Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
For my whole life I felt that I could never measure up because I was expected to “pretend it never happened” in order to meet my mother’s definition of the word “forgive.” I was expected to trust the person who had hurt me in the past, and who I knew would hurt me again in the future. I was told by religious leaders, whom I trusted, that if I did not “pretend it didn’t happen” and “truly forgive,” I was bound for an eternal residence in hellfire and brimstone.
Many of us who are Christians know the various Bible passages that say, in essence, we must “forgive those who trespass against us” if we expect God to forgive us of our own wrongdoing. Jesus, as our ultimate example, from the cross said, “Father forgive them”¦”
How can we mortal human beings possibly expect to be able to truly forgive those people who have so deliberately ripped our lives apart?
After the “Summer of Chaos,” as I have come to call my last run in with the psychopaths, I was so devastated, so angry, so bitter, so filled with wrath that I could only focus on the many details of the many crimes and arrows that had been slung at me so very unfairly by so many members of my family. I was filled from top to bottom with bitterness and anger.
I am fortunate that I have several well-educated ministers in my acquaintance that I could call upon for advice, as well as reading the Bible for myself. After talking to these men at great length, I finally came to the question, does “forgiveness” really mean “pretending it didn’t happen, and restoring trust to these people?”
Does “love your enemies” really mean that I have to have a “gushy” feeling for these people who have harmed me so easily and with so much glee?
After much reading of the scriptures and talking with the various ministers (of several denominations) I came to a new definition of the word “forgiveness” that I think is more rational and makes more sense than my mother’s definition of “let’s just pretend none of this ever happened.” (She actually said this aloud.)
The new definitions of love and forgiveness are these.
Forgiveness does not mean “pretend it never happened.” Forgiveness means to get the bitterness and wrath out of your heart toward those that have wronged you. For example, when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, I am sure that he was very justifiably angry with these brothers for doing this to him. They demoted him from the status of “favored son” to the status of an animal that was bought and sold.
The Bible tells us, though, that Joseph got the bitterness out of his heart toward his brothers during the many years he was in Egypt. But when his brothers miraculously appeared before him, not, of course, recognizing that their brother was now second only to the Pharaoh, Joseph did not immediately identify himself to his brothers, “Hey, guys, it’s me, the brother you sold off as a slave!”
But Joseph did test his brothers to see what kind of men they had become in those same years. Were they the same uncaring, jealous men that they had been when they had cast him into the pit, and grieved their aged father with a tale about him being torn apart by some wild animal, taking his blood-stained cloak back to his father as proof of his death, not caring that they were bringing grief upon their father’s head with the tale of his death? Or had they learned anything? Had they changed?
Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but he still didn’t trust them until after they had passed his tests to see what kind of men they were.
Putting all this together then gave me a new definition of “forgiveness,” and it was simply the removing of the smoldering anger, the thirst for revenge, the gnawing hate for them. I was not required by God or good sense to trust these same people, or to “pretend they had not done what they did.” Forgiveness was an act, not a feeling.
Looking at “love your enemies” in the same way, I saw that “love” meant to do good to those that persecute you rather than take advantage to hurt them if you can. The story of the future King David fleeing from the jealous and murderous King Saul illustrates that David “loved” King Saul even though Saul was seeking to find and kill David. Twice David had a chance to kill Saul when Saul didn’t even know he was there, and both times, David did not kill Saul, but let him move on his way. Loving our enemies simply means that we must not try to seek revenge against them, even if we can, we must do what is right, even if we have a chance to do what is wrong, no matter how they have wronged us.
I came away from that summer of spiritual questioning with a new awareness of the concepts of the Bible’s teachings, which even if a person is not a believer in the Bible’s divine inspiration, still are psychologically sound.
Harboring, nurturing, and feeding anger, wrath, thoughts of revenge, may chemically light up the pleasure centers of our evolutionary brain, but in the long term, these strong and negative emotions prevent our healing. Short-term, anger is a very natural and normal part of the process we go through when we are injured. Long-term, like any other intense reactive emotion, anger/bitterness becomes a stressor in and of itself, keeping us from thinking rationally and reasonably, and focused only on the injury.
Sure, we were injured and we will never forget that injury (injuries) or the person who did them to us, but we will learn from that experience with the psychopath, learn how to prevent another “P-experience” and live a better life because of our knowledge. But trust them, ever again? Not on your life! Getting the bitterness out of our hearts, focusing on ourselves and our own healing, instead of on the hateful bitter vengeful feelings toward them, turns us in a positive direction, so that we can come to peace with the past,
What do I get out of “forgiving” those that have hurt me so much when they get off “scot-free?”
Well, first of all, I don’t get upset every time I think about them, or look at something that reminds me of them.
Secondly, I am not mad all the time. I can focus on other things besides the hurts that have been inflicted on me. In order to keep my anger up, I would have to focus a great deal of energy on thinking about the past injuries, pulling the scabs off the wounds so that they would continue to bleed. So I save a lot of energy in fueling this old anger that I can now focus on other more positive things.
Thirdly, my spirituality and my spiritual health are not impeded by this mass of anger and negative feelings. My stress level can now drop because these old injuries start to heal and the pain is lessened because of the healing. I am now more in tune with myself and my own needs, since I am no longer focusing all my energy on the injuries.
Fourthly, now that I am no longer angry all the time, I am not so prone to see insult and injury where none is intended. I have more patience with those I love and that love me. I have more patience with myself, and don’t turn this negative energy toward myself at times. I can set reasonable boundaries instead of letting things seethe and then blowing up about some minor problem that in the light of a non-angry mind isn’t worth worrying about. It lets me put things in a reasonable perspective.
Forgiving our enemies isn’t about them, it is all about US. Forgiving them allows us to heal from the wounds they inflicted. Hating and not forgiving them just allows them to go on re-injuring us forever.
Henry, dont worry I’m not offended, but let me say something. Yes, I know people lie about it….but this experience with this guy was not of a ‘hook up’.
He worked VERY hard to gain my trust. And once I never would have thought in a million years he could allow me to make that kind of mistake- he did.
I’m not an idiot. I’m not careless.
I was just decieved by a sociopath.
Dear Eyeswideshut,
Good points all, and I agree totally. Though I used Biblical references, my point is that holding on to the bitterness about what was done to us, DAMAGES US, not them.
Your reference to Christ’s asking forgiveness for those crucifying him who DID NOT know what they did (my guess is He was referring to the Roman soldiers and the crowds, as the Pharisees, I think, were Ps who DID know what they were doing) is not the difficult part for me. My difficulty with forgiveness (getting the bitterness out of my heart and mind) was with those WHO KNEW DARN WELL WHAT THEY WERE DOING. My forgiveness was not about “helping THEM” but for HELPING MYSELF. To get the focus off of them and on to myself. I didn’t see any benefit to me (long term) in being bitter about them. In fact, a lot of negative things about my own bitterness were easily apparent.
Forgiveness, as TAMI points out is NOT INSTANT. We must do some healing first, and get over the first rush of anger (normal emotional response to injury) that we feel, and the intensity of it, which, because of the magnitude of our injuries may be very big!
Adrenaline, the “fight or flight” hormone in our bodies, short term, can be a life saver. So can anger be a life saver. However, long term, either of these potentially life saving things can be TOXIC.
When my injury was fresh and when I first started reading boards like this one, people (like Oxy and aloha) who were “veterans” would reassure us newbies with claims that “someday something will click and you just won’t care about him anymore.”
That’s where I am now. I know I haven’t yet reached a place of forgiveness, because I can immediately call up anger and disgust by thinking about what he was doing at times when I thought we had a nice, normal family.
But I no longer have that boiling anger that came along with the piercing hurt at first. I have to see him from time to time (in court) and I have no reaction whatsoever to him. It’s like he doesn’t even exist.
I guess my system has just blanked him out, as some sort of self-protective measure. Veterans, is this a recognizable stage? Did you go through a period where you didn’t care one way or another what he did or what happened to him (or her as the case may be)?
Dear Tood,
I was once told that the “opposite of love is NOT hate, it is INDIFFERENCE.” I think that is generally true. The person we HATE has a “rented room” in our minds and our hearts, and we give them a lot of attention as long as that anger and bitterness is there, but if we heal properly, we come to the “indifference” stage.
My experience (and others who have blogged here have validated it) is that I will “Feel as if” I am indifferent, and then something will TRIGGER another anger outburst, which tells me that I have more “work” to do on processing that anger for old injuries. (There is even a thread in the last couple of months about that you might want to look up if you haven’t read it.)
Forgiviing does NOT mean “forgetting” to me and that old thing about “you just need to forgive and forget” I think is a toxic twist on REAL forgiveness which ACKNOWLEDGES that you will NEVER FORGET, but you WILL get rid of the bitterness about it.
I will NEVER FORGET my husband’s death, but I can come (and believe I have) to a point where I can ACCEPT it without anger, bitterness or overwhelming sadness. I can even picture in my mind the crash scene without overwhelming horror. Therapy helped with this as well and my PTSD symptoms are diminished if not gone.
The boiling anger (the wrath) that we felt at first is a very normal response to a horrible, and deliberate, betrayal. We wouldn’t be “normal” if we didn’t feel this way. Even Jesus was ANGRY! The problem comes if we HANG ON TO and FEED this anger, this bitterness. Some people do hang on to that bitterness for the rest of their lives. I personally think that kind of bitterness ruins your life and sure doesn’t hurt the psychopath.
Every religion and every philosophy that I have read about advises to “forgive” (i.e. get this bitterness out of your heart) but none that I have ever read advise us to “forgive and forget”–forgetting is impossible. Forgiving is possible.
Forgiving an “unknowing” insult or injury is EASY compared to forgiving the DELIBERTE inury or insult. My son C crushed my heart when he “sided” with his psychopathic wife and my mother and his psychopathic brother, but he did it in IGNORANCE, NOT MALICE. I had ZERO, NONE, ZIP, NADA trouble in forgiving him immediately and completely and restoring my trust to him. But with his P-brother who devised the death of the members of my family (maybe eventually all of us) so he could “inherit” our estates, “forgiving” him (getting the bitterness out of my heart) was another matter entirely! I nursed that bitterness, anger, wrath, and desire for revenge for quite some time. It would have eaten me alive if I had let it. I think and pray I have forgiven him (gotten the bitterness out) but I will NEVER FORGET, NEVER TRUST him again. Never give him an opportunity to hurt me again. But by forgiving, my life, my thoughts, my heart is not focused on him 24/7 any more. I can focus on much more positive things, on enjoying life, on those that DO LOVE me. Without being able to get that bitterness out of my heart, I was still “renting him space” in my life. He doesn’t deserve space in my mind, heart, spirit or life.
I no longer wonder how he is doing, if he is injured, sick, in solitary confinement, being beaten by other inmates, or guards, I don’t picture his face in my mind and feel pity or concern for him. I don’t even want to know what he is doing or thinking. He is just a “stranger” to me. I do know he would hurt me if he could, but I no longer live in terror of him. I’ll just handle the situations if it happens.
I think there have been times for most if not all of us when we felt the pain would never end! I felt that way when I was in labor with my sons, but it did end, and when the pain ended, joy could return. If we nurture the pain of our betrayals it will stay, but if we push through the pain and hate, push them out of our heads, joy will return, and the memory of the pain will subside until we can no longer even conjure it up again. To me, “that’s the trick.”
I’m so glad you are doing better! Thanks for keeping us updated on how you are doing! (((hugs))))
Dodged-a-bullet- I think I did offend you, sorry. I don’t know all the specific’s about your story. But I have a question “would you of considered dating him if he had been up front and honest about is status from the beginning?”
Oxy–
I try to remember the words of the late Kathy K. from her site. She was adamant that forgiveness cannot be given until it is sought…and that we (the victims) are sometimes too eager to forgive.
I hesitate to post too much that will identify me, at least until the ex’s case is settled, but I have much in common with you. I believe I am the child of a psychopath and a narcissist, and the mother of one as well. (Obviously that’s why a relationship with an S/P felt so “normal.”) My child has done me many a grievous wrong, but so far has never once admitted fault or sought forgiveness. I still find myself too willing to reach out to this child. Too willing to continue loving and trying to help, too hesitant to force him to be responsible for his own actions.
I fight this tendency to forgive too easily. Another reason I am grateful for my current “non-feeling, non-caring” state toward the perpetrator.
I worry sometimes that I’ll never have normal emotions again, that I’ll never be able to love again. Those of you who have gone on to healthier relationships give me hope.
Dear Tood,
My personal definition of “forgiveness” does NOT INCLUDE REESTABLISHING TRUST OR A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT PERSON. My definition of “forgiveness” is simply getting the bitterness out of my heart, FOR ME.
My P-son’s most recent attack was to try to have me killed (though he is in prison, he sent a “Trojan HOrse Psychopathic friend” to do his dirty work for hjm.)
I have not reached out to my P-son just because I have gotten the bitterness out of my heart, gotten to where I no longer care about him or his welfare. I am totally NO contact, and his brothers and I have decided that in the event that the state of Texas calls us because he is dead, we will not even claim the body. We WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. My other sons won’t even speak his name they call him “My X-brother”
I too hung on to the MALIGNANT HOPE that some way my P-son would “see the light”—by the time he was 17, I should have walked away forever. I didn’t. IN retrospect, I can see my life would have been better if I had, but I can’t change that now. But now I CAN WALK AWAY. NOT look back, and not feel the least remorse or guilt for doing so now. He is what he is, I can’t change that.
My mother, though most likely not an N or a P, is nevertheless so TOXIC with her enabling behavior that I have also had to go NO contact with her as well. I am still struggling with “forgiving” her, because some of my wounds are still raw, but the no contact is helping. All my “other Ps” I have forgiven (gotten the bitterness out of my heart). I think that as long as I “hate” them or remain livid or wrathful, the energy I use to maintain that feeling would harm me, and I would be better served by getting that bitterness of soul out of myself.
As far as “forgiving” someone who ASKS for my forgiveness, I agree on that as well, I WILL forgive them, BUT—that does’t mean I ever have to trust them again unless they PROVE THAT THEY ARE TRUSTWORTHY. (see the story of Joseph in the Bible) Forgiveness, to me, does NOT automatically restore ANY trust. They are TWO SEPARATE issues.
I am sorry that you have been surrounded your entire life by the Ps. I personally know what that means, but you WILL have “normal” emotions again, it just takes some time.
I had been raised to “pretend all is well” even when it wasn’t and it was difficult for me to SET BOUNDARIES for people close to me with out a huge amount of GUILT. Now, I am learning to set boundaries and ENFORCE them….and not feel bad about it. At first though, I was very unsure if my boundaries were “reasonable” and that I wasn’t “being too harsh” or “over reacting” —I would check with my sons to validate that my boundaries were “reasonable.” Now, I don’t need to do that, I can VALIDATE my own boundaries and feel secure in doing that. Just like a kid on a bike with training wheels, I have finally gotten secure enough to take the wheels off. LOL
ONe of the boundaries I have set for myself lately is that when a person LIES to me—I can “forgive” that lie, but I will NOT TRUST THEM AGAIN, unless there is sincere apology on their part, acknowledgement of their lie, etc. etc.
It will be difficult for me to reestablish full trust to another liar, but I don’t see that as a “down side” really, as I have never been “right” in allowing a person who lied to me once a “second chance.”
Indifference (non-feeling, non-caring) is the true opposite, I think of love. When you hate someone you are still emotionally involved with them, they use your energy, but when you are indifferent, they truly don’t matter. You are FREE of them.
For years I actively hated my P-bio-father for what he did to me, and to others. It was only when I finally stopped the hating that I could heal and come to pretty much the indifference stage. Now that he is dead, my feelings fo rhim are just “nothing.” Not hate. Not love. Just that he isn’t a factor in my life any more, and what happened 40+ yrs ago is no longer a factor in my life now either. He just IS NOT. He does’t exist. If that makes any sense.
it is what it is they do what they do I think I will forgive him and eventually myself. I entered this dance with (M) knowing he was “off” and yes he did abuse me blatantly. But we planted Lillie’s, strawberry’s, went driving down country road’s and would stop and dig up iris’s or pick a bouquet of Lillac’s. He loved my little dog’s and they loved him. We went camping and fishing and had soo many good moment’s, yes he is a sociopath. How can you not forgive someone you held so dearly? I feared my love for him. I knew it would hurt so bad when he did leave. I think one reason sociopath’s want to remain friend’s after they have found a new vixtim is because they “didn’t” love us. But we were and are a part of their life. Can I be his friend? NO… can I cherish the good memory’s? yes….can I let go of him and move on? yes eventually…..Is he evil? Yes……Do I miss “him?” no…….do I miss what he pretended to be? yes so very bad….it is what it is…..
Henry- Yes.
dodged a bullet – peace….