If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
behind_blue_eyes
raggedy ann says:
“You connected across cultures inn New Yawk, right?
Same here. Unless you were in London. You mentioned NY anyway.”
Yes. I met him when he was on a vacation in New York with some friends. They all live in London but he is a flight attendant and typically was in New York 2-3 times a month.
Strangely, I did know of him before we met. He posted a video on Xtube that intrigued me — not because of it being erotic, as he does not have any porn star attributes. Rather, in that video he seemed so “normal” — like the nice quiet guy next door. So, I saved the video but did not make the connection until after he dumped me…
“My vampire didn’t suck emotion out of people. Sex/money/housing was what he constantly had to be setting up or maintaining his access to. And probably also variety. Others have a different opinion on this type, but I believe any draining of strength was just the byproduct of his going for those other things.
Yours sounds like something else like a different kind of vampire.”
Since I did not know him that long and he did not talk much of his past, I do not have much to go on. I probably learn as much about him from online profiles I came across as I did from his own words and actions toward me. Hence, to me he was an emotional vampire. However, that he alluded to once “knowing” somebody in New York with a background very similar to mine — Wall Street professional, makes me think that he may target guys with good jobs.
OTOH, he has one FB friend that is very young and on FB puts links to his various gay site profiles, where he openly solicits group sex, bareback sex and PNP — party and play, sex fueled by crystal methamphetamine.
That my x-spath would FB “friend” such a person is telling and is consistent with what you said. He worked me for the emotional lift I gave him, as I actually thought highly of him and told he some. I also facilitated a good lifestyle, as I took him to very nice places. At the same time, he works other for sex…
Funny, that little piece of counsel estate rubbish actually messaged me once on a gay dating site! I came very close to playing him for info on my x-spath, but I never did.
behind_blue_eyes
Tea Light;
We often focus on the negative aspects of the sociopath in our posts but all of them possess kernels of charm and other traits that hook us. Thus, when we learn how dark people can be, it is natural for normal people to be deeply disturbed.
Before I learned about Sociopath, I described my x-spath as a “lost soul” but nothing made sense to me, no amount of talking with friends, no amount of counseling helped until I found this site and learned about Sociopaths.
The down side is that in the process we really confront truths. The positive side is that it not only prevents use from falling back with the x-spath, it helps us avoid other sociopaths and other toxic people in the future.
We need the knowledge. While only say 5% of the general population meet the full diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder, many, many more are functionally so or otherwise toxic.
Tea Light
BBE an old joke for you and for Lou. With apologies to any Liverpudlians of the LF community. What do you call a Scouser in a suit? The accused. I laughed at council estate rubbish bbe although my grandparents lived on one for years. One of the last times I saw my grandmother before she died I asked nanna what ever happened to Mandy(a girl I befriended in visits during the holidays). My nanna replied ‘she went on the game. (ie, prostitution) Like her mother’. Poor Mandy. I never understood why we were forbidden to visit her house on the estate.
behind_blue_eyes
Tea Light;
That is a funny joke! I hope the “counsel estate rubbish” comment did not offend anyone but that person triggers me:
1) That anyone could be so incredibly desperate to put such links on Face Book and apparently be either stupid enough to think that people don’t look or, even more stupid to think that soliciting PNP sex is nothing to hide.
2) That I actually once thought highly of somebody who associates with said rubbish…
Tea Light
BBE glad you got to laugh at the ex. May he never bother you again. PNP is news to me. Though in my youth I shared a dilapidated squat in London with a gay friend. I lasted only two months, although paying no rent was marvellous at 20 it was freezing and had no hot water. This didn’t stop my friend deciding to hold wild parties for other gay men. They would go crazy. Some took poppers. My friend kept the little bottles in the freezer. It all got too much for me. I moved out when my friend brought an unknown man back one night. I assumed it was a date but the next day my friend told me he was renting himself out via the personal ads in a london gay free paper, Boyz it was called. Anyway I thought this is ridiculous we could be murdered so I left.
behind_blue_eyes
PNP now almost always means methamphetamine, although poppers go hand in hand with meth. For a variety of reasons, the combination greatly increases the chance of an HIV infection.
blossom4th
Tea Light,
It is so easy to become obsessed about socialpaths and want to do lots of research;but I know from personal experience that there are times when it’s best to ‘let it lie awhile’.I did some late night research one night because a specific question popped up in my head just as I was ready to go off to bed….. 🙁 needless to say that was a restless night! My counselor has given me the same advice about books that I check out from their library and read;”if ever the material is too intense,put the book down until you are able to pick it up and continue.”
Oxy,
To be honest,as good as it sounds,I wouldn’t want two homes.I hate moving and I need my friends ALL THE TIME not just half the year!So….guess I’m stuck with the climate just like everyone else!
Back_from_the_edge
It’s not mine to give spath: ‘forgiveness’.
Only the Greater Powers can do that.
“Forgiveness” is not mine to give and
that won’t ever happen. I will NEVER
forgive “IT” for the ugliness. It’s not
necessary for me to ‘forgive’ “IT” to
move on with my life…I don’t forgive
“IT” – never have and never will – and
that does NOT diminish the quality of
my life, not one iota.
As I told “IT”, last good bye (nearly 10 months ago now)
FOR THE SIXTH TIME: “Some things in this life are unforgivable
and the things you have done to me and your ex wife are
just that: UNFORGIVABLE. Good Bye. Go live with
your choices…LEAVE ME ALONE.”
The stalking still continues only much lessened…
Must have other things occupying “ITS” mind these days…
He needs to occupy himself MORE. It’s still not quiet enough
for ME….I have not spoken a PEEP to “IT” in ten months now
and that’s not changing, not ever again. Although my conscious
fights and argues with me, I tell it to shut up and go sit down…
I AM NOT BREAKING NC ANYMORE: for what? To be devoured
some more? NOT HAPPENING.
And, he can leave all the CREEPY THINGS on my door step,
all he wants to, soon – the next tenant might find them enjoyable.
It was ABUSE: all of it; physically and mentally,
as well as sexually and every other way you can think.
We all kept falling back in because we wanted to believe
that people CAN change. Not so with spaths/ppaths.
They NEVER change. They can’t. They don’t know how.
They are shallow and superficial – going BACK only opens
that door for the demons to come in and devour you more.
I saw a show on television, earlier today, where this woman
had been stalked for FIFTY YEARS! From the time she was
a young girl until she was older – by the same person…..
It stopped suddenly one day and she did a little research
and found out that he had died in prison a few years earlier.
He was writing to her constantly; calling on the phone; etc.
He had even started sneaking into her home and leaving lights
on, clothes strewn about – wow: just like “IT” leaving things on
my door step from time to time…
She went to the police and went to the police and this all started
with her, long before ‘stalking’ was ever considered a crime to
begin with. Just HORRID THINGS this monster put her through.
He had attempted to murder her every single time she gave in
to her conscience and let him back into her life.
If I hadn’t known better that the story wasn’t mine,
I would have thought it was.
I forgive myself for being blind enough to think that
“ITS” agenda was the same as mine – love. With spath/ppaths,
they don’t know the meaning of that word….
People seem to have a really HARD TIME accepting stalking.
I have been told, numerous times, by men, cops, women alike:
“You should be flattered that someone cares that much…”
THERE IS NOTHING ROMANTIC OR CARING ABOUT STALKING.
IT IS NOT FLATTERING and IT IS DANGEROUS DEALING WITH
A FULL BLOWN PSYCHOPATH THAT WOULD RATHER MURDER
YOU THAN LET YOU GO…
Almost all packed and sorted –
Will be relocating shortly now…
http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/resources/national-stalking-awareness-month
I pray for you all, all the time.
Dupey
Ox Drover
That kind of behavior isn’t limited to the gay community….I had a roommate once who turned out to be the same way…a different strange guy every night…that didn’t last long til I moved.
behind_blue_eyes
On a lighter subject, I actually like cold weather, particularly bright cold days. The reason is tied to the fact I suffer from both Winter and Summer SAD.
Winter SAD is far easier to treat. Bright light boxes are very effective, especially when combined with exercise. Cold helps me too. In fact, when my mood dips low, I find that cold exposure almost instantly lifts me mood. For example, I have been suffering all week from a cold. While I still used the lights, I got no exercise during the week; most of the time I was home, only going out for a bite to eat.
By Friday, my mood dipped. I forced myself out in the cold and went over to Grand Central Terminal for the 100 years celebration, walking outside as much as possible. In 30 minutes, I started to feel much better. In an hour, I was like a different person.
For me, slight changes in my metabolic rate seem to have a big impact on my mood. If it drops too low from being indoors and inactive, I become depressed. Thus, for me, while Winter SAD is primarily driven by low light, there is a secondary component to it linked to metabolic rate.
Summer SAD is different in the it stems from too much light triggering a mild hypomania. Most people experience this but don’t recognize it. Since Summer = hot, metabolic rate drops and I experience hypomania with depression. In 2009, 2010 and 2011, it was severe enough that I suffered the worst periods of my life — complete insomnia and major depression.
I could break the depression by staying in the dark and keeping the room cold. I did not fully understand the light part of it until this summer. By wearing blue spectrum blocking sunglasses during the day at all times, I avoided the worst of the hypomania.
While this sounds hokey, I strongly suggest anyone with any type of a mood disorder to even out their light exposure year round. In addition, a little bit of cold is a very good thing — keeps the metabolism up and the weight off!