If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
Oxy,
I have always loved your quote the “Nirvana of Indifference”. I strive for that every single day.
I think the word “forgiveness” is such a loaded idea because it means so many things to so many people. I personally cringe when I hear it because, as some of you have stated, it implies that you are alright with what has happened.
I have to say that you don’t have to forgive a person that has been violent to you, emotionally, sexually or physically. I do believe the key, as I think Truthspeak said, is forgiving yourself for all of the shame you carry and all of the pain you feel.
I had a woman whom I respect who knows about my situation say to me, “You know, you really need to forgive him.” That made me so sick to my stomach because I think people who say those statements have this idea of “Just let it go” in a way that is excusatory of the bad behavior.
I don’t think most people understand what true forgiveness is. Again, as some of you have stated, it is about the acceptance that the past cannot be changed and we must, therefore, move on with our lives.
Now, with saying all of this, maybe I’m just not there yet, 17 years after the fact. There is a deep rooted part of me that wants justice for the ills that were done to me and redemption for my reputation that was destroyed so maliciously. And I know these feelings stem from primal wounds from childhood, but I just can’t shake the idea that this POS will get my forgiveness. If I’m really honest, NO HE WON’T… EVER!! If that makes me a horrible Christian than I guess that’s something I need to work on, but it just doesn’t feel right, yet.
I can, however, move on and as Oxy says, “Get the bitterness out of my heart.” I think this is where my journey is at the moment. And I’m O.K. with it.
NeveragainIhope,
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling rather tortured by your ex-spath’s new relationship. I am experiencing the same thing. My ex did not reveal that he had lied to me, though. I found that out accidentally. Still, this new girl is staying with him because, even though she knows he lied to her about cheating on her with me (and me with her), and he lied to her about his first wife, it doesn’t really matter to her because she’s staying with him. She’s convinced that she’s different and that she knows the “real” him and that he’s completely in love with her. I’ve had the same feelings as you…that he lied to me so much more (which he did, he made up so much about his background in order to mirror me), that he only treated ME so terribly by cheating on me with so many women, that he has been so much better to every other woman in his life…
HOWEVER, I have enough evidence from my own experience of him and information from the new woman to know that he IS a sociopath. And because I know that this is true–I really believe it in my soul–then that means that he WILL hurt the new woman, that he does NOT love her, because he cannot love ANYONE. So, if you know that your ex is a spath, then take solace in the fact that he will NEVER be good to anyone. They are empty, soulless, disgusting people who don’t know how–and don’t want–to truly connect with any other person. What a sad, pathetic way to live.
Best wishes in your current relationship. It’s only been about two months for me since the spath cut me off, so I will not be dating again for quite a while. But I am not one to judge when someone else is ready to do that, so I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
NevergainIhope,
You sound so much like me. I was really stuck with the pain of feeling like my ex-spath really does love his wife and that I was the only one he treated so horribly. I even posted about those feelings a few weeks ago.
What I realized since then, is that I can’ t focus on the relationship my ex-spath has with his wife. It leads me down a vicious spiral. I have no idea what the truth is about their marriage.
I only have my experience with him as a reference. For me, he was a sociopath. He was extremely cunning and covert in his emotional abuse. And the slander of me that he engaged in all the while professing to love me is what sticks with me the most. I am healing from the pain I endured with him and I cannot get involved with how he is is with others. He is most likely charming and wonderful to most outsiders. I never would have pegged him for the monster he was to me. I say, “God bless his wife.” She will be dealing with him, even if she’s in denial or not aware of the truth of how he treated me.
I can look back now and be very grateful I didn’t marry him. I know what he is and that’s all that matters.
Your wounds are real. The abuse you endured is real. Know this and it will lead to your healing. All other relationships your ex-spath has are irrelevant. I know it’s hard to see that now. It takes time.
Blessings and healing to you.
NeveragainIhope
I was a discarded one but, during the relationship it was stressful all the time. No matter how much I miss him I have to ask myself, “Did I really want to live like that? The lies, the suspicion.” He had 2 other relationships during the time I was with him. Before I met him he had been engaged to a woman for 5 years. She was exactly what he wanted. Made him look good. I finally talked to her and she said he had tried for the first 2 years. She had no idea what he was. Then the lies started and things started falling apart. She was a real keeper but, he still couldn’t keep it together. She left and he stalked her for a year. She now knows he’s a spath. I asked her how long it took her to realize it. She said, “5 years”. The mask always slips at some point.
Sister, that quote about the “nirvana of indifference” was not original I don’t think, I think I read it somewhere, but yea, it is a great one.
Getting the bitterness out of our hearts is about HEALING US. I think it was Desmond TuTu who said something along the line of “Hate (or bitterness) is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die” or something along that line and it is so true.
I have no doubt that forgiving (getting the bitterness out of our hearts) our enemies, and even the command in the Bible to pray for those who persecute you are NOT about what is good for the other person, the abuser, but is about what is good for US.
I don’t find a single command in the New Testament that is not beneficial to the person who follows it. Thou shalt not kill. Thous shalt not commit adultery, don’t be a glutton, don’t be a drunk, give to the poor, don’t steal, as much as it depends on you, get along with your neighbor and on and on. Not one command that is not a guide to a good way to live…and then I must assume that the command to forgive others must be for my good as well. But what does “forgive” mean? For that I have to go to examples and St. Paul says how to try to talk to the person who as abused you (a brother, in essence someone close to you) if that doesn’t work, try witnesses, and then if that doesn’t work, take it to the church (the community) and if that didn’t work, don’t even eat with the person, I think that means NC, and also the example of Joseph and how he tested his brothers before restoring a RELATIONSHIP with them.
Now, these are only MY interpretations of what I think the Bible teaches, but my egg donor crammed down my throat that “forgiveness” meant that you RESTORED RELATIONSHIP with these people no matter if they had repented or not. Funny thing though that she foisted this belief of “forgiveness” on to me, but she would hold a grudge for decades, and she never got the bitterness against my sperm donor for cheating on her.
I think each of us must search our own souls and hearts and come to our own conclusions about what we need to do to HEAL OURSELVES, own own hearts and spirits from the damages done by those who hurt us. I just do not want to spend my days as a bitter old woman.
Such wise words from everyone….Oxy…you used a word in your reply to me….shunning…..it really struck me because that is the very word my step spath daughter ALWAYS uses when referring to me….she LOVES to throw that word around….I guess that’s their translation for NC. When I hear people say things like “we should forgive them” when referring to mass shooters, serial killers, child molesters, etc. it makes me sick to my stomach as well. I always viewed forgiveness as something you ASK for. Sociopaths will never ask for forgiveness (unless it serves a purpose for THEM) because they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. Right now my Spath step daughter is trying to get her father to do her dirty work against me by using scripture and throwing around the forgiveness word…it’s so funny because she wants to use scripture against me when she continues to break commandments every day…it always reminds me of the Devil tempting Jesus….trying to take truth and turn it into something dark and ugly…I am about to print out the “Nirvana of Indifference” and hang it on my fridge! Keep those nuggets of gold coming Oxy !!
Dear Creampuff,
Read that story about Joseph and his brothers….you will see a perfect example of “forgiveness” (getting the bitterness out of his heart against his brothers) but he did NOT TRUST THEM until he saw they had changed.
Not allowing yourself to harbor bitterness is good for YOU. It doesn’t effect the evil doer, but it keeps YOU from being bitter and unhappy. I call that forgiveness…but it does NOT mean that you reestablish a relationship with these people. Yea, “shunning” is another word for NC, and in some ways it may have a negative connotation. But don’t let that throw you, and don’t let them twist scripture. My egg donor did the same thing, to try to get me to put up with horrible behavior from her brother Uncle Monster and I refused. But now I see it was her attempt at control.
My “control” is NC, shunning if you will, of a woman who lies, a woman who enables her murdering grandson.
Forgiveness is elusive. With me…it comes and goes. Yes, I feel sorry for this girl who was so hateful…and yes, her upbringing was no joke. But total forgiveness may never come, at least in my case. She said too many demeaning things (and words hurt more than physical blows and can last forever). She was devoid of compassion but could “fake it”.
I have since worked with women just like her…and on a job, where you can’t get away from it, it is truly horrendous.
Women have an intolerance for any woman much better looking than they are. Is is innate? Apparently. Can jealousy be controlled? I believe it can…and she made a choice to be jealous and hateful.
The word forgive is so ridiculous that I do not even use it anymore.
Firstly, to forgive an ongoing evil is to condone it. A psychopath is an ongoing evil so it cannot be forgiven without condoning it. It can be released from my attention when it is not active in my life and I can even feel sorry for it. But I will never condone it so I can never forgive it. When it is active in my life I must act to remove it in any way that is necessary.
Secondly, who do we think we are anyway to give or deny forgiveness to anyone. Does forgiving mean to stop judging? It is not our right to judge in the first place. Forgiveness of others is not our responsibility nor is judging. We can learn the facts, come to conclusions, protect ourselves and others, then we can let go of the damaging emotions but that is not forgiving. We can each only forgive ourselves. The rest is up to a higher power.
And finally, “Forgive the sinner but not the sin.” How silly is that? They are inseparable until the sin has stopped and the lesson learned. Only the sinner himself knows that and it may not be until he dies.
So let us just say, let go of our resentment, go on with our lives in peace and joy and leave the psychopath to deal with his own forgiveness.
Betsy, you saiid
So let us just say, let go of our resentment, go on with our lives in peace and joy
To me, “forgiveness” IS as you said getting that resentment (bitterness) out of my heart…it is not to condone anything that was done, or to forget it, or to pretend it didn’t happen, or to restore a relationship or any trust of any kind. My egg donor tried to get me to believe if I did not do all of the restoring trust, forgetting and pretending it never happened etc. but I finally realized that I am NOT going to hell because I don’t subscribe to the egg donor’s definition of “forgiveness” but have my own definition now, which is very much like your last sentence of your post.