Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Ox Drover
For my whole life I felt that I could never measure up because I was expected to “pretend it never happened” in order to meet my mother’s definition of the word “forgive.” I was expected to trust the person who had hurt me in the past, and who I knew would hurt me again in the future. I was told by religious leaders, whom I trusted, that if I did not “pretend it didn’t happen” and “truly forgive,” I was bound for an eternal residence in hellfire and brimstone.
Many of us who are Christians know the various Bible passages that say, in essence, we must “forgive those who trespass against us” if we expect God to forgive us of our own wrongdoing. Jesus, as our ultimate example, from the cross said, “Father forgive them”¦”
How can we mortal human beings possibly expect to be able to truly forgive those people who have so deliberately ripped our lives apart?
After the “Summer of Chaos,” as I have come to call my last run in with the psychopaths, I was so devastated, so angry, so bitter, so filled with wrath that I could only focus on the many details of the many crimes and arrows that had been slung at me so very unfairly by so many members of my family. I was filled from top to bottom with bitterness and anger.
I am fortunate that I have several well-educated ministers in my acquaintance that I could call upon for advice, as well as reading the Bible for myself. After talking to these men at great length, I finally came to the question, does “forgiveness” really mean “pretending it didn’t happen, and restoring trust to these people?”
Does “love your enemies” really mean that I have to have a “gushy” feeling for these people who have harmed me so easily and with so much glee?
After much reading of the scriptures and talking with the various ministers (of several denominations) I came to a new definition of the word “forgiveness” that I think is more rational and makes more sense than my mother’s definition of “let’s just pretend none of this ever happened.” (She actually said this aloud.)
The new definitions of love and forgiveness are these.
Forgiveness does not mean “pretend it never happened.” Forgiveness means to get the bitterness and wrath out of your heart toward those that have wronged you. For example, when Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, I am sure that he was very justifiably angry with these brothers for doing this to him. They demoted him from the status of “favored son” to the status of an animal that was bought and sold.
The Bible tells us, though, that Joseph got the bitterness out of his heart toward his brothers during the many years he was in Egypt. But when his brothers miraculously appeared before him, not, of course, recognizing that their brother was now second only to the Pharaoh, Joseph did not immediately identify himself to his brothers, “Hey, guys, it’s me, the brother you sold off as a slave!”
But Joseph did test his brothers to see what kind of men they had become in those same years. Were they the same uncaring, jealous men that they had been when they had cast him into the pit, and grieved their aged father with a tale about him being torn apart by some wild animal, taking his blood-stained cloak back to his father as proof of his death, not caring that they were bringing grief upon their father’s head with the tale of his death? Or had they learned anything? Had they changed?
Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but he still didn’t trust them until after they had passed his tests to see what kind of men they were.
Putting all this together then gave me a new definition of “forgiveness,” and it was simply the removing of the smoldering anger, the thirst for revenge, the gnawing hate for them. I was not required by God or good sense to trust these same people, or to “pretend they had not done what they did.” Forgiveness was an act, not a feeling.
Looking at “love your enemies” in the same way, I saw that “love” meant to do good to those that persecute you rather than take advantage to hurt them if you can. The story of the future King David fleeing from the jealous and murderous King Saul illustrates that David “loved” King Saul even though Saul was seeking to find and kill David. Twice David had a chance to kill Saul when Saul didn’t even know he was there, and both times, David did not kill Saul, but let him move on his way. Loving our enemies simply means that we must not try to seek revenge against them, even if we can, we must do what is right, even if we have a chance to do what is wrong, no matter how they have wronged us.
I came away from that summer of spiritual questioning with a new awareness of the concepts of the Bible’s teachings, which even if a person is not a believer in the Bible’s divine inspiration, still are psychologically sound.
Harboring, nurturing, and feeding anger, wrath, thoughts of revenge, may chemically light up the pleasure centers of our evolutionary brain, but in the long term, these strong and negative emotions prevent our healing. Short-term, anger is a very natural and normal part of the process we go through when we are injured. Long-term, like any other intense reactive emotion, anger/bitterness becomes a stressor in and of itself, keeping us from thinking rationally and reasonably, and focused only on the injury.
Sure, we were injured and we will never forget that injury (injuries) or the person who did them to us, but we will learn from that experience with the psychopath, learn how to prevent another “P-experience” and live a better life because of our knowledge. But trust them, ever again? Not on your life! Getting the bitterness out of our hearts, focusing on ourselves and our own healing, instead of on the hateful bitter vengeful feelings toward them, turns us in a positive direction, so that we can come to peace with the past,
What do I get out of “forgiving” those that have hurt me so much when they get off “scot-free?”
Well, first of all, I don’t get upset every time I think about them, or look at something that reminds me of them.
Secondly, I am not mad all the time. I can focus on other things besides the hurts that have been inflicted on me. In order to keep my anger up, I would have to focus a great deal of energy on thinking about the past injuries, pulling the scabs off the wounds so that they would continue to bleed. So I save a lot of energy in fueling this old anger that I can now focus on other more positive things.
Thirdly, my spirituality and my spiritual health are not impeded by this mass of anger and negative feelings. My stress level can now drop because these old injuries start to heal and the pain is lessened because of the healing. I am now more in tune with myself and my own needs, since I am no longer focusing all my energy on the injuries.
Fourthly, now that I am no longer angry all the time, I am not so prone to see insult and injury where none is intended. I have more patience with those I love and that love me. I have more patience with myself, and don’t turn this negative energy toward myself at times. I can set reasonable boundaries instead of letting things seethe and then blowing up about some minor problem that in the light of a non-angry mind isn’t worth worrying about. It lets me put things in a reasonable perspective.
Forgiving our enemies isn’t about them, it is all about US. Forgiving them allows us to heal from the wounds they inflicted. Hating and not forgiving them just allows them to go on re-injuring us forever.
Thank you for this thoughtful, insightful and healing article. My brother is a psychopathic. I have been the target of his hate and jealousy for my entire life (I am now in my 40’s). As a child, I was physically and verbally abused on a daily basis. My parents didn’t know how to stop it so they just tried to keep us separated. I escaped this abuse by moving away from my family in my early 20’s. Why isn’t more written about sibling abuse and psychopathy? I know I am not alone.
Thank you Wini, and thank you, Pink,
My mother was abused by her brother (7 yrs older) from the day she was born he was jealous and tried to smother her, and did continue to do this until she was 7 on a regular basis (he was 14 at the time) Her mother KNEW about this behavior but kept it secret from his father “because if he knew he might give him a spanking and he might run away from home”—she was a toxic enabler. Finally, my grandfather found out, and put a stop to the overt abuse. My uncle grew up to be a psychopath of monstrous proportions. My mother grew up to be a TOXIC enabler. After her mother died, she assumed the role of “let’s just pretend none of this horrible behavior happened.”
I am sure that there is more than a little sibling abuse in families where there is a Psychopath. I’m not sure why it is not talked about more, or more published on it. My own psychpathic son manipulated his brother and our family, but it was mostly after adolescence. My good son now refers to the P as “My X brother” and will not even speak his name.
Odette, a blogger here, has a P brother that has used and abused her all her life, so she might have some good information for you.
I want to share something that happened to me when I was in the worst throws of despair after breaking up with the sociopath. I was suicidal and could hardly think straight. I knew I needed help but didn’t know where to seek it from. I decided on a whim to have lunch at an Indian buffet I had not been to in many years. I happened to overhear a conversation about an east Indian woman who was in town that day giving blessings. She is believed all over the world to be the earthly incarnation of the Devine Mother. It is said that a blessing from her can cause miracles for the person being blessed. I took it as a sign that I was in that restaurant that day. I went and got a blessing from the woman. I cried for a long time during and after the blessing. She gave me a tiny packet of ashes to put on my tongue morning and night.
I have been doing this for about a month. Every time I do it, I feel a shift in my energy. The heaviness and darkness inside that is left over from the sociopath starts to lift and leave my body. I have realized after a month of healing that I have been transported back into my childhood where I was raised from age 7 by a narcissistic mother and a sociopathic stepfather. It was there that the “dark cloud” settled into my heart, and I felt trapped and in despair.
I am working on letting all of this go. It is no longer about the recent sociopath. Sometimes he even seems a million miles away, even though I recently just turned him in to the army for his transgression. Recently, I looked through the emails he sent me to see which ones I will send in for evidence. I was saddened to read in the emails how he was constantly breaking promises, giving me only crumbs, and treating me poorly. And I kept putting up with it. I feel sad for myself that I allowed someone to treat me like that.
Anyway, to get back to topic, for me the healing is very much happening on an energetic level. The darkness resides in my body in my heart and solar plexus. I’m learning to just release it and live the happy life I was intended to live. Not quite there yet.
Blessings to all.
Dear STargazer,
I am so glad that you are letting go of the very natural anger and bitterness we feel toward them for the betrayal that they did to us. Healing is a very spiritual thing (for me at least) as well as a mental, emotional and physical thing. Bitterness and negative thoughts (which come naturally after the injury they do us) if we hang on to it, just EATS US ALIVE and takes the joy of life away from us. Blessings to you and I am happy that you are on a road to peace after the injury.
Whatever our source of spirituality, I think it gives us the strength and peace to truly and completely heal. (((Stargazer)))
I have thought long and hard before turning him in to the army (who will hopefully tell his wife). I wanted to make sure that A) I was strong enough to deal with any repercussions, and B) that my main motive was not anger or revenge. After 6 weeks of healing, I have come to feel that what I am doing is simply the right thing. Perhaps another woman will be spared what I went through. I found out when talking to his commander about the adulterous affair, that the army believes he is lying about a medical condition to get a medical discharge. So I may have inadvertently screwed up his discharge from the army, as well. It was not my intention, and I actually have mixed feelings about interfering with someone’s life, even though he certainly has it coming to him.
I have a friend who was married to a sociopath over 20 years ago. He damaged her very badly, and then went on to become a mayor of a town in California where he is loved by many. Even after all this time, she watches the internet for signs that he will be brought down. I feel fortunate that I won’t have to do this. I can be part of the solution by turning him in. I did my part. I feel I’ve done everything I can. Now I can just move on.
You should all know that there is a very strict policy about adultery in the army. If the sociopath is in the armed forces, there are strict punishments for such transgressions.
DEar Stargazer,
I am sure that your P will see what you did as “revenge” but it isn’t revenge if the law or regulations are being broken.
Calling the law when you see someone rob a store is not “revenge” it is doing your duty as a citizen. Hopefully, this man will get “justice.” MAny of them skate just north of the law because people don’t report them to the proper authorities.
Two of my psychopaths went to jail, one is out on probation (my X DIL) and the other is still in prison for his part. I was successful in keeping him from being paroled illegally in violation of the parole board regulations and as far as I am that is JUSTICE, NOT REVENGE.
We don’t always get justice, at least not in this life, but as long as we don’t go out to seek “revenge” I think we are on the moral side of it all. That’s just my opinion but it is one I think I can back up.
I hope that his wife is not devestated, but she is married to this man and this may save her future pain. I feel for this woman, and I have no doubt that she is also a victim. Sometimes, though, even with evidence like this, the victim will still be under the “spell” and not leave. But at least she will have a chance to know the truth. I would also bet you are not his first “indescretion” either.
That’s one of the hazards of meeting people via the internet, they can “be” anyone they want to pretend to be. They (psychopaths) usually come on very “strong” and fast as well. I am just thankful that you got out of it as soon as you did.
Dear Stargazer, I read your post with interest. I understand that ‘dark cloud’, that entered my heart when I was a child and it is something I have tried to relieve myself of ever since. I suppose if I were to put it into words – it would have been to say that life was a disappontment. I too had a mentally ill mother and narcissistic father – although, as a child I didnt realise this at the time. Apparently, when I was a year old, my tear ducts would not stop producing tears, – I was permanently crying – my mother had to take me to the eye hospital to get this fixed. I am still determined to make the best of what I have been dealt.
Stargazer, Just a PS to my last post. next year I will be transported back to when I was 6, with other people now around my age, who attended a care school – who have organised a reunion. It will be interesting to compare notes and feelings with those other ‘children’.
More like can i ever forgive myself for being such a fool to love a Evil woman the way i did.
DEar Taken,
That is a problem for us all, me included. Forgiveness should also be extended to ourselves, and restoration of trust in ourselves. While I think forgiving the others is necessary, we do NOT have to restore TRUST in them. But, I think we DO have to restore TRUST in ourselves. Restoration of trust takes TIME and experience and it will come if we work at it and are good and kind to ourselves. WE are HUMAN, and we make mistakes. We will make mistakes in the future, but I don’t think this is a life lesson we will forget–the hardest learned lessons are the most deeply impressed. We will be more cautious next time and watch for the red flags. We have gained wisdom now that we didn’t have before.