If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Louise, for what it is worth, she won’t remember when you have been there or not so just speak to her in the NOW and realize that whatever she is talking about she won’t remember an hour later.
I used to go visit my aunt and uncle who were 99 and 100 and totally out to “lunch” and Ii could get them to know who I was but they did not remember that my grandparents had been dead 20 years, so they wanted to know how they were and I said “fine” (no sense in giving them bad news, because 10 minutes later they’d ask again “how are they?” and I’d say fine) so just speak about things that are in the NOW or ask about what she wants for supper or how her cat is….don’t worry about bad news and if she wants to come visit you say “Next Month, mom” and just keep going on with the “Next week, next month”
Louise,
I’m so sorry you are going through dementia with your mother. It is such a cruel disease!
One of my clients has dementia.
I’ve known them since they moved into town 20 years ago. He was a corp. exec with a brilliant business mind.
I have been back onboard over a year now and have seen his downhill swing.
Not being ’emotionally’ involved, such as you are, it’s easier for me to try to keep a balance with my relationship with them both. (husband and wife).
I pop over, bring him a green smoothie, get some stuff done around the house and try daily to make him smile and laugh……even if it’s just for a moment.
I see his kids and eldest grandson pull away from him because they don’t know what to say to him or how to act around him.
I see his wife trying to make sense out of what comes out of his mouth.
NONE of it makes sense.
His wife asked me how I communicate with him. I tell her, I stick with the ‘last’ thing I was talking about with him, and when he answers in martian language, I stick with the last topic we were speaking about.
I don’t ever tell him that I don’t understand what he’s asking.
I try to relate what he’s saying…..but rarely does it make sense to me……so I stick with what I believe our conversation was and that direction.
Today, he was a pickle. Just hilarious. I told him that he might want to watch getting ornery with me, that’ll only buy him trouble. He tries to respond to my razzing him, but he get’s sidetracked by his own laughing.
His grandson told me he wished he could talk business with his grandfather. I told him to continue to do that, but don’t expect the same answers that he previously recieved. just to keep talking to him, regardless of the sense he makes.
I see how difficult it is for his wife. He SOOOOO depends on her. He is so aware of her and her location in the house at all times. when she leaves for a bit, he watches his clock.
I tell him over and over and over and over……she’ll be home in xx hours/minutes. I go through the countdown all day with him as I try to keep him engaged in something/anything.
He’s hard to engage.
At sunset, I always take him over to the window and we talk about how beautiful the colors are. I can keep him engaged in that for about 20 minutes.
Often we look out at the lake and I talk about the birds outside or the waves and the weather. He talks about the men on the pier stealing the wood. (nobody’s on the pier btw….). I ask him about what he sees. Sometimes he asks me if I see them. I say, no not today. I think all is fine out there. I take him on the beach and we look for flat rocks and make ‘hamburger stacks’ on the pier pilons. I see how big we can stack the rocks before they tumble down. We’ve got stacks of rocks on 10 of the pilons…… 🙂
Sometimes I have him pick up stuff in the yard, (to get him to bend and move)….and I hold a bag and try to keep him focused. Sometimes he’ll look at me and ask where the ‘grabber’ is. I tell him he’s being lazy!!! Sometimes he’ll ask me why he’s paying ME and HE’s got to do the work! That’s when I tell him he’s getting sassy with me and raz him.
He cracks me up really, and I love to hear him laugh and think of his comebacks towards me. I just crack up loudly and he laughs more!!!
I got him the memory game for kids at Christmas. He always eats in the same place. He reads through the paper at that table also. Often, I leave 3 random family photos on that table. And change them every few days. When I see him go into that room, he always picks up the frames and I wander in and ask ‘who’ it is in the photos.
I also set up 1/2 of the memory game with the pictures face up for him to match up.
Sometimes he looks at me and says…..I don’t pay you to play games, don’t you have anything else to do!?!?!
He cracks me up.
He has no idea I am there for HIM, along with helping his wife get through the day……..but when he is cognisnt enough to realize things, he doens’t like me babysitting him. Other times, he will let me watch tv or discuss the news with him. (on his level).
I just want to keep his mind engaged.
His wife hides out in her office all day.
He wanders around the house….doing laps from one room to another.
He’s hiding things now in safe places. We’ve often lost tv remotes, her rings, his hearing aides, watches. I find them in the oddest places.
He goes around collecting ALL of the reading glasses throughout the house and puts them in the dirty clothes hamper.
At this point, we generally know where to look. And I keep an eye out on him and watch for new places/drawers he starts to explore.
You are not being selfish to know your own boundaries and what your mother requires. I try to ease my clients mind on this also.
When you live in the home with a dementia patient, it’s 24 hours…..and a new experience every minute.
You give up your life for them.
It’s OK to admit you just can’t do this.
He is starting to lift up couch cushions/chair cushions and peeing under them (as if they are the toilet seat he’s lifting up) and he puts them back down and carries on not knowing what he’s done or being any the wiser. He does it when he visits her sisters house too. (UGH!)
Yesterday he had pooped all over their bedroom and smeared it and walk it all over the house. The wife was so embarrassed and rushed to clean it up before I got there.
She was frazzled when I walked in.
I encouraged her to go do a workout and then iron scarves. An hour of ironing her scarves and she was in a much better place.
She told me how scared she was that he’s doing this and how she doesn’t know how long she can do this.
I just encouraged her and offered temporary solutions that we can try.
(Like depends).
She is trying to keep a ‘normal’ social life…..yet she’s got embarrasment issues.
I was frank with her (as I can be) and told her, “look, it’s not a secret that he’s got dementia’……..let others deal with it as they may and YOU don’t have to manage that part of life.
People will pull away, naturally. Let the natural culling of the friends and family begin and just expect it.
Yet, she still try’s to protect his ‘dignity’ and protect him from being embarrassed.
I explained, he’s not embarrassed, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
That part is simple.
So you don’t have to ‘own’ their doings. People get it.
It’s a rough, rough road. If you have ANY other alternatives, explore them.
The thing about a home designed for dementia patents is they keep them busy and occupied and cared for.
Even if it’s a daycare home.
Something that a family member just can’t do on their own.
You need to protect your own health and wellbeing, along with nurturing your healing from the spath. You can still be there for your mom, but you dont have to be the one to be a full time caregiver.
GIRL….your plate is full!
Big XXOO to you Louise!!!
EB
Oxy,truthy,sky, I am FUMING! I now have my parcel. Last night I wrote a note to this woman and clipped to it a print out of the electronic proof that she had signed for my (barcoded, trackable, specified signature required on delivery) parcel – which was scanned by the PO depot guy when she signed. The PO was in error , they think she turned up to collect a parcel of her own, and in haste the guy gave her my parcel as well, without reading my name on the address label. HOWEVER. The note was to the point, “here is the documentation that shows you have had my parcel since Monday please leave it in the hall”. It’s early morning here, I get up and my parcel is there.She has tried to justify her action with a note to me : Please find enclosed your parcel. Do you have mine I assume you do”. Really?! If you collect another tenant’s property on MONDAY in innocent error because the PO has handed you their parcel instead of one belonging to you that you havent received, you just hold onto neighbour’s clearly labelled parcel for 5 days, make no effort to contact them to return it, and no effort to ask your neighbour if they have your parcel ?! I am furious. I find other human beings incomprehensible at times. I don’t know this woman to talk to but she is loud and inconsiderate (slamming doors etc which annoys other tenants). That she had my property for days and saw me enter the building on wed and said nothing makes me so angry. I’m going to speak to the landlord and ask the PO to be very careful not to hand this woman other tenants mail she is untrustworthy. Gah!! Thank you wonderful LF life coaches. x
Lou, will be back soon, take it nice and easy today you must be worn out PROTECT your recovery, you are number one x
Tea Light:
UGGHH. I kind of thought it was a mistake, BUT…for her to keep it ALL week was NOT a mistake!! So rude and no respect for you whatsoever! I would never keep something like that all week that I knew someone was waiting for. I would return it immediately! I know what you mean…some human beings ARE incomprehensible. Let us know what happens next…
Yes, I am still worn out. I am up and it’s another day. My mom called already this morning. I do have to consider myself more. Talk to you later. x
TeaLight, easy, EASY!!!! Slow down, take a breath, and let it go. You got your parcel back, and the other tenant may (or, may NOT) have her own missing parcel. A simple, “Thank you for leaving my parcel, and I wasn’t given yours. I hope you’re able to track it down.” End of story.
What happens to ME, personally, when people just behave stupidly (irresponsibly, unpleasant, rude, etc.) is that I used to take their stupidity personally. Then, I would cogitate on why they would choose ME to be cruel, ignorant, rude, or unpleasant to and begin rumination – was it something that I did to “deserve” it? Are they just unaware that their actions caused me concern? Blah, blah, blah…..on, it would go for me.
Remove the emotion from the equation – give notice TO the emotion, absolutely, because those feelings are REAL. Then, take a deep breath and let go of the emotion, and it won’t be that big of a deal after a while.
Brightest blessings!
Tealight,
that is a ridiculous way for her to act. KEEP THAT NOTE SHE WROTE. Make copies of it.
Take one copy to the post office and tell them (without showing the note unless you have to) that she is accusing you of taking HER package on that same day. Have them check if she received a package on that day at all and have them check the signature.
If you can get a copy of that signature, get it and keep it. It sounds to me like you have a spath in the building and you want to start building up evidence. But I would warn against showing your hand. Be nice. Be gray rock.
Tea Light I agree with Truthy, ACKNOWLEDGE your emotion and then let it go.
Sky might have a point as well. Check with the postal people.
Oxy:
Oh, I know she doesn’t remember. I have been dealing with this for quite awhile now and I think that is WHY I am getting weary. It takes a toll on the caregiver as we all know. I talked to her today already and she doesn’t even remember that I was there all week. Pretty sad. Very sad actually, but there is nothing to be done. She won’t take medication; she refuses. Even if she didn’t refuse, what is on the market now really doesn’t help much. I can see her getting worse and worse. It doesn’t ever get better unfortunately…only goes in the other direction.
Good advice about the visiting and just putting her off. What I am doing now with trying to treat her like a “normal” person is not working so I have to try different tactics.
Thanks for your advice and support!
Louise,
If she wants to come, just talk to her about that and what fun you will have when she gets there, and just let her go on with that fantasy trip to visit you. Or ask her if she remembers a trip you took together years ago or get her to talk about her childhood.
I used to manage an inpatient dementia unit where the patients were all mobile, and most paced a lot as well. One lady had a Cabbage Patch doll that she carried around all the time, thinking it was her infant. Another patient came to the nurse’s station in her wheel chair every day…thinking it was a bus station and she was waiting for her husband to come. We just kept telling her the bus was late…so let’s go eat lunch now, and we’ll call you if he gets here while you are at lunch..etc and just went along with the fantasy and she was happy as a clam. One young nurse tried to “reorient” her and told her she was in a nursing home and she began to cry…and I quickly informed that young nurse that with demented patients you do NOT try to “reorient” them.
Let them live their fantasy or past life if that’s what makes them happy…especially when their reality isn’t all that great.
EB:
Thanks so much for that long post! Bless you for taking the time to write that about your client. I enjoyed reading how you keep him occupied and what his dear wife is also doing for him. You are so right about the embarrassment part and how she doesn’t have to be embarrassed…other people “get it”…they know what’s going on and yes, the patient doesn’t know or realize that what they are doing isn’t “right.”
My mom is doing the hiding things full tilt. She takes EVERYTHING from in her living room AND kitchen (including the microwave!) and takes it ALL into her bedroom at night with her! So all of her trinkets and anything and everything that is not nailed down or built in, goes into the bedroom! Then in the morning, she gets up and brings it all back out and puts everything back in its place. She also puts sheets up over all her windows at night despite that fact that there are window blinds on the windows. She thinks people can still see in the sides of them…UGGHH. It’s the paranoia. I wish she didn’t have that part of the disease, but she does. Not all of them get it. It seems they all have different ways they are affected by it.
I asked (or told her) just today that she should go to a daycare where they would pick her up and she could go spend time with other people and then they would bring her home…nope, she refuses…”I don’t need that.” Yet, she is extremely bored…nothing for her to do except pace around the house all day and call me and everybody else 15 times a day and move things around everywhere and then of course some things she doesn’t remember where she puts them. SIGH. I wish she were more compliant. It would make this a bit easier. I know other dementia/Alzheimer’s patients who are not as defiant as she is.
Yes, I still am concentrating on my healing from Scousepath…still not there 100%…we all know it’s a lifelong thing I think. 🙁
Thanks a ton for your support!