If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Blossom4th, I ordered some guided meditation CDs and a book, I’m having some difficulty focusing and tonight I did the CD and it was very helpful and helped keep me focused. For years I routinely meditated but had stopped and am getting back “on the wagon” so to speak. I’ve been doing it on my own until the meditation CDs came in the mail today.
Prayer is a form of meditation and there are many other “forms” of meditation, and for each person they can pick what fits their personality. fMRIs and other research shows that meditation in any form actually CHANGES the brain physically and chemically.
PTSD also changes the brain physically and chemically, so hopefully meditation will help put it into a better “frame of mind.”
Tea Light:
Sorry I had to leave so abruptly earlier. I have to use my brother’s portable wi fi when I am here and he came into my mom’s house asking for it so I had to give it to him. He’s pretty demanding. Yes, it is very challenging dealing with a parent with dementia or Alzheimer’s. Like I said earlier, she wants to come and live with me, but I can’t do that without her visiting first to see if she is even comfortable there. So after a month of telling everyone she was coming to live with me (when it’s only supposed to be a visit), I come home and now she is saying she doesn’t want to go back to my house with me. I am totally OK with that as I feel it is not the best thing for her to do anyway, but at least I tried. Frustrating.
I am glad to hear counseling went well for you today. I will have to look up John Maine.
I am doing surprisingly better. Today is Thursday though and on Thursdays of course I always think about Scousepath going out to drink after work with his minions. It’s amazing to me that when I saw him about six months ago going into a bar on a Thursday that I realized that it was four years later (as he started going out in 2008 way before he started pursuing me) and he was still engaging in the same old routine. It really did confirm that some things never change especially when one is an alcoholic. If that behavior hasn’t changed, why should I think his philandering ways have changed? I highly doubt they have. I just don’t know about it now. He may be sticking to just one girlfriend now though instead of multiples.
You take care also…miss you, too…look forward to hearing from you tomorrow! I hope you are feeling better! x
Oxy:
Thanks so much. Thanks for understanding what it’s like to be in this situation. I greatly appreciate it! 🙂
Louise,
maybe the distraction with your mom has given you a break from thinking about the scousespath?
I hope though, that she decides not to come live with you. You need time to heal, not distractions that cause more stress.
skylar:
It is possible the distraction with my mom is helping me to not think so much about Scousepath, but I have had these distractions with my mom for years now. I think I am just coming along in my journey of healing and things are getting easier. I still have rough patches of course from time to time. I truly think a lot has to do with all the bonding chemicals that are pretty much out of me now. It’s been a long, long time since I actually sat down and talked to him (and kissed him)…2 1/2 years…and it’s been six months now with absolute No Contact at all and even that contact was only texting when I was trying to get closure. So it’s all but over now. The letting go in itself is hard. I have asked myself why was I even put in this position to even HAVE to let go?? It all seems so unfair and wrong, but I learned so much…so many lessons, so that is where my mind keeps going back to every time I question why this happened. I think I will always have some bitterness as to why I had to feel so devastated and he was able to move along like nothing happened…that’s the really hard part for me. The discard. It really hurts one’s self esteem as we all know. No matter what I did, it wasn’t right or it wasn’t enough.
I do agree. I don’t want her to come live with me as I KNOW it is not the best thing for her or for me. Then I feel guilty as I feel like I am being very selfish, but it’s really not in either of our best interests. I am always going somewhere and she wouldn’t like that and I can’t take her everywhere with me and even if I could, she wouldn’t want to go so it would end up being miserable for both of us. I think she needs to stay here in her own environment even though she doesn’t like it here either…she really doesn’t like anything. I am leaving in the morning for a seven hour drive so I better get to sleep.
PS: I also think that in my healing, I can become very aggravated, frustrated, etc. It’s the residual anger I feel and I realize it comes out sometimes when I am dealing with my mom. It’s so unfair to her and it has gotten waaayyyy better, but still, you are right…I still need more time to heal 100%.
Louise,
Take comfort in the fact that no matter how you struggled with your feelings,you were prepared to take care of your mom.I took care of my FIL briefly while with the spath.Caregiving for the elderly can be rewarding;but also very difficult….esp when you’re already struggling with the issues that we’re coping with!Take care of yourself!
Louise, very glad to hear you’re doing well, that’s great. I didn’t realise you’ve only been NC for 6 months, it’s not at all suprising therefore that you need to take each day as it comes. The past few months have been a blur for me. I don’t ever remember time collapsing / days blurring into one another as they have. The trauma affects how we experience time, I’m sure.
From what you desribe, your mom and you and both better placed in each other’s homes at least for now; if your brother lives very near her, is living with him an option for her, if assisted daily living is or becomes a necessity?
I know ALL about the aggravation and bursts of extreme annoyance. They come out of the blue with me. Not very often, but when they hit I realise how badly I am suppressing anger. Then it leaks out over stupid petty frustations. Like the post office losing a parcel for me in their depot. It felt like they’d committed some grevious crime againist me! Lol. I had to sit myself down and say for God’s sake, its just a parcel with some shoes for work, you can get compensation if it doesn’t turn up.
The man’s name my counselor recommended is John Main, rather than Maine as in…the state 🙂
http://www.wccm.org/content/john-main
I’ve not yet had a chance to look into it in any depth but it seems very benign and possibly very useful. I like the idea of having a break from myself. Switching off from the hypervigilance and ruminating. I’m worryingly focused on the abuser these past couple of days and feeling very anxious and tense because the plan was for me to spend next week with him on holiday ( the plan was made ages ago, lovebombing was at its peak as he was trying to lure me to holiday apartments, which worked.) He was going to drive me to a new museum I really want to visit, and so on. I feel pathetic, truly pathetic, because I felt upset the other day that some part of me had really wanted that to be true, to spend Valentine’s Day that way. But it was all just blah blah blah, to get me where he wanted. Alone, isolated, my guard down, dependant, unable to defend myself.
So I’m getting very tense at adverts with representations of lovey dovey couples in restaurants etc. Better stay away form the TV for a few days. Or else buy myself some flowers or something!
Hope that 7 hour journey went without any hitches Lou, take care and will check in later to see if you’ve updated. x
blossom4th:
Thank you!!
Tea Light:
Yeah, it’s only been six months this time, but before that, it was a full seven months. Now it will be forever…I will never contact him again and I am sure on some level, he has wondered what happened to me. He can wonder all he wants. Trauma does affect time…I have also lost many months…I have even lost years…haha. Not good, but I have. Sometimes when I think it’s been three years, I think WHAT? I know it’s been because I have been in a fog.
Yes! Same with me…the anger comes out of nowhere. I hate it, but it is what it is. I don’t fight it anymore as much as I used to. If I’m mad, I’m mad…haha.
Well, the issue of my brother is a joke. He lives very close by, but he doesn’t help at all. It’s very sad. He would probably let my mom here to rot. It’s awful. I also have another brother who lives only about 10 minutes away and he also doesn’t really want anything to do with her. His wife even called me yesterday and was so upset over the way he treats our mom. No one knows what I put up with in this family. Skylar…if you are reading this, this is part of the dysfunctional family I was talking about. There’s much more.
I can’t wait to check out John Main. Thank you for the link!
Oh, Tea Light…I am so sorry you are struggling with Valentine’s Day. I hate it. It’s hard because Christmas is hard for me and then just around the corner is Valentine’s Day…no fun when you don’t have a partner. I am so sorry he promised you all these things and trust me…I know what it’s like to still look forward to these things. Scousepath asked me to go to an NFL (Football) game with him and I couldn’t believe it!!! I was sooooo happy and excited and in reality, I am SURE he NEVER had any intentions of taking me. What cruel tactics. I have asked myself over and over…WHY? Why do those things? This was 2 1/2 years ago he asked me this so it’s been a long time so I no longer think much about that particular scenario, but for a long time, I questioned WTF? It was just one more thing to keep me on the line and on the line for what? It wasn’t sex. That stopped a long time ago when I was still at work. I can only think it was to keep on my good side so I wouldn’t report him and that hurts. I HATE all these adverts for Valentine’s Day…it’s EVERYWHERE. We can’t escape it, but I just try not to listen. I can’t wait until February 15 and it will be over!!
I am still at my mom’s. I will be starting on my journey in about an hour. I may have to watch for slick roads…I hope not. Wish me luck! Thank you! x
Good luck on the road Lou!! Huh, so he kept asking you out after the discard? I swear these people can’t live without intrigue, without deceiving and scheming. It must be the ultimate thrill, the ultimate power trip for them, to have two or more ‘relationships’ at once and to abuse trust and loyalty. They are sick, and pitiful, and stomach turning.
The post office has just told me that the woman who lives in the apartment upstairs from me collected and signed for my missing parcel?! They showed me electronic proof of her signature and name. This was on Monday. So she has stolen my parcel! I’m such a scaredy cat I’m worried about confronting her even with the documented proof. Who the hell behaves like that?!
Your family sounds challenging….
Safe journey Lou! x