If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Oxy:
Yes, great advice. I am a Hospice volunteer now and had to go through training to become one and in a video we watched about Alzheimer’s, the lady in the video taught just that…how to go along with what they are doing or saying instead of trying to “reorient” them as you say. As far as talking about childhood, my mom does that constantly. All the time. She has the long term memory of that, but of course the short term memory is destroyed. I will remember as she gets worse to talk about her childhood to keep her engaged.
I will do that as far as her visiting me…talk to her about how much fun it will be and the things we will do. Thanks, Oxy!
Louise,
My guy takes the eshelon (sp) patch and an antidepressent.
Quite frankly, I don’t think either helps, although it’s hard to tell, because he IS taking them so I don’t know what he’d ‘look like’ if he wasn’t.
It’s been a year on both drugs…….and that patch is DAMN expensive.
If anything, the anti D may be helping with his low seratonin levels.
he’s also low in Vit. D and I sneak that into his daily green smoothie.
His wife won’t drink my green drinks. He’s got a cold and she’s desperatly afraid of catching it too……so I force fed her one yesterday!
She actually said it tasted pretty good!
She’s very old fashioned. And doesn’t try new things often.
My guy won’t do things (like he used to) if you ask him to do something……so I now just TELL him and he goes along with whatever.
Like I say, XX get your coat and hat on, we are going out.
I turn around and he’s ready and waiting for me. He doesn’t ask where to or why.
I have a personal trainer come to the house twice a week and call it physical therapy. He’s always dressed and waiting for her.
(ofcourse she’s a beautiful/darling 50 something woman).
I bought 2 small dry erase boards and keep one in his bathroom and one in the kitchen. We write the date/day and what’s going on for the day on them. (any apt.s or visitors etc).
He seems to really feel secure with knowing his schedule day by day…….even though there is not much ON his scehedule. LOL!
They do get adverse to being asked anything……try just TELLING her, but not with so much advance notice.
Like, Oh mom, you need to be dressed and ready in an hour. You’ve got a great day planned, You are going to lunch and games with friends. (don’t tell her it’s a daycare).
She might respond differently.
I don’t worry about anything that can’t hurt him. I try to avert him from the things that can/may. Last summer he started messing with the fireplace gas starters. HOY! One had a remote control. I just took out the batteries, and the others with the gas starters, I hid the gas keys. We didn’t order wood this year, so he’s not fixated with it at all.
I wouldn’t worry about your mothers fixations with clearing the living room and kitchen. Bless her heart. At least it keeps her busy for the time it takes nightly and in the am. If there is nothing that can hurt her……let her roll with it. No biggie. 🙂
Its so hard to tell…..and every day is different.
There is definately not alot of support for dementia patients OR their caregivers.
Bless you darlin……
ErinB, the RESEARCH on the drugs show that they have a VERY LITTLE (if any) SLOWING down of the decline. I think the meds are more a placebo for the family so the family can feel liike they are “doing everything they can”
DRUGS DO HELP though to calm them down. In the Geri-psych unit when we had severely demented patients and ones who were combative at first I didn’t see the value in keeping that sort of patient in a HOSPITAL for 6-8 weeks, but then I DID see thee value in finding medications that CALMED these patients so that at the very least they would COOPERATE with their caregivers and not fight them.
Nursing homes will not take combative patients any more because they are not allowed to physically restrain them so geri psych wards now are used to find a combination of drugs that will leave them ALERT but not combative and it isn’t an easy job. I remember one patient it took 6 people to hold her to change a diaper, but after a while there she was totally in the reality of 30 years ago but she was cooperative and happy.
You might suggest to your wife/client that maybe with him peeing under the couch cushions that a complete mental health evaluation by a Geriatric psych specialist (maybe inpatient) might find a medication to make him less “confused.”
If he gets bad enough your client may want to find a “physical therapist”/cum certified nurse’s aid to be there much more to help watch him and redirect him when he is peeing under the couch cushions.
Erin b your relationship with the gentleman you care for is profoundly touching. God willing we’ll all have an erin b to look out for us when we are elderly and vulnerable. Kudos for your great work erin and your hospice volunteering Lou! VERY inspiring to remember what kindness and compassion exists in this world x
Lou, I am totes embarassed by my parcel meltdown when I see the challenges you are facing. ((Big hug for the lovely Louise)). I think my mini rage-out was due to me feeling like “help! I’m at the mercy of a disordered person whose actions I can’t fathom”. Plus they live upstairs and I felt violated that she kept my property for 5 days . I wasted about 3 hours trying to trace it this week, travelling to the depot, making calls to the PO. They advised me to report her to the police for attempted theft!
I have her note safe sky, thanks that’s good advice.
Oxy , truthy, I start my meditation class next Thur and I’m going to start at home today. Oxy do you have Kabut-Zinn’s..something like Living with Catastrophe? I was thinking of ordering it ? x
Lou, I was thinking about what you are experiencing with your mom’s illness. I had a friend called Susan, a beautiful person. She endured a long fight with firstly alcoholism (she was broken hearted that she could not conceive and she and her husband adopted a very damaged girl who brought total chaos into their lives, teen pregnancies by different men, law breaking, truancy on and on)and then a brain tumour. At the funeral reception her husband who adored her was calm and pragmatic whilst many were weeping and distraught (not the adopted daughter who was laughing and joking whenever I saw her). He and I spoke and he said he had begun greiving when they got the diagnosis. He never said that to his wife but he knew their life together as it had been was over and by the time of her actual death he felt exhausted and releived she was at rest and the misery of her pain was over. Lou, perhaps you are already grieving the loss of your mom? Please protect your recovery and do not take on the immense emotional labour of being a full time carer, come to an alternative solution and insist your brothers assume their rightful share of responsibility. Like erin b says, your plate is full dear! x
EB:
Yeah, it’s hard to tell really if the drugs really help. I have heard they do not. I know my mom needs an antidepressant, but she won’t take anything and to be honest, I am against big pharma. I think they are evil. Just my opinion.
My mom never did do anything so trying to make a 78 year old woman to now adopt hobbies is impossible. She took care of us kids and worked on the farm with my dad her entire life so she never had any life outside of that so now that my dad is gone, she has nothing. It’s really sad and she refuses any type of help so what do you do? She is a bit compliant when I do as you mentioned above…TELL her we are going to do this or that instead of ASKING. If you ask, you are always going to get a “No.”
Yes, exactly…the clearing of the living room and kitchen isn’t hurting anyone and it does keep her busy! Exactly! At first it was disturbing as it is very abnormal behavior, but I already saw it the way you described…let her do it…it gives her something to do since she has nothing else to do. If it’s going to make her feel more secure, so be it. I am sure the day is going to come when she starts smearing feces everywhere as you said your guy has done. She is already doing something odd with her bowel habits that I have noticed. I didn’t say anything to her because WHY?? Nothing I say gets into her brain anyway and nothing changes soooo…
Thanks for your support. Thank you for realizing how hard this is. Not everyone does. Especially if they have not experienced it…they don’t have a CLUE.
Tea Light:
Thanks for the recognition on Hospice volunteering. I saw my first patient a couple weeks ago and it was kind of hard. I didn’t really know what to do with her to be honest. She was contained in a Boda? chair and she wanted OUT.
Oh, don’t worry about your upset with the parcel. I would also be upset if someone kept my mail for five days when they knew it wasn’t for them! Like I said, if it were me, I would have given it immediately to the person. She is just not very considerate. She plainly just didn’t care. It is frustrating so don’t feel bad about getting upset about it.
What a sad story about your friend Susan!! Heartbreaking. What you described with her husband and his grieving experience is exactly what happened with me and my dad. He died of cancer (it will be five years this July) and I did the same…I had already grieved him while he was still here. I knew it was terminal and I started the process long before he was gone. Not so with other members of my family. Some were in total denial and I think didn’t understand the way cancer works and thought he was going to make it. I know more about these things and knew we were going to lose him. So even though I was sad, I think it was also the relief that he was no longer in pain. Plus, I was in a fog. I only went through the motions.
So yes, I hadn’t thought if I am doing the same thing with my mom (grieving her loss now), but you are right! I think I am! Thank you so much for pointing that out as I didn’t think of it that way since she does not have a “physical” illness, but a “mental” illness. Both deaths for sure.
My plate is full. No wonder I feel the way I do. Trying to put that one foot in front of the other though. 🙁 x
All this talk of drugs made me think that I want to go see “Side Effects.” It’s getting great reviews. It has Jude Law in it, too. Yummy. Can’t wait to see it.
TeaLight,
I am the lucky one to get the joy from this experience.
I’ve never had an intimate experience like this before.
I look at the timing of it, the circumstances surrounding it all and It is another confirmation to me that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!!!
You see……As I said before, I’ve known this couple for years. Spath and I worked for them when they moved into town. Spath did some weird stuff I was unaware of…….and they quit calling us to work for them.
During the ending of spath divorce, I was needing work badly….and reaching out to everyone I had ever worked for.
She never returned my calls.
I’d see them at charity events and they were always cordial to me, but never returned calls afterwards.
I found out that she ended up getting a RO against the spath after we separated.
Spath stalked the landscaper who she used, and was also a friend of ‘ours’. The landscaper was a fantastic friend to me during my cancer, stroke deal and continues to look out for me and the kids…..and spath hated that. He wanted me alienated and my friend refused to go there. He then spread rumors that I was sleeping with him. UGH! (He is married with children and that was NEVER the case!!!)
Anyways, spath scared the hell out of my client one day by invading her property during a meeting with 2 professionals and the landscaper. He went balistic, She called police etc….he bolted.
She knows the jduge here personally, so she called him at home and (judge knowing the background history on spath) he advised her to get an order.
Landscaper also got one at a later date.
SO…..I could understand how she avoided me too. She didn’t know ‘what’ to believe, but he scared them, and they had their own issues to deal with at home. (her son also committed suicide during that time).
So I gave up calling those who I felt alienated me……
THEN, Sept of 2011 she started calling me. (a month after I lost my home) I was flabbergasted when I saw the caller ID. I figured that she was calling to tell me something about spath.
I didn’t answer the phone for a week. She kept calling.
Finally, I got up the nerve to call her back…….and long story short, we talked about everything….her husband, son, spath……and she told me how much she respected me and was looking for help and trusted me and it didn’t matter what I charged they wanted ME in their home.
At first I was shocked, then I went into lack of trust mode….this had to be a set up……then flattered because she was so talented she always intimidated me with her abilities and talents and energy.
I questioned myself and my own abilities to hold up to any expectation she had of me.
I figured I had nothing to lose, and If It didn’t work out…..well…..nothing ventured nothing gained.
PLUS…..I needed the income.
(I also wondered about the timing having just lost my home, why didn’t she call sooner…..that answer came later!)
They are also VERY well connected and I knew it could offer a buffer around us from the spath. And that it has!
Me working in their home has also validated me in my community to those who may have questioned my ‘involvement’ in the spaths drug/sex and illegal activities. We all know how people look at us sideways……
She hasn’t been silent about advocating for me…..she’s my biggest ‘fan’.
It has turned into so much more for me! It’s no longer about the income, it’s about the experience and lessons I have learned and continue to learn. The humanity, the compassion and the new road i’m walking in these unfamiliar shoes.
I also lost my parents to the spath. I have NO contact or relationship whatsoever with them. They are still in contact with spath. That has been a hard pill to swallow, it came as a complete shock to me.
This couple could be my ‘parents’ (by age). It suffices my parental needs to some extent. It also suffices the need I have for family, in a weird sorta way. Although I can keep a safe distance from their family dramas…….I am a fly on the wall for them. I know what’s going on, but from a distance.
I can be her sounding board, but I don’t have to experience the pain of being personally involved or attacked.
And the best bonus of this ‘family’ type relationship is…….they all have the utmost respect for me and appreciation……so they have NEVER treated me poorly. (like my own family has).
I plan for family holidays, cook for them, shop for them and then disappear for the ‘drama’ part.
I get to enjoy the best part of ‘family’.
My kids are their grandchildrens ages and their gkids have mostly disappeared since the dementia. My kids stop over and help out with things here and there. They also take the time to engage him.
My eldest would stop over this summer and take him boating. He LOVES his boat and obciously can’t drive it. He would spend hours on the pier with the boat hoisting it up and down into and outa the water. My Jr knew not to let him drive it under any circumstance, and worked it out with the MR nicely, Jr just took control. Often, we would go out to lunch on the boat and he was just thrilled to be on his boat.
It’s been a godsend to my kids and I really….timing and all. Rehabing my reputation from spath and those who may have questioned me, the financial security, the familial feeling and the honor of working with a great couple along with learning that not everyone alienated me due to spath learning that people had their own issues going on also…., learning that I AM capable on my own, learning that as much as she intimidated me with her talents- she’s human too, plates are full, Learning that others saw spath as scary when I thought I was alone, learning about dementia, learning to care for elderly and learning to manage the emotions while watching the decline, learning to slooow it down at work, and learning that I really am not alone in this world.
Just in so many ways.
WE are the lucky ones.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON…….