague of 9 years, other colleagues rarely ever stop at my classroom to inquire how I’m doing. So, maybe it’s uncommon after all.
There probably is something in your posture and body language that shows you are open to requests, Thruthy.
I’ve noticed this week that the colleague I have started to ignore, tried to say something to me (some paper he had to pass on for math teachers to sign whether they were interested in a package or not). Another colleague apparently was looking for me to ask me something, and had asked that colleague whether he had seen me. So, I enter and I hear him say, “Here’s Darwinsmom, just now”, and he also opened his mouth to say something to me, before giving me that paper. But I made no eye contact whatsoever, so he just gave it to me, and then I talked to the colleague who was looking for me.
By not making eye contact and turning slightly away from him from the start he immediately got the signal I was not approachable. If you do turn your corpus and your face to someone and make eye contact, a person signals they are approachable. In all likelihood all the other colleagues of yours will have had an unapproachable posture (no eye contact, turned slightly away, pretending to be busy with something else), whereas you were paying attention to them the moment they entered. This would make them turn to you. They would be very sensitive too about people avoiding them, because they are often very self-conscious about their handicap or injuries.
kim:
Me, too…I am also finding (thanks to this blog!) that if I am attracted to it, it must be toxic…TRUE. I never put two and two together before and now I KNOW. Wow, truly mind boggling. But at least I have learned and have that knowledge now. I need to run if I ever feel like that again and I will because I know I would be in for so much pain.
Yes, it’s that “falling in love” feeling. That’s what I was trying to convey earlier when I said I realize now that I always got a “feeling” when I met someone toxic for me. I just never connected the dots before.
Haha, too funny…my mom used to tell me the exact same thing! True!! “You should find someone who loves you more than you love them.”
Life is so messed up.
Truthy,
There could be a few explanations. As Darwinsmom said, you could be someone who radiates compassion and sympathy. I don’t think this is a bad thing. There are people who champion causes such as helping the disabled, and it begins with their compassion.
Here is something to think about – perhaps you attract many different kinds of people, but for some reason, you remember the disabled ones. This could be the same as the spaths. I wouldn’t say I was a creepy stalker magnet back when I had run-ins with the two creepy guys in my neighborhood. I think it was partly just the luck of the draw – we had sex offenders living in our building and the building next to us. And I am probably one of the more attractive older single women who parks by my building, so it probably got the attention of both. I smile at everyone and am generally kind. But it “seemed” at the time that I was attracting them. I have been told I have a disarming smile. This is something that attracts a lot of people and not just stalkers. But if I happened to meet two stalkers in a week, I might think I was attracting them. I may forget the other people I attracted that week, too – the people out walking their dogs, the kids in the neighborhood, my next door neighbors, new co-workers, etc. In any event, it’s one thing to attract them. It’s another thing to invite them in for dinner and to permanently be a part of your life. lol
One last thing to think about: I think the creepy stalkers are still around. But I spend most of my free time at the salsa club or at Zumba nowadays, so I’m going to meet a different quality of people there. Think about where you live, where you work, and where you socialize. What kinds of people are you likely to meet there? I do my grocery shopping in Walmart (unfortunately). I seem to run into a lot of very rude and entitled people there. And their kids scream. A LOT. Surprise, surprise.
skylar:
Hallelujah!!!! You noticed, you were listening. The OW…yes! That made my situation so much more tragic. She was supposed to be my friend and she betrayed me. Men are men and they will use us (if we let them), but if we are friends with a woman, we expect them to support us and when we find out the woman who was acting like soooo much a friend was instead LYING to us, it is very painful. It was so horrible between her and him, I gave up my whole career. She sat in my same office area and I could not stand to see her one more minute.
You are absolutely correct! You better believe she is a spath or at the very least an extreme narcissist. She is VERY cute and dresses very provocative. She would never think of wearing something that does not show her cleavage. She flaunts and flirts like there is no tomorrow. It is just a part of her DNA. I heard months ago she is finally getting a divorce.
Yeah, so she was triangulating and so was he! OMG…it was horrible. I was in the middle like a punching bag and I told him those exact words in a letter. Makes me so angry…who or what did they think I was that they could do that to me?? And she was typical spath by saying things to me that were 100% the opposite. She actually said to me, “I am your friend, not your rival…I wouldn’t do that to you.” HAAAA!!!! Fuckers…both of them.
You better believe it fueled the bonding. And none of my friends could understand why I was so upset…why this ruined my whole life. They just don’t get it because it didn’t happen to them and they weren’t targeted and used and abused and thrown to the wolves. UGGGGHH. Thank GOD you and others on here see it. But YOU, Skylar, really saw it. THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH. I feel so validated by you!!!!
Can you please reply so I know you have read this?
Hey ((Louise))
The only reason I recognized it is because of Girardian Theory. They look for rivalry. They look for games to compete in.
Their lives are so shallow that they can only find meaning in getting the gold star and watching YOUR face when you don’t get it. It’s mimetic envy, they only want what you want.
It is a way of thinking that is so foreign to me that I could never have imagined it. I’m a terrible winner. Even when I was a kid, I felt BAD for winning and would try to give half the prize to the loser. That’s why I don’t even like to compete. It never feels good whether i win or lose. I so much prefer cooperating.
Girard’s “A theatre of envy” is about that. I haven’t read all of it, just one chapter online. It described the OW’s attitude precisely.
Darwinsmom,
thank you for that validation. There is no longer any doubt in my mind. You and Star just reminded me of another incident.
I knew a guy who was room mate with my gay frienemy. He bought his own house and I went to take care of his cat a few times. He wanted to pay me with a bottle of wine from his cellar. So we went into the basement. And he tried to kiss me there. He had never shown such interest anywhere else. Of course I pushed him away because I could not be unfaithful to my spath!!
Well fast forward, to 2009 almost 10 years later. I looked him up and we dated. He was the first guy I dated after leaving the spath. I felt like “hey, I know this guy, he’s safe.”
Nope, he was a spath too. Not the kind that cuts your throat, just the kind that likes to break hearts. I never let him near mine, but I did see that he was attempting that with his games.
So what makes basements so scary? I wasn’t scared at all. But, in his mind, he was probably thinking how vulnerable I was in that situation. Who thinks things like that?
skylar:
Oooooh, another thing I forgot. When you mentioned in your post yesterday about spath men with soft voices, I almost fell off my bed! That’s mine!!! OMG…I so wish you could meet him! Unbelievable. He’s English too so he has this most incredibly sexy (Daniel Craig…they are from the same area in England hence the same “type” of accent) accent and it’s very soft and quiet. He even said to me one time in an Instant Message (IM)…”I speak quietly.” I almost got knocked off my socks when you said that. It’s like his voice hypnotized me.
Another thing. You also said it’s almost like they are gay, but they are not. BINGO!! Sometimes I would look at him and think he was a little light in his loafers…just the way he flits around…he’s small and very quick. Wow, just unbelievable to me!!!!!!!!!! Are you sure you don’t know him? Hahaha! I know you don’t…just kidding.
skylar:
Exactly! Her life was so pathetic she was grasping at anything to make it exciting. She is very jealous!! He even told me…”She’s jealous.” And then again when I was leaving my job and he started love bombing me again, he said, “She’s jealous of you.” GOD…no wonder I was such a target to her. She was so jealous of me she could hardly stand it. I hate her, but I have forgiven her because God commands me to do that, but I will never forget. Never.
Oh, yes! That was soooo her…getting the gold star and watching me when I didn’t get it. And not just me…anybody else in the office she was in a rival with for whatever reason. She is a sick woman. Wow, I never saw it before about the gold star thing until you said it.
I’m EXACTLY like you. I also hate to win and would rather see someone else win. I don’t like that attention. Are you a Libra by chance? My birthday is next Tuesday…I am a true Libran through and through. The Scales…the balance. Harmony.
I MUST read “The Theatre of Envy.”
THANK YOU!!!!! 🙂
Skylar and Louise,
My ex-spath has a soft voice too (not a loud one whatsoever). The sound of his voice can calm me down, being very soothing. He is outgoing, loving to schmooze with people (I’m more of an introvert, although I’m comfortable talking to people, being genuinely interested in others). Louise, I have spaths at work (that drive me nuts) and I do my best to keep them at a distance. What Skylar “teaches” us about these creatures is SO helpful (she’s right on the money). Have a good day. Peace.
Another thing also…I remembered that I think it was Darwinsmom was talking about fear, etc. I also am one who is not too afraid of much. I am pretty fearless. Not a lot scares me. I am also what you would call maybe boring, but yet adventurous. The funny thing is I am pretty fearless, yet roller coasters scare me to death…haha! Yet, I probably wouldn’t be afraid to walk the streets of New York City at night by myself. Weird…go figure. I know now that is what I loved about spath…that sense of adventure and exhilaration.
Anyway, just had to get that off my chest.