If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Louise, great to see you, hope you had a good journey and things are going well with your mom! Today I had a bit (ok a major) wobble because I filled in my request for a repeat prescription of a months worth of citalopram(my SSRI AD med) and 14 2mg tablets of diazepam (valium). My usual doctor has been very supportive and understands I am using the diazepam responsibly, a maximum of 14 a month. 2mg is a very low dose and he is confident I won’t develop physical dependency and we’ve talked about my use of diazepam being simply a short term measure till my trauma symptoms (waking in the night, muscle pain, intense anxiety returning to teach) have eased. The citalopram and counseling seems to be working as I don’t cry all the time and can make light of things now at times. But when I went to pick up my prescription another doctor had processed it and only given me 8 2mg of diazepam and I got very upset on the street, felt very panicky and it’s because I fear I won’t be able to cope without diazepam. The citalopram does NOT take the panic away, it levels out the depression so I can actually get up, dress, eat, get to work. But without the diazepam I am often a trembling weepy vulnerable mess. I cannot work without them and am scared they won’t give me anymore. That’s me today. x
Oxy, I like Ronson’s dry humour so I’m enjoying it , I think Bob Hare’s observation that many of those he trains are on their phones or yawning is scary, clearly in the wrong hands the checklist can be misused / abused. x
Tea Light,
What you are describing sounds to me like a “panic attack” where the body responds to what it perceives like a snake had been thrown in your lap, the “fight or flight” syndrome…heart races, etc. you know what I am talking about…but you CAN control these attacks without the medication (Yea, I know it helps) first, when it happens, STOP and say “I am having a panic attack, and my body is responding like I am in grave danger, but I am NOT in grave danger.” Then breathe in and out, slowly and count your breaths, each one in is a number, one, two etc. and the out breath is an “and” so you would count One, and, two and and so on up to four then start over. FOCUS on feeling those breaths in and out. If you are where you can, RUN!!! as activity helps burn off the hormones that are causing the unnerving feelings. It will pass. Recognizing what it is, and not letting it actually SCARE you that you are going to lose control, you can hold on until it passes. Don’t be frightened about the fewer pills. ((((Hugs))))
But Oxy it’s worse than a panic attack, it’s like a pervasive feeling of dread and fear, that I’m not safe on the street, that I’ll start crying in front of my students, that the abuser has destroyed my health, my ability to love a man, all sorts of overwhelming stuff . That’s why the diazepam is useful it turns down the volume of that intense dread which paralyses me, it takes me 3,4 hours to leave the apartment when I’m like that, I only feel safe at home. Thanks for the hugs Oxy I don’t want to be substance dependant but I’m only day 13 of NC part 2 it’s very tough. You know how it is. x
Tea Light,
I understand about anxiety and panic attacks and having trouble sleeping.When my panic attacks got so bad that I started losing my breath,I knew it was time to see my Dr.(This was before I left my husband) She prescribed Cymbalta-not only for the anxiety,panic and depression,but it helps minimize the fibro pain.All good.
Until Jan 1st.That is when my insurance was dropped.With my limited income,I decided that the only prescription I would have refilled would be my seizure med.With the discount card I got from the DV shelter,I still had to pay almost $92!I still had some Cymbalta at the time.It’s been atleast 2wks though since I’ve had any.Today,I went to the town trustee for assistance.I got the needed assistance with the seizure med-but I couldn’t believe the difference in what my pharmacy was charging for it and what another pharmacy just down the street was charging-too much I tellya!As for the Cymbalta,arrangements have been made for me to pick up samples at the Dr’s office.Next month I’ll be insured.
Oh, Tea Light, I’m sorry you are so in the thick of it still… NC is your third medication, and you need to give it some time, which perhaps is your fourth.
You have me remembering… My doc tripled my SSRI when I had my worst stuff happen. I couldn’t dial my cell phone with both hands, so I had to put it on a counter or table and use one hand. (tremor being side effect) I would bump into people I knew and start crying despite myself. But that was brief.
Are you drinking alcohol of any kind? You must not. On top of interaction with those meds, alcohol withdrawal can produce those same feelings of dread you speak of. Even just the morning after a drink or two.
I find that B-Complex supplements helped when I was experiencing similar things to you. Can you get a nice massage somewhere?
Stay NC!!!
Tealight,
I try to avoid Rx meds and so I use Wild Jujube Extract. It works for me and it’s cheap here in the states.
Thank you lovely people. Sky I don’t know what Rx is? Is that anti depressants? I was wary but I was suicidal before Christmas and the citalopram has definately improved and levelled my mood, which was like being in a total immersion tank of utter misery day after day. Raggedy I’ve had one glass of red wine since my breakdown (november) and nothing since the meds (december). I don’t tremor thank God, I get severe lethargy in the afternoon and was very ‘foggy’ but that’s lifting. It’s the damn anxiety that won’t go away. Blossom how have you coped in the last weeks when the anxiety med ran out? Very very glad you can access samples and more via insurance soon if it works well for you, very reassuring to know I’m not the only one with this problem. Peace and love all and thank you xx
Tealight,
Rx means “prescription”. It think it’s Latin.
Like you, I also have been feeling anxiety recently. I stayed calm and focused on my body, trying to figure out WHERE I was feeling the anxiety. I realized that, of course, it’s in my gut. So I tried changing what I’d been eating. I focused on fish and fish broth (cod) for one day, with very little else. I noticed that I felt better. Then the next day, I ate a WHOLE pizza. I slept like a baby that night! It was the carbs.
But the next day I felt a little more anxious and my blood sugar was up and down all day.
So I’m back on broth – chicken soup, mostly.
I think that my digestive problems started from indulging in a LOT of spicy food for several weeks. I love salsa with jalepenos, and I love dark chocolate.
Sometimes our guts just need a rest.
Yeah, Skylar, I have home-made chicken noodle thawing on the counter as I type. Woke up this AM with chest congestion and coughing. Now I’m achey, and my nose is running.
I have been making a variety of soups on my days off, eating a bowl or two, and freezing the rest. It’s nice to have it on hand when I’m sick, or broke, or, tired and hungry…..so, chicken noodle it is, and a dose of decongestants. I have two days off now, so will rest and try to get better.