If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Sky, a lot of it is located in my stomach so yes probably need to get myself off the three cheese risotto and danish pastry diet I’ve been comfort eating plus have lost loads of weight so want to put on some so I feel stronger. A lot of it is my heart though, palpitations, arhythmia. But I have a cardiologist appointment on Monday. GWS Kim!
Hi Tea Light ~
Just couldn’t keep my two cents to myself here. I had many of your symptoms, panic like attacks, weight loss, heart palpitations – it was an over active thyroid.
Have you had blood work to check out your thyroid?
Hope you get to feeling better very soon.
(((Milo)))
TeaLight, I identify with what you’re experiencing and I’m sorry to read that you’re suffering. It was so bad, at one point, that I became terrified to just leave my home. And, I mean it was a crippling fear. I would become panicked in a grocery store, at a bank, in the car, and just sitting there. It was a whole-body experience, complete with palpiations, breathing issues, and racing/obsessive thoughts.
My counselor taught me a technique that I STILL practice that she called, “Staying In The Now.” When she first suggested this to me, I honestly believed that she simply wanted me to shut up and get out of her office – it sounded like 100% New Age Hocus Pocus, and I didn’t believe that it was a true management technique. But, I gave it a try, and ended up practicing it, sometimes as often as every 3 mintues. And, in a couple of days, it really worked. It goes like this:
* Control breathing – slow it down and count to “3” as you inhale and, again count to “3” as you exhale
* Tell yourself, aloud if it helps, where you are, physically “I’m in the grocer and standing in the produce section”
* Tell yourself where your hands are, what they are touching, whether it’s textured or not, if it’s cool or warm
* Tell yourself where your feet are – on a level surface, pebbles/gravel, tarmac, wherever
* Tell yourself what you can visually see – a child on a swing, a cat in a window, someone walking a dog (and, the dog breed), etc.
* Tell yourself what you can smell – is there an aroma of coffee or tea? “I’m walking past a garbage bin, and I can smell this.” Etc.
* Tell yourself about your immediate weather conditions – if you are indoors, tell yourself about the heating or cooling, outside the temperature/wind/rain/sunshine, etc. and which direction the wind or breeze is coming from
* Tell yourself what the wind, breeze, rain, snow, or sunshine feels like on your face and what side of your face is feeling this
And, so on. This excercise does MANY things, I promise. The first thing that it does is to nullify racing and/or obsessive thoughts – I tended to predict testimony, events, outcomes, etc., and these obsessive thoughts would spiral into full-blown anxiety. Next, it brings us back into the PRESENT – what we are experiencing in the present. It also gives our minds a strict set of observations to take. If we practice this, diligently, it disallows the racing/obsessive thoughts because we can’t focus on a zillion things at the same time.
It may sound like a bogus load of crap – it sure did to me! – but, I assure you that it works beautifully, the more it’s practiced. And, I practiced this as often as I needed to, TeaLight, sometimes up to every 3 minutes because the anxiety level was that far out of control.
Brightest blessings
MiLo, good to “see” you and you’ve made a good point: when labwork is done, it very well could be a medical issue. If everything is within “normal” results, then it’s another matter. VERY good point!
Brightest blessings
Milo, thank you, I had tests for thyroid overactivity about 5 years ago and they came back negative, but there is no harm in having another test, you’re right.
Truthy, the technique is very grounding from the way you describe it, I’m going to use it. I don’t want to become psychologically dependant on diazepam, and my doctor is responsible, and told me that he and his partners at the surgery can’t risk legal action from patients who become dependent on tranquillisers as a result of lax prescribing. Yesterday was very hairy, but I have counseling today and am going to avoid heavy carb meals as Skylar siuggested, they don’t help with the sluggishness.
Peace and love all x
TeaLight, yes – it’s a “whole-self” recovery, and it’s vital that you take each facet, one-at-a-time, and approach it rather than stare at the whole gem lest your eyes tell your brain that it’s too much to cover.
You’re doing just fine, TeaLight. It’s a long, slow, and demanding process, and you’re doing fine!
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: TeaLight, if you have a session, today, ask your counselor to give you some techniques for managing anxiety. Talk about this with him/her and how this is affecting you. Counselors often ask good, hard questions, but it’s not always a “given.” That’s when taking control of our own recovery comes into play – we have to start asking THEM the “hard” questions. 😀
Tea Light:
Oh, so sorry to hear you are feeling badly. I am also sorry I haven’t been here sooner.
I don’t have a whole lot of advice as I only know how I felt for so long and I didn’t take drugs. I would feel like I wanted to “jump out of my own skin.” I cried more than I ever cried in my life…more than I cried when I got divorced or when my dad died…imagine that? Some Scousepath affected me more than anything…what a waste. I really don’t know how I dealed with it. I think I just walked around zombie like and sad. At night it was absolutely horrible. I guess while I was still working there, I had that to keep me going as I had to get up every morning and go, but after I quit, it was really, really tough. I am ashamed to admit it, but it will be three years in August that I have been gone and it is just been recently that I feel like I have decompressed and moved on from that job. So it took 2 1/2 years. UGGHH. I was there for 12 years though and the job was pretty stressful even without him so it took a long time to get past it. Plus, I lost some co workers and friends there so it also took time to get past that. Like I said, not sure how I did it although I will say that I exercise a lot and without that, I think I wouldn’t have made it. If you could fit some exercise into your day, you would be amazed how much that would help…I promise! It burns off all that anxiety. I think I would have died without it.
Ooops, gotta go…my brother needs the wi-fi…keep your head up…HUGS x
Hi Louise! Bless you for taking time out from your family responsibilities to check in, hope you are managing there and getting some time for yourself, I know from two friends with elderly parents that caring for someone with dementia can be very demanding, and quite upsetting in the later stages. Thinking of you! Counseling went well today, I’m moving my appointment time back an hour so I can start a meditation class next Thursday, so Thurs afternoon will be an hour counseling followed by an hour in this class. Its two forms of meditation, ‘the mindfulness of breathing’ and something called Metta Bhavana (‘the development of loving kindness’). It can’t hurt, can it, so I’ll give it a whirl. My counselor told me about a writer on Christian meditation, John Maine, so I’ll look into his writing too. Take care Lou, miss you! x
Tealight, I had quit meditating and I have gone back to it and in only a few days, a few hours I am doing so much better. There is scientifiic proof that meditation helps both the brain and the body, and it is not complex at all. Good for you.
Louiise, take time for yourself, dear one, and don’t let your brothers put a guilt trip on you. (((ugs)))
I know I would never have survived the spath experience had it not been for my relationship with God,prayer,Bible study & meditation.
For years,I refused antidepressant medication.The way I was first introduced to it was because of the way it can also be used as a treatment for Fibromyalgia pain.Even then,I only took it intermittedly.But after YEARS of life with a spath (look what a short time did to Katherine;new story posted)-when I suffered a meltdown in a grocery store at the checkout;when the anxiety attacks were so bad that I would lose my breath,I had to make a choice for survival.
Tea Light,
I finally got the samples of Cymbalta today.But before I got them,the only thing I could do was to breathe deeply and slower through the anxiety attacks.I felt more nervous during the day;more restless at night.Though I’ve never been diagnosed as PTSD,it wouldn’t surprise me.As for the thyroid testing;that is a good idea.I keep bringing that up-so far levels are within normal range.