If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Desert flower, if I may interject a bit of my perspective….
The Biblical story of “Joseph and the coat of many colors” gave me some insight into what I believe forgiveness is and what it is NOT.
Joseph’s brothers as you may recall sold him into slavery in Egypt and actually decades passed when he went from Slave and ten prisoner then to being #2 guy in the entire kingdom and is brothers show up in Egypt begging to buy grain during a horrible famine.
The Bible speaks about Joseph realizing prior to seeing his brothers that he ad essentially forgiven them, and that there was a big purpose in him being in Egypt….but when his brothers show up, even though he was no longer BITTER toward them he did NOT REVEAL himself to them. Instead he had them accused of thefts they did not commit….and when I was a kid I wondered why if Joseph was such a godly man he would take such revenge on his brothers….only as an adult did I realize he was TESTING his brothers to see what kind of men they had become in the decades since he had last seen them. Were they still the mean selfish men that had made their father think him dead and eaten by wild beasts? Or had they developed some remorse.
Over the course of a year or two he kept testing his brothers until he saw that they had repented, that they now would sacrifice their own freedom to protect their father from more grief by losing his last son Benjamin (Joseph’s only full brother)
THEN and only then did Joseph reveal himself to his brothers. He saw that they had changed. So, what I got out of this is that forgiveness has nothing to do with restoring TRUST or association with someone.
It is difficult when we can’t have full NO CONTACT because we get wounded again, but it helps to have as little to do with them as possible. Keep working at it. The nirvana of indifference is the goal, but it is hard to reach and maintain.
I remember a politician invoking the example of John Paul II — I think it was during the Clinton Impeachment proceedings (?). JPII forgave the man who shot him, and then left the guy in prison and didn’t dispute that he belongs there.
I can forgive anyone for being a loser or defective or troubled, but absolution for choices or damage done is a different matter. Many factors: has the harm been fixed? Has the person stopped doing the harm? Has he or she acknowledged they did something wrong? Are they laughing all the way to the bank or living in humbled circumstances now? All of this affects my reaction to them.
I also believe it’s possible to fail to forgive, or fail to absolve, without “dwelling”. I may decide I was mistaken about that someday, though.
fightingtoforgive:
You said it all perfectly. Especially when you told him that he wasn’t special if anyone could have him. Reminds me that I told spath that not anyone could have me…that I hadn’t given myself to anyone the way I had him…there were many things I did with him that I hadn’t done with anyone else. I threw my pearls before swine. If nothing else though, he does realize this because I made sure he knew it. He never made amends about it, but at least I made it known.
I haven’t dated at all either and it’s been three years and for the exact reasons you said. It’s like you were reading my mind when you posted this today…thank you.
Oxy….I just have to tell you…..you are my hero!! You have more insight into these people than ANYONE !!! God certainly has blessed you with a gift. The words you choose, the wisdom in those words, and the love that comes through is such a blessing to so many of us here. Your term of “the nirvana of indifference” and explaining to us the difference in forgiveness and reconciliation has touched me so deeply. I tortured myself for decades as a Christian thinking I should forgive and embrace every human being no matter what..but the way you explain it with the story of Joseph and in your own personal journey…it was like handing me a gift. I know I am a good person on the inside and I really did try with my 2 Spath daughters, but I had to let them go. I don’t do anything harmful to them and I really do hope they can find happiness. For decades I blamed myself for all their self inflicted miseries. I don’t want to ramble here, just to say to you….Thank you friend…I felt like Jesus was speaking to me through you …telling me “it’s o.k.I know your heart”. I am so sorry you are having old bitter feelings come up in your own situation. My hope is that this will be resolved for you soon and you will find peace. I cannot imagine the things you have faced in your life……hugs….!!!
Fightingtoforgive, really appreciate your post above! What you said is exactly how i feel, and have felt for over two years. The spath hasbeen gone for over 3 month now, but dont know if i can ever reconcile what happened to me, to forgiveness. He is gone, but his “residue” is still in my head!!!!!!!! Im working on not becoming angrier, and bitter, some days are worse than others. Some days are ok, but just working on trying to regain some sense of normalcy? Dont recall what that feels like anymore. Guess we just have to take each day as it comes. Again, appreciate your post! Best wishes to all!
To a certain degree, i suppose it would be easier for me to “forgive” the spath if there were a legit “reason” for his behavior. Drug addiction, alcohol, chemical imbalance, you name it. But this dirt-bag, pisa shit, vermin sucking, maggot bottom-feeder, that would cut anybodys throat to get what he wants…knew exactly WTF he was doing; and he did it wearing a suit, and carrying a Bible. Yeah, he even pimped out God. Gna be a looooooog time, if i ever reconcile that………
Creampuff,
Your words of sweetness make my heart joyful, and to feel like I have made someone else’s journey a bit easier gives me ease.
I am truly not anyone’s Christian example, I fall so far short of what I know I want to be….but I think of King David who was quite a sinful man,, a murderer in fact, and yet he was referred to as “a man after God’s own heart”—not because he was GOOD, because he was FAR from good, but when his sins were pointed out to him, HE REPENTED AND TRIED TO DO BETTER….King Saul on the other hand was more like a psychopath, when his sins were pointed out, he tried to get around acknowledging them, and in fact, got worse.
Reconciliation is NOT the same as forgiveness in my way of thinking. The Apostle paul in fact said “If thy brother offend thee, go to him privately and if that doesn’t work, take witnesses, and if that doesn’t work, go to the church (community) and if that doesn’t work, to TREAT THEM AS A HEATHEN, not even to eat with them.” (paraphrased)
NOW if that does not describe NC I do not know what does. NOT EVEN TO EAT WITH THEM. Shun them in other words.
It used to be in churches here in the South at least and I imagine in other places too, if a person “openly” lived a sinful life the churches brought them up on charges so to speak, or even tossed them out or “shunned” them. Some few denominations do today. While I know that “shunning” can be used as abuse, and especially by psychopaths, it also amounts to NC.
After my small congregation of “Christians” turned their collective backs on me when my son and his pedophile buddy were trying to kill me, I ended up “disfellowshiping” the entire congregation. I will not have anything to do with any of them to this day. They CHOSE the Trojan Horse and my egg donor over me, and most of them had known me for my entire life. I can forgive them but not reconcile with them because they have shown no remorse.
I thank you Creampuff for your vote of confidence. You’ve got a “hard row to hoe” with your husband’s passive aggressive and mean behavior toward you. Living in a WAR ZONE is a horrible spot to be in and I know it is not easy.
Your going NC with your daughter and step daughter was the only course open to you and still emotionally survive. God bless. (((hugs))) and my prayers.
Radar_On, I don’t know if this will be of any help, or not, but I’m going to type it in the event that it does.
You mentioned that it might be an easier goal to get to the point of “forgiveness” if there were some explanation, and you gave a good list of examples. First, let’s consider a new or altered term to refer to this process because “forgiveness” has a very “Divine Mandate” attached where most people are concerned. I don’t know about you, but my system of beliefs have been proven to be false, and I’ll just use this term: Forward Momentum.
The explanation for Forward Momentum is that sociopathy is a part of the Human Condition. It has always existed, and it always will. “It is what it is.” Sometimes, the “need” for explanations becomes an obsession, and this is very true in my situation. I finally came to the ugly, cold, hard fact that sociopaths simply “ARE.” They are what they are, they do what they do, and all of the research, all of the publications, all of the data, and all of the rhetoric will never, ever ALTER this fact.
My emotional self wants (and, demanded) answers. Well, that emotional self is a whining, kicking, screaming child that cannot always have what she wants. The pragmatic self is the grown-up that has learned how to separate the emotions from the facts. The facts aren’t always pleasant, easy, simple, or kind, but they ARE always indisputable.
So……Forward Momentum. And, I’m looking at making some FM for my own recovery, too. It’s coming – I can smell it in the air just like you can smell rain coming. It’s out there, and I’m feeling the tingle of recovery the closer it gets.
Brightest and most encouraging blessings
OxD…..”the nirvana of indifference” I am going to write that on a piece of paper and put it on the fridge.
In fact, that’s going to be an added mantra for me. “Nirvana of Indifference.” Yes….it sounds incredible.
Brightest blessings
Thank you, Tspeak for your input. Appreciate it, as well as all the good posts. We are all in different stages of recovering, and i know many things (wounds) are still fresh right now. I seem to be bouncing back and forth in the Stages of grief…especially the anger. Again, thank you. Need to go to the library to print off some of articles and posts. I only have my phone now, but i do get to read the articles! Best wishes to you!