Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
For my whole life I felt that I could never measure up because I was expected to “pretend it never happened” in order to meet my mother’s definition of the word “forgive.” I was expected to trust the person who had hurt me in the past, and who I knew would hurt me again in the future. I was told by religious leaders, whom I trusted, that if I did not “pretend it didn’t happen” and “truly forgive,” I was bound for an eternal residence in hellfire and brimstone.
Many of us who are Christians know the various Bible passages that say, in essence, we must “forgive those who trespass against us” if we expect God to forgive us of our own wrongdoing. Jesus, as our ultimate example, from the cross said, “Father forgive them”¦”
How can we mortal human beings possibly expect to be able to truly forgive those people who have so deliberately ripped our lives apart?
After the “Summer of Chaos,” as I have come to call my last run in with the psychopaths, I was so devastated, so angry, so bitter, so filled with wrath that I could only focus on the many details of the many crimes and arrows that had been slung at me so very unfairly by so many members of my family. I was filled from top to bottom with bitterness and anger.
I am fortunate that I have several well-educated ministers in my acquaintance that I could call upon for advice, as well as reading the Bible for myself. After talking to these men at great length, I finally came to the question, does “forgiveness” really mean “pretending it didn’t happen, and restoring trust to these people?”
Does “love your enemies” really mean that I have to have a “gushy” feeling for these people who have harmed me so easily and with so much glee?
After much reading of the scriptures and talking with the various ministers (of several denominations) I came to a new definition of the word “forgiveness” that I think is more rational and makes more sense than my mother’s definition of “let’s just pretend none of this ever happened.” (She actually said this aloud.)
The new definitions of love and forgiveness are these.
Forgiveness does not mean “pretend it never happened.” Forgiveness means to get the bitterness and wrath out of your heart toward those that have wronged you. For example, when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, I am sure that he was very justifiably angry with these brothers for doing this to him. They demoted him from the status of “favored son” to the status of an animal that was bought and sold.
The Bible tells us, though, that Joseph got the bitterness out of his heart toward his brothers during the many years he was in Egypt. But when his brothers miraculously appeared before him, not, of course, recognizing that their brother was now second only to the Pharaoh, Joseph did not immediately identify himself to his brothers, “Hey, guys, it’s me, the brother you sold off as a slave!”
But Joseph did test his brothers to see what kind of men they had become in those same years. Were they the same uncaring, jealous men that they had been when they had cast him into the pit, and grieved their aged father with a tale about him being torn apart by some wild animal, taking his blood-stained cloak back to his father as proof of his death, not caring that they were bringing grief upon their father’s head with the tale of his death? Or had they learned anything? Had they changed?
Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but he still didn’t trust them until after they had passed his tests to see what kind of men they were.
Putting all this together then gave me a new definition of “forgiveness,” and it was simply the removing of the smoldering anger, the thirst for revenge, the gnawing hate for them. I was not required by God or good sense to trust these same people, or to “pretend they had not done what they did.” Forgiveness was an act, not a feeling.
Looking at “love your enemies” in the same way, I saw that “love” meant to do good to those that persecute you rather than take advantage to hurt them if you can. The story of the future King David fleeing from the jealous and murderous King Saul illustrates that David “loved” King Saul even though Saul was seeking to find and kill David. Twice David had a chance to kill Saul when Saul didn’t even know he was there, and both times, David did not kill Saul, but let him move on his way. Loving our enemies simply means that we must not try to seek revenge against them, even if we can, we must do what is right, even if we have a chance to do what is wrong, no matter how they have wronged us.
I came away from that summer of spiritual questioning with a new awareness of the concepts of the Bible’s teachings, which even if a person is not a believer in the Bible’s divine inspiration, still are psychologically sound.
Harboring, nurturing, and feeding anger, wrath, thoughts of revenge, may chemically light up the pleasure centers of our evolutionary brain, but in the long term, these strong and negative emotions prevent our healing. Short-term, anger is a very natural and normal part of the process we go through when we are injured. Long-term, like any other intense reactive emotion, anger/bitterness becomes a stressor in and of itself, keeping us from thinking rationally and reasonably, and focused only on the injury.
Sure, we were injured and we will never forget that injury (injuries) or the person who did them to us, but we will learn from that experience with the psychopath, learn how to prevent another “P-experience” and live a better life because of our knowledge. But trust them, ever again? Not on your life! Getting the bitterness out of our hearts, focusing on ourselves and our own healing, instead of on the hateful bitter vengeful feelings toward them, turns us in a positive direction, so that we can come to peace with the past,
What do I get out of “forgiving” those that have hurt me so much when they get off “scot-free?”
Well, first of all, I don’t get upset every time I think about them, or look at something that reminds me of them.
Secondly, I am not mad all the time. I can focus on other things besides the hurts that have been inflicted on me. In order to keep my anger up, I would have to focus a great deal of energy on thinking about the past injuries, pulling the scabs off the wounds so that they would continue to bleed. So I save a lot of energy in fueling this old anger that I can now focus on other more positive things.
Thirdly, my spirituality and my spiritual health are not impeded by this mass of anger and negative feelings. My stress level can now drop because these old injuries start to heal and the pain is lessened because of the healing. I am now more in tune with myself and my own needs, since I am no longer focusing all my energy on the injuries.
Fourthly, now that I am no longer angry all the time, I am not so prone to see insult and injury where none is intended. I have more patience with those I love and that love me. I have more patience with myself, and don’t turn this negative energy toward myself at times. I can set reasonable boundaries instead of letting things seethe and then blowing up about some minor problem that in the light of a non-angry mind isn’t worth worrying about. It lets me put things in a reasonable perspective.
Forgiving our enemies isn’t about them, it is all about US. Forgiving them allows us to heal from the wounds they inflicted. Hating and not forgiving them just allows them to go on re-injuring us forever.
dodged a bullet—- It’s nice to have another “family” man here at love fraud. I have been reading your post and I so relate to you. Aren’t you glad you found this website?
Dear Dodged,
The term “forgiveness” can have multiple meanings to different people, but basicly it is no longer being “bitter” and “vengeful”–coming to peace with them, but NOT condoning what they did, just accepting it without bitterness and hatred.
Viktor Frankl’s book about “Man’s Search for Meaning” talks about how some people who have been abused, go out and abuse others to “get back at life” for what they have suffered, and others, when they have been abused go out better people, more conscious of other’s rights and feelings.
The man who put your life at risk, knowingly, is obviously angry at the world, wanting to “pass on” his own disease, not caring about what he has done or might do to others. I’m so glad that you did “dodge the bullet” and that you are progressing in your healing. God bless.
oxy, wonderful post! I was shouting “preach it” as I read along LOL.
I am having trouble in this area though and could use some feedback.
First, the S told me that, “the hardest part would be forgiving myself”. He told me he isn’t capable of forgiveness and love and has never forgiven anyone. When he told me that I would struggle to forgive myself I didn’t fully understand what he was saying and just nodded. Just like when he told me that he hopes I find the peace I was looking for. I had no idea what he was talking about. Sadly, he knew all too well what he meant.
This has really kept me stuck. I have not felt that I needed to forgive myself. I feel I was conned by a form of abuse that was very much like brainwashing and very foreign to me. He was very covert about it until the end. He had lost his wife the year before and came off as the grieving widower. He claimed he had been mistreated his whole life, even by his late wife. I did what I know how to do. Support and love. Had he not used tactics to confuse me so much and had we not lived long distance I would hope I would have seen more to figure things out.
My cousin said to me the other week that the one thing she wishes I would do is forgive myself. I don’t really understand why she said this. I have never felt a need to do so. I know this may sound crazy but I don’t know if I’m resistant to the idea because the S told me I’d have a hard time with it so I’m resistant to the whole idea or what. I’m sort of lost with this. Some days I think I’m just refusing to acknowledge it because of him. Some days I don’t think I need to forgive myself for what I didn’t see.
Nevermind, I think I just figured it out. I’m going off to have a good cry now. That guilt and blame still creeps up now and again. Those ugly lies told to me by my father and the S. Gotta put that baggage down again. I think I might have picked it back up somewhere along the way.
Honestly though, how awesome is it that the first step in my recovery came from God telling me to put that baggage down last year? Lay down that guilt, shame and blame at his feet because it wasn’t mine to carry. I had no idea. It’s no wonder the S freaked out in response to that information. He knew I was getting it and getting well.
I guess I didn’t realize I was susceptible to picking it all back up periodically. I wonder how many times I’m going to have to go through this until I’m rid of it.
Dear Takingmeback,
You and I may be coming from different backgrounds so our difficulties may not be the same, or they may only partly be the same.
First off I HAVE to forgive myself for NOT PRACTICING WHAT I PREACH—and that is to break off the relationship with my son. Hell, I KNEW BETTER, and I still did not do what was right! That I have to forgive myself for. I never did blame myself for him being like he is, so I don’t have to forgive myself for being a “bad parent” and making him a “bad child.”
So we only have to “forgive” ourselves I think for KNOWINGLY doing what we know was wrong. If that makes any sense.
TO ME (and this is just my own humble opinion) if I do something unknowingly or by accident, and it hurts someone else I am responsible for it, but not “to blame.” I can be sad it happened, try to make up for it, but don’t really have to “forgive” myself because I did not do it “on purpose” to hurt someone, or do something that I “knew” was bad.
But let’s say I am driving drunk, which I KNOW IS A BAD THING, and do it anyway, and I hurt someone, then I AM TO BLAME, as well as “responsible.” In this case, I would have to forgive myself.
The thing that made me feel “to blame” for some of my own suffering was that I KNEW, and I SAW the red flags with my son, and even with my X-BF and I didn’t take the appropriate action–I seduced myself because I ignored things that I should have done. In not setting boundaries, I gave in to my “feelings of guilt” and my ‘people pleasing” stuff when I should have stood up. Since I tend to be a perfectionist for MYSELF (BUT NOT FOR OTHERS) I am responsible for ALLOWING my self to be CONTINUALLY abused.
But, like a drunk who has gone to AA and started to work the program, I am giving up my “addictions”—to please everyone else, to “fix” everyone else’s problems, to allow myself to be abused for others enjoyment and profit, and I AM TAKING CARE OF MY OWN NEEDS. Parts of those needs are to forgive myself for doing things I KNEW I shouldn’t have done—but as for the ones that I didn’t know about, that I didn’t realize I was being gaslighted—for example my mother. I don’t have to forgive myself for how I treated her. The ONLY thing I did in that regard was that I lost it with her once and I called her a “senile old bat”—and slammed out of her house. I immediately felt bad for doing that, and returned and apologized sincerely. She said my apology wasn’t “sincere” and to this day has not accepted it, but that’s neither here nor there whether she accepts it or not, I was wrong to do that, and I DID sincerely apologize. And, I have FORGIVEN myself for losing my temper.
With my Bio-father’s and my relationship, I don’t have anything to forgive myself for because I was YOUNG and had no idea that there even were such evil creatures on this earth. Noting to forgive myself for on that one.
With the X-BF-P, yea, I should have sent him down the pike four months after I started dating him, when my suspicious nature intuited (is that a word?) that he was a player. And I didn’t do what I knew I should have, but I forgave myself for that, because I didn’t put up with it too long (4 more months) but I also was very vulnerable to being played since my husband had died.
My main problem has been getting the bitterness out of my own heart for what they have knowingly done to me. I wrestled with it partly because of my mother’s pounding into my head HER DEFINITION of “forgiveness” being the enabler’s “let’s pretend none of this happened.” Which is the ULTIMATE DISCOUNT of your feelings! The total invalidation of everything you are. You aren’t even important enough that your feelings even count for anything.
I am still struggling with that ultimate discount, truly realizing that my feelings DON’T matter to my mother. Just as I struggled with those same feelings with my Bio-father so many years ago. I struggle knowing that I have tried to “please her” vainly for my entire life. What kind of a “mother” would prefer a murdering Psychopath of a grandson over her daughter that loved her? Well, MY mother. I know WHY she did it, why she does it, and it still hurts that she is the way she is. But I work daily to keep that from making me bitter and hateful. I have validated myself, and realized that she will NEVER VALIDATE MY WORTH as a human being or a daughter. I no longer seek HER validation. And the fact that I no longer seek her validation of my worth is a big weight and burden lifted off my back–one that I have stumbled under the heavy weight of for my entire life I think. I’m making progress in my resolutions where she is concerned, coming to terms with it, but not to the extent that I have with the others yet, because I am only in the last year or so realizing that I was BLIND to her toxic enabling–somewhat knowingly blind (in denial) or as Aloha said in a thread that I just loved “informed denial.” I think that phrase describes it to a “Tee.” Informed denial. Perfect! LOL
If you don’t feel a need to “forgive yourself” then maybe it is because you don’t have a need to forgive yourself. I beat myself up pretty badly over things I really shouldn’t have, and felt “guilt” for things that were not my responsibility. Those are also the things I had to forgive myself for. And, to forgive myself for “not being perfect.”
Or, maybe you’re just coming across to your cousin like you are “beating yourself up.” Or maybe she/he sees something you don’t, but if you are not bitter at yourself or at the Ps then I would say you don’t need to forgive yourself, only YOU know what you need to do about it.
It’s kind of like “is the cup half full or half empty?” My husband’s response was “you have the wrong sized cup” (he was an engineer! They’re warped! Try to fix things that aren’t broken! LOL)
I kind of feel right now that I have pretty well worked my way through my feelings, and my bitterness about the P-bio father, my P-son, the Trojan Horse P, the X-DIL-P (the last two were easy as I didn’t like them anyway) and the X-BF-P, and so now I am just dealing with the “last shoe to fall” my mother. With NC it is getting better slowly, and I can at least think about some of the things she did without crying or cursing or screaming in rage. I don’t hate her any more, and in some ways I actually pity her, because the consequences of her betrayal have left her alone, lonely and bitter at the sunset of her life. Pretty pitiful, really. Doesn’t mean I have any desire to “rescue” her from her situation, or think that she will change and “see the light” or suddenly start valuing me, and while I wish it wasn’t the case, I am becoming more accepting of that truth, so I think I am getting there slowly.
I have accepted the blame and responsibility for the life long problem I have had with setting boundaries for those people close to me, and started setting boundaries without guilt, and have forgiven myself for not setting them sooner.
None of us will ever reach perfection, but if we take the opportunity to seek out the positive in this “life lesson” I think in the end we will be much happier and certainly better and healthier people emotionally and spiritually. We can do like Viktor Frankl and “find meaning” in our lives from this, or we can let it make us perpetual “victims” and bitter in our souls.
Dear Takingmeback,
We posted “over” each other—yes, I too fall backwards from time to time and pick up “baggage” I had put down previously. I think that is a “universal” thing with humans, but when we recognize that we have done it, and put it back down, it gets picked up less and less often.
A good cry helps, too.! ((((hugs)))))
Dear Oxy
As always, thank you for the advice and the support. I’m starting to think of you as my online momma…lol.
Yes it is very difficult to limit what I hear in the family. So far limiting my contact with everyone has helped but that is a short-term measure I think. I love my family and I like spending time with them occasionally. Mostly we don’t talk about both the brothers but sometimes the topic does come up. I realise that I will have to put certain boundaries in place though.
I suppose that, as with most things in life, is another learning curve.
dodged a bullet – I am stepping out on limb here and do not want to offend you. But if your posting an ad with the intentions of meeting someone and your using a shirtless faceless picture. Then your advertizing for more than a relationship with honesty and respect. And so many men on these website’s will lie about their hiv status for instant gratification, Because they assume the will never see you again. And one thing I want to point out about HIV, it is the people that do not know they have it that spread it. So each time you have sex even protected sex you have put yourself at risk. I always assume everyone has it and take necessary precautins to protect myself. People lie when they know they have it. And people have it when they dont know they do..
I, too, have struggled with forgiveness. One friend kept telling me that I would NEVER move past the things that my ex S did until I forgave him and that I MUST do this! The friend stated this in such an intentional manner and expressed almost an urgency for me to do this. I finally started seeing a Christian counselor seeking help in working through my devastastion. I asked him about my concern in forgiving my ex for all that he had done. He told me that the Lord does instruct us to forgive but that he didn’t say “when” we had to forgive. He told me that first we had to “heal” and then forgiveness would eventaully come. He also said that the greater the transgression, the longer the healing. And, that being victimized by a sociopath was one of the greatest transgressions one could experience. His words provided me with a sense of feeling that I was not a bad person in that I couldn’t bring myself to forgive my ex at the time. My counselor also told me that the term “forgive and forget” is backwards. He said sometimes that we have to give ourselves enough time to start to forget before we can forgive. Basically, he was saying that time heals and he was very correct. It’s been a year and a half now. I’m no longer consumed with bitterness, anger and hatred. I basically have no “feeling” whatsoever as far the man is concerned. How can his “feelings” matter to me when he has none? I count my blessings that I’m no longer with him and under his spell and am thankful for the wisdom and knowledge I’ve gained from the experience. I compare my experience with a nightmare. Have any of you ever awaken from a terrible nightmare in the middle of the night and felt terrified only to awake the next morning and find that the fear was gone? The nightmare that was inflicted upon us by the sociopath doesn’t pass quite that quickly but the pain does ease as time goes along. We must focus on ourselves and NOT on them. As long as we keep our focus on ourselves, they will NEVER hurt us again.
Here is another take.
Don’t worry about forgiveness, or the dogma that says we must. Just don’t take it PERSONALLY.
How can one NOT take personally a grievous injury done to oneself? By realizing that it was never about YOU. It was always about THEM. A huge oversimplification of a beautiful point from the book ” The Four Agreements” which I highly recommend.
If we don’t take it personally then the anger subsides naturally, the obsessive thinking and the bitterness. It was never about you, it was about them. The victims are interchangeable.
The Four Agreements are
Be impeccable with your word (even your word to yourself)
Don’t take it personally ( it is never about you)
Don’t make assumptions ( a real biggy)
Always do your best.
Another good take on forgiveness is explored in the book ” Toxic Parents” – which delves into the difficulty of “forgiving” those we trusted and depended on and loved as children, our parents. It basically concludes that we must learn to “accept” whatever injury was done to us as a fact of our lives, but the requirment to “forgive” gets us stuck in a place where we turn our anger inwards at our inability to truly do so (forgive) and leaves us in a place of denial.
I am not a religous person, so on thin ice in this part but should we not also remember that the phrase from scripture is “forgive them, for they know not what they do”
In the case of the P’s they know all to well what they do. Where does that leave our “obligation” to forgive?