If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
I don’t hate my ex husband. I hate the condition he suffers from. Forgive? No…not there yet. I would love to be able to see this person as a ‘void’. Am hoping what they say about karma is true.
My sperm donor is a (still, in his late 80s) sadistic monster. I’ve tried to forgive him, even thought I had. Then realized for me it isn’t possible until, perhaps, the flashbacks stop, the trauma heals. At least more than at this point in my life. And even then I doubt I can forgive or that forgiveness is even the way for me, personally, to go…
And I don’t know that I’ll forgive the (dead) ex-spath either. He acted with such overwhelming malice, such intent to harm, for years. But I do need to find another way to go forward; just one that doesn’t require forgiving the unforgivable. (that said, dead ex-spath doesn’t occupy much of my thoughts these days, so in that sense he is diminished and grows fainter as time goes by)
Forgiveness is often a topic of discussion with regard to recovery along with “hate” and anger.
I don’t “hate” the exspath – I despise what he IS. I don’t “hate” the disorder – I despise that sociopathy is a part of the human condition. I am not “obligated” to forgive the exspath to continue in recovery. Forgiveness is for ME – I’m “obligated” to forgive myself for having made the grave error of trusting him.
Mandie, if you haven’t done it, it may be a really positive option to engage in strong counseling therapy with someone that “gets it.” I post this, frequently, but it’s true: human beings are simply not equipped to process the damages caused by a sociopathic human being, on their own. This site is an example of a virtual community that is in recovery from their collective experiences. We gather together, here, to work through this, and it is a LIFEsaver for me, personally. But, I needed face-to-face interaction with someone who could help me identify what I had experienced, and to help me learn HOW I had been so easily targeted.
Recovery requires time, hard work, and patience. We’re ALL going to be okay, in due time.
Brightest blessings
Linda, I also feel “nothingness” …..great word!
However, for me, feeling nothing doesn’t equate with forgiveness….. I certainly haven’t made a conscious decision to forgive him. I think I’ve accepted it…..I don’t suffer from the same emotional trauma I once did but how do you forgive?
Linda, I believe that discussion on forgiveness is very important to strong recovery, and I appreciate this article, very much.
I’ve typed this, before, but for many people the concept of “forgiveness” has some roots in religious / spiritual doctrines that may (or, may not) be flawed. For many, “forgiveness” is an allowance – a free pass – a sort of “what-you-did-was-wrong-but-it’s-okay-because-I-forgive-you” type of mandate, and this is NOT what “forgiveness” is all about, IMHO.
I think my take on what “forgiveness” really and truly is for me, personally, is acceptance. I have to accept my experiences for what they were, and make the choice to learn from them and, as you mentioned, actually FEEL a sense of gratitude for the lessons learned. Now, this doesn’t mean that I deserved my experiences, or that I WANTED them, or that I liked the classroom, by any stretch of the imagination! But, what it means to me (again, personally) is that there are personal issues that I need to address in order to grow and evolve as I should have, long ago.
So, forgiveness (again, personally) doesn’t mean that what the person did was okay. But, important changes came about as a result of these experiences. And, most of these changes are positive, though they may be uncomfortable during the process.
And, GOSH, but it does take some time, doesn’t it?! (tapping watch) I want to be over and done with all of this processing, YESTERDAY, and it just doesn’t happen like that.
Again, thank you for this discussion.
Brightest blessings
Truth, you said that PERFECTLY!!! Nothing about these situations will EVER be ok.
Rather, it is about bettering ourselves. I think we just need a better word for it! I agree that the word “forgiveness” is messy and confusing. Maybe we can think of one. Either way, finding inner peace is helpful, however it is we get there.
In no way am I advocating giving them a “pass,” under any circumstances. I can honestly say my “forgiveness,” for lack of a better word, was one of the most liberating (perhaps even selfish) things I have ever done.
hi Linda,
Maybe a better word (or words) is letting go of resentment.
When I was a kid, I resented having to get up early and go to school. It was freezing outside. I had to wear a short skirt as part of my school uniform. It sucked.
Of course, now I see that it was important for my education and my well being. (except for that stupid skirt, but we complained enough that they finally let us wear pants a few years later.)
I think that the spath lessons, as painful as they were, are invaluable to our growth. There is NO WAY that I was going to learn that lesson any other way. These lessons were hard, frightening and they were dangerous. We are lucky we survived. We’ve proved ourselves and we continue to prove ourselves every day by staying alive and continuing to grow.
I’m not saying that I’m totally without resentment yet, but I can imagine a time and place, somewhere in the future, where I will be able to look back and see it like I see the experiences of my youth, with wisdom and insight, and maybe even gratitude — sometimes.
As far as the spaths themselves, well the only appropriate feeling toward evil, is revulsion.
Linda, I have come to believe that “forgiveness” is getting the BITTERNESS out of our hearts, but it is NOT restoring trust or giving them a free pass to do it again.
As a child I was taught that forgiveness had to include restoration of a relationship with someone I knew had no remorse for what they had done in the past or likely would continue to do in the future. I.e. “forgiveness was pretending it didn’t happen”—I had a real bad time trying to reconcile this emotionally and spiritually.
Now that I no longer believe my egg donor has a direct pipe line to God and that her words=God’s words, I have no problem believing that I do NOT have to restore a relationship with an abuser to be pleasing to God. Wonderfully liberating concept.
It IS HOWEVER a continual battle to keep that bitterness out of my heart. It isn’t just a “one and done” thing because it CAN CREEP BACK if I allow it.
NO CONTACT helps to keep the bitterness out of my heart, but like lately when I have been working on Patrick’s parole protest, the “back door” contact has caused a emotional melt down, bitterness to creep back into my heart and pain. The wish that my egg donor would see the light and quit fighting me, quit putting my life in danger.
I work on the bitterness daily, but sometimes it gets the better of me.
As my screen name depicts…
I am about 2 years out of the “living situation” with the spath..and probably close to a year of NO CONTACT. I completely understand exactly what you say about it being a void, like it never happened…though knowing full well that it did. The reality is…it was NEVER what we thought it was or wished it to be…no matter how good it was in the beginning…NONE OF IT WAS REAL. It was a diabolically manifested brain-wash..and someone else robbing us of our right to choose. Had any of us KNOWN what we were getting into BEFOREHAND…I am sure that none of us would have gone there. We fall in love with who they make themselves out to be…however, the REAL them is poles away from the portrayal. So yeah…I get exactly what you are saying.
I remember once saying to him “There is NOTHING special about you if ANYONE can HAVE YOU.” This holds so true in my outlook today. And I DID prove to myself how resilient and resourceful, and independent I am when not under the influence of such darkness.
I’ve been single ever since, haven’t even dated anyone…and I am not the least bit interested at this stage of my healing. Right now, I am getting MYSELF right, so that I don’t inadvertently drag an innocent person into my unresolved issues OR even worse, invite the same fate into my life once again.
Have I forgiven him…I would say yes. I haven’t forgotten. BUT…I am still waiting for my front row seat to witness his Karma. It has nothing to do with revenge…it’s all about the justice.
It’s ironic how I came upon this article this am. I have been out of a relationship with my spath ex for over 8 years. I have been through years of custody battles in which the courts have taken the steps to protect the children, and he has not had visits in years. Actually the only time I see him is when we are in court. Like some posters have said, I find myself trying to anticipate his next crazy move or scheme. “Grey rock” and no contact have been my sanity saver. So…I have had an ongoing fight to get support for the children. It’s been less than two months since he took me to court to modify and the support has already stopped. I called the child support office and they offered that he had numerous aliases and social security numbers. My point is that after time passes, I think I have forgiven him, more for myself than for him, but then I learn something new about him that is corrupt. Learning he goes to great lengths to hide from paying support to the children makes me sick! I gave this man half of my adult life. Even without sharing visitation, he manages to torment me through the courts. I have been to court hearings 38 times since beginning divorce proceedings in 2004. He hasn’t contacted us since mid last year…until today, after i read this article on forgiveness. The text he sent caused my heart to beat hard and fast and I was afraid to read it. It’s like I was afraid he could see the reaction through my phone. The text was insignificant, I didn’t respond.
But i can’t help but wonder what he has up his sleeve, why he decided to contact me, today. Did he just leave the courthouse from filing on me again? Is he trying to get a reaction to his not paying the support? I get to where I forgive, then he reminds me that it’s not safe to.