Yes, there is love after the sociopath.
I divorced my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, in 2000. A little more than a year later, I met Terry Kelly. We dated for a few years, got to know each other, and then married.
Terry and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary. I can honestly say that I am as happy and in love as I was on our wedding day.
What’s different about love with a normal, caring person, and “love” with a sociopath? Just about everything.
Real love is peaceful
I don’t have the stress, drama and doubt that I felt while married to the sociopath. Instead, with Terry, I feel calm and content.
Real love is supportive
My sociopathic ex-husband was demanding and indifferent to how his demands affected me. Now when I need help, caring, or just someone to talk to, my husband is there.
Real love is teamwork
I’m not the only one working; I’m not the only one carrying the burdens of life. My husband and I are in it together.
Real love is balanced
Yes, we face our ups and downs. And when either of us is down, the other is there to offer a boost. It’s a true give-and-take.
Real love is sexy
Sex with the sociopath was exciting in the beginning and then became rote. With Terry, along with the physical pleasure I feel a deep, soulful connection, a much more powerful experience.
Real love is companionship
My ex traveled a lot (seeing other women, I later learned). Quite frankly, I was happy to see him go. When Terry travels or even goes to work for the day I look forward to his return.
Real love is happy
When I was with the ex, I was miserable. Now, even as Terry and I deal with day-to-day problems, I feel light and joyful.
Real love is easy
I no longer struggle in my marriage. I know I can trust and depend on my husband, and he knows he can count on me. We share, we laugh, we travel the road of life together, hand-in-hand.
We offer this to you, Lovefraud readers, as a message of hope. With your own healing, anything is possible.
Love to all,
Donna and Terry
Donna and Terry,
Thank you both for the wonderful encouragement. Truthfully, it can be disheartening and discouraging to think that there is no way out or no better life than that which was experienced with a spath. Thank you and congratulations on being pathfinders for others.
Thank you Donna..
That all makes perfect sense!
Not like all of the nonsense.
Congrats Donna and Terry and Happy Valentines to you both!
In spite of an emotionally devastating marriage, I am a romantic. I love that people find someone to share love with. It means it’s possible for me too. And in the meanwhile, I do what I learned to do during my “Valley of the Shadow of Death”, I buy myself flowers. I send myself a card. I make a delish choc torte. And I invite a couple of single friends over for dinner/wine/chick flick movie. No 50Shades of Grey. We are watching “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” and looking forward to the sequel opening Mar8, “The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”.
I’ve had my quota of life’s misery so I decided to CREATE good days. Even if I haven’t yet met a sweetheart, I have met ME and she’s an pretty okay ol gal. Even the birds are happy today, tweeting and chirping and making their love calls.
Happy Valentines to Everyone. Because you LOVE, you are especially Honored TODAY!!
<3 <3 <3 🙂
Cheers
NWHSOM
Hey Not,
Sounds like a great plan! I read this quote somewhere; and, it makes me think of your singleness (and, mine, too!):
“I have been single for awhile now and I have to say, “It is going very well. It is working out. I think I’m the one!”
Not what he said of me – Fabulous! just fabulous! The best thing we can all do is treat ourselves well!
Donna,
Thank you for sharing a glimpse your beautiful relationship with Terry.
I write a lot about the experience of a sociopath while trying to help people identify and understand what they’re dealing with. But perhaps I need to say a bit more about how wonderful life can be (and is) when we move away from their dynamics, restore ourselves, and move forward. Thank you for that reminder.
Inspiring!
Best,
H.G.
Congratulations Donna. I’m so glad you got away from loser Montgomery, are so happy and have made big success of your life. Terry is also much better looking than Montgomery too, as well as being a man to admire. Your life sounds like bliss now.
Bally – thank you – yes, even when there are rough patches – and there are – I am happy and content in my life.
I am happy for you, Donna. But this entrance reminds me that I think that one mistake we can make, in general, after meeting a sociopath is to overvalue relationships that are simply “normal”. I think that all the list of things you described are in a love relationship too but they are also in a standard good friendship relationship. That list is a must for any type of personal relationship we should allow ourselves to have. And then, love is that list plus much more.
Cheers,
What a great post. I didn’t date for almost 2 years after my husband left and eventually met the man I believe I will marry. He is the love of my life and our relationship has essentially the same characteristics that Donna describes.
I think it’s important for those of us who have experienced the mind altering experience of being with a sociopath to shift gears regarding normal relationships. The quality of give and take is wonderful as is the mutual trust and support. But it’s not the same buzz as being in love bombed and the day to day could seem to some boring if you’ve become used to the drama.
Sadly I have come to the conclusion-i am a therapist who was completely hoodwinked by a guy who made up stories about a violently abusive childhood to cover his tracks-that many if not all of us who are such attractive prey to these people have pre existing wounds and boundary problems. The predators can smell a vulnerable person a mile away.
So in the aftermath of life with a psychopath, which IMO takes years of deliberate self care and healing on every level, it is quite a project to figure out what’s normal and what’s not. If you’ve come from a family where there have been any serious problems at all, I chances are good that you have to figure out what constitutes a notmal intimate relationship.
I at this point think of myself as a realist, and when my guy moves in with me in a few months we will most likely be engaged, I have no illusions about happily ever after. But I am confident that because there is so much mutual regard, respect and give and take that we will do very well after an initial adjustment.
We’ve both been on the planet a long time and valued the time we have left too much to waste ii. That doesn’t mean it won’t drive him a little crazy when I leave my knitting all over the place of the kitchen a mess if I dash out to work late.
It just means that we’ll figure it out respectfully and comprimis because neither of us needs or desires to dominate the other. I have such gratitude for this time in my life and if needed I would do fine as a single woman again. But it’s partuculary sweet to have a chance to do it again and to do it-life partnering-well.
Thanks for listening!
jlartin – thanks for your observations. They are so true. Of course there are everyday annoyances for both parties in a relationship. But with love and respect, the inconsequential matters can be overlooked or appropriately handled. The underlying peace continues.
Thank you Donna, that is very hopeful and encouraging. I know that is the kind of partner I am and was, but after 24 years with a sociopath who posed as Mr. Near-Perfect for 22 of those years, I sometimes think, “Real love isn’t possible…. I thought I had that…” So it really helped to read that healing and normal love is out there.
I’m 3 years out, and not interested in dating yet, still. Even tho I sometimes long for a date and that companionship, I know I’m still not ready, as I’m still being strangled by the legal battle to separate our assets. As a single parent with sole custody (ex was given zero contact), my mind can’t hold anything more right now.
Elizabethbrooks – take your time. Yes, sometimes other issues must be attended to. But as you do, remember that your personal healing can continue at the same time. And with that, anything is possible.
Donna – reading your words perfectly describes my life before and after as well! Since I had been with my sociopathic spouse since we were teenagers and then raised a family together for 30 years, I had no CLUE what a normal, comfortable relationship was. During the long, painful and slow dissolution of our marriage, I couldn’t imagine WHY anyone would choose to be in a relationship. I had no interest in resuming any romance in my life, but luckily did a lot of therapy and attended a support group for spouses of sex addicts that helped me do more work on myself. Healing myself eventually led me to be open enough to renew a friendship with a very old friend that blossomed into the type of relationship you described. There IS hope for everyone here!
1day@atime – good for you! Self-healing is always the answer. With that, anything is possible!
Happy 10’th Anniversary Donna! Wishing you both many more wonderful years of togetherness!
Thanks for the encouragement. At age 67, after spending 35 years in a spath relationship (with good times mixed in with the bad), I wonder if there is time for me to heal, meet a good man, and have a good relationship. The comment about targets having prior emotional “injuries” makes sense, as predators always select the hurt or injured ones as their targets. Our injuries are invisible to normal people, but glaringly obvious to the predator. I overcame a difficult childhood, to succeed in every area of life except one: marriage. I still hope to have a healthy relationship, but doubt that I would marry again; it’s just too scary.
Mindy – Please focus on your own healing. When you do that and change your own energy, miracles may happen.