Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
For my whole life I felt that I could never measure up because I was expected to “pretend it never happened” in order to meet my mother’s definition of the word “forgive.” I was expected to trust the person who had hurt me in the past, and who I knew would hurt me again in the future. I was told by religious leaders, whom I trusted, that if I did not “pretend it didn’t happen” and “truly forgive,” I was bound for an eternal residence in hellfire and brimstone.
Many of us who are Christians know the various Bible passages that say, in essence, we must “forgive those who trespass against us” if we expect God to forgive us of our own wrongdoing. Jesus, as our ultimate example, from the cross said, “Father forgive them”¦”
How can we mortal human beings possibly expect to be able to truly forgive those people who have so deliberately ripped our lives apart?
After the “Summer of Chaos,” as I have come to call my last run in with the psychopaths, I was so devastated, so angry, so bitter, so filled with wrath that I could only focus on the many details of the many crimes and arrows that had been slung at me so very unfairly by so many members of my family. I was filled from top to bottom with bitterness and anger.
I am fortunate that I have several well-educated ministers in my acquaintance that I could call upon for advice, as well as reading the Bible for myself. After talking to these men at great length, I finally came to the question, does “forgiveness” really mean “pretending it didn’t happen, and restoring trust to these people?”
Does “love your enemies” really mean that I have to have a “gushy” feeling for these people who have harmed me so easily and with so much glee?
After much reading of the scriptures and talking with the various ministers (of several denominations) I came to a new definition of the word “forgiveness” that I think is more rational and makes more sense than my mother’s definition of “let’s just pretend none of this ever happened.” (She actually said this aloud.)
The new definitions of love and forgiveness are these.
Forgiveness does not mean “pretend it never happened.” Forgiveness means to get the bitterness and wrath out of your heart toward those that have wronged you. For example, when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, I am sure that he was very justifiably angry with these brothers for doing this to him. They demoted him from the status of “favored son” to the status of an animal that was bought and sold.
The Bible tells us, though, that Joseph got the bitterness out of his heart toward his brothers during the many years he was in Egypt. But when his brothers miraculously appeared before him, not, of course, recognizing that their brother was now second only to the Pharaoh, Joseph did not immediately identify himself to his brothers, “Hey, guys, it’s me, the brother you sold off as a slave!”
But Joseph did test his brothers to see what kind of men they had become in those same years. Were they the same uncaring, jealous men that they had been when they had cast him into the pit, and grieved their aged father with a tale about him being torn apart by some wild animal, taking his blood-stained cloak back to his father as proof of his death, not caring that they were bringing grief upon their father’s head with the tale of his death? Or had they learned anything? Had they changed?
Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but he still didn’t trust them until after they had passed his tests to see what kind of men they were.
Putting all this together then gave me a new definition of “forgiveness,” and it was simply the removing of the smoldering anger, the thirst for revenge, the gnawing hate for them. I was not required by God or good sense to trust these same people, or to “pretend they had not done what they did.” Forgiveness was an act, not a feeling.
Looking at “love your enemies” in the same way, I saw that “love” meant to do good to those that persecute you rather than take advantage to hurt them if you can. The story of the future King David fleeing from the jealous and murderous King Saul illustrates that David “loved” King Saul even though Saul was seeking to find and kill David. Twice David had a chance to kill Saul when Saul didn’t even know he was there, and both times, David did not kill Saul, but let him move on his way. Loving our enemies simply means that we must not try to seek revenge against them, even if we can, we must do what is right, even if we have a chance to do what is wrong, no matter how they have wronged us.
I came away from that summer of spiritual questioning with a new awareness of the concepts of the Bible’s teachings, which even if a person is not a believer in the Bible’s divine inspiration, still are psychologically sound.
Harboring, nurturing, and feeding anger, wrath, thoughts of revenge, may chemically light up the pleasure centers of our evolutionary brain, but in the long term, these strong and negative emotions prevent our healing. Short-term, anger is a very natural and normal part of the process we go through when we are injured. Long-term, like any other intense reactive emotion, anger/bitterness becomes a stressor in and of itself, keeping us from thinking rationally and reasonably, and focused only on the injury.
Sure, we were injured and we will never forget that injury (injuries) or the person who did them to us, but we will learn from that experience with the psychopath, learn how to prevent another “P-experience” and live a better life because of our knowledge. But trust them, ever again? Not on your life! Getting the bitterness out of our hearts, focusing on ourselves and our own healing, instead of on the hateful bitter vengeful feelings toward them, turns us in a positive direction, so that we can come to peace with the past,
What do I get out of “forgiving” those that have hurt me so much when they get off “scot-free?”
Well, first of all, I don’t get upset every time I think about them, or look at something that reminds me of them.
Secondly, I am not mad all the time. I can focus on other things besides the hurts that have been inflicted on me. In order to keep my anger up, I would have to focus a great deal of energy on thinking about the past injuries, pulling the scabs off the wounds so that they would continue to bleed. So I save a lot of energy in fueling this old anger that I can now focus on other more positive things.
Thirdly, my spirituality and my spiritual health are not impeded by this mass of anger and negative feelings. My stress level can now drop because these old injuries start to heal and the pain is lessened because of the healing. I am now more in tune with myself and my own needs, since I am no longer focusing all my energy on the injuries.
Fourthly, now that I am no longer angry all the time, I am not so prone to see insult and injury where none is intended. I have more patience with those I love and that love me. I have more patience with myself, and don’t turn this negative energy toward myself at times. I can set reasonable boundaries instead of letting things seethe and then blowing up about some minor problem that in the light of a non-angry mind isn’t worth worrying about. It lets me put things in a reasonable perspective.
Forgiving our enemies isn’t about them, it is all about US. Forgiving them allows us to heal from the wounds they inflicted. Hating and not forgiving them just allows them to go on re-injuring us forever.
Henry that post was eloquent, so right on, and so true!
That’s why I still love and miss my “little boy”–but I don’t miss the strange and evil man he became. I have beautiful memories of the little boy, catching trout in a mountain pool with his hands. So patient for a child, willing to wait an hour for the trout to come within his reach. So artistic, so bright, so full of promise.
Oxy, thanks for the response and the hugs :). Mindfulness. that’s the key. I need to be aware of those old scripts that play out and put the baggage back down when those emotions get stirred up again. Thanks again for this post. It’s been very helpful to recognize where I keep getting stuck.
I know I’m in a stage of re-training my mind to focus on myself more and more. I first had to go through the anger and aim it towards the person deserving of that anger. I had done plenty of aiming it towards myself while with him. I also understand that this is a process that you can’t rush. Every time I tried to forgive the S too soon I ended up more anxious than before. That was hard for me. But after praying about months ago the message I got was to give it time.
I believe that we need to allow ourselves to go through the anger and to experience it fully so we can release it and let it go. Then we start moving on to further healing. I know that when we hang onto the anger too long we end up training our thoughts to get stuck in a holding pattern and we internalize that pain. This can lead to all sorts of mental health and physiological problems.
It’s important to understand that we are not only led by our emotions but by our thoughts as well. If we don’t take control over them we continue to trigger the emotion and vice versus. Very CBT of course LOL. And CBT is very biblically based.
Henry you mentioned something that hit home. The “friends” thing. I remember being floored when the S said he wanted to be friends. How do you go from loving and wanting to marry someone to friends? I saw it as an insult. He obviousy didn’t care and wasn’t invested in working on anything in the relationship. That realization was a zinger. He, in turn, was insulted that I didn’t want to snatch up the offer right away. I told him that becoming friends after a break-up is not the norm unless the break-up is mutual. He said he always maintained friendships with his exs. His friends were the most important people in his life. I suppose he had told all of them that he loved them and wanted to marry them at one time too. Should I mention that he doesn’t have any long-term friends? You’d think a man that has stayed in one place his whole life would have a myriad of friends. Nope.
Besides, I think that’s in chapter one of their guide book…after telling us we’re their soul mate they’re to paint a picture of a perfect life together. Sometimes I just have to laugh because they really do follow such a pattern of behavior. Do you think they have clubs and organizations we don’t know about? Do they come out with revised versions of the guide book every couple of years to keep things current? (I know there are people here that are still hurting very deeply from the abuse. I hope my joking doesn’t insult anyone. I’m still in the throws of it too but somedays the sarcasm comes flying out!).
But seriously, as we’ve experienced ourselves their attachment to others is certainly not emotional. It’s possession. I think of all the toys I accumulated growing up. I know this is cliche, but when I picked a new favorite one to play with I didn’t want my mom to give away the old ones. I might want to play with them again later. I would get so upset when I’d find that she gave any of them away. Who cares if I hadn’t played with them in a year or more? They were mine.
I think that’s how the Ss look at people in general, not just us. They want people to stick around so they can play with us some more in the future. If they were able to empathize and experience a normal range of emotions they wouldn’t even dare expect us to stay. But we are not seen as entities outside of themselves in the first place. Just like our possessions. We define ourselves by the things we own, the clothes we wear, etc. We are no different to them. Unless of course we betray them and we don’t cooperate. Then we are dismissed and free to go. I ,for one, was an unruly toy that by the grace of God would not cooperate. I got punished for it but it led to my freedom in the end.
I also think they possibly go for the “friends” thing because it validates who they see themselves to be and negates the abusive things they do. If we stay then how bad can they really be? At least that’s another take on it. If only they understood trauma bonds. Maybe they do and use that to their advantage. Who knows. Honestly, I don’t wish to give them any more credit on the intelligence scale. I don’t know that we can truly ever understand what goes on in the mind of an S. If we’re gathering information from their self-report we can bet that it’s riddled with lies. They want to come across as so grandiose no matter how they present (pity ploy or not). I dare not offer up any grand reasons for doing what they do outside the basics of what we do know by their selfish and child-like behavior. When I look at the S as a child, it makes more sense to me. If you’ve ever encountered a conduct disordered child it is easy to see the correlation. In the end, this helps me take a step back and see how impersonal my experience was no matter how personal it felt. I was a shiny toy, I served my time in the toy box, now I am free to venture around Never Never Land or wherever my dreams take me.
Never again thats what I said to myself – I never want to feel your kinda pain again, boy – just when I think it’s over – just when I think it’s thru – I find myself right back in love with you – Why does it hurt so bad – Why do I feel so sad – thought I was over you – but I keep crying when I don’t love you – so why does it hurt me so – I gotta get you out of my head – It hurts so bad {whitney houston}
Henry (the 8th!). Good love isnt supposed to hurt like that. x
Henry, Isn’t that song from the “Waiting Exhale” sountrack? Looking back weren’t all of those women dealing with sociopaths?
Dear Takingmeback,
Very good points, and for cognative Behavior therapy, it is difficult sometimes to get the client (or our selves even) to admit that they CAN control their emotions. It seems impossible if your emotions have controlled you all your life.
Your thing about the toys made me flash on a memory. I had a huge number of dolls when I was 10 or 11, and each night I would line them up in the bed with their heads on the pillow until I could hardly get into the bed or find a place for myself. If I picked a “favorite” doll or “played favorites” with them, I FELT GUILTY for their hurt feelings. DUH!???
Even though I have used CBT with patients, I must WORK HARD to put it into practice for myself. I have never gotten to the point that it is “automatic” or that I can run on “autopilot” I have to keep reminding myself daily, sometimes hourly. I’m not sure I will ever get to “autopilot” on it, or setting boundaries either, but as long as I keep working at it, I know I can keep my life “between the ditches” so to speak.
When we learn to drive at first it is very nerve wracking and we have to concentrate on every turn, every acceleration and each thing we do, after a while we get to the point that we can “drive” and do it well without even thinking about each move, it is almost like we are on “autopilot” and we can concentrate on our driving but also on other things as well. I hope I can get to that point with the CBT and taking charge of my own emotions with my rational mind, but I may never, and I have come to accept that because of my “late start” I am having to work harder at it, but I am DETERMINED to continue on and to PRACTICE SO THAT I CAN PERFECT IT.
In the meantime, if I can “keep it between the ditches” in life, I will be much better off than I have ever been before.
The thing I do notice is that while I may not have the “high” days of euphoria that I sometimes had with the Ps I don’t have any of the “low” days that are the absolute PITS OF PAIN. So that is at least helping me to keep in the “middle of the road” and I would much rather do that than to even experience those heady euphoric highs of “love” and “desire” that I experienced with the X-BF and I am no longer “craving” a fix any more either on that “romance” part.
Training our brains to “think” in new pathways, and to quiet our emotions of anger, rage, etc. (notice I said “quiet them” NOT “ignore” or “suppress” them.)
Acknowledging the angers, the wishes for revenge or for the heavens to fall on their heads, etc. I think is also sooooo important. I know I was “trained as a child” that Anger itself was a “sin”—so when I felt angry I also felt guilty for feeling that way. I felt guilty when I set a boundary because it “might hurt someone’s feelings” because hurting someone else’s feelings was also a “sin” and when you “sinned” you should feel guilty and shameful. If someone else “sinned” against you though, you must not become angry, you must just pretend it didn’t happen.
Gosh I learned to be such an ACTRESS–externally, but in playing these ROLES I neglected myself. I should have gone on the stage instead of into medicine, because I could have won 100 Acadamey Awards for my performances of “pretending I’m not hurt” or “never letting them see my bleeding wounds.” LOL I “missed my calling!”
yes ” Waiting to Exhale” I am sp pathetic……
sp = so
Takingmeback, I think your insight is perfect.
They are their first priority, always, so all you have to do is ask, what’s in it for them. They want to seem the blameless hero, how better than appearing to take the “high road” by offering friendship, easy when you haven’t invested real feelings. And of course, what is more important to them than supply, and even negative attention is better than no attention in a pinch.
I’ve had occasion for contact because of legal matters, but have found that reality, when no contact isn’t possible, in my case has worked very well. He knows I now belive nothing he tells me. Friendship?, no thank you, why would I waste my time with someone who proved they are not believable or trustworthy.
Next when he attempts “temperature checking” conversation, I begin with if you want to chat, the only place to start is with your behavior. Dangerous territory for one who sees himself as flawless, especially since he knows I enlisted a PI and I have the facts.
Game stopped because of his grandiosity and his insecurity, and nothing is more important to him than keeping up his game.
Benz