Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
For my whole life I felt that I could never measure up because I was expected to “pretend it never happened” in order to meet my mother’s definition of the word “forgive.” I was expected to trust the person who had hurt me in the past, and who I knew would hurt me again in the future. I was told by religious leaders, whom I trusted, that if I did not “pretend it didn’t happen” and “truly forgive,” I was bound for an eternal residence in hellfire and brimstone.
Many of us who are Christians know the various Bible passages that say, in essence, we must “forgive those who trespass against us” if we expect God to forgive us of our own wrongdoing. Jesus, as our ultimate example, from the cross said, “Father forgive them”¦”
How can we mortal human beings possibly expect to be able to truly forgive those people who have so deliberately ripped our lives apart?
After the “Summer of Chaos,” as I have come to call my last run in with the psychopaths, I was so devastated, so angry, so bitter, so filled with wrath that I could only focus on the many details of the many crimes and arrows that had been slung at me so very unfairly by so many members of my family. I was filled from top to bottom with bitterness and anger.
I am fortunate that I have several well-educated ministers in my acquaintance that I could call upon for advice, as well as reading the Bible for myself. After talking to these men at great length, I finally came to the question, does “forgiveness” really mean “pretending it didn’t happen, and restoring trust to these people?”
Does “love your enemies” really mean that I have to have a “gushy” feeling for these people who have harmed me so easily and with so much glee?
After much reading of the scriptures and talking with the various ministers (of several denominations) I came to a new definition of the word “forgiveness” that I think is more rational and makes more sense than my mother’s definition of “let’s just pretend none of this ever happened.” (She actually said this aloud.)
The new definitions of love and forgiveness are these.
Forgiveness does not mean “pretend it never happened.” Forgiveness means to get the bitterness and wrath out of your heart toward those that have wronged you. For example, when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, I am sure that he was very justifiably angry with these brothers for doing this to him. They demoted him from the status of “favored son” to the status of an animal that was bought and sold.
The Bible tells us, though, that Joseph got the bitterness out of his heart toward his brothers during the many years he was in Egypt. But when his brothers miraculously appeared before him, not, of course, recognizing that their brother was now second only to the Pharaoh, Joseph did not immediately identify himself to his brothers, “Hey, guys, it’s me, the brother you sold off as a slave!”
But Joseph did test his brothers to see what kind of men they had become in those same years. Were they the same uncaring, jealous men that they had been when they had cast him into the pit, and grieved their aged father with a tale about him being torn apart by some wild animal, taking his blood-stained cloak back to his father as proof of his death, not caring that they were bringing grief upon their father’s head with the tale of his death? Or had they learned anything? Had they changed?
Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but he still didn’t trust them until after they had passed his tests to see what kind of men they were.
Putting all this together then gave me a new definition of “forgiveness,” and it was simply the removing of the smoldering anger, the thirst for revenge, the gnawing hate for them. I was not required by God or good sense to trust these same people, or to “pretend they had not done what they did.” Forgiveness was an act, not a feeling.
Looking at “love your enemies” in the same way, I saw that “love” meant to do good to those that persecute you rather than take advantage to hurt them if you can. The story of the future King David fleeing from the jealous and murderous King Saul illustrates that David “loved” King Saul even though Saul was seeking to find and kill David. Twice David had a chance to kill Saul when Saul didn’t even know he was there, and both times, David did not kill Saul, but let him move on his way. Loving our enemies simply means that we must not try to seek revenge against them, even if we can, we must do what is right, even if we have a chance to do what is wrong, no matter how they have wronged us.
I came away from that summer of spiritual questioning with a new awareness of the concepts of the Bible’s teachings, which even if a person is not a believer in the Bible’s divine inspiration, still are psychologically sound.
Harboring, nurturing, and feeding anger, wrath, thoughts of revenge, may chemically light up the pleasure centers of our evolutionary brain, but in the long term, these strong and negative emotions prevent our healing. Short-term, anger is a very natural and normal part of the process we go through when we are injured. Long-term, like any other intense reactive emotion, anger/bitterness becomes a stressor in and of itself, keeping us from thinking rationally and reasonably, and focused only on the injury.
Sure, we were injured and we will never forget that injury (injuries) or the person who did them to us, but we will learn from that experience with the psychopath, learn how to prevent another “P-experience” and live a better life because of our knowledge. But trust them, ever again? Not on your life! Getting the bitterness out of our hearts, focusing on ourselves and our own healing, instead of on the hateful bitter vengeful feelings toward them, turns us in a positive direction, so that we can come to peace with the past,
What do I get out of “forgiving” those that have hurt me so much when they get off “scot-free?”
Well, first of all, I don’t get upset every time I think about them, or look at something that reminds me of them.
Secondly, I am not mad all the time. I can focus on other things besides the hurts that have been inflicted on me. In order to keep my anger up, I would have to focus a great deal of energy on thinking about the past injuries, pulling the scabs off the wounds so that they would continue to bleed. So I save a lot of energy in fueling this old anger that I can now focus on other more positive things.
Thirdly, my spirituality and my spiritual health are not impeded by this mass of anger and negative feelings. My stress level can now drop because these old injuries start to heal and the pain is lessened because of the healing. I am now more in tune with myself and my own needs, since I am no longer focusing all my energy on the injuries.
Fourthly, now that I am no longer angry all the time, I am not so prone to see insult and injury where none is intended. I have more patience with those I love and that love me. I have more patience with myself, and don’t turn this negative energy toward myself at times. I can set reasonable boundaries instead of letting things seethe and then blowing up about some minor problem that in the light of a non-angry mind isn’t worth worrying about. It lets me put things in a reasonable perspective.
Forgiving our enemies isn’t about them, it is all about US. Forgiving them allows us to heal from the wounds they inflicted. Hating and not forgiving them just allows them to go on re-injuring us forever.
Many years ago I met a very nice man. We really hit it off. I can still remember the sparkle in his eye’s. He was a very sweet man. We agreed to meet for dinner the next weekend, and he told me he was HIV+. It scared the hell out of me and I didn’t show up for that dinner date. I will never forgive myself for doing that to him. Who know’s he could of been the one…..
Boy Henry.. I couldn’t do it.. the fear would kill any intimacy I might feel.
Oxy, my ADHD-like friend. You know I have been wondering today if I truly have ADHD or if it’s the PTSD. Do you think the stimulant would work so well if it’s just PTSD?
As for practicing CBT. ..for me I need to work on being aware of where I am in the present. Then practice once I know what I’m feeling and thinking. I detach very easily. I actually dissociate a lot when under duress. In fact, I remember calling the S once after we had just gotten off the phone. I was upset but I couldn’t remember why. I heard myself say, “I’ve been dissociating a lot when we talk and I can’t remember what we just talked about.” And why didn’t I see that as a clue? Yep, I’m S-M-R-T smart LOL!
As for your comment about acting. Many a time I have walked out of a room and literally said, “I just won my Academy Award!” Now for the acceptance speech… I’d like to thank my N father who taught me to “plaster that smile across my face” or I’d “regret it later”. A man who taught me that I was to be what he wanted, when he wanted and, no matter what, it would never be good enough for him (until I stopped trying). Without all those “acting lessons” I wouldn’t be here today. LOL
Love,
“Lucy”
Benzthere, I find it interesting how easy it is to make them insecure. Paranoid even. My ex-S knows that I know who he is underneath that facade. Do you know he has mounted video cameras around his house? LOL I know it’s not nice to make fun of the mentally “distrubed” shall we say? But I am as harmless as they come.
It’s interesting though. Fear may not stop them from doing the awful things they do to us. But they are usually smart enough to know that what they do can result in revenge. So they rally the troops, tell a hearty lie of a tale, and strike first with character assasination and the smear campaign. But one hint that we know who they truly are and we’re no longer buying into their lies and they run for cover. You’d think we just bore our teeth and growled at them! Pulled the pin on the hand grenade! If I could give one message to the ex-S right now I’d tell him to, “get real and grow up!” Oops, I forgot he can’t. He’s developmentally stuck. My bad.
Henry, sprry but I’m gonna get on you for this one. You’re not pathetic! The soundtrack for Waiting to Exhale is a good one. I’m sure it hits home to how you’re feeling. Now stop listening to it and put on something uplifting!!!
Don’t forget sp=so. Who says typos are a mistake? Ever wonder how many slang words started from mistakes? Flashback to the 90s. Wife says, “Honey, how do I look it this new dress?” Husband replies, “Bad”. Quickly realizing his near-fatal mistake he looks up into the now cold, calculating eyes of his wife and quicklys says, “It’s a new slang word. It’s baaaadd. Get it? It’s soooo good it’s bad”. He sheepisly grins while awaiting her response as he tries to control his heartrate and stop that bead of sweat from running down the side of his face…LOL OK, it’s past my bedtime. I’m starting to get goofier by the minute.
Smile henry, just humor me and smile LOL
Dear Takingmeback,
I’m not sure about the dissoicating–I know that I had times when I actually had “amnesia’ for a few minutes. I used to be able to recall any conversation I ever had word for word, but after the plane crash I would have things happen that I literally didn’t remember, conversations I didn’t remember at all. I couldn’t read (didn’t have enough short term memory to keep a sentence in my head while I completed it. Couldn’t write down a series of numbers more than one at a time. Couldn’t dial a phone except one number at a time (looking back at the written number) I even had to move my finger over it so I knew which I had dialed last. That lasted several months, then I got somewhat better but 2 yrs later, I could only do 6 numbers forward and none backward on a mental status exam.
I’ve always been “hyperactive,” speaking fast, thinking fast, moving fast—but able to multitask and keep all the balls in the air and not drop any. AFter the plane crash I used to tease myself that now I could juggle ONE BALL and keep it off the floor most of the time as long as I never let go of it. It really was about that bad.
I took the ritalin for about 3 months or so, and I’m not sure if it really helped me concentrate or not, I couldn’t tell that it did, so I just quit taking it (with my doc’s permission). She also tried me on some mood stabilizers on the off chance that my “hyperactivity” was really some bi-polar with hypo-mania, but I couldn’t tell that it did anyting for me too, so discontinued that. My son monitored me and watched for any signs of fluctuating moods. I haven’t seen any sign of it ever except that when I get too stressed I will get “down” and more depressed.
I’m still sort of scatter-brained –misplacing car keys, glasses, etc. but over all, much improved. I just laugh at it now and talk about my CRS (can’t remember chit) and I don’t let it bother me like I did.
I’m stil being “careful” and avoiding possible triggers, especially with my mom, I had to do some paper transfers with her today and I sent my son to take the papers to her and get the ones from her, so I wouldn’t have to see her face to face. Last time I saw her it led to a trigger response, so I’ll just avoid it and though I think I could have done okay, not taking any chances.
I have realized that I don’t have much if any resilencey to stress, no reserve so to speak of strength. If someone is nasty to me, I am more likely to either react angrily or feel hurt than I ever have in my life. I am getting over this more quickly than I did a year ago at the height of the stress though. Things that a year ago I would have gone through the roof over, I am letting slide and they aren’t bothering me, but at the same time, I feel I am just one trigger away from a melt down, so I try to avoid them if I can. My therapist says that is negative thinking (waiting for the other shoe to fall) and maybe it is, but when you’ve had a centiped up over you dropping shoes, it is hard not to think there might be another one coming! LOL
My son C is coming home this next weekend and I am anxious to see him, it makes me feel good that he wants to come home to visit, and is getting homesick and wanting to move back home. Also we have several things scheduled for a busy week. My adopted son’s bio sister is coming from out of state to go to college near us (about 30 miles away) and we are both excited about that. He will go help her move into her dorm room. So I imagine I will have a house full of college kids coming and going this fall with her and her friends. I miss that house full of young people. One year before my husband died we actually pushed four (4) FULL GROWN STEERS as beef across my dining room table. That’s about 1400 pounds of boneless meat cooked in one year for the meals that I served them all. I used to joke that there had been more good beef and more good conversation go across that table than any table I ever heard of! Since my husband’s death I’ve fed more organic high quality beef to my dogs than we have eaten and there’s been almost no entertaining or impromptu gatherings. I’m ready to get back to doing some informal entertaining. (the only kind I ever do)
I enjoy having the young people around, and am glad that they all feel comfortable here and enjoy joking around with the funny old lady and her bad puns.
I need to go to bed, too, but I’ve been watching the olympics, and I’m retired, so I shouldn’t feel guilty if I stay up on the computer and watching olympics and sleep late.
Except for that brief four months of “fantasy happiness” I had with the P, it has been one crisis after another with the death of my husband, my step dad’s death etc. for over 4 years now, and then the last 2 yrs of the P-experience and the aftermath, but I do feel that I am finally getting through the roughest of the hazards of it all.
We absolutely never tell a victim to force themselves or even try to forgive the predator; there are things no one should forgive.
Kathy Krajco said:
By forgiving every offense ”“ for no reason other than that it was committed and hurts me – I am letting them hurt me! Pardon my incredulity at such craziness. That allows me no more rights than his punching bag has. I mean, to be a good girl, I must thus serve myself up on a platter (the literal meaning of be-tray) and deliver myself up to continued victimization = I must bend over it.
Yes, that will make me like myself a lot. I’m being sarcastic, of course. I see that I must thus make me hate myself instead of my abuser. Because I will for sure hate myself for being such an abject worm who just lays down like a doormat to be trampled like that.
And any HUMAN being, any therapist or preacher with one drop of empathy/humanity in them, knows that. How callous of these “caring” people to tell us we’re bad if we don’t prostrate ourselves to abuse this way – something that makes any man, woman, or child feel so self-degraded that they hate themselves ever after.
How faithful of me to me. But what happens to your relationship with anyone who betrays you to harm or abuse? Then what happens to your relationship with yourself when you betray yourself?
…forgiveness is for the repentant. To hand it out to the unrepentant is like going up to your neighbor on trash-collection day and saying, “Here, I’ll trade you this 12-carrot diamond ring for that little baggie of doggie-do.”
It makes a mockery of something sacred and precious.
Forgiveness is for the Repentant
A great article on Forgiveness by Sharon Lamb can be found HERE
Two great other articles from Kathy Krajco on this can be found HERE and HERE —
The one to forgive is YOURSELF:
Repair the relationship with yourself. The fruit of forgiveness is reconciliation (ask any theologian).
1. Admit that you have allowed the pathological to abuse you.
2. Admit that it was wrong to do so, though be fair with yourself and consider the reasons why you were driven to do so. You were not stupid, you were targetted and manipulated.
3. Be sorry that you betrayed yourself to abuse.
4. Make whatever amends are possible and appropriate.
5. Most important – repent = promise to never betray yourself again.
Henry,
You have a very tender heart and a very clear mind.
:o)
Me
Fighter,
Forgiveness is a choice, a conscious decision not an emotional one, and no one should ever force anyone to do something against their will. However, no one lives so perfectly that they should be above forgiveness of another. We choose to forgive, because we have been forgiven by the only one who was indeed perfect.
Forgiving has nothing to do with allowing more hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse away or relieve behavior. Forgiveness relieves one of any responsibility for or judgment of another, and instead leaves that responsibility to God, just as it should.
I didn’t trade a diamond for doggie do, I chose instead to leave my trash at the curb for appropriate disposal, and then go back inside to polish my diamond and figure out how to keep it from again getting so dirty in the future. I am better, not worse for doing that because it lightened my load and allowed me to take the focus off of him and onto me, and to work on the five healing steps you outline above.
Someone previously mentioned that to her/him forgiveness represented acceptance, a good word I think to describe forgiveness. I don’t condone his behavior, I abhor it. And I still hurt, still get angry, still have bad thoughts, still have emotional and physical issues at times. God will heal in due time, but I don’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven. I pray for him, that’s all I can do. Assigning fault isn’t my goal, regaining my well being and God’s peace is.
Benz
wow..oxy excellent article…very thought provoking…i havent been around recently and am forced to skim to keep up…but i see it touched the hearts of many…and although it was meaningful i couldnt put a finger on why it was arousing much emotion in me personally…even though i could empathise with other posters……well aloha hit the nail on the head for me….although my religion tells me i should forgive him…i just dont feel that….i feel i should get rid of the anger and bitterness that will harm me…and its hard to think i should love him as my neighbor……..but who knows , in time, maybe all these things will fall into place…..for now all i care about is getting over the anger and anxiety he caused…and i think im almost there……..i do think i can forget seeking revenge, although the thought is so sweet still….but just requires too much negative energy….i still need to think God or the universe will take care of that for me…..i actually still HOPE they will….terri
Dear NewWorldView,
That was the point I was trying to make is the “definition” of forgiveness (or I guess I should say definition-s, plural) that I had always been forced to work under were WRONG. I had been force fed a twisted definition that “forgiveness=forgetting” and I could never forget–never trust them again, and because I could never get to this “definition” I felt I had FAILED.
In truth, as I see it now, and this is just MY OWN “New definition” forgiveness does NOT equate with “forgetting” and it does NOT equate with restoring trust to these people. It simply means GETTING THE BITTERNESS OUT OF MY HEART. Getting rid of that feeling of wanting revenge, vengence, and hating them.
To me now “loving” my neighbor doesn’t mean a “squishy” feeling, it means NOT FEELING BITTER TOWARD THEM, and not doing harm toward them when the opportunity presents itself.
For example, the jerk across the road from me that SUED me for $50,000 for his own “pain and suffering” because my husband “tresspassed” on his land by being in the aircraft that crashed there and killed my husband and severely burned 3 other people—his cows got out on the road. I could have done nothing, but I “loved” him by calling him and telling him his cows were out. It was an ACT, not a “feeling.”
I have since gotten rid of the bitterness toward him (forgiven him) but I still don’t feel any squishy feeling toward him. He has literally been driven from the community now for his acts toward me, but I didn’t do that, the neighbors did. He is no longer a thorn in my side, but I DID the right thing by calling him and telling him his cows were out. I didn’t WANT to do that at the time, for sure, because at the time I was still bitter at him, but now I have no regrets, and no bitterness.
If he had been gone and his house caught on fire, I would have called the fire department, and not have said to myself “well, his house is on fire, good enough for him after what he did, let it burn.” That would have been VENGENCE, but that is not, I don’t think, my providence as the Bible says “vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord.” So I think that calling the fire department would have been “loving” my neighbor.
To me, the forgiveness that has a hope of “restoring the relationship” must be accompanied by repentence on the part of the other person and a CHANGE in their behavior and attitude, an acknowledgement that they have hurt us and that they will not do it again. That is why, though I am working hard to forgive my mother (get the bitterness out of my heart toward her) I see no chance for any restoration of a relationshihp with her because she has NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED THAT SHE DID ANYTHING WRONG, OR THAT I WAS HURT, but instead wants me to “pretend nothing happened.” She obviously has no remorse for what she did, therefore I can’t TRUST her to not do it again. No trust=no relationship. The same with my P-son.
My son C also hurt me by not believing me when I warned him about the “whole situation”—but unlike my mother, he acknowledged that he was wrong, acknowledged my hurt, my pain, showed remorse for my injury, promised not to do it again, and has shown a change in attitude and behavior. I had no trouble IMMEDIATELY restoring trust to him, because I had no doubt from his words and his actions that he was completely sincere, and that his remorse was deep and real. Because of his attitude, not only was the bitterness and pain immediately erased from my heart for his behaviors, but our relationship was restored, stronger than ever. I have given my mother multiple opportunities to show remorse for her behaviors and attitudes, and received nothing from her to indicate that she has any. Therefore the only tack I can take is NC, but I am still working to “forgive” her (quit feeling bitter toward her), but I can never trust her again or have a relationship with her.