If the wounds are too fresh and the thought of forgiving the person who abused and upset you hurts too much, honor that. There is no shame in not being ready. It is normal and everyone’s timeline is different. Close the article for the time being or read it for nothing more than future reference, with no pressure or expectations. Allow yourself to feel all that you do, the pain included, with as much passion and purpose as possible. After a while, come back to it. Examine what you have gained, rather than concentrate on what you have lost, even if what you have lost is significant. The hope is that your personal growth is also significant and that the positive things you come to learn about yourself are far greater. Believe it or not, the day may come when you are not only able to forgive, but thank the person who brought you here, but that is all in time…
Forgiveness can be a tough subject to broach when the ones we are considering forgiving are the psychopaths who harmed us. Eventually, however, we should try to find a way to do it.
Why we should forgive
Resentment and anger eat away at us. Even though we may have been seriously wronged by the psychopaths who crossed our paths, holding on to those feelings hurts us, not them. Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” While it seems like an easy enough concept to grasp, putting it into practice may prove more challenging. While in the midst of the anger, confusion, and disbelief that almost always accompanies our brushes with psychopathy, it’s tough to imagine forgiving the person who tried to hurt us. But forgiveness is a funny thing. The reason it must occur has less to do with our wrong-doers, and more to do with us. Forgiving helps us heal.
What does the process look like?
This will not come easy or fast. In fact, it would be wrong to rush it. We must honor each of the stages of the grief process in order to fully heal. But eventually, we have to let go of any remaining ill feelings so that we can grow and move forward. The psychopaths’ acts may have been truly horrible, so we need not excuse them, but we can learn not to allow them to damage us further. As long as we are caught in negative feelings, our offenders are still winning. Hopefully, we can come to the place where we re-empower ourselves and re-gain control of our lives.
Forgiveness does not need to mean forgetting. We should not forget what happened to us or behave as if it never occurred. Rather, we should remember what we went through so that we don’t allow the evil back in or repeat our pasts with others in the future. Further, we need not expect anything from those who did us harm. In cases such as ours, they either enjoyed what they did or to us or were merely using us for their own “advancement.” There are no sincere apologies coming from them….ever, so do not look for one. This is about us and our peace and we can do this without seeing them or exchanging any words. For once, it is actually all about us.
What we come to feel
Recently, someone new to the struggle asked me how I feel about what happened to me and how I feel about the person in my situation. I had to think for a moment, but finally decided that I feel “nothingness.” Where I was once consumed with emotion, I now see this person as a void. It is almost like a chapter of my life that did not exist, in spite of the fact that it was extremely significant.
I know that the situation was real and awful. I care about and acknowledge what occurred, as the storm I weathered hit with a tsunami-like force. However, I lived, learned, and somehow, grew. I think I became a better person along the way, as a result. Without the experience, I don’t think I would have realized that I was only living half alive, realizing only a portion of my potential. I would not have known the strength I was capable of, without this test.
I believe that when we no longer allow them control over us, we come to feel “even” again. At that point, what once existed as love, hate, anger, and sadness disappears, becoming “nothingness.” We come to see our perpetrators as insignificant, even if their acts were not. It is then that we can forgive because what was, no longer matters.
We can move toward the future for ourselves and those we care about. For the first time, probably in a long time, the psychopath takes a permanent back seat, regardless of any residual antics. It takes time and the road is long, but eventually, we can release the demons and thrive. The rewards will come. They may not be concrete or quantifiable, but we will begin to recognize them when we feel them.
I guess this really depends on how one defines “forgiveness”.
Me personally, the more “Old Testament” version of forgiveness resonates more fully with me.
That definition of “forgiveness” is more like a transaction and requires the two parties involved to make a conscious agreement with each other. The perpetrator must actually *ask you* to forgive him or her, express true remorse, promise to not do the offensive thing again, and offer you some kind of atonement. Then, its up to you to grant your forgiveness, or not.
If you do grant forgiveness, then you are agreeing to put the incident or the issue behind you, which means agreeing to not keep bringing it up all the time. Thus, my definition of a forgiveness “transaction” implies a certain willingness to trust the individual again.
So, that’s a pretty specific definition. It works for me.
Outside of that definition, I agree that its healthier to simply “let go” or “detach” from someone who has harmed you but is unrepentant, and walk away, without hanging onto feeling a need for revenge. “Detachment” is just becoming indifferent to the perp. I have felt a sense of peace and healing, just from detaching.
My perp never asked me for my forgiveness, so, per my definition of /conception of forgiveness, granting it to her wasn’t an option for me. Had she asked, I might have granted my forgiveness. Probably, I would have.
But, she died without asking, so, I am making do with “detaching.”
Its working for me.
Forgiveness can be a really touchy subject when you’ve been hurt deeply;nobody but you can understand the pain….nobody but you and God.
But if you want to feel joy and all those other positive feelings again,you need to forgive; “let go of that heavy burden you’ve been carrying”-whether or not the spath asks for forgiveness.
Oxy,that was EXCELLENT that you brought up the examples of David and Saul!Although David committed serious sins,he SHOWED HEART-FELT REPENTANCE,whereas Saul showed murderous jealousy in the way tried to kill David,even forcing him to become a fugitive.
Forgiving a person does not mean you condone what they’ve done,or that you will start trusting them again or even enter into a relationship with them again.But for your your own health and happiness,(and for those who believe in God) your relationship with God, you “let go and move on with life”
Forgiveness. How many times have I tossed this word around in my head? Thousands of times.
The Bible teaches us to forgive our brother, “seven times seven”….I dont know. I have been away from my spath for two years and divorced five months. I have another 7 months to go to a full year of NO CONTACT.
I did write him a letter. I told him what he was and the harm he had done to me and my children. I also told him that apparently he had committed a lifetime of harm to other women and his last wife and child. I told him that someday he would be “judged” for those deeds.
Although many told me not to send the three page letter, I did anyway. It lifted a huge amount of sorrow off my shoulders and slowly I am forgiving MYSELF.
You see, I think we must forgive ourselves and then perhaps the psychopath.
I look forward to the day of my “nirvana of indifference.”
yeah, nirvana…cant wait!
Oxy and anyone else who has family issues,
I cringe everytime you say egg donor because I feel like my daughter feels that way about me. I do call her father the sperm donor but I was a good mother. I know I was the best mother I could be because I was determined not to pass on the abuse I was raised with. And I did not. I am sure I made mistakes and divorce was hard on the children but I decided it was in their best interest after agonizing over it for years. And then I put up with him for 35 more years for my children.
She always said we never got along but I never saw it. I thought it was just teenage banter that she held onto or normal mother daughter issues. How was I to know, my mother got cancer when I was 14 and died when I was 18. But I guess she was right. We are like oil and water now and we do not mix or understand each other at all. Maybe it is because I was abused and needy and she was not abused and is selfish or spoiled. Maybe I needed my children too much even though I did not play the martyr that my mother did. I worked hard to have a life of my own and not complain and do what was right.
All I ever wanted was family, a loving family like I had for a few years in spite of abuse, sickness and losing my mother to soon. That is why I married the sperm donor. I thought we would have that…he knew how to suck me in and then raped and humiliated me on our wedddin night. I was instantly a nonperson and his possession.
Can you explain how your mother and my daughter can do this? If they are not psychopaths, what is wrong with them that they are so closed, unaproachable and can cut us off like we are psychopaths in defense of the real psychopath? I am hoping you can explain some more to me.
I do not understand minions even though I have read about them. I see the logic of being the one who he does not hurt and threfore bing special. I know they can be brainwashed by the psychopath too because I have been there. You have helped me so much with your wisdom and practicallity and yet I am still confused.
How did my lovely happy daughter turn into this shrew at age 40 who suddenly despises me and will not talk to me? Is it because I told her the truth about her father and extracated him from my life? I had to for my own sanity. How can they act just like a psychopath and not be one because I know she is not. Talk about unforgiving, she is so closed she is like a zombie to me but she seems the perfect angel to everyone on the outside.
I’ll still talk about that asshole Jim, even though I have less and less to say. The only anger I feel is his day in court. I just won’t hire contractors, just let my house rot away, cause if I need to take a contractor to court… the judge might remember me.
My last name is the same name as the District Attorney of this small county. Even though we are not related.
To BetsyBugs,
My kids from my husband have a problem with me. My husband disrespected me all through the marriage. He dumped on me and cheated on me, and refused to help out with the kids while he laid on couch bitching at me to become a better mother. My kids believed him. They believed his lies. He got the kids affection with his false promises. He broke these promises (as quickly as he made them) by blaming it on me. The kids believed him.
They still believe him.
There is nothing I can do about it. I can only give my love and hope that it’s enough.
Betsy, my Maternal DNA donor did not EARN the title “mother” by nurturing me unless “control” could be called nurturing. I didn’t realize just how controlled I was because I thought that’s the way it is supposed to be. I would from time to time rebel and stand up to her but i t never lasted….not until this time, not until the ULTIMATE betrayal. The sneer iin her voice, the telling me afterward “let’s just pretend it never happened”
That’s kind of like If I burned down your house because I was angry at you and you came to me and wanted to “discuss” this so maybe we could reconcile and I said to you “let’s just pretend none of this happened and start over.” OMG can you SEE why Ii call her the egg donor?
I’m sorry your daughter disrespects you, it sounds to me like she is an apple that didn’t fall far from the paternal tree. She seems to enjoy hurting you buy hurting her children as well. That’s a shame but it is a fact you have to accept. That is HOW SHE IS, SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. She has total control over the kids and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, there are lots of folks here on LF who have children who are psychopaths, or are married to psychopaths that cause them to not be able to enjoy their grandkids and are powerless to do a darned thing about it.
When I first came to LF in 2007 it was mainly about romantic relationships, but now there are people with ALL KINDS of relationshits—kids, parents, siblings, neighbors, x friends, x lovers, x spouses, you name it. All across the entire relation-shit spectrum.
We hurt because we love them, but you know, even that is diminishing with my son Patrick and as far as the egg donor goes, I no longer feel a pressing need for her company any more. I no longer miss her. I don’t hate her though she frustrates me.
I hope that makes some sense, Betsy. It just takes time and effort to work through the grief and continues to take some effort to maintain it when you do get to acceptance.
Thank you, Oxy, I am trying to work through it but it is devestating, as I am sure you know. I do get the sneer in her voice and the concept of the final betrayal (taking away the grandchildren). I just cannot comprehend the degree of hate involved. It is not like the unfeeling psychopath, it feels like pure contempt and hatred of me. Psychopaths do not even hate do they?
I fear she feels that I controlled her and I am to blame but while she may have felt controlled she was allowed to make all of her own decisions whether I agreed with them at first or not. She still is making all of her own decisions the latest simply being that she just does not want me in her life anymore.
I hope I can survive the time and effort involved. I am awaiting the Nirvana of indifference.
Betsybugs,
Of COURSE they HATE, I think it is their favorite emotion. My son Patrick hates me with a white hot hate that would see him kill me, but he would want me to see the bullet coming.
Betsy reaching te Nirvana of indifference is not going to be quick or easy.
First you will have to wrap your INTELLECT AROUND IT, but then your emotions. Not an easy thing to do, to grasp that someone can UNJUSTLY HATE YOU SO MUCH.
First: There is NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO HAVE PREVENTED THIS. Believe that.
Secondly: THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE IT, believe that.
Thirdly; YOU CAN STILL HAVE A GOOD LIFE even though 1 and 2 are true.
Betsy,
Spaths and psychopaths’ only deeply felt emotions are cold hatred and utter contempt. I think that on the one hand they feel contempt for us for not being as cold and hard and calculated as they are. And yet on the other hand they envy us for feeling and experiencing life in a way they know they never can, and they hate us for for it because we remind them everyday that they can’t feel, can’t bond, etc. can’t be deeply happy and marveled. It is why they so love to corrupt us and make us miserable. Because while we hurt and are in mysery, at least we’re not happy. Then they can go on feeling contempt for us, and feeling better and special and a winner: they may not know happiness, but they can’t be miserable either.